Sexless marriage

[cobaltblue27]

I loved the man who is my husband from afar for eve years before we actually got together. We married two years ago and now have our little son. However, he lost interest in the physical side of our relationship a long time ago, and any activity seems like a huge effort for him. He finds excuses for why we don't have sex. We barely had sex at all when I was pregnant (and I mean, maybe twice), and haven't since then. I used to try to innate, but I cannot deal with the rejection. To all extents and purposes, our marriage is dead. It feels like we are more like housemates than anything else (to maybe I promoted myself there; perhaps I am the cleaner). I find myself hoping that one day someone will take an interest in me and I might find solace through an affair, but I feel so invisible and unattractive, I doubt even that will happen. Has anyone been through this? I feel like a freak and feel so depressed.

I really feel for you. Do you have soneone IRL to confide in? It sounds awful.

How old is your son, OP?

What do you think your husband would say if you told him what you've said here? Do you think he cares??

It sounds so sad for you both

Do you think he has erectile dysfunction? Would he be open to talking about it?

Sorry you feel so down about your relationship, is this serving that you've both frankly discussed? I've recently had to have the same discussion with DP as our physical relationship has been minimal since conception (DS now 6mo). we've agreed a few things we will try and where to draw lines, it's not a proven theory yet for us but I think that the honesty we had with each other will go further than just making agreements. it will allow for US to discuss things openly with each other in the future. I hope that you can both too find a way to talk.

serving =something

It's a shame when an otherwise good relationship hits a serious incompatibility problem. The first step is to talk, which you've done. If that gets nowehere, the second step is to point out that, if nothing changes, you don't see much of a future in the relationship. Plenty of people are in marriages where there is no physical affection but if that's not what you signed up for, you're not obliged to waste your time.

I was so upset to read your post. You are not a freak. How awful to be feeling so low. Yes do get some RL support. And you really cannot continue as you are at the moment. Life is too short. Do you still love your DH? I would show DH your post. You have set it all out. Let him read your post.

Dear Everyone, thanks so much for all your posts.

I have said all of this to my husband. He was shocked when I spelled out exactly how bad it has been in terms of how we had literally not had sex for six months. I think he does care, but it is like we have hit some major rut. Both of our libidos have been hit by the effects of new parenthood, and we are also about to move into a house where he has been overseeing a huge renovation project while I have been out of action in new motherhood (our son is 3 mos). We also had a maternity nurse living with us for nine weeks while I dealt with a very difficult recovery from birth and increased anxiety (I have suffered significantly from anxiety and depression in the past and have not found new motherhood easy). In the past my husband has suffered from addiction to porn which resulted in ED (which he went a long way to address, seeing counsellor, and agreeing to having software blocks on all the household computers - I don't believe this is the problem any more). My husband also has a horrible relationship with his mother (who is a miserable woman and very difficult), and his sister is very ill….there is a lot going on.

So maybe it makes me sound terrible to focus on the fact we don't have a physical relationship? But the thing is, for some men, and indeed for some of the other men I have had relationships with in the past, the physical side of a relationship is still something they enjoy and want, even when times are stressful. For us it seems like we have both lost interest and I have worried so much about it that now sex has become such a battleground I now have have battle fatigue. I also feel hideous and feel like there is something seriously unattractive about me and that is why he doesn't want me. Are there counsellors who can help us? But then I would feel guilt trying to force my husband to make space in our already crammed diaries to see someone to talk to about it.

I totally feel for you. My DH stopped having sex with me for 6 months and it took a lot of effort to get our intimacy back. Our sex life was never robust to begin with, we did it like rabbits when we met but the last 6 or so years it's been once every 2 or 3 months.

It took me two months to get him to sleep with me again but we're back to shagging like teenagers so I'm confident that my attempts have worked.

Steps:

1. Took my Implanton out, within 2 weeks my sex drive sky rocketed and I discovered that I was prepared to do a lot for cock.
2. Started looking after myself more, make up every day, nice clothes, shaving legs etc and treating myself as a sexy being. And it works for me, I love the feeling of my smooth legs and it makes me feel even better about myself.
3. Changed my diet. The weightloss is slow but it has had the effect of making me feel good about myself...that was the intention.
4. I was starting to feel really good about myself after a month but DH hadn't even noticed but this was about changing me, not him. I was hoping that eventually he would join me but I was prepared for it to take time.
5. Started creating a stress free environment at home. I cleaned more (and considered that exercise), stopped sulking and complaining and stopped over spending. I'm a sahm and DH works very long hours so it didn't feel like I was a slave.
6. Started talking to him more. Being a partner in his life and taking an interest in his thoughts and feelings. In the second month work suddenly got really stressful for him and he was really tired with less time for us so I stepped up the supportive wife role and could tell it was helping him through it.
7. Began making more eye contact and touching him more. And when I looked at him I made sure to think of sex when I did.
8. Created moments when we could have sex together. Finally after two months we had sex twice in two days...a freaking record for us.
9. Follow up: I decided to NEVER get upset if he turned me down for sex. It was a rule I created, to never take it personally.

10. I've started sexting him. He hasn't replied to them yet but I'm not upset about it. He will eventually. 11. Teased him about sex. The other day I casually mentioned I'd been bored one day and looked up a Youtube video on how to give great hand jobs and wanted to practice on him. He perked up immediately and wanted to know what else I'd been youtubing. 12. Next week I'm going to sext him that I'm buying sex toys and would he want anything.

This all sounds like I'm bowing down to him but it was purely selfish. I wanted a good banging by my DH and was prepared to try very hard for it. He just needed to relax and start to see me as a sexual person like he used to, not just a mother.

It worked for me, I feel like I did when I first met him.

Your baby is still so young, I don't think it's unusual for someone with a 3 month old to not be having sex. He might think you aren't ready, too tired and is trying to give you space!

I'd give it some time.

Thanks both for your replies.

The thing is, I have NOT let myself go. I made sure I didn't gain too much weight in pregnancy, and am pretty much back to normal now and was very quickly. I was lucky. And I groom myself carefully, although I could definitely do more on the clothing and make-up front. Breastfeeding is not conducive to great fashion in my case. In fact breastfeeding is not sexy for me!

I think there is definitely some responsibility from my side. Our relationship has changed so much. We used to do exactly the same (quite demanding) job, in the same office. However now I feel I have become his slave. I do all the housework as well as 95% of caring for our son. And though our work is hard, I know exactly what he does and how he spends his day, and being a SAHM to a three month old is way harder. I don't resent the fact that he is male and thus can't be on maternity leave or breastfeed, but there are so many other things that he could do both for our son and for the house and for us, but he doesn't. It feels like he doesn't care.

I think we need counselling, but don't know where to go? Aussiemum, thanks for your suggestions, but we had a big problem before I was pregnant….I don't want to be trapped in this for the rest of my life.

Sex lives can wax and wane but where it goes really wrong is when there is not only no sex but no affection. When there is not only no physical intimacy but no emotional intimacy. You sound resentful, unhappy, side-lined, rejected and you seem to be saying that your presence is being taken totally for granted. And that's got nothing to do with sex specifically

Relate is one of the usual recommendations for counselling. However, everyone involved has to accept there is a problem.

OP, it sounds like there is an emotional disconnect between the two of you. There is a lot going on in your lives, yes, but you arent talking about it. This is the big issue. One major issue you need to communicate about is your resentment about lack of contribution to family life from him. If you don't get him to wise up here this will set the tone for him as a Dad. Believe me, your resentment will then just grow and grow. That alone is enough to kill your marriage. Do you think the porn/ED issue is truly resolved??

I also think 3mo babies are incredibly hard work. You need to feel supported and cherished at this time. It's normal for you to need that, so there's absolutely nothing wrong with you for finding parenting hard. It's a damn sight harder when your OH isn't fully on board with family life. That's where the resentment and disconnect grows. I've been there and got that particular T shirt.

Op, with everything you guys have got going on with your lives I'm pretty impressed you've got any time for each other.

Chill.... this is a long term relationship, and don't base everything on the last three months of a difficult pregnancy and the first three months of having a baby around. You'll be super fine xxx

Thanks so much everyone for replying. I feel better reading the posts, as I have been beating myself and my marriage up so much over what we're going through at the moment, and actually some recognition that there is a lot going on, and not to panic just yet, has made me feel better.

I'm not sure the porn/ED issue is or will ever be resolved. I can't erase my husband's mind like a hard drive, and I know that I will never be as exciting as what he saw online. So that is something I have to live with, but I don't think it can be so insurmountable…especially as I just don't even want to have sex myself any more. The whole thing has become such a battle and stress I just hate it.

…I am finding having a 3mo baby really hard, and I am actually wondering whether I am suffering from some depression at the moment. I feel too hideous and plain sad. I burst into tears today three times, twice when my son literally managed to deluge me and my clothes in a potent mixture of poo and regurgitated milk. I hate this haggard, washed-up, wretch I have become.

Crikey what a monologue. I wish I could sleep for a month and come back to face the dregs of my life with some energy...

you are far more exciting than what he can see online, you're real and the woman he loves. without the previous issues I would say not having sex in the last trimester and the first 3months is pretty standard for a normal pregnancy and delivery and yours was difficult. but you know you are feeling low and you should speak to your gp about this. If you're below par then old insecurities might be creeping in when they're actually not the problem. hope you get some support and start to feel better soon

Wow Sensational thats a long list.......whats on his?

I'm amazed that you want sex with a man who is treating you with such indifference. particularly such a short time after giving birth. I wonder if what you really want is attention from him, rather than his penis in your vagina.
It does sound a bit as though he is happy to have you as a domestic servant but doesn't care all that much about how you are feeling. If you have tried to talk to him and either been ignored or he says 'Yes dear, I'll try harder' and then does nothing about the issue then it might be time to have a hard think about what you are actually getting out of the marriage.

Hi this has happened to us too. The day after we found out I was pregnant two y e ars ago my husband hasn't had sex with me since. I don't want to leave I love him so much. I feel rejected too no advice just so you know it happens to other people too.

Ive been debating writing a post like this for weeks!

I seriously think my DH doesnt think of me in a sexual way anymore. The only time we have sex is when I initiate it. General affection is little more than a peck on the cheek. Don't get me wrong I love him dearly and pretty sure he feels the same, its just the physical side of things.
We have never been at it like rabbits and I guess things dwindled when the girls were born but its never recovered and the girls are now 4 and 6!

It never really bothered me much when the girls were young as I was generally too tired myself anyway. Now they are older I feel abit rejected I guess. I have put on a few stone and struggle to diet but do try to make an effort. When I do try and dress up/more make up etc DH doesnt seem to notice. I think ive just become Mum. :(

as a man in a sexless marriage I can add littel to this but a personal view of the issues it brings up.
As a couple we have 2, 13 and 15, and my DW is a sahm. We decided on that and have been a sucessful couple and have great kids. But, the menopause started about 3 years ago and a regular once a month or so sex life has dwindled to nothing in the last 2 years now.
The reason, and it would be confirmed, is that she just doesnt want sex. Finds it uncomfortable and it does not give her the "buzz". She told me that she just isnt in the mood and as a loving spouse I respected that for the initial period. The flushes and the weight geain made her dislike her body, (I cant know how she feels but it is not what I see or feel.) She gets tired and doesnt like evening sex therefore its daytime, but as the kids are older its not at weekends or school hols, so that is limiting and Im at work blah blah.
So after about 6 months I started just trying nicely. I dont have the time to explain but I was not full on but was appropriate. (No shouts of just a man wanting his end away.) It wasnt working and after about another 5 or 6 months I too stopped caring.
However it is now a huge problem for me as recently we have had conversations where I have been told that she doesnt like me even looking at her, has told me and her sister that she has given up on sex as its over for her and I will just have to get on with it, (With what? I asked, wanking was the answer). Told me that she hates the fact that I find her attractive.
Well this week we tried for the first time, again a back story as to why but life has been good for a while so time was on our side and we were alone, and you guessed it I failed to maintain as the pressure to perform was huge. Not only do I feel like a BF and so small that I could and have cried like a dumped teenager, but it has not helped me feel any thing like love and affection but huge resentment and anger as the whole situation is making me feel unwanted. I am certain that I am loved and I am certain that I love her but I am now at a stage where I need, I hate to say, sex as well as affection as its a constant nag.
What is failed to be understood is that a release of tension is nothing other than that, it is not affection and closeness and shared experience, which is 90% of sex in a marriage. Having an active sex life just means that you can faile to maintain and still have a great time and it secures a marriage. I have to be clear in my mind that this is temporary and that if we tried once this year then we can try again and it will get better. She is intelligent and is fully aware of how its is between us. I should be have been more upfront about how it was affecting me and should be more explicit now, so it is a 50/50 problem. And thats the thing, it is a problem. Its not an "issue" or an "inconvience" or "just that sort of thing that happens". Its a problem and one that could lead me to we all know what. I hate the fact and wish it would go another way, but the absence of us being able to chat as a couple because of us both making mistakes is where we are now and the longer it goes the worse it gets.
Some one on one of these strings said "its just sex, what is so important?" just doesnt get it. And as a man I can say after reading this string and others to try and find solutions that it is different for men and yes its is a bloody nusience and yes sometimes it is stupid. But its real for all that.
I have written to my DW to try and put it in writing. (You will be glad to hear it was about version 5 of the letter.) This way I dont stumble or trip over the words and the sentiment that will come from any discussion, as Im sure you can guess. So I am committed to the love of my life, but ....but, its so sodding hard.

Wow cheeseyfeet, that was a brave post. Thanks for sharing. I wish i could give you a hug. Your wife is lucky to have you.

Sensational if you have had your Implanon removed what are you using instead You seem to be doing all the work in your relationship so i shouldnt imagine he is prepared to use condoms.

HelenaDove we use condoms, there was no issue in using them.

As for the work share in our relationship, I was doing very little and was pretty selfish actually. My DH is a really nice man and has treated me better than I have treated him, although I am far nicer to him than any of my previous partners. But when he stopped having sex with me I was gutted, we had definitely hit a rocky patch and I didn't know what to do.

The one thing I do know is that you can't change your partner, you can only change yourself. So I decided to see if I could bring intimacy back. Sometimes where one goes, the other follows.

The OP does not feel connected to her DH, she doesn't feel sexy (though with a 3 month old it's hardly surprising) and these are things she can try to change. She asked if anyone had been through the same thing and I replied yes, and this is what I did. No sex, feeling unloved, feeling like the house maid, thinking about an affair, feeling unsexy. That was me last year. Perhaps my situation is unique in that all it needed was me taking the steps to boost my self esteem and my husband responded. But I put it out there in the off chance it would work for her.