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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Living with parent? hard work? Wearing our clothes!!

48 replies

bigbluestars · 14/02/2015 16:50

Help!! We have been living with my Mum for 8 months, so still setting things out.
Mum uses OHs slippers for going into the garden. He isnot happy. I see her wearing my clothes too- T shirts and cardigans. She doesn't see the deal. I have spoken about it but she isn't up for a grown up conversation.

Any help?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 16:51

Sharing living space is always fraught. Maybe don't leave your stuff lying around?

Rebecca2014 · 14/02/2015 16:55

Does she actually go into your room and take your stuff? or if she seeing these items laying around the house?

Original poster

bigbluestars · 15/02/2015 08:03

My stuff is drying/waiting to be put away. My OH leaves his slippers in the porch and came home to find her wearing them.It is very hard to speak directly to my Mum as she gets upset very easily, and hints just wash over her.

OP posts:

GaryBaldy · 15/02/2015 08:04

Could she be doing it on purpose to push you into getting your own place?

Original poster

bigbluestars · 15/02/2015 08:09

gary- I own my own home. She lives with me.

OP posts:

Theas18 · 15/02/2015 08:11

If you need to be there is this worth getting hassled about? Don't sweat the small stuff.

For who's benefit are you living there? If it's mums the yanbu but if it's for you.....

If it really gets to you qkeep your stuff away- in your room and dh picks his slippers up and sticks them in the car as he goes out.

I'm at mums. I wear what I like. She used to snaffle my stuff at mine. Mainly " I was cold and that Hackett was on the sofa...... Those slippers were by the door and mine were upstairs"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2015 08:15

This is not going to get any better and was really a disaster from the start. Is she still resistant to moving into any type of sheltered accommodation?.

Why is she not seeing the deal about wearing your clothes?. Getting upset very easily could well be a mechanism used against you so you feel guilty for asking her in the first place.

mayfridaycomequickly · 15/02/2015 08:17

Your house, your rules to a certain extent! If she has slippers and cardies of her own she is being very unreasonable. If she hasn't - put them on the mothers day / birthday lists!

Original poster

bigbluestars · 15/02/2015 08:19

THeas- I know it seems trivial, but it's all the little things that seem to add up. My mother doesn't cook or even wash her own clothes, she spends most of her time meeting friends or lying on her bed reading.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 15/02/2015 08:19

Did she move in with you due to concerns about her health?

Original poster

bigbluestars · 15/02/2015 08:22

jean- not specifically- she is elderly so a list of minor complaints- is that important?

OP posts:

Theas18 · 15/02/2015 08:22

Bigblue. I was posting when you posted that this is your house.

I know she gets upset but I guess you need a house rules chat don't you. Is this a forever arrangement.? If sh you need to be settled not having her impost lots of minor irritations on you

Original poster

bigbluestars · 15/02/2015 08:31

theas- that is what I am finding so hard. My mother hates direct talking, and is very forgetful, yesterday I asked her not to wear my OHs slippers ( I have bought her a pair) but she finds it very funny- she doesn't think it is an issue at all.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 15/02/2015 08:37

What was the reason for her moving in? It doesn't sound like it's working hence why I asked about her health eg worries about her safety when living alone.

Original poster

bigbluestars · 15/02/2015 08:39

My mum has a learning difficulty and is in many ways like a child. She is very afraid of shelterd housing and wants to be cared for. The only other family we have is my sister, but she moved abroad 30 years ago and only visits every 10 years or so.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 15/02/2015 08:47

Sounds like a very difficult situation for everyone.

Could you get support from external agencies and support groups?

rumbleinthrjungle · 15/02/2015 09:14

If she's finding it funny and discussion won't help It's probably going to be a case of having to manage where you leave things so she can't do it. Rather like keeping stuff out of reach of a toddler.

MatildaTheCat · 15/02/2015 09:53

I wonder if she wears your things to feel a 'part of' your family even subconsciously. If she has a learning disability I presume you are used to her having a different way of seeing things sometimes? It sounds as if you feel she isn't pulling her weight around the house. Why are you doing her laundry for example? And it also sounds as if the only separate space she has is her room which could be why you see her lying on her bed. I think multigenerational living is very tricky, needs plenty of space for everyone to have some independence. If this isn't possible then there are three options:

speak to her and draw up house rules you all adhere to.
don't speak to her and get more resentful or else let these things go.
make other arrangements. Was this intended to be a long term arrangement?

For me it would be 3, I think. I'm pretty intolerant.

Kundry · 15/02/2015 10:08

I don't think her living with you is going to work out. Make other plans.

Original poster

bigbluestars · 15/02/2015 10:58

rumble- good advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

bigbluestars · 15/02/2015 11:01

matilda- she can't use the washing machine- she says it is too complicated. We also have a gas cooker- she has always used electric and is afraid of gas, so I do all the cooking.

She is lonely, fearful and vulnerable. She does not want to live alone or in sheltered housing.
It is difficult to see any alternative.

OP posts:

Meerka · 15/02/2015 11:11

Would it help if you and your husband sat down with her and told her the house rules, including no taking other peoples' clothes?

If you stay serious maybe she will listen. Maybe if you say that you are happy to have her living with you, but that it needs to work for everyone and that includes her listening to the house rules that everyone else works by. If the house rules are not being kept by everyone, then it's not working and you may hve to look at different situations like sheltered accommodation.

I'm afraid you will just have to take it that she is upset. As someone said, see it as a toddler's reaction and that it will pass.

It's either that, or have a very unhappy husband and be annoyed yourself for a long time. I think you have to try to enforce some groundrules.

Kundry · 15/02/2015 11:16

I think you are going to have to treat her as a child and not a parent.

She doesn't want to live in other accommodation - well then she needs to abide by the house rules. These cannot be got out of by giggling, forgetting or throwing a tantrum. It will be v v painful for you to enforce them but at the moment she doesn't think you are serious.

DarkNavyBlue · 15/02/2015 11:18

You say 'she doesn't want to live in sheltered housing' like that's the end of the matter then.

You don't want her living with you - why should her wants trump yours (and your DH's).

I know 2 elderly relatives who didn't want to move to sheltered accommodation, then once the right place was found they loved it.

Mrsteddyruxpin · 15/02/2015 11:18

Firstly, I think you and your dh sound like lovely people in difficult circumstances

I would gently talk to her that it won't really work out unless you can all live together and if she oversteps if might be best to live elsewhere. But reassure her if things are going well at your home, you are happy to have her.

What way does her disability present. Do you have a support worker.

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