What a fool I am.

[Tootyfilou]

Sorry if this is long.., how I wish I had been on mumsnet when this had all begun. Eight years ago H had an affair with a much younger colleague. I found out in the good old fashioned way by reading his txts. This was a man who went from barely using his phone to having it constantly about him. I was devastated, could not believe it would happen to me, thought we were the perfect family blah, blah, blah. He said it was just an emotional affair, which as he is such an emotional cripple hurt me more than if he had admitted to a quick shag. I believe they had sex but it seemed less important than the fact that he obviously had feelings for her.
He blamed me ( and I blamed myself ) I also thought he could have been having a bit of a mid life crisis. His brother had died suddenly and his mother was I'll with dementia. To a certain extent I felt sorry for him, but also hated what he had done to me and to our children who at the time were 14 and 9.
His parents went through a terrible divorce and I never imagined he would put our marriage in jeopardy. I could not bring myself to divorce him. My prime reason was the children, I had an idilic childhood and my parents marriage is still strong and happy. I did not want to put my children through a divorce. DD was just beginning her GCSEs an DS idolised his father.
So we stayed together and things have been good as a family. My children appear to be fine, they appear happy have friends and are doing well in school a d university. As a couple it is not so great.... I have major trust issues and feel as though the whole thing has made me into a bitter person inside. Our sex life is non existent and has been for a few years. H cites low libido... Last summer I saw that he had been watching teenage porn several times a day/ evening. When I confronted him he initially denied it.
Anyway last night H was working and I accidentally pressed the Map app on the iPad. It showed an area that I know the woman lives. When I found her address through LinkedIn, it was the very road she lives.
I also checked the same app on his phone this morning and the same address appeared. I am so shocked and feel an utter fool
Has he been infatuated with this woman for the last eight years? She no longer works for the company. I feel sick. Please be kind x

Right. Firstly you are not a fool. In attempting to forgive him the first time round you did the decent thing for your family, children and yourself. You chose to be the better person, which you clearly are in this situation.

The thing about forgiveness is it can only be complete when either of two things happen:

1. The person who has inflicted the pain sincerely acknowledges your hurt and their part in it, and actively demonstrates their remorse through their actions. To achieve this the person would go out of their way to make up to you the wrong. They would not be cold, half-arsed or continue to look at teenage porn knowing how much that would hurt you and threaten or undermine the relationship.

2. The person never does any of the above, but you move on with your own life, filling it with happier experiences, until you reach a place when the hurt has diminished to the point that you can look back and feel no bitterness about what the person did.

You've tried the first. Now it's time to try the latter. Mentally begin to dissect yourself from your H. He is not truly sorry. I imagine he has stayed for similar reasons to yourself but probably still day-dreams about his other make believe choices.

If you can't for practical and emotional reasons do this suddenly, then at least start filling your life with new experiences. Start working towards gaining your own independence again.

No matter what you do please, please, go for some one-on-one therapy with a counsellor or better still Psycotherapist. Sometimes fear of decisions about the future immobilise us. Like lots of us you've un-doubtably lost part of yourself somewhere between mum-and- unappreciated wife.

Build up your strength so when the time is right to go you can do it. Because frankly, you are justified to walk out the door today. Without a shred of guilt.

Good luck

Ok. Have you decided to confront your husband about this ? Is the teen porn a dealbreaker for you if his continued obsession with a woman he shagged 8 years ago is not ?

I would not have teen porn in my house.

I also would never have sex with him again.

There isn't a choice to be made between your happiness or your children's happiness .

And to be honest, your husband ruined your marriage years ago, and continues to do so.

It appears to me like this is a rant/emotional outpouring to strangers, that the OP will use to rid herself of some of these inconvenient emotions before proceeding with business as usual.

I meant it'll pass by the time she's planned her route out of this. OP, I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. The scenario you describe is similar to one I confronted ex P over so on that level I wanted to reassure you that if you can take control here, things will improve. Albeit they feel wretched now.

Check the mileage on the car if you really want to know..

Check the mileage on the car if you really want to know..

Well, not really.

Realise you've stayed with him for reasons that seemed good at the time but I wonder what your DCs would say if asked what they thought of your relationship. You appear to have sacrificed an enormous amount 'in their name', you don't sound happy, the atmosphere at home must spill over into antagonism quite a lot..... and maybe the happy family status quo that you've been protecting has not been quite as convincing as you'd like to believe? Do they ever express concern?

I honestly do not know why I am being attacked.
I posted today because of what I found last night. I explained my reasons for staying last time.
I will leave my husband. Not today for the reasons stated.
I have not had sex with him.
Sorry if this was all construed as me moaning.
Don't think I will post any more as this is making me feel even more upset.
Thanks for the support, especially the advice about counselling. Is something that I have thought about.
Thanks

Kids are very resilient. I think you are doing both yourself and your kids a disservice by staying in a fake marriage. They will likely know things aren't right .You've probably heard this a thousand times but still believe an intact family is the best thing for them.

I did something similar , and I can tell you I hugely regret doing it. My kids DONT have lovely memories of childhood , they knew I was miserable and now say they wished I had divorced him years ago. .Staying for the sake of the kids really means lying to yourself and also to them. Teaching them to pretend everything is ok when it isn't is simply setting them up.

Kids copy. Beliefs get passed on. I am now in the position of watching my dd be in a similar shit relationships parroting out the same lines that I once did. And I'm the one who taught her to do that. Do yourself and your kids a favour and acknowledge that things aren't ok. Teach them it's ok to walk away when your being treated badly.

Or there's the alternative. Teach them to ignore it , and to stay and be treated badly.

You are not being attacked, love. People are angry with your husband, not you. It can be difficult to watch a woman subjugate themselves to a defective and undeserving man though. Nobody really believes in this day and age that a mother should do that for her children, so perhaps counselling might help you to see that there may be different reasons for not acting that you have been unable or unwilling to face before now.

Good luck and I hope you find some way of confirming that you are worth much more than this piece of shit.

I was in a similar position to you (though thankfully without the teen porn.)

I found out when I was on holiday with him and our children. I didn't want to ruin the children's holiday. We were both on holiday until September and I didn't want to confront him and have us both in the house 24/7 together. I decided to tell him the night before he went back to work. I spent those weeks planning how things would work out and getting used to the fact that I'd be divorcing. After a long time together, that takes a lot of getting used to. He was completely oblivious to all of this.

I think there will always be some reason why it can't happen now - as someone above said. Once your younger child goes to university, the other may return. However, in your position I wouldn't do anything until the AS exams are over, if you think your child will be distraught. Honestly, though, the summer holidays would be long enough for your children to get used to the fact that things will be different.

Given there are only 18 months until your youngest goes to university, I would say that you and your child/ren should remain in the house for that period of time.

I would consider getting back in touch with the friend you lost who couldn't cope with you staying with him. She will probably be your best support.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. It is incredibly stressful to live like this at the moment and you really, really need to share the burden with a friend.

I wouldn't confront him until you are ready for him to go. The atmosphere might be bad now, but it will be terrible if you tell him you want him to stay for a few months but eventually leave.

One thing you could do is to tell him you have seen the teenage porn sites and you will call the police if you ever see them again.

You poor thing, I am thinking of you so much. Would it help to talk to your mum? Or if you wanted someone anonymous the Samaritans? You are so brave as this must be such a strain and I hope you can find someone you can talk to and share it with

AF - I'm one of those who does believe that a mother should stay in a marriage for the benefit of her children if at all possible. (Obviously discounting abuse and a poisonous atmosphere that neither partner is able or willing to alleviate.) My sil remembers an idyllic childhood. It was only after her father died when she was in her 50's that it all came to light that there'd been a string of affairs throughout the marriage, and her mother had known about one of them and suspicions about the rest.

I don't know where you've got the idea of OP being 'subjugated'. She sounds like a strong and capable woman, not someone in thrall to her husband or afraid to leave him. It was a pragmatic decision, and, undoubtedly, she will have suffered some loss of identity and personal fulfilment. However, she does have the satisfaction of 8 years in which 'things have been good as a family'.

I doubt if this is an ongoing affair. As pp have said, why would he need a map? Stalking, teen porn, all part of a pattern. Pathetic excuse of a man.

I agree with Imperial. Get your ducks in a row with the idea of ending the marriage when your youngest goes to university. They will still be upset but their lives will be new and exciting and yours will be, too.

I can believe he has been carrying on for so long, a relative found out her h was cheating when their kids were small & when h passed away they were late teens.

She found letters they'd been sending for all those years.

Just adding my voice to those saying leave him. The marriage is not worth how it's making you feel at this point.

I think women being encouraged to be martyrs for their children needs to stop. A divorce isn't the end of the world.

tooty although some advice here seems harsh, please remember your best friend wasn't there for you when you needed her support. You are still haunted by her emotional absence. What you are getting on here is at least some honesty and yes, sometimes the truth does sting.

Not trying to tell you stuff you already know, you have said you will leave your husband. But remember that life goes by quickly, the years cannot be rolled back. Your DC are not children any more, they are getting on with their lives, which is how it should be. You will always be their DM, that won't change.

Now, surely, the time is right for you, to release yourself from this dire situation. The sooner you do that, the quicker you can move onwards to happiness and peace of mind.

I agree, I think it is time to end this marriage and start living authentically, according to who you are, and building a future, like your children are doing....

This is such a sad post. You should not have to live a life where you just 'cope' you feel bitter unhappy and even suicidal. Your children will not thank you for it. They will not want you for being unhappy in their name.

You sound like a lovely mother, and your children must love you. Would you want someone you loved to be unhappy for you?

Yes your parents have a loving marriage, your husband has ruined yours. Its not your fault.

And teen porn? Rank off.

• They would not want you to be unhappy in their name, that should read!

Sorry I have mis-stated the age of your DS, who is coming towards the last year of A levels. Maybe this next year, 18 months can be the time (as PPs suggest) to become accustomed emotionally to the change in your life, before you make your move?

Believe me, you do have support on here, from people who have felt your pain too.

OP you have not been foolish, your dh has been a selfish, despicable husband, person and father for god knows how long.

I admire your stance on staying put for the next few months whilst your dc get some of life's milestones out the way.

Use the time wisely to plan for the future, a new bright future for you. You will eventually move in from the betrayal in time but please don't hold onto it years down the line bitterness is a nasty thing and emotionally draining.

Forgiveness is the best form if self interest. I like that quote.

Try to read the serenity prayer if you can.

You might also need to see your gp to get a low dose if anti deps to see you through the next few months. They'll be the hardest. You will come through it though.