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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What a fool I am.

49 replies

Tootyfilou · 14/02/2015 16:11

Sorry if this is long.., how I wish I had been on mumsnet when this had all begun. Eight years ago H had an affair with a much younger colleague. I found out in the good old fashioned way by reading his txts. This was a man who went from barely using his phone to having it constantly about him. I was devastated, could not believe it would happen to me, thought we were the perfect family blah, blah, blah. He said it was just an emotional affair, which as he is such an emotional cripple hurt me more than if he had admitted to a quick shag. I believe they had sex but it seemed less important than the fact that he obviously had feelings for her.
He blamed me ( and I blamed myself ) I also thought he could have been having a bit of a mid life crisis. His brother had died suddenly and his mother was I'll with dementia. To a certain extent I felt sorry for him, but also hated what he had done to me and to our children who at the time were 14 and 9.
His parents went through a terrible divorce and I never imagined he would put our marriage in jeopardy. I could not bring myself to divorce him. My prime reason was the children, I had an idilic childhood and my parents marriage is still strong and happy. I did not want to put my children through a divorce. DD was just beginning her GCSEs an DS idolised his father.
So we stayed together and things have been good as a family. My children appear to be fine, they appear happy have friends and are doing well in school a d university. As a couple it is not so great.... I have major trust issues and feel as though the whole thing has made me into a bitter person inside. Our sex life is non existent and has been for a few years. H cites low libido... Last summer I saw that he had been watching teenage porn several times a day/ evening. When I confronted him he initially denied it.
Anyway last night H was working and I accidentally pressed the Map app on the iPad. It showed an area that I know the woman lives. When I found her address through LinkedIn, it was the very road she lives.
I also checked the same app on his phone this morning and the same address appeared. I am so shocked and feel an utter fool
Has he been infatuated with this woman for the last eight years? She no longer works for the company. I feel sick. Please be kind x

OP posts:

antimatter · 14/02/2015 16:17

I am sorry that you had to find out about your "D"H dishonesty this way.

You are saying you feel you can't trust him.
What would you like to happen?

Looks like your younger child is doing her/his sixth form. I know how stressful that may be and no one wants to add more to it.
It is a mess

LadyLuck10 · 14/02/2015 16:18

You poor thing, you are NOT a fool. If he has continued the affair then he is soley to blame. And there was no reason to have it in the first place. I think you should confront him.

Onsera3 · 14/02/2015 16:30

I imagine you do feel sick with all that anxiety. I remember that feeling from being with a liar/cheater.

If you think you can manage it and put on a brave face, I would suggest you quietly start getting your ducks in a row. In order to LTB.

Do a bit of surveillance. Does he have an app like 'find my iPhone' where you can see his location. Hunt around and look for clues as to how far this goes. He won't admit to anything unless you have some evidence.

I just don't see how this man can truly respect you if he acts like this. This might have more of an impact on your children than you realise. How would you feel if DD let a man treat her the same way?

Separating would be so difficult. But one day when it's all over and you settled into a new life you would hopefully get to enjoy the mental peace that comes with not being with a liar.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 16:33

The risk of taking back a cheat is always that they treat it as a cue to be more careful in future. Sorry but it does sound as though they never ended the relationship. Hope you have some good friends.

BuzzardBird · 14/02/2015 16:43

What are you going to do OP? You are not the fool, he is.

Handywoman · 14/02/2015 16:47

OP what a terrible betrayal. Do you have a good friend IRL you could contact?

What are you going to do? Can you look for further evidence? Bank statements? Any 'business trips' away?

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 16:51

teen porn ?

an affair that you haven't got over

he is at the very least still stalking the ow

your children will not thank for compromising your own life to stay with such an inadequate man

Optimist1 · 14/02/2015 17:19

Like AF I think that he's stalking the OW. Think about it; if he'd been carrying on the affair for the past 8 years he wouldn't need to look at her home on a map app, would he? I'm guessing he's been musing about where she is now and what she's doing. In combination with the teen porn (euch!) he'd have burned his boats if he were my DH.

Original poster

Tootyfilou · 14/02/2015 17:37

Thanks to all that have posted. What I want is for the last 8 years to have been a horrible dream and to be married to the man I thought he was.
Unfortunately that is not going to happen. I was truely revolted by the teen porn. When I see it all written down he sounds such a bastard... And he is for doing this.
There is no way I am making any huge changes in the family dynamics at the moment. DS is in the middle of his AS levels and DD has a very important post graduate exam in the next few months.
Unfortunately one of the casualties of his affair was losing 2of my best friends. One friend did not seem able to come to terms with his affair ( and maybe me staying with him) and the other, my childhood best friend, simply did not step up when I needed her most. That has been almost as painful as my husbands betrayal. I dream of her at least once a month!

I could not bear for my parents to be hurt either. They were devastated last time as they think the world of H. They were wonderfully supportive to me, and later H. My mum has just popped up with a bottle of champagne for us to celebrate valentines day.
Should I confront him?

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 14/02/2015 17:37

He sounds like a piece of filth. I wouldn't be able to wait to get rid of him. Imagine one of your kids happened across his liking of young girls similar to their age?

Vivacia · 14/02/2015 17:43

I wouldn't confront him. I'd decide what I would do when conditions allowed it (regarding your children). Then I'd plan. And I would prepare. Then I'd confront him.

Saying that, you will always be able to find a reason or excuse not to act.

clam · 14/02/2015 17:46

Should you confront him? How can you act as though nothing's changed, though? Yet, on the other hand, by bringing it up, you risk throwing everything into the air if he admits all and says he's leaving. Then your dcs suffer more, at crucial times in their education. (I acknowledge there's never a good time).

Original poster

Tootyfilou · 14/02/2015 17:46

I am not so naive to believe that my children have been unaffected. I am sure that they have in some ways. However The decision I made to stay was what I thought was best for them at the time. It is so difficult. I love them more than I can say and only want what is best for them. Maybe it was the wrong decision .
Have a sister but do not want to tell her... More burdening people with my unhappiness, no one can do anything. Honestly if it were not for my children I would kill myself. I cannot stand this all going around in my head.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 17:51

Oh dear. And still you keep the status quo.

Will you ever think enough is enough ? What would it take ?

There will be another reason not to give your despicable husband his just desserts. A family wedding, not wanting to spoil Xmas, another exam, another milestone yadda yadda

and your life slips away....

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 17:53

The only way to feel better about all this is to take control and decide no more

I would feel like killing myself too if I voluntarily trapped myself in a relationship like this. Start making steps to get out of it, and I guarantee the lift to your self respect will be priceless.

Original poster

Tootyfilou · 14/02/2015 17:56

Vivacia why do you think I will make an excuse not to act? I think I described what were ( to me at least ) valid and reasonable reasons why I did not leave last time. I am feeling pretty fragile at the moment and it is really difficult to post these horrible things about your life. I realise everyone may not agree with the decisions I took at the time but it's my life and I did the best I could. I have no one to talk too and it's driving me a bit mad. Really appreciate support.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 14/02/2015 17:56

Have you tried imagining what your day would be like if you weren't living with this misery?

I can't think why separating would be harder than what you're living at the moment.

MrsTawdry · 14/02/2015 17:56

If you are determined to ride this out till the children's exams are over, you will need to be carefully using the time to your advantage. Gather evidence, work out finances...perhaps see a solicitor. Then you can have all in place when it's time to get rid of this horrible man.

Without the teen porn I might have been a bit more understanding of his indiscretion...though it looks bad....but teen porn? That's not normal or natural in a middle aged man. It's disgusting.

tippytap · 14/02/2015 17:56

So, you'll do nothing now. Because it's not the right time. It wasn't the right time 8 years ago, either.

This year it's AS Levels. Next year, A levels, what will it be after that? A degree? Driving test? Re sits?

Next thing you know another 8 years will have passed. Which you will have wasted and will be eaten up inside, regardless of the face you present to your children/family/friends.

Do you want to live like this? If you can justify it to yourself as Doing It For The Kids, then fine, but stop moaning. Get in with it.

If you can't live like this, then do down thing now. While you hurt. While you feel bad. Leave it and you'll. Convince yourself it's 'not that bad' and 'not worth breaking the family up over'

Be clear though. Your kid know.

tippytap · 14/02/2015 17:57

Ha x post with a lot. Sorry.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 17:58

Tooty, there will always be another "reason" to keep the status quo. You had valid reasons last time, and you have valid reasons again. It is hard to rock the boat. But I wouldn't fancy the alternative. Do you ?

d0ttyne11 · 14/02/2015 17:59

Take stock of this and plan. Your priorities here are clear - your children and the milestones you mention in their education. Start thinking of the plan B. Take time to deal with yourself and the emotions of the here and now then get resourceful and plan ahead. If it's difficult, think about what you'd advise to someone else who just shared the above with you You've coped with this before when you found out about this ghastly situation. You'll manage and it will pass.

Vivacia · 14/02/2015 17:59

Vivacia why do you think I will make an excuse not to act?

With respect I said "reason or excuse". Your son might go to university, your daughter might then be planning a wedding, your son might then be expecting your first grandchild...

I have not criticised your past decision. It is what it is. But perhaps it's time for a different decision.

Vivacia · 14/02/2015 18:01

You've coped with this before when you found out about this ghastly situation. You'll manage and it will pass.

Really?

Original poster

Tootyfilou · 14/02/2015 18:01

Giving my husbands his just desserts is less important to me at the moment than ensuring my children have stability to finish their education. I will
LTB, I am not a martyr but neither do I think my personal happiness is more important than my childrens. At no point in this thread have I said that I am going to stay married to him.
I posted today for some support and advice as I am unable to get any in RL.

OP posts:

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