What are the steps on the road to recovery after leaving an EA relationship?

[Mylifepart2]

Just separated (week 6) from STBXH after 30 years (20 years married x4 dc). He is a passive-aggressive man-child and an alcoholic passiveaggressiveabuse.wordpress.com/passive-aggressive-behavior/

The penny only dropped that this was EA in the last few months - even though I was in total despair in the relationship for large periods of time - I thought it was me being unreasonable/short tempered etc.

But I am well and truly over him - I now know what he is, now know that the relationship was toxic, abusive and dysfunctional.....but what do I now need to address for myself? - how do I recover emotionally? - what are the steps on the path to healing? I dont know what a "fixed me" looks like as we met at school and I had a very challenging childhood.

Are there obvious phases to get through/aim for to recover.

I left my EA H two years ago and life has improved hugely. I was only in the marriage for 2.5 years before I left so our sitaions differ. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are incredibly brave for having the strength to be true to yourself. Counselling has helped me immensely. Also, it's important to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you will need space and time to grieve the end of your relationship, even though it was toxic. Good luck with this exciting new phase of your life!

IME Emotional abuse tends to mostly damage self-esteem and confidence. Being subjected to control for an extended period of time means victims become consumed by the (irrational/unreasonable) needs of one toxic individual. In the process, they stop trusting their own judgement and are so often told they are substandard (or mad, or stupid, or whatever...) that they lose sight of who they really are. If you got on the EA treadmill at school age, you could easily have missed out on a whole developmental chapter.

Again IME recovering that confidence, restoring trust in yourself and revealing your true personality takes a lot of time and a lot of trial and error. Counselling will be one of the things to consider.

I think some of the 'steps' would be

• Try new things, meet new people, make decisions, face success and failure 'and treat those two imposters just the same'. This builds confidence & resilience
• Change your environment. Personalise your life. Overwrite bad old memories with good new ones.
• Learn to shut up your abuser's 'voice' if it pops into your head casting doubts. Deliberately do stuff he would have hated or ridiculed.
• Understanding 'EA' techniques in a critical way so that you can recognise them when you see them in others. You cannot avoid bullies but, once you are wise to their game, you can neutralise them.
• Developing assertiveness and an uncompromising attitude. EA victims can be too concerned that others like them. Be prepared to reject first and ask questions later. :)

Wise advice above.

Again, I had a much shorter experience of EA.

I found out that I had to get my ex's voice out of my head and substitute my own instead.

There's a line in a Paul McKenna hypnotism CD which is a bit cheesy but really struck me. "Step out of your own mind and into the mind of someone who really loves you. See yourself how they see you" etc. It brought it home to me that I'd learned to see myself through my ex's eyes, and they were not the eyes of someone who loved me. Luckily my dad has always thought I'm great, so I tried seeing myself through loving eyes, and learned compassion and affection for myself again.

I did a 14yr stretch with an EA Manchild. In a way it depends on what he is like, the way to get over it.

My own STBXH is a particularly pathetic excuse for a parent - in fact - parent is not a term I would apply to him. Childminder is more apt.

He still disappoints regularly, not reading the emails I send with my work rota, forgetting to book previously-agreed annual leave to cover school hols, refuses to make dd1 packed lunches for school ('I have no food') and oversleeping when the dc need dropping due school.

These things all make recovery slower. But, I have carved out much better life for myself now, this has involved spending time with friends and family, re decorating my home, throwing away vast amounts of stuff connected to him, not allowing him to set foot in my home, refusing to think about what's going on in his head or why. Enjoying the space in my life and my head is the sweetest part. Counselling has played a big part in processing stuff, which involves seeing your past relationship in a new light - you will be truly shocked at why you ever put up with what you did.

The hardest part is finding a new way of interacting around them because you were so ingrained in this crazy emotional interaction for so long.

But oh wow, life is immeasurably better. For about a year the sun seemed to shine brighter. I hope it will be like this for you. Congrats on getting out

Thanks it is really inspiring that there is lots to look forward to and that there is lots that I can do to proactively help myself to heal. I dont recognise his talk in my head as he was so disengaged but I do hear my own voice harping on in bitterness, anger, resentment, frustration and exasperation.

Are there things that I should avoid?

Probably best to avoid being bitter and angry, even if it's only an internal dialogue. Life's no bed of roses but you can make things more pleasant if you restrict the amount of time you spend wallowing over past wrongs to a minimum. Not ignoring it completely or feeling obliged to plaster a smile on your face, just keeping things in proportion.

Thanks All - Handywoman - yes the learning a new way to interact is proving v difficult for me - I find it hard in his presence to not flip into screaming angry banshee at the drop of a hat -- but for the sake of the kids (they have seen enough for this dynamic) I need to slap on a smile and do the efficient receptionist routine.

mylifepart2,you got some great advices in here.
I am in the same situation. I have recently found out that the "receptionist smile" it's pretty weak and in my case works only if contacts are minimal. I put effort for the sake of my child to be more open towards him and I can swear it does not work. So ime first at all keep yourself to yourself. Don't share any sort of personal info cause he will use it against you, to get control again. and the frustration and exasperation you will feel then may even be stronger than what you were used to, because now you set yourself free and you are not used to his game anymore. Healing for me is coming from family, friends, work. being able to read a book in the evening when ds is asleep without a judgemental voice or somebody making noises so I cant concentrate and then telling me I can't even read a sentence and remember it... walks in the nature, going shopping without fearing that he will tease me at the till. trying to love myself even though I have been left with a lot of confusion about who I really am and if I'm worthed anything at all. listening to the people who care love and respect me. being tolerant with me. accept that I may loose my temper without implying that im crazy. oh and yoga and swimming.
Also never underestimate the damages you suffered, and accept that there will be set back and you may feel rubbish every now and then, and that it is not a failure, only necessary as healing is a process.
I will be looking at this very helpful thread as I am too still trying to heal.

I don't have time to read all the replies yet but I want to join the thread. Will read later.

Firstly, well done Mylife. I'm going through similar, and I know how bloody hard it is. My ex is supposed to be moving out tomorrow. Hopefully it will happen without any trouble. Once he is gone, I really need to work on myself. I need to recognise why I allowed someone to treat me with such disrespect for so long. I need to get myself back on track, for myself and for the sake of my little boy.

Will be back later.

Things that helped me:

• counselling - about a year's worth for me, and it has made such a difference. It gave me a safe place to just spit out how I felt about everything and then look at it from a new perspective, figure out how I felt about it, and then put the bad stuff aside.

• changing what's around me. I've spent a lot of time doing DIY - wallpaper, paint, changed some furniture. My living room is completely different now. No old memories, looking around it only makes me happy and satisfied with my hard work. I'm about halfway done doing the same in my bedroom. Even redid the dcs' bedrooms, as they had some unhappy memories as well, and I thought it might help them associate their "new" room with happier times. As I've done it myself (with some help from friends here and there), it also keeps me busy - not as much time to dwell.

• do things that make me happy. Haircut and colour. New top. A treat here and there for me and the dcs. An inexpensive holiday. Building new happy memories the dcs and I can reflect on.

• changing pictures on the wall. I know, I know. I honestly didn't go through and cut my ex out of all the pictures. I simply replaced older pictures with pictures we've taken on holiday or pictures we've had done since the separation. Again, reminders of new happier times, rather than feeling like old times when I see the pictures. Or... same pictures (if they are of children), but I've put them in new frames.

Little things add up.

Thanks for starting the thread Mylife. Mine was very very similar to yours but not together quite so long. I managed to get him out of the family home on October and moved into new place with the children in January. Whilst we were still in the house, it was almost as bad as having him there. He was constantly creating shit by text, phone, email and coming to the house. My head could not switch off at all. We've been here 5 weeks now and living somewhere else (I know not everyone is able to do this) has made a real difference, especially because I am not allowing him to come into the new please. He is being vile and will continue to be so, but my head is not as full of thoughts about him, the past and present, as it was. I haven't particularly done anything, my head has just gone quieter. I am in therapy - that's a big part of how I managed to leave. It's very expensive though, and to be honest I don't need it so much now so just go every 4-6 weeks. Stopping him sending texts has made a big difference, though it's surprising how much of a dick it's possible for him to be via email. He has also had post and parcels delivered to himself at my new address - deliberate mindfuck obviously. I have a phrase in my head - 'batting him into the long grass' - and that is what I aim to do every time he contacts me with ridiculous requests. I sort of imagine doing that physically as well. So whereas I used to think it was very important to stand up to him, I seem to have adapted to the idea that the best thing to do is give him as little reaction as possible. It took me a bloody age to learn that lesson though!

Apart from anything else, in the first few weeks I kept asking myself, as you are, what I should be doing, but the answer I came up with for myself was just to keep going and let it unfold. Stressing over what you should be doing can also be a pressure you put on yourself. I also went through a phase of sleeping the deepest sleep for a few weeks (after years of very poor sleep) - probably when I started to feel safe again. If I think about it, can you imagine how awful you would feel if you had done that to another human being? If you were a regular person and not an abusive arsehole? Anyway, glad to be with you others on this thread and hoping to hear from others about helpful steps.

Yes I have the problem of wanting to stand up to him too. I am slowly learning this isn't the best way of dealing with it. Just give him as little reaction as possible.

I'm glad to see this thread, wish I could help with some input but sadly I think I am just going to gain more than help here for now.

I am not yet separated but for now, I have found making plans helpful. Like what colour curtains to buy for our new place. Not having him say, ugh they are nasty or make any other disparaging comments about my taste in soft furnishings has made me feel happy!

Sorry for typos - I'm supposed to be a grammar nazi as well!

I realised the relationship was shit 7 years ago. I started to have words to describe how it was about two years ago (Mumsnet). I started to truly believe my own version of events about 12-18 months ago. I'm sure we've all done it, but really no point at all beating yourself up about how long it takes to leave. Sometimes I think it's a miracle I managed to leave at all, with the mental toll of living with an emotional abuser. I don't know how I stayed sane - was on the edge many times.

AccordingtoSteve keep making your plans. I painted my bedroom 2 weeks ago, and it was the first time I ever truly picked a colour! I loved it. No one to say 'well no how about the colour you like but 50 shades lighter'.

Understanding the reality of your relationship is the biggest step. It sounds a bit of a cliche, but it absolutely is. If you've done that, you've made a massive step x

Thank you kitty, it's appreciated. I totally resonated with what you said about sleeping too, I don't think I have had a decent night in years.

Will be so lovely to just spread out in my own bed, with none of the duvet wrestling (unless my youngest gets in with me) see, more plans! x

Good plans! Keep on planning. When you're planning, you're leaving x

I also have plans with the flat, how I'm going to re decorate, get some art on the walls (would've been ridiculed).

I've already got rid of his TV and computer. That was the first thing out (and he's on even moved himself yet)

I'm also going to lose that 2 stone that he made very difficult for me to lose (feeder)

Hair cut, take care of myself, cut down on my drinking. Concentrate on myself and my son instead of worrying about him or what he thinks. Watch rubbish telly. Do what I bloody well please!

Congrats Mylife - I left my EA husband 4 weeks ago (married 9 years, 3 DC).

I've started seeing a counsellor, and she recommended regaining my social life - organising dinners and drinks with family and friends. It's the last thing I feel like doing at the moment, but I am forcing myself to go out more with and without the DC and I'm finding that is does help.

I'm hoping to start an evening class - exercise or a course - once my youngest is sleeping more reliably in the evenings.

I guess the idea is just to do and enjoy doing the normal things that everybody else takes for granted.

For most of the first month plus I have been consumed with anger and bitterness in my head - felt a bit like PTSD - flashbacks to various incidents that I hadnt thought of for years....I also have felt very weighed down with trying to find the words and to justify why I have called it a day to F&F - he is Mr Nice, charming etc they dont know him as a disrespectful, neglectful, man-child, passive aggressive. But maybe that all required processing - but I am still distressed with the voice in my head trying to justify my decision. But home life (week 8) is calm, ordered and fine. I can cope with x4dc alone (he told me I never could) it is much easier not having disruptive fifth child creating chaos and adding immeasurably to the burden. I am going to do what I always wanted for the next year - be a stay at home Mum....the money will fritter away - but I need to do this for my kids before it is too late (oldest nearly 17).

I have been seeing friends and it has been good -- but I dont want it to be a therapy session - me bleating on - I just want to live life and have fun. I also have to shift a big fat arse as well developed by comfort eating over the years....

Wow...that was the day that was...just rumbled that he has a girlfriend....says he put his profile up on Match.com in Mid Jan (we separated 10th Jan) ... and has been in this relationship since early Feb. Bit of a blow - but really I don't care - I just thought he would be mourning the marriage for a day or two - ho hum...

What a bastard.
I feel really sorry for the new woman.
Sorry if you're feeling down about it, but remember, you're well off out of it xx

Oh what a shit he is. I hope you are ok, he sounds like a total bastard but that must have hurt nonetheless.

Perhaps it's a good thing he has someone else as a distraction and is not begging you to come back, I hope it's all helping you to move on even more.

I pity the poor woman he is dating, I hope she knows what she is letting herself in for. Well done to you for getting away from him.

You sound amazing btw - leavung after such a long time and bring up 4DC can't be easy but you sound very calm and confident about the future which is great.

I am recently in this situation. I am doing small things...taking each room one by one and cleaning/decluttering/adding personal touches.
New bedding....everything including duvet and pillows.

He is not coping well with the divorce and I am getting phone calls and texts ranging from abuse to self pity and suicide threats.
I am quite proud if myself for just replying calmly and unemotionally.

Hi mylife I left in November after 23 yrs. I seperated all the finances before I left and as my DC are 16 & 18, I have gone NC with stbxh, for me it's the only way.

How old are your DC and is there really any need for you to still be in contact with your ex??

they are 8,13,14,16 -- I have been exceptionally generous to him re access - I cook dinner he comes here 7-8.30 every eve and then on Sunday to be with the kids whilst I make myself scarce.....