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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What made you leave or finish a relationship?

28 replies

Levismum · 15/02/2015 01:40

Just that really!

OP posts:

Arsenic · 15/02/2015 01:55

Why?

lilibet · 15/02/2015 02:04

Realising that I didn't want my children thinking this was normal

Mom2K · 15/02/2015 02:06

What lilibet said

ilovelamp82 · 15/02/2015 02:07

Same as lilibet. Not wanting my children to grow up thinking this was the way a relationship would be. i want them to go on and have happy, healthy relationships.

TheCowThatLaughs · 15/02/2015 02:49

Admitting to myself that I didn't love him and didn't want to be with him. I had finished it 3 days later, that was after 10 yrs of controlling abuse.

needaholidaynow · 15/02/2015 03:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Levismum · 15/02/2015 07:53

I'm ending my relationship after almost 16 years. For the same reason most of you gave.

The problem is I've got so much to deal with on a day to day basis that I can barely cope.

The stress of splitting up & dealing with dp is too much so I end up trying to ignore how i feel & get on with day to day stuff.

He hasn't done anything in particular. I just don't love him anymore. Our relationship had disintegrated. There's no communication. Friendship. Companionship. Care. Support. There is alot of guilt. Pain. Passive aggressive crap from him. Resentment & anger from me.

I set the bar so low.

I've realised it will never change. I have no RL support. 4 dc. 2 with complex SN. The youngest just turned 1. But i need to do this & i can't ignore it anymore.

But he's not cheated. Rarely drinks. No DV. So nothing too bad... That's it really!

OP posts:

faithfaithfaith · 15/02/2015 08:01

After 2 years of trying and pretending I realised staying showed such little self respect after what he had done. Couldn't live with myself.
Realised I was entitled to be happy too

PoppySausage · 15/02/2015 08:07

My self respect had gone
I was a mess
I knew through the fog that life could be better

peachgirl · 15/02/2015 09:41

Realising that I was more unhappy than happy in my relationship, and it was all down to his abusive passive-aggressive behaviour.

The short version is; about 6 months into the relationship it was made very clear that I was at the bottom of his priority list. I'm not a diva-demanding-attention type, but it was all the broken promises that finally ended it.

e.g. On many occasions of our pre-arranged dates, he would just not... be there. He'd leave me waiting outside his house for hours (literally; the longest I lasted was nearly 2 hours until I realised how pathetic I was being) at a time, not answering his phone and no text to apologise or explain. He would unexpectedly ditch me at the last minute for work - he didn't need the money, and this happened a couple of times a month. He would promise not to do it again, and then do it again the next week.

I tried for months but he was unwilling/unable to listen why I was so upset at constantly being treated like an inconvenience to his life, and he would turn it around on me all the time ("your life is already sorted out... I'm trying to make my life better, why can't you be supportive... why are you trying to make me feel guilty about that..." etc).

When I asked why he was telling me everything I did wrong instead of explaining/apologising, I never got a straight answer, but it was definitely all my fault. As I told him when he came crawling back (twice!) I've got far too much self-respect for all that nonsense. You had multiple chances, now jog on love.

Original poster

Levismum · 15/02/2015 09:51

My dp isn't direct like the 'man' peachgirl describes.

Example would be, I only found out last week he's off work this week but I've already paid for carers for our ds. I rarely know his hours even though I ask...repeatedly!

He was annoyed yesterday as I wasn't impressed with the effort he made for valentines day. My point was i wouldn't eat 3 boxes of chocolates but i would appreciate him tidying up or put a washing on.

I don't know if im a just hard to please but I'm not happy in my relationship. Yet i feel a terrible failure. I wish i could make this all better!

OP posts:

StormyBrid · 15/02/2015 10:03

Realising that if I stayed I'd be spending the rest of my life in limbo waiting for him to grow the fuck up. And that he was quite prepared to let me do all the planning and organising and stressing about everything, and even though I told him I wasn't happy about it he'd shrug and do nothing. Also, when my dad had a heart attack and wasn't able to care for my mother and she had to go into a home, I felt utterly devoid of emotional support from him, and I couldn't face a lifetime of that.

Got to credit the Relationships board too. If it weren't for this place I'd still be stuck in limbo thinking it wouldn't be fair to end it because he hadn't done anything bad like cheating or hitting me. Lurking here taught me that if I'm not happy, that's reason enough to end it.

Original poster

Levismum · 15/02/2015 10:07

Absolutely Stormy Bird! Finding MN was a real eye opener for me. My sister is the only person in my life thst holds opinions similar to the ones I read on MN.

Otherwise everyone I've contact with would have a very limited & blinkered view of relationships...ie : he goes to work - he's a good un' !

OP posts:

Older · 15/02/2015 10:09

The problem is I've got so much to deal with on a day to day basis that I can barely cope.

That was me. It was only after I'd separated that I realised a lot of the chaos in my life also left.

Original poster

Levismum · 15/02/2015 10:15

He adds to it by not telling me what shifts he's on. Or when he's got leave. He also changes days off & if i complain, he makes out he does it to help me.

I end up planning everything as if he's not here

OP posts:

Sickoffrozen · 15/02/2015 10:20

Affair. Ended it the day I found out.

StormyBrid · 15/02/2015 10:28

Going to work's certainly a plus point (DD's father has a habit of taking three weeks off when he gets a bit of a sniffle then wondering why he gets fired, and it was never him stressing about where the rent was coming from). But really, it shouldn't be a plus, it should be a basic standard, and one shouldn't have to feel grateful that basic standards of behaviour are met.

Original poster

Levismum · 15/02/2015 10:38

He uses work as a way of getting out of stuff. It's not a very well paid job either!

I think going to work every day is a very basic standard!

its very difficult to describe. It's like he's here but doesn't take part. He doesn't ask about the dc even if he hasn't seen them all week. Never does anything to do with school, medical appointments etc. Our 6 yr ds is being assessed for an EHC plan but he has no interest so i deal with it all by myself.

OP posts:

FourAndDone · 15/02/2015 10:49

How did you all get the guts to leave? I'm scared for my children.
I know everyone will judge.
I couldn't stand all the comments that would inevitably come.
You allsound so strong!

Malabrig0 · 15/02/2015 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunseeker77 · 15/02/2015 11:14

My ex and I were together for 17 1/2 years, had been to hell and back right from early days of our relationship. Then in 2011, I had a breakdown of epic proportions which saw me hospitalised for the better part of 6 months, the day before I was meant to leave and return home I found out that he had hooked up with someone while I had been sick/in hospital

After everything we had been through and all the previous hurt he had caused me and our kids - I honestly thought that nothing could do more damage but that particular act, floored me.

StormyBrid · 15/02/2015 11:26

You're not alone, Levismum. Have you read Wifework? I'd recommend it. He's getting a lot out of your relationship. What are you getting out of it?

Original poster

Levismum · 15/02/2015 11:43

I started to write a reply Stormy Bird but i couldn't finish it...

I get absolutely nothing.

He guilt trips me into taking him back. Every time.

I don't even care what people think.

OP posts:

StormyBrid · 15/02/2015 12:04

I think that's bloody twattish of him. Not exactly prioritising his dearly beloved's wants and needs, is he? I take it you want to find a way to get out and stay out? I hope someone else with better advice than me will be along soon, because I'm no expert, but think about the guilt. Is it always the same thing? If there's a pattern, you can be prepared for it and resist it.

LuluJakey1 · 15/02/2015 12:14

Why have you kept having children together if this is what he is like? Not criticising, just asking. Presumably you were seeing a long term future just a year ago and his behaviour does not seem to have changed. It seems like you have put extra pressure on yourselves (self) in an already stressful family situation and relationship. Honestly not criticising, just trying to understand.

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