STBX behaving so vile

[TinyDancer69]

I posted here in September 2014 because things were awful between me and partner. We have a 2.5 year old DS and an 8 year old DSS 40% of the time, from partner's previous relationship. I almost moved out in October due to real doubts about him being faithful to me and also dreadful silent treatment throughout last 2.5 years. I didn't move out in the end, although advice on here was spot on and much needed. Guess he sweet talked me into staying. I was so concerned about my son being in a broken home and wanted to try and make it work for all our sakes. Having snooped further (bad I know but sometimes the end justifies the means) I have discovered a relationship with a younger colleague who lives in York. We are in Scotland but he travels for work. This has been going on for at least 2 years - since my son was a little baby. I'm shocked and disgusted by him. I haven't yet confronted him as I'm afraid he will throw me out and I need to find somewhere to live first. My family are 60 miles away so not ideal. And money is tight. Over the last few days he had been absolutely vile and bullying to me. And in front of children. It was his 40th yesterday and I bought some nice gifts which he chose not to acknowledge and has barely spoken to me. I'm desperate to get out ( his house) and tell him I know everything. I'm so angry and in shocked about level of his betrayal and he gets off on being a nasty bastard to me! Why do these despicable men behave like this!!! I'm so hurt and bewildered but don't want to lose control of my emotions until I have a plan. I just ended to vent and seek your advice on how to confront him. Broken hearted for my darling son.

Please do Tinydancer. We can support you - MN made a huge difference during my break up (especially AFs straight talking - it's me, Suspiciousandsad BTW Anyfucker).

Telling people is important. If he is being reasonable I'll reiterate using a mediator. Cheaper than a solicitor and guides you through separation order that will be fair to both of you. I hadn't considered that I was entitled to a share of his pension and that is being sorted now. She actually used the term 'conscious uncoupling' but it makes sense. He's in my life for ever so I need to make it work despite his appalling behaviour. I've seen how counter-productive hate and bitterness can be in separation and it just isn't worth it. No one benefits and the XHs I know have all dug their heels in and retreated, leaving my friends bring up the children with no financial help or co-operative parenting.

Ignore the knee jerk reactions and work towards your own goals. Good luck, you are on your way

Oh one other thing - our mediator suggested a book 'parenting apart' by Christina McGhee. I found it invaluable and heartily recommend it.

Hello there, SAS, glad to know you are doing okay

dancer, keep pushing through, you will get there in the end

glad to see he has dialled the drama down somewhat

How are you getting on Tinydancer?

Hi Goodbetter - so nice of you to check in on me - thank you. I'm ok just continuing to look for a suitable place for me and DS. So little available in my price range but i know something will turn up. My mum's health is deteriorating and I think she has early dementia signs; my sister is signed off with depression and I'm trying to organise guardianship for my brother who is mentally disabled and lives with my mum. And in between trying to keep myself together for sake of DS as my world crumbles around me. I have no second thoughts about STBX - I am more resolved than ever that getting out is the only sane decision. This is a horrible time in my life and I can only hope things get better soon. I forget what it's like to be happy and look forward to anything. It's like living in a war zone, although his mood today is ok because I've been away most of the weekend with my mum and my sister. But he was usual moody self when he came back from travelling on Friday. Weirdly on Thursday night when he was away for work he called at 10pm quite drunk and talked about his stresses at work for half an hour. I just listened. Cannot recall last time that happened and set me back a bit until Friday when he was back to normal! I'm sorry for the rant!!

You have so much to contend with.

No doubt he talked about himself for an hour, did he draw breath long enough to ask about you?

He'll be playing the 'poor me' card. How very predictable.

And rant away - MNs good for it.

You will have the reserves to deal with it all. Dig deep.

Funnily enough yes he did just talk about himself. Such a nasty bully. We have DSS here this weekend and I want to visit my poorly mum tomorrow so want to leave DS with them. He knows how bad things are with my mum snd how exhausted i am and yet gives me absolutely no practical support other than make dinner. So he said we would talk later about arrangements for tomorrow. I said there's nothing to discuss - will you take DS or not. He got arsy and wouldn't commit (DSS was there at the time). What a complete knob. Profoundly selfish and can't be arsed looking after DS as it gets in way of looking after DSS. So my wee man always is second best. So much so I would consider forcing him to take me to court to see DS as he's done nothing for him since he was born.

One light at the end of tunnel is that my friend is letting me have her flat for 3 months rent free in April. It's gret news and I can't tell you what a relief it will be!