MY PARTNERS FAMILY HATES ME WITH A PASSION! HELP!

[candidkate]

My partner and I have been together for five years and its been a very rocky road. His family come from East Africa and culturally (according to them) prefer to marry their own people. Despite my partner being in The UK since he was FOUR YEARS OLD they speak MINIMAL english and the language barrier is unbearable. I've tried to be nice but they seem to avoid me at all costs and when they do speak to me i have to greet them and squeeze awkward responses from them. They refuse to even meet my eyes. My partner was meant to go away with them and decided not to at the last minute because of work commitments - he doesn't want to live at home much longer. They went on a rant calling me evil saying I MADE HIM DO IT.

His sister who is British detests me also because my partner lent me her straighteners and when i first met her said i had the same foundation as her but preferred a different brand (I'M NOT LYING ITS THAT PETTY). I must assure you that when i say hate i mean HATE. They speak about me in their language when i am there, they shout at my partner to get rid of me when I'm over at the house and despite me standing by his side for FIVE YEARS prefer this random girl he went out with for a few months when we were on a break.

This can not be healthy for any children he and i will want to have down the line.....what do i do?
Keep my future kids away from them?
Never return to the house ever again?
Try and speak to them or send ANOTHER message?

I'm so tired and desperate. I just want a normal family life but ive tried everything. I dont see how we can move forward without him disowning them which he has wanted to do before he and i even met. He hates them and i always push for him to make an effort. If anything i hate the fact that they dont get along because it looks like ive put him up to it!
Anyone had this experience? Is it because I am outside of their culture? Can things ever change?

MelonBallersAreStrange - We are both British but our families are from countries which are very very family orientated. Its not like in the west where yes you love your family but everyone has a job and a life to lead. Our families were raised to work, eat sleep and breath together! Not talking to a parent or disowning your family is an extremely big deal and not as simple as him and I walking off into the sunset relieved that we've left these horrible people behind us.

Everyone -

I wish it were that simple! I wish it was. I'm not sulking or being immature because my partners family don't like me. This is a serious life decision for him and because they hate me i feel as though its my responsibility to not be biased and push him to make any rash choices. I do not believe in emotional or verbal abuse and I do not believe in staying where I am not wanted.

It's normal i suppose for people not to like their childs partner sometimes. I do not look like them, speak their language or share their religion. In their country there is literally no immigration and they aren't exposed to mixed marriages. They came to this country and have managed to literally stay secluded in their own mini community - Its madness.

The shop keepers speak their language, the GP gets them a translator, the council sends them letters in their language , they have their own church, their own schools, their own restaurants etc etc. Its like in their head they aren't even living in The UK and to be quite frank they may as well not be.

You don't have to have a relationship with your partner's family. Your husband can have a relationship with them if he wants to. But if you have children, I would refuse to let the children visit them with their father only - I would insist on being present, and would insist on being treated politely. And by then you would have a lever (your children) - either they behave respectfully, or they don't see the children. But that's the (potential) future.

I understand your desire to be part of a happy extended family, but it seems that it's impossible with this family, because they refuse to accept you. Nothing went wrong - they are racist, and have always been racist. So if you stay with this man, you'll have to accept that this is the way things are going to be.

I think you need to ask yourself why you feel that he does not have the right to decide for himself whether he wants them in his life.

Why do you feel that decision is not his to make, but yours to make or control?

He is allowed to decide he does not want people in his life who contribute nothing positive to it.

It is not a reflection on you and who cares what horrible people you will never have to suffer in your life think of you anyway?

This isn't about you. It's about him and his choice to not suffer people in his life who make him unhappy.

He doesn't have to maintain a relationship with them and it's not your place to tell him that he does.

Go to Dubai, live your life, be happy
don't waste your life & energy on trying to change things that cannot be changed,
He knows he is best to walk away, trust his judgement, you are beating yourself up alone here, they don't like you, you are not part of the clan... that you cannot change.

Kate - you have an ideal you are striving for. A fantasy. One which you desire very very strongly. But it is still a fantasy.

Look at the reality you have. It's not what you want, I get that. But it's what you have. You can't change it. You can't make it fit your fantasy through sheer force of will. Reality doesn't work like that.

This family is what it is.

If you stay with your DP, they will continue to be racist insular people who dislike you and who have a rocky relationship with their son. They are not going to turn into the Waltons - ever.

Are you ok with that?

Because if you're not ok with that, but you stay with your DP and stay hooked on the fantasy life you would rather have, then you are going to be one very, very unhappy woman for the foreseeable future.

You are going to have to give up on one of two things: your DP, or your attachment to this dream which is not going to happen.

CogitoErgoSometimes - I KNOW!!! Everyone here is being really understanding but I feel as though everyone thinks it's as easy as just telling them to piss off!!! But my partner is not heartless and we will definitely have to cross paths for whatever reason. Perhaps they will try and get back into contact with him or maybe some (god forbid) dies etc. There will always be a reason for them to be around at least loosely! But even there bloody VIBE IS TOO MUCH TO BEAR!!! I cannot stand it anymore.

Mylifepart2 It's nice to have someone here who has had a similar situation. I don't know if subconsciously I think being a peacemaker will make them like me - but I do know that we are ready to start a family and it will kill me for my kids to not know their grandparents or aunties or uncles or cousins!

I'm not sure how old you both are, but perhaps wait until he moves out of home and see if that improves the dynamic?

I agree with many of the other posters. You talk about having a 'normal' family life but for a lot of people in the world, there is no standard family setup. Thinking about the many many threads on these boards, I think if you manage to get:

A guy you love who loves you
Children
A happy home and work balance

You will be doing REALLY REALLY well for yourself, and that is something to celebrate! The other stuff is all 'nice to have'. It'd be great if everyone had supportive, encouraging parents involved in their lives. But that is often not the case.

You sound like you've got to the end of your tether, but I think now might be the time for a plan:

What can I change about the situation as it is - and set a time frame to see whether that helps it become more manageable.

If not, then you have a hard decision to make.

You said earlier you wouldn't leave him, but at some point your own self-respect/esteem will need to kick in as a protection mechanism so you don't end up being dragged down by it all, and suffering for a very very long time when you don't need to.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway I'm sorry if I've come across like a control freak with absolutely no life who sits around all day and twiddles her thumbs at how her partners family can like her. This is not the case at all! I'm simply saying that him and I are a team and always have been. This is a very big decision for us and the fact that they dislike me so much is what makes me relevant to it. As I've said in other posts I'm also thinking about my future family - and the fact that my partner isn't heartless. Is it seriously realistic to disown them and never ever have contact ever again? Even if I never speak with them ever again - I highly doubt they will ever be a non factor in his life. I want to support him and for the past five years I've felt that reconciliation would be the answer.

no, just that you seem to feel it's up to you to fix it and that he can't do what he wants to do and it's not your responsibility. It really isn't. If he wants to not be in their lives - he has the right to make that choice.

If they don't like you, so what?

If they're horrible people who treat you like shit - why would you EVER even want them near your kids to do it to them?

Why do you want to fight so hard to keep horrible people in your life who treat you like shit?

If they dislike you so much, surely that's a reason to say you know what, life is too short for this shit and build your family out of people who love you.

I removed my father's entire family from my life when I was 16 and I haven't spent a second regretting it. It's not that I don't have any understanding of it. It's just that I know that far too much importance is placed on keeping shits in your life out of some idea of duty, obligation or feeling like an accident of birth means you owe someone a place in your life.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet He's had to go back home after some personal issues. He will be out within the year.

You guys are all right. I do not know why I'm so hung up on things working out. Now the question is do we go to Dubai and start over? I hear its a hell hole for women who actually live there.

You don't need to move to Dubai in order to have a fresh start, if that's your main motivation.

You can fill your life only with the people that you actually want in it, from any location.

disowning your family and living a separate life with your partner is a big deal. I just came here looking for advice. Not sarcastic judgement

Interesting that you should read my question that way because you couldn't be more wrong.

I know how much of a big deal it is, more than most as it goes.

My mum went NC with her mother when she fell pregnant with me as she had an abusive childhood and her mother tried to commit suicide a couple of times and blamed my mum.

Even then, people thought they knew better and tried to persuade her they knew better. She did the right thing but the do gooders did more harm than good.

I'm NC with her father, she never did that. He's a vial nasty toxic man but even so it was a big deal.

So, once again I ask, why do you think you know better than he does?

Could you maybe go 'low contact' to start with, before you go 'no contact'? Kind of try and phase them out? Just thinking it might be easier on all of you. It sounds like a really tough situation and to be honest I think I'd struggle to be in a relationship with any man if his family treated me like that.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway - It is absolutely cultural. I'm not saying that all people of that culture behave like this but i will say that they use their culture as an excuse - if that makes sense? Or that they genuinely believe that it is their culture to be decent enough people (don't steal kill rape etc) - but marry and outsider? Hell no.

In terms of your situation, you are not rubbing any salt on my wounds and i appreciate what you've said. But it is very much a cultural and racial issue.

It is very rare that outsiders (in my partners culture)are accepted wholly and that's just the truth. When I say wholly i mean without any suspicion or ignorant views - no matter how harmless. I'm sure outsiders are tolderated and treated nicely - but i assure you all of them would still say "shes a nice girl but i would have preferred".

In Africa (and my country of origin especially) there is a light skinned complex and sometimes the only reason they do accept an outsider (in this case white) is because of the prospect of having "pretty light skinned" mixed raced grandchildren. Sounds horrid but its a huge issue in the black community.

Anyway I digress....

Its 100% cultural/racial.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway sorry i mean HIS country of origin

Families the whole world over can be dysfunctional; its nothing to do with their culture, race or cultural differences. Its how they are and were made; usually such dysfunction goes down the generations as well. In the case of your man's family his mum and dad's parents were likely emotionally abusive on some level themselves and their own parents were the same.

It is NOT your fault they are like this and you cannot change them to create a family idyll.

My husband is kikuyu. We have been married 17 years next month. He is one of ten children. We have an enourmous family and huge numbers of friends. I have never felt anything other than loved and accepted. If you can say your experience is about culture i can also say with equal certainty that it is 100 % not my experience.

AttilaTheMeerkat i'm not saying that all people are unaccepting of different cultures -what I'm saying is that these people are not accepting of me and they personally use their culture as an excuse.

Everyone -

They don't like the fact that I do not speak their language despite them residing in the UK for over 25 years.

They don't like the fact that they will have to compromise a little bit towards British culture, despite the fact that this country as fed them, housed them and taken care of them for 25 years FOR FREE.

I'm not here to put them down, but I can't get over people coming here and hating everything British. Did they think their son would who has lived here since he was 4 would go back "home" and marry an east african girl? (Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with that but what are the odds?)He's British, barely speaks their language himself (but understands perfectly) and has been back twice in his life, each time in his teens and he stayed indoors reading everyday. Even if he found a British born girl from their country, she would wear western clothes etc.

My parents are not from this country I'm not a bigot I'm sososososo sorry if i sound like one I love how multicultural this country is so why cant they? Why in Gods name did they come?

In any case, we spoke last night and he's moving out next week. We have discussed what he's going to do. He has decided that upon moving out, he will tell them upon leaving that he's focused on leading a positive life and that doesn't include them. Unless there is a state of emergency - they will not hear from him. I think it's for the best. I just hope its bloody practical

Joysmum - I don't see it as wrong/right/knowing better.
I just want to support him in making rational choices.
I know its his problem but when you and someone want to share a life and family together it becomes everyone's problem.
I feel like because there is no sexual / physical abuse involved and they are just assholes, reconciliation is the best option for everyone. But clearly not.

Everyone

He has cousins here who he loves dearly, he will be tied to his family in some way for life. The only argument I present to him is can you really bloody disown your family? really?

When your cousins get married and have kids, am I supposed to sit at home as your wife and watch you get dressed celebrate with them and be some sort of pariah?

Do you ignore your own mother when you go to these functions? (and i assure you there is one literally once a week)

Do you cut off all contact with everyone, as it doesn't make sense to go to a wedding without your wife because the whole family will hate her and ignore your own mother, father and sister?

I'm genuinely at a loss for how this will actually in the literal sense work guys!!

Joysmum - I don't see it as wrong/right/knowing better.
I just want to support him in making rational choices.
I know its his problem but when you and someone want to share a life and family together it becomes everyone's problem.
I feel like because there is no sexual / physical abuse involved and they are just assholes, reconciliation is the best option for everyone. But clearly not.

Everyone

He has cousins here who he loves dearly, he will be tied to his family in some way for life. The only argument I present to him is can you really bloody disown your family? really?

When your cousins get married and have kids, am I supposed to sit at home as your wife and watch you get dressed celebrate with them and be some sort of pariah?

Do you ignore your own mother when you go to these functions? (and i assure you there is one literally once a week)

Do you cut off all contact with everyone, as it doesn't make sense to go to a wedding without your wife because the whole family will hate her and ignore your own mother, father and sister?

I'm genuinely at a loss for how this will actually in the literal sense work guys!!

"I feel like becaus there is no sexual / physical abuse involved and they are just assholes, reconciliation is the best option for everyone. But clearly not".

No it is not the best option; the best option here is for your man and yourself never to have any contact with any of his family members again. They've disowned you quite easily and you cannot continue to try and manage his problematic family for him.

Abuse does not solely have to be physical in nature.

His family have tried to emotionally blackmail him for years; that is emotional abuse towards him on their part. They detest your very being as well and have abused your kindness towards them.

Do you still think that reconciliation is at all possible even now?. Perhaps you think like that because your life and life generally within your own family of origin was not all that good either. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. That is what you have tried to do throughout and unsurprisingly it has not worked.

AttilaTheMeerkat - I understand completely. I just again, do not understand how moving forward we can disassociate ourselves from even the cousins who have nothing to do with this and who have been decent enough to me. My concern is how do you remain in their life and disown the immediate family? Separate weddings? Separate christenings? Separate Christmas?

You can easily make your own family traditions going forward re Christmas.

Surround yourselves instead with people who are kind and loving rather than those who suck the very joy and essence out of life itself. His immediate family of origin are insular and closed minded; who would want to have anything to do with those people anyway?. You may well find that his cousins may close ranks with his family of origin and side with them. If that happens you do not nee them in your lives either.

It may be an idea for you to talk with a counsellor as to precisely why you wanted relations between his family of origin and yourself to work out in the first place when it was clear from their own actions that was never going to happen. Maybe it was because your own life within your family of origin was not all that great either.

Such people like his family of origin do not change, you did not cause that to happen.

What GoatsDoRoam earlier is correct as well:-
"You don't need to move to Dubai in order to have a fresh start, if that's your main motivation.

You can fill your life only with the people that you actually want in it, from any location".