Advice for spending a week with toxic parents?

[oceanrose]

I need some coping strategies from people who have toxic parents but can't go NC.
Basically, I am about to spend a week with my extended family for a 'special birthday' (not mine).
Without outing myself, I have a complicated relationship with them. I am something of the 'outcast' of the family having rejected much of their religious lifestyle. The situation is not openly hostile. But it is very painful. My parents simply have little interest in me, my life or my work.
To give an example, at the last family event, my father gave a speech to thank everyone for coming. He thanked all the guests - and then mentioned each of his children - by name - except me. Six months on, he's still not apologised and doesn't think he did anything wrong.
I'm not brave enough to go NC although I have hugely cut back on communication.
So my question really is this. How do people in this not-quite-NC limbo state cope? I feel like perhaps I need some kind of mantra to tell myself to keep myself calm and detached while I'm there. (I hope that all makes sense!)

Again - thank you for these replies. I'm very moved by these responses.
My sister is still very entrenched in that 'world' - forgive me for using that word. Makes them sound like aliens - they are just part of a very enclosed insular community. Point is, she wouldn't dream of criticising my parents - least of all my father. She knows about the speech - she thinks it's an old man being forgetful. (I say, we forget the things that don't matter to us )
I will try to engineer as much 'away time' as possible. I think, though, that ultimately NC might be my only option. And it makes me terribly sad.
(Thankfully I have 3 amazing kids and a brilliant DH. My own family is fab. Someone up thread referred to 'family of origin'. That's the bit I have to deal with - and move on from, I think)

"It's like living in 2 worlds. 20 years on I don't know if I'm brave enough to go the whole way to NC. It feels like losing my childhood, a world I was once part of - part of myself really. Does that make sense?"

Yes that makes perfect sense. Going NC is never a decision that is made lightly but your parents will not change. You can change how you react to them though. It is NOT your fault your parents are the ways they are, you did not make them that way. They chose to make you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills and in doing that not having to address their own familial dysfunction.

"My sister is still very entrenched in that 'world' - forgive me for using that word. Makes them sound like aliens - they are just part of a very enclosed insular community. Point is, she wouldn't dream of criticising my parents - least of all my father. She knows about the speech - she thinks it's an old man being forgetful. (I say, we forget the things that don't matter to us hmm)"

The above is precisely why I asked you about your sister. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and this person is more favoured. Spending time with her may not work out all that well precisely because she does not want to hear your point of view about what is also her family of origin as well. She may well ultimately choose the parents over you as she still wants to remain in their favour so will protect her own self interest. Her role as one of the golden children though, is not one without price but she is as yet unaware as to what that actually is. As the scapegoat you are actually in a far better position than she is, she is being engulfed by this whereas you are not. You can break free.

Attilla - I haven't ever properly considered what my kids would be learning from this. Your comments are very powerful and have given me lots to think about. I know I need to consider things from their POV.
I know that my eldest realised years ago that my relationship with my parents was terrible. He is respectful to them when he sees them - but he has my back. How terrible that a teenager is in that position! I do feel bad about that.
My parents are actually very nice to my son. And I do think they recognise I did a good job raising him. (He's a really great young man now). But they fairly frequently make comments on his (lack of) religious observance. (My fault!) My other kids are still young so not really on their radar. (They have 20+ grandchildren and are not really baby-stage people!!)

.....It feels like losing my childhood, a world I was once part of - part of myself really......

Yes - that does make sense. But I think that those are already gone aren't they? (Except inasmuch as they're still inside you.)

You can't keep going back hoping against hope that things will suddenly 'fix themselves' because they won't. Your father still hasn't apologised and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Nor will he, I imagine.

All you should do, really, is make the best new life for yourself and your family that you can and put the rest out of your life. (Your eldest sounds great by the way - good job there!)

"My parents are actually very nice to my son. And I do think they recognise I did a good job raising him. (He's a really great young man now). But they fairly frequently make comments on his (lack of) religious observance".

So they are not actually very nice to him at all, they would accept his lack of religious observance if they were at all tolerant and accepted him fully "warts and all". These people have and continue to pay no real attention or interest to any of your lives, you've basically been disowned because of their own intolerance towards people who think differently from them.

My dad no longer goes on about my lack of religious observance mainly because I have called him on it. Its not and was never his decision to make and I still have a sense of faith regardless of the fact that I do not attend mass regularly.

I really just wouldn't go,spend the money on a lovely fun holiday for you & your children.

Yes Cozie you are right. Those things are already gone. Realising that is probably why I feel so sad and conflicted by all of this.

I'm not sure how relevant this observation is: I was watching '19 and counting' with DD18 last night, the programme about the conservative Christians with 19 children. The lifestyle for the younger children, under teens, looks utterly idyllic, for the older ones much less so. I imagine if any of them chose a different lifestyle from their parents they'd have immense regret, but that doesn't mean their childhoods were invalid or that as adults they're not making the right decision now.

I am 3 weeks into NC with my parents after MNetters very wisely pointed out that they were abusive and had colluded in my childhood abuse. They think I've gone NC because I have returned to my abusive H, I haven't. But this reaction, that I couldn't possibly go NC with them because of what THEY have done, it is always someone else's fault (usually mine) has just strengthened my resolve. They will never change. So I have. I was sick of tying myself in knots worrying about their opinion if me, sick of feeling outraged that they put me down in front of my dc's. They were rubbish parents and Gp's and that's not my fault. They need to address that in their conscience.

OP don't waste anymore years trying to work out what you should do. The sense of relief I have got without them breathing down my neck and judging and tutting at me is huge. Psychologically it has given me a break, can you give yourself a break now?

During the week try to observe dispassionately.

Make a note of every criticism, every put-down, every insult, of you and your children. Perhaps get your DH and DS to do with you. I bet they will notice things you no longer see.

I would suggest making an actual physical note - typed into your phone or written in a notebook. Not mental notes because you will forget or minimise. Obviously do the same for all the kind things said or done.

I expect that by the end of the week you will find it much much easier to go fully NC.

Seriously, what can they do to you if you just start ignoring them?

I went NC with my mother in August, my siblings have since disowned my children as well.

In hindsight, I now realise that I must have had many copy strategies over the years. The most powerful one is perhaps the hardest to master was being able to not "rise" to any behaviour or comments aimed at me or my partner.

Never underestimate the power of a "Hmmm" whilst nodding at the same time. As if you listening patiently to a small child telling a tall story, for some reason it drives Narcs completely demented.

I think Melon's idea is good, make an actual note of all the negative things that are said and done during the week.

When you're with them keep saying to yourself that, if YOU so choose, this could be the last time you have to see them. It sounds like that thought will be unbearably sad to you, but the alternative sounds unbearable also.