Advice for spending a week with toxic parents?

[oceanrose]

I need some coping strategies from people who have toxic parents but can't go NC.
Basically, I am about to spend a week with my extended family for a 'special birthday' (not mine).
Without outing myself, I have a complicated relationship with them. I am something of the 'outcast' of the family having rejected much of their religious lifestyle. The situation is not openly hostile. But it is very painful. My parents simply have little interest in me, my life or my work.
To give an example, at the last family event, my father gave a speech to thank everyone for coming. He thanked all the guests - and then mentioned each of his children - by name - except me. Six months on, he's still not apologised and doesn't think he did anything wrong.
I'm not brave enough to go NC although I have hugely cut back on communication.
So my question really is this. How do people in this not-quite-NC limbo state cope? I feel like perhaps I need some kind of mantra to tell myself to keep myself calm and detached while I'm there. (I hope that all makes sense!)

I'm sorry, I went nc. Good luck

My family and lovely but I'd baulk at spending a week with them!
Do you really have to go? Can you plead finance or work or other commitments? Who else will be with you- partner or children? Does the thought of subjecting your children to being mistreated or even seeing you being sidelined enough of an impetus to cancel?

If I really had to spend a week around people I didn't like much I'd make sure I had some easy access bolt holes to retreat into. Also transport.... Nothing nicer than knowing you can just jump in a car or hop on a plane and leave them all behind.

Don't engage on any level.

Forget everything they say the minute they say it.
think about how you could go NC when in their presence
If they really step it up say "oh, really?" in a fairly disinterested voice
Continue being disinterested.

There is no rule that say, when in the same room as someone you have to talk to them, or even listen to them.
Accept they can only deal with a limited set of people and views and that is THEIR LOSS.

See if you can end up seeing them as really inadequate sad people with little generosity or joy and how you can avoid them in future.

Is there no way you can reduce the time spent there.... illness perhaps?

I'd reconsider the whole week thing. If there are real complications and you can't yet go NC, then perhaps popping in for a birthday meal for a couple of hours - but a week ?

Thankyou. Miggs- that is very helpful.
Seriously, I do have to go - but I hear what you say about exposing my kids to this situation. Two are far to young to notice. But my eldest is very aware - and was unbelievably supportive when 'the speech' incident happened.

Cog - I won't have transport but will be staying in separate accommodation. Hopefully that will give some breathing space.
Is it ridiculous that I feel so nervous about this? And angry with myself as well as them. Nobody else makes me feel this way?!

Why do you have to go? Why do you HAVE to? What will happen if you don't go?

I've been there, I couldn't go nc with toxic dad, until he did something so awful it gave the strength and "permission" to get rid.

Where's your threshold? How bad does it have to get before you value yourself?

It might help to know the context of this week long event. Is it in the UK? Abroad? How come no transport? Is it the birthday of someone you quite like or someone you can't stand? Will there be other family members there that you're looking forward to seeing?

I'm trying very hard to imagine circumstances where you had to go and failing - at least failing to imagine a necessity that would outweigh the health and happiness of yourself and your children. (And it could be just as bad - if not worse - than the last family event.)

I think you have to reconsider this.

Why do you have to go at all, you have a very good idea of how this is going to play out. What consequences are there for you if you do not go?.
It also does not have to be at all openly hostile for such an occasion to be absolutely awful.

Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many damaging legacies left to now adult children like yourself oceanrose. Fear is driving this as well I think in that you perhaps feel that you cannot not attend this event.

Honestly I would not at all go to this event, you are the scapegoat for their inherent ills and will be treated as such the whole time you are there.

It will do your children no favours at all, particularly your eldest who is all too aware anyway of what your family of origin are like, to see their mother keep being so disrespected by their grandparents. You're simply showing them that this abusive treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level. It will further damage them and you by exposing any of you to this on any level. You are showing too your own children that you do not at all value yourself.

You have no car either so simply cannot walk out and drive off.

People like your parents and siblings (who are just glad that you are copping the fallout and not them) are NOT going to change, you can only change how you react to them. You perhaps keep going back as well in the hopes they will change, properly apologise or even accept any responsibility for their actions; such people do none of these things. Surround yourself instead with emotionally healthy people, not those who are happy to do you and in turn your own children down. You do not need them but they need you to keep the scapegoat dynamic going. You do not have to play their game any more.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as well as posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

I agree ^^.

Why exactly do you need to go? Clearly your parents still have a degree of control over you if, as an adult, you can't just say 'thank you for inviting us, but we will not be attending'. Or at the very least go for less than a week.

What on earth are the circumstances that you have to go for a whole week?

Like seriously - I actually get on well with my parents but no way could I spend a week with them, nor would they want to spend a week with me. . Actually they did suggest a 'big, extended family holiday' recently with my siblings and families, I made it very clear that it was not a good idea.

You don't have to do anything in this life that you don't want to do.

^ This.

James - thanks for those questions. They are very difficult to answer. But I know I have to face this. Honestly, I don't know what my threshold is - although I suspect I'm close to the end of my coping limits. I've not been able to tell friends about the last incident without crying. It is still very raw.
Cog - apologies for drip feed. The event is abroad so a week is needed to avoid too much jetlag for the kids. My sister - who I am still very close to - will also be there so that is the silver lining. She lives abroad too so it's rare I get to see her in person. Usually, her being at family things outweighs the toxic stuff for me. For some reason it doesn't seem to be enough this time.

Depends whose special birthday it is and if you get on with them.
If it's you Dad's I'd give it a miss.

Use the week to hang out with your sister, give the parents a huge swerve?

How does your sister get along with her parents these days?. Is she close to them?.

Have you spoken to your sister and explained how you feel? Does she know about your father's slight last time? Can you cook up a Survival Plan between you where you make yourselves scarce the minute the candles have been blown out and go do something more fun instead?

Invite your sister to spend a week with you and develop Tactical Typhoid. (I use that last phrase advisedly to represent any half-assed excuse: you shouldn't need to give one but you clearly do.) Just don't go.

If they comment on your absence, Tough. They don't deserve to have you and the children present after the way they've treated you.

I know it's hard to stand up for yourself by the way, took me many many years to do so, and even then I just went off the radar, I didn't have the guts to actually confront him.

If you have to go ahead, thenI suggest you just detach yourself as much as possible. Don't bother speaking to them other than the absolute basic amount just to be civil. Organise a few things for yourself to do with the kids while you're there. Spend time with your sister, sod what they think. You don't have to let their behaviour affect you.

Attila - I replied before I saw your post. I will get a copy of the book you mentioned.
And I do agree with what you say. I think a combination of guilt, obligation and wishful thinking keeps me going back.
As for my kids, I think I hoped (possibly naively?) that they'll learn that family is important and possibly some ingrained notion of respecting parents/elders. But I'm beginning to realise that that's the guilt talking.
Honestly I just feel stuck. It took massive willpower and courage to 'leave' the religious lifestyle behind. I did that in my early 20's and settled for this no-mans-land of contact with family but having a totally different personal life. It's like living in 2 worlds. 20 years on I don't know if I'm brave enough to go the whole way to NC. It feels like losing my childhood, a world I was once part of - part of myself really. Does that make sense?
It has been very helpful to hear views from people 'outside' who are not carrying my baggage and who are seeing this fresh eyes. Thank you.

"As for my kids, I think I hoped (possibly naively?) that they'll learn that family is important and possibly some ingrained notion of respecting parents/elders. But I'm beginning to realise that that's the guilt talking".

Some people really should not be given any access to their grandchildren and your parents are a case in point. You would also not have tolerated one ounce of this from a friend, family are no different.

Your children are simply seeing their own grandparents constantly disrespect you as their mother; they are getting a lot of mixed messages because you have sat there and tolerated it. You have not said a flat no, we are not going to this family event. And yes that is guilt talking and they do still have a degree of control over you.

If you want this to stop, you've got to drop the rope.

Makes total sense, op. Also, I will tell you that once I nc, I didn't have a "family home" anymore, no house that meant anything, I didn't have access to the old family photos or knick knacks which meant something. It was hard and upsetting, while the dust settled.

However, I also had much less drama. No pressure! It was fantastic. I also felt like Id done something for me, I'd stood my ground, and it gave me more confidence in myself.

Do they treat your kids well, btw? Because your particular tipping point may well be if you see them beginning to treat your dc like they treat you. It may happen, one day.