Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBX behaving so vile

33 replies

TinyDancer69 · 15/02/2015 18:56

I posted here in September 2014 because things were awful between me and partner. We have a 2.5 year old DS and an 8 year old DSS 40% of the time, from partner's previous relationship. I almost moved out in October due to real doubts about him being faithful to me and also dreadful silent treatment throughout last 2.5 years. I didn't move out in the end, although advice on here was spot on and much needed. Guess he sweet talked me into staying. I was so concerned about my son being in a broken home and wanted to try and make it work for all our sakes. Having snooped further (bad I know but sometimes the end justifies the means) I have discovered a relationship with a younger colleague who lives in York. We are in Scotland but he travels for work. This has been going on for at least 2 years - since my son was a little baby. I'm shocked and disgusted by him. I haven't yet confronted him as I'm afraid he will throw me out and I need to find somewhere to live first. My family are 60 miles away so not ideal. And money is tight. Over the last few days he had been absolutely vile and bullying to me. And in front of children. It was his 40th yesterday and I bought some nice gifts which he chose not to acknowledge and has barely spoken to me. I'm desperate to get out ( his house) and tell him I know everything. I'm so angry and in shocked about level of his betrayal and he gets off on being a nasty bastard to me! Why do these despicable men behave like this!!! I'm so hurt and bewildered but don't want to lose control of my emotions until I have a plan. I just ended to vent and seek your advice on how to confront him. Broken hearted for my darling son.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2015 19:00

Sorry you've had your fears confirmed. As you appear to be in a vulnerable position and are already being subjected to abuse, I would suggest you tall to Women's Aid and get their advice. If there's a serious chance he would try to evict you and your child on the spot you may be better off seeking refuge short term.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 19:02

Why did you buy him gifts and still put store in his approval Confused

the man is a dirty cheat that treats you like shot

my advice is to detach completely until you can leave

still letting yourself get so upset by behaviour you can only have come to expect just knocks your self esteem even further

you are in control here take back your love, stop trying to please him and reclaim your self respect

I hope you get out very soon. In the meantime, get a STI check and fgs stop sleeping with him

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2015 19:16

Why do you think he is being so vile to you..? He wants you to leave and then he will be free to go to the female in York. That way it will be you that broke up the marriage and not him.

Sorry this is happening

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 15/02/2015 19:41

AF I hear you. I wanted to keep lid on things until I found somewhere me and DS could go to. So I bought him pressies and then I wanted to leave with my parting shot being I know what you've been doing you bastard and never look back.

I did consider Women Aid Cogito - but ultimately I don't think he'd throw me out because of DS - he does love his kids in his own twisted way.

And I haven't slept with him since October after another dose of silent treatment.

Yes I guess he is being so vile so that he can go to her. Coward. She's welcome. I will raise my child to never treat anyone in this vile, dysfunctional way!

Advice as always is spot on AF. Detach...detach...and breath...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 19:42

glad to see you are not sleeping with him

what is next on your path to getting away from this piece of shit ? x

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 15/02/2015 19:50

AF - nothing but a rental lease which I will focus on this week. Now I have to tell my boss at work. Hate bringing this kind of thing into the office but I need her support.

It's just so reassuring to get your advice - much appreciated. I've been an absolute fool and this will scar me. But by God have I learned to choose more wisely in future. And will do my utmost to bring up my son with dignity and a sense if how to treat others with kindness.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 15/02/2015 20:00

Tidy, that is a rotten situation. I just had to post to say I admire your guts, it must have been a horrible shock, but you absolutely have the right approach. It's tough, but I think you'll be fine.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 20:30

Keep posting and telling us how you are getting on x

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 15/02/2015 20:34

Thank you so much ladies. I hope to move very soon and start the rest of my life in peace and tranquility. I will keep posting as I will need the support as this plays out...

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 15/02/2015 20:47

Ok so I've just told him I'm looking for somewhere as a matter of priority but I need to stay here until I find somewhere. He said that's fine as long as you pay bills. I said if I have to fund another home I can't give him money and asked him is he then throwing me out? He said yes. I shouted and he told me to keep noise down as DSS is sleeping. I said your other son is sleeping too. He told me to fuck off and get out tomorrow. I'm shaking.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 20:57

When you almost moved out in October, where were you going to go ? Go there. Go to your parents, go to a friend's.

Is it his house ?

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 15/02/2015 21:00

It is his house. I am packing a bag and going tomorrow to my family. I'll just have to get around the distance. I cannot endure this any longer.

OP posts:
Goodbetterbest · 15/02/2015 21:03

I'm sorry Tinydancer. It's utterly shit.

It may be that he is defensive and threatening to throw you out is a knee jerk reaction. My STBXH does this all the time. I'm biding my time until he goes so I kind of understand where you are coming from.

We are in mediation and it has been extremely helpful. Is this something you could maybe consider?

Goodbetterbest · 15/02/2015 21:04

Crossed post Tinydancer.

You CAN do this and you will be glad you did.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 21:04

That sounds like the right decision

go to where you and your ds are loved and appreciated Thanks

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 15/02/2015 21:40

Goodbetterbest...I just know you are right. AF - where me and my DS are loved and appreciated...I cannot recall ever feeling like that since DS was born. It will feel blissful.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 15/02/2015 21:42

Goodbetter - in my more reasonable mind yes I would consider mediation if I felt that was right for my son. Generally speaking I would never curtail him seeing DS as I would not do that to my child as hard as that may be for me. Unless of course I had reason not to.

OP posts:
StrawberryMouse · 15/02/2015 21:48

Sorry to hear all this TinyDancer.

I think you are doing the right thing, difficult as this must be for you. Get far away from him and rebuild from there. You and your ds can be happy again.

Lambzig · 16/02/2015 09:28

I hope you are OK this morning.

It seems to me that a long commute, or being a bit squashed up, but being with people who love you and DS will turn out to be easier than enduring this awful atmosphere at home. You will be able to breathe again.

Goodbetterbest · 16/02/2015 18:51

Mediation was massively helpful in sorting out the money/home side of things. My XH responded well to it (despite his knee jerk threats of kicking me out) Our issue wasn't the children but the financial stuff. He pays the mortgage but it's still my home and he has gone elsewhere.

Also make sure you claim what you can. Entitledto.co.uk.

I really do wish you the best of luck. No one should be treated as you have been. Well done for making the break.

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 16/02/2015 19:02

Thank you to all for your support. For practical reasons and to give me time to pack I am going to my sister's on Wednesday. I can stomach this for another less than 48 hrs. He has been vile this evening. DSS was tired after nursery and was having a tantrum when we got home. I put something on CBEEBIES to calm him down and he demanded why TV had been changed and snarled about him crying as soon as he's in the door. Nasty, nasty man. Ugh. My poor wee DSS got even more distressed then. We are upstairs staying away from him. How did I get here and let my judgement fall so low?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 21:08

Never mind that. You just get yourself and your kids away from him Thanks

AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2015 23:36

DSS is his son from a previous relationship, yes? I'd let his mother (if you feel it's appropriate) know that you have left if you feel it may have an impact on him or if his father is short-tempered with him. It sounds as if you've served as a 'bumper' between DSS and his father's temper.

You're doing the right thing. There is just too much happiness out there for you to continue to live with such unhappiness.

Goodbetterbest · 16/02/2015 23:45

Tinydancer - I frequently think that of my own situation, and of many, many of my lovely, bright, clever, friends 'how did we get it SO wrong?'

I don't think we did. I think the men chose to let us down badly.

Look how we take control and move forward, away from them. We really are doing this. And it is the right thing to do.

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 17/02/2015 23:27

Thank you so much for your support. It means an incredible amount to me.

AcrossThePond: I did consider that - may do it. Just not keen to create a huge drama tbh. STBX is kind to the kids. It's me he has the issue with and as a result can be prickly with our DS more as a reaction to me. When I'm out of the way he enjoys time with DS. But doesn't respect my role as a mother.

He has clearly had second thoughts about throwing me out. So I'm staying in the house and looking for somewhere from here. It takes huge pressure off me as the thought of a 130 mile round commute to work and DS's nursery would be horrible. I also told my boss today - so it feels very official.

Good better: my self esteem is rock bottom because of this and you are right - these men have let us down. I have no desire to make it work anymore. I am exhausted and looking forward to moving on. I hope you're doing ok?

Hugs to you all and I'll let you know what happens next...

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread