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Relationships

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Original poster

if you dont 'fancy' someone can you change your mind?

32 replies

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 18:54

This question was put to me recently by a younger (25yr old) female friend. She was distraught as she had apparently drunkenly confessed her feelings to her 'crush' (nothing too major, just said she liked him I think) and told me he had said he wasn't interested and didn't fancy her (those were his exact words, according to her).

She asked if I thought there was a chance he might change his mind in future, apparently he said the banter/flirting thing they have going on wont change and she said that she isn't going to pester or try and be overly obvious, but continue the flirty banter and he might eventually see another 'fanciable' side to her.

I'm not convinced that could ever happen and told her as much,but when I relayed this to another friend of ours, this mutual friend said she disagreed with me. The mutual friend is of the opinion that maybe our friend hadn't been on this guys radar, until she said she fancied him and then his instant reaction was "I don't fancy you". She reckons that as they get closer, it could change and he might start to like her in 'that' way.

What do you all think?

OP posts:

SorryButNotSorry · 14/02/2015 18:59

I'll probably get told I'm wrong here, but I have read, and I kind of thought this myself anyway...that it is likely for a woman to grow into fancying a partner but for a man it's very much fancy at first sight.

My longest relationship was with a bloke who was so funny and lovely that after a while I started to fancy him. He fancied me from the begining. Which is probably why he was so funny and lovely.

Apparently the science but amounts to blokes being programmed to find someone to procreate with and women being programmed to look for someone who can be a good father.

Probably all bollocks but it would mean that no, he probably won't change his mind. Possible if roles were reversed

LynetteScavo · 14/02/2015 19:01

I would say no...I can only speak for myself, but I either fancy someone or don't.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 14/02/2015 19:02

If a bloke told someone he fancied them and got a negative response, it would be creepy and stalkerish to say they might change their mind. What's the difference here?

You either fancy someone or you don't. You can grow to fancy them but it's not likely while they standing over you saying they will, they will, they will...

Original poster

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 19:02

Well that was my thinking too. I did actually ask a male friend too just now (who is older, mid forties) and he disagrees with me too, he said that its possible (although unlikely) that as they grow up a bit more he might end up fancying her, if the same level of flirty banter and the level of comfort they have around each other, continues...

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Original poster

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 19:07

Haha, no I don't think she's planning on being pushy or obvious with it, she's not usually even one to get drunk and blurt stuff out, so this was very out of character. I think she's just wanting to continue the banter (to be honest, I thought he liked her although I didn't say anything to either of them, because he does act differently around her, stands closer to her than others and leans in when he talks to her, always looking at her when he's making a joke as though looking for her approval, makes a lot of double entendre type jokes and risqué comments when they are together and she says hes like that even more when they are alone.) and see if that sparks any interest.

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RessyMedHair · 14/02/2015 19:08

I think women change their minds, but not men. For women attraction is based at least half on personality so yes, women can grow to fancy somebody they didn't fancy to begin with.

I had a relationship with a man who when I first saw him I thought, wow, he's a bit strange looking, but I ended up being MAD about him. (until he started acting weird, telling me what I thought).

Sadly I don't think women's personalities make a man feel sexually attracted to her. There's no growing in to the attraction

Original poster

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 19:11

Ah, see that's where this male friend disagrees! I said the same as you RessyMedHair, that his not fancying her is purely based on the physical attraction.

But my male friend told me off and said that's not necessarily true, it could be that him not fancying her might be circumstantial or he couldve said it because he was drunk.

I have to say, I don't agree but found his point interesting.

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RessyMedHair · 14/02/2015 19:11

Why does he do the flirty banter with somebody he's not attracted to!?

I have a bit of banter going with a few people, fuelled by a bit of spark of chemistry even if I'm never going to do more than banter.

RessyMedHair · 14/02/2015 19:16

I'm no looker but tbh I can usually tell if somebody sees me like that or not. I wasted years (seriously, nearly 3) hoping a male friend would change his mind about me in our twenties.

It's not like he was so so handsome or anything. He was attractive to me and we got on so well. It began to really frustrate me because it was like a relationship without the sex!! I didn't give him an ultimatum per se, but but I did say to him that I found it hard, knowing that I'd be with him and he was the one who didn't want it. It was awkward but I said it. I said I wanted to be spending this much time with a BOYfriend not a platonic male friend. he said 'oh right so' with a sad shrug. We started hanging out less and before I knew it he had a girlfriend.

Original poster

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 19:22

I don't know! A few people have commented that they think he likes her. I think she mentioned that the night she confessed she liked him, someone else had also told him that she liked him or something...?

From seeing him around (I work with him, my friend doesn't), he is a bit strange, very larger than life in groups always telling jokes and laughing loudly. In small groups or just around one person he is quieter but makes flirtyish comments to men and women, is exactly the same with everyone. BUT with this friend of mine, he definitely does the things I mentioned in my other post - just always seems to stand a bit closer to her, have more of a glint on his eye etc... Its strange.

Not that I've studied them obviously ;) but I really did think there was chemistry between them.

Oh - she did tell me that she felt he flirted with her and his reply was that it wasn't intentional, it was friendly banter but he's going to carry on that way because...well not sure why? Something like "it doesn't matter because I'm not flirting".

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Original poster

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 19:26

Yes I've been through a similar thing, RessyMedHair.

I'm usually able to tell when someone likes me, and so is my friend. She was convinced he was flirting/there was some chemistry and for me, plus a couple of other workmates to notice a spark of 'something' between them, I find it weird that he denied it when she admitted she liked him. Unless it was because this other person had also told him she liked him before she got to him, and he felt cornered or something?

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Original poster

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 19:32

I'm rethinking my advice now - I told her that continuing to be friendly and also have that banter that is slightly flirty bordering on a slight sexual sizzle... Not sure how to describe it, maybe for example like the odd slightly prolonged eye contact, a second or two longer than usual then carrying on with whatever they're doing as normal, I think that's how they usually are and how she was planning on continuing and I said it wasn't a good idea, but now maybe I'm thinking she should do that? Because now he knows she likes him, and as long as he is okay with continuing the flirty banter (which he says he is), it might work to her advantage now? As long as she isn't overly obvious with it - no touching or following round like a lost puppy obviously! Haha

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MadeMan · 14/02/2015 19:32

It's could be possible because now that he knows how she feels, he might start to think about the idea and maybe it will click with him at some point.

I think it's more likely that if he fancies her in the future, she will have moved on and got over her crush. So it will end up being the other way around with him liking her and regretting his 'missed chance'.

Anyway, I personally wouldn't be able to be around someone that wasn't interested in me and knew that I liked them; I'd need space to get over them and forget. No point in living in hope that they change their minds; their loss, so move on.

Original poster

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 19:36

I'm exactly the same, maybe that's a bloke thing though? Thinking that the girl can just think "never mind" and switch back to not fancying him immediately?

She will do whatever she wants regardless of my advice tbh, and I think she will try and continue the banter but it worries me she will end up hoping a bit too much. She says she wont.

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MadeMan · 14/02/2015 19:38

"sexual sizzle"

I like the sound of that.

Original poster

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 19:41

Haha, I was expecting someone to flame me for using such a silly phrase!

But do you know what I mean?

Being subtly flirty and sexy enough that he feels 'something', or thinks he does but isn't 100% sure as it could be completely innocent. Still wording it badly but hey ho.

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MadeMan · 14/02/2015 19:42

"I think she will try and continue the banter but it worries me she will end up hoping a bit too much. She says she wont."

Hanging around and flirting with him is just going to massage his ego though, surely. She might be better basically ignoring going cold on him and focusing on getting over the crush.

Original poster

lianamay86 · 14/02/2015 19:44

Yes that's true. They have a lot of mutual friends and hang around together as a group a lot anyway. But I see your point.

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Rinkydinkypink · 14/02/2015 19:48

I have started to fancy people after not finding them attractive.

Dh says it's either there or not.

Minorchristmascrisis · 14/02/2015 19:50

It did happen with friends if ours - she fancied him for ages, he admitted to me that he didn't fancy her but the more spent time around each other (dh and I were their mutual friends) the more his feelings changed. They've been married quite a few years now and it's very obvious how much he fancies her.

MadeMan · 14/02/2015 19:56

"They have a lot of mutual friends and hang around together as a group a lot anyway."

One of the oldest tricks would be for her to start blatantly flirting with another guy in the group to try to get the crush guy jealous; that path leads to games playing territory though and possible reputation forming, so use wisely.

Trills · 14/02/2015 19:57

The important thing is not to close off other avenues because she is "waiting for him to change his mind".

IncredulityRules · 14/02/2015 20:07

Hmmm my DH didn't fancy me at first, his exact words when I asked him out first were 'I don't think of you in that way'. We were good mates for a few years, then things changed and he's now my dh of many years and fancies me like mad

RessyMedHair · 15/02/2015 17:45

but is it a sexual sizzle if he's told her he doesn't fancy her!?

If i had that flirty banter with somebody and then they told me that they didn't find me attractive, I would instantly wind it right back. I'd be pleasant and friendly still I'm sure but no more.

RessyMedHair · 15/02/2015 17:46

rinkydink yeh, because sadly and depressingly men don't go for personality. Or rather, personality forms NO part of the sexual attraction. that is really depressing. For women if they get to know a man and like him, it will grow. It's just all about looks for men. I know women like a handsome man but they are capable of being attracted to a man partly due to his personality.

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