Living with parent? hard work? Wearing our clothes!!

[bigbluestars]

Help!! We have been living with my Mum for 8 months, so still setting things out.
Mum uses OHs slippers for going into the garden. He isnot happy. I see her wearing my clothes too- T shirts and cardigans. She doesn't see the deal. I have spoken about it but she isn't up for a grown up conversation.

Any help?

I don't have any advice, but you are doing such a kind thing for your mum. I wish I had your patience.

I agree - why should her desires overrule your own?

She would probably enjoy sheltered accommodation - lots of company there and if she goes to the right place there will be a lot of things that are organised.

The longer she stays with you the harder it will be for her to leave.

What happened eight months ago that she had to move in with you?

I don't think the fact that she doesn't want to live in sheltered housing should mean she doesn't. It sounds like it would be better for her tbh. You aren't responsible for her, she would be safe in sheltered housing with support. I have lived with a difficult mother and it was a nightmare. We don't live with her any more. It will end your marriage if you are not very careful.
You are not responsible for her. There are other solutions, you just don't want to hear them or consider them yet because they make you feel guilty or like a "bad daughter", but that doesn't mean you shouldn't consider them. It wouldn't make you a bad daughter.

imperial- this has been a gradual build up- no event happened. She is in her 80s has been finding living alone more difficult over the past few years,

goodtobetter- I do feel responsible- that is maybe the problem. My sister emigrated when I was 11 years old, my mother had a nervous breakdown as a result and my father died when i was 15. I had to deal with the funeral, my mother's depression and my own grief. It was then I realised how vulnerable my mother is,
She is quite a passive/aggressive type too, but I would find it very hard to ask her to move out.

As you Say it is too difficult to ask your Mother to leave then I think the only alternative is to think about separating you and your Mother's living spaces physically. Would it be possible to put a door between your Mother and your stuff?

Most house can be split. Her side could be smaller as she isn't going to cook. If she just can't respect your things and you can't bring yourself to move her then I think this is the only solution. It will mean that you are together but apart.

I can't see what else you can do. The whole situation will drive you mad and in the end you will get very desperate.

Can you section off a portion of your house - turn it into a granny annex?

Has your DM any assets, can you pool them to buy a bigger house?

Could your DS help financially if you needed help with DM.? Cleaner, someone to watch her if you go out etc...

Just thinking long term here - as you and DH are the sole care givers.

We do have a large house but I can't see any way to sectioning it off. My mother also craves company, so if she is not napping in her room she follows us around chatting.

Big blue, I hope you don't mind my intervening. A lot of the things you're saying are ringing alarm bells following what happened recently with me and my own mother.

Specifically - you say she is forgetful, using things like the washing machine is complicated, she is difficult to talk to (I read this as takes criticism personally), she won't change her habits, she has learning difficulties, she wants to be cared for.

Have you assessed whether your mother has some kind of memory impairment or dementia?

My mother does, and we only realised the full extent of it when she came to live with us during a particularly difficult period for the wider family last year, for three months. I expected her to be "living with us" as you say, but now with hindsight and also realisation at the time I know she actually needed caring for. She was not an equal or a companion in the house, we actually needed to devote increasingly more and more of our day to her welfare and comfort.

The reason this is important is for the future. It sounds like you are embarking upon a carer role for your mother, it's completely different to that of a supportive daughter and has much wider implications for your family. It's also far harder to change later and also without any other support (like siblings or close family) who can help YOU.

I would personally start to look at things differently.

1. Do you think she could be unwell?

2. Do you and your family genuinely see her needs as remaining better (once "settled") or constant for a long period, or do you think you will find yourself gradually turning into her carer?

3. What is your contingency plan for the future if it becomes too much on top of supporting your own family? Will you be able to take holidays, go away for weekends, leave her in the house on her own?

If there is an underlying medical condition it's a good time now to address it and talk openly about the future together. These things can take time but they are essential to the wellbeing of all of you and you will find support.

I would in the meantime suggest talking to her GP if you are noticing patterns of behaviour, and looking into day care centres that she could attend where there are lots of group activities, and it gives you a break at home for a while.

Good luck

Just a note: if she does keep living with you you will have to keep communicating with your husband very well, a conscious effort. This sort of situation can be a real strain in a marriage if it's long term.

Thanks.

My mother could learn to use ther washing machine, but prefers not to.
Her mental faculties have not deteriorated in the past 20 years.
I spoke to her about wearing our clothes and caught her packing " going to live in the bus station". Very passive/agressive.

If you do not think your mother is actually ill, in terms of being medically treatable really what you have to deal with is managing her behaviour.

Regarding the clothes and slippers, get a lock on your bedroom door and keep the things you don't want her to help herself to in there.

Regarding her washing, if you want her to do it, get her to bring her washing to the machine. Pass her the powder/liquid. Tell her where to put it. Tell her what to turn the dial to /which button to press. Do this each time till she starts pre-empting you.

Have you a microwave / electric oven? Start giving her stuff to put in there. Get a new cook book and say you want to go through it together with her.

Regarding her having friends, are there any clubs, with people her age group, that you could socialise together at? Book club activities at the library? History clubs?

Thanks capsium. X

Good idea about her activities- it had crossed my mind to encourage her to joind a club or find a community education class. It would give her an interest and meet new friends.

Sorry just re read thread, realise she does meet friends.

She is acting like a teen isn't she? Taking no responsibility? Treats your place like a hotel?

Maybe you could get her doing more stuff by having her friends round. Organising dinner parties? Could you get her to help with that? She'd have to help tidy, plan the menu, cook etc.

X post.

Pleased to be able to help.

What a tough situation. If her situation means she is childlike then perhaps adopt those approaches. So clear "house rules" written down on a board including not using other people's things, washing own clothes, taking responsibility for own food, respecting each other's space. I'd make sure there is stuff that catches you, not just her.

Then if she wants to threaten to go live in the bus shelter, fine, let her go. Like a child she will be back. Don't back down as she will have you exactly where she wants you.

Also I'd have limited truck with not wanting to use the washing machine. I'd prefer not to use it too. Presumably she managed to get things clean before she came to live with you. Do very clear instructions laminated for her. So eg one tab in washing machine, add clothes, turn dial to "mixed wash", press start. What is so hard about that? Similarly things like microwave meals hardly require genius IQs.

You really need to be quite tough here for her own good otherwise a few months or years down the line you'll probably find yourself with your life taken over and with a failing marriage.

Ok if you're sure OP, in early stages of memory impairment lot of the inability to do things is presented as not wanting to. The sufferer is often highly aware but tries to cover things up by wanting to appear normal.

Symptoms differ between people and can be very difficult to spot early on. A bit of reading (alzheimers society website can be good start) may help.

It also gives a lot of advice on how to talk to people and treat them, unfortunately it's contrary to some of the feedback you've received on this thread which is why I wanted to suggest it as an avenue. Being overtly direct can do more harm than good.

I'll step back now but please message me if you want to know anymore and all the best.

Did she bring you up? So, she has enough IQ to manage if so? I don't like the sound of this "not wanting to" and the passive aggressive behaviour. It all sounds suspiciously like a very difficult personality that you have become a bit co-dependant with. I might be way off the mark, if so feel free to ignore me. But please have a think about her behaviour and your responses to it and read up about FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt. It's important to try to detach your feelings of obligation and guilt and over developed sense of responsibility for her and try to see it objectively.
From the outside, it looks very much like she would be better in supported living and that you are enmeshed in quite a co-dependent relationship with her, hence refusing to countenance the idea of her not living with you. I've been there, believe me, it's a terrifying prospect but it doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do, it's the FOG talking.
Feel free to PM me and I hope I haven't overstepped the mark, but your posts ring massive bells for me.
xxx

Is your husband really onboard with this plan? Only if someone imposed this situation on me I would be out the door in a relatively short period of time. If I were you I would start looking for alternative accommodation for her unless you want to replace your husband by your mother. It seems to me her wants (not needs) are being allowed to trump everyone else's.
Do you have kids? Ages?
Could you/she afford sheltered accommodation? Have you been to see any? A lot of people have completely out of date ideas about what it can be like.

"It seems to me her wants (not needs) are being allowed to trump everyone else's."
This is what gives me the chills because it's what was going on with me. And it was all part of the enmeshment, and the FOG. You don't want to hear any of this now, I know I didn't. But there will come a time where it all unravels. Better to start unravelling it now carefully.

You have been parenting your mother since you were 15, which is why you find it so difficult and unthinkable to ask her to move out.

You are afraid of asking her to move out, and she is being passive aggressive in order to keep you in that position of fear. And also trampling over your boundaries (clothes, refusal to learn to use washing machine,...) in order to assert that her needs dominate yours.

You can keep living like this. Or you can tell her that the arrangement is over and point her towards sheltered accommodation. It really sounds like that would be the best place for her, and for you.

*I mean it would be best for you if she moved to sheltered accommodation - not that it would also be a good place for you to move to!

poor sentence construction.

Do you have 'Extra Care' housing in your area. It's like sheltered housing in that every resident has their own flat (rented or bought) but a cooked lunch is provided in the dining room every day and tea can be provided too. There are lots of common areas where residents can sit and chat and activities are regularly arranged such as coffee mornings, bingo, talks etc. There are carers onsite 24/7 too and they can do as much or as little as is needed so washing, personal care etc can all be sorted. Residents can be literally any age from about 60 upto 100+, it's called assisted living and all about keeping people independent but giving them a bit if help where needed. The one in our area is wonderful, I have a relative there and don't know what we'd do without them.