Heartbroken. Can we have a thread about getting over someone and finding happiness?

[WhereIsTheWayOut]

I am in love with someone I work with. We hit it off and had a close relationship but not romantic, they don't feel the same way as I do, for a while I thought they did but then went a bit distant. They still said they loved me as a friend. I don't even know if they know the way I feel about them. I hoped I could control my feelings and still enjoy spending time working together. We are both freelancers who teamed up for certain projects.

However, it has all been getting unbearable for a while and I can't cope any more, so this week I told them I'm not available to work with them again. This means I won't get to see them which is the best thing I know. It really hurts though.

I will be ok but right now am terrified I will not find somebody I love this much ever again. I hate that I am feeling this sad over someone who I didn't even have a sexual relationship with, who was never my partner. I've been on my own anyway, so why does it feel suddenly like I'm alone?

Anyone care to share stories of unrequited love or love gone wrong, and then finding somebody who you loved just as much or more, and who matched it with their own love for you?

Whenever I've felt this way about someone unsuitable or inappropriate it's usually coincided with my life hitting a low ebb or a bit of a crisis. It can feel very real at the time but, looking back, it's been an escapist distraction from reality. I once had the object of one of these crushes reciprocate and it was by far the most disappointing romantic experience ever :) He turned out to be much better in my head than he was in person. He was all I could think about for months and do you know that now I couldn't even tell you his name.

So I'd say you're doing the right thing. He's served his purpose, you know you're capable of love, but now you've got to move on and find some reality. Good luck

Thank you Cogito.

I know. You're right I need to move on and there's not even anything to move on from except the kind of friendship we had. I keep being haunted by some memories of hours spent together having very intimate conversations, saying we meant a lot to each other, little touches. He went quite cool in his manner towards me after I said I couldn't work together anymore. I mean nothing to him, except being a colleague he had a great connection with, and I should not be so saddened by that.

I feel so pathetic :(

It sounds like he did the right thing by cooling, don't think you meant nothing.

It will hurt like hell every day and then one day it wont. But you should definitely indulge in your sadness and give your misery a good wallow. Sad films, sad songs, and cry it out. There's no one (adult!) who hasn't been where you are now. It will get better, it's just crap right now.

I'm afraid to be sad. I used to be very depressed and am much better these days. I'm afraid if I get stuck thinking about him it will turn into depression again, and I can't go back there.

I know I need to get the feelings out but am afraid of them taking over.

I've been there, fell deeply with a guy who was the most amazing perfect boyfriend then after a month (hadn't got to sex stage as he wanted to take it slow) he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. One week after saying this he went cold/shut down and dumped me, I was wrecked and devastated as I trusted him with my heart and let myself fall for him. I kept playing all the movie style perfectness over and over in head. I had to see him every day as well at work.

Eventually I left the job, that lifted a weight off me (was hard though but broke the addictive feelings) then I just stopped being in love with him then caring and now I live with the love of my life and can't see past him.

I feel for you, OP. I had a great, unrequited love about 18 years ago. Nothing sexual. I think he felt somewhat the same way and got scared, then ran away from the commitment.

A couple of years later, I met DH. The love we have has been different, less dramatic, less instant, but deeper, longer-lasting, and cemented by the arrival of our two DCs, the absolute loves of our lives. Both snoring next to me as I type.

I sometimes wonder "what if?" Because of the excitement and drama surrounding the one who got away...but have no regrets because of what I have now, which is so, so much more.

I hope that helps.

Thank you all.

Good to hear there are those of you who were stung in the past but went on to have something better, the real deal.

Crying again, because a friend has just cancelled plans with me. I have no family to rely on, and feel so alone.

Aw, crying is good. I know you fear depression but this is not depression. This is heartache and that is different. You just have to give it enough outlet so that the sadness won't spread too much, IYSWIM.

Everything will look better in the morning, even if the same feelings come back tomorrow and the day after. You will have the love you want. This guy would have been good but the next one will be better.

Whereis, sounds like you are still at that intense grieving stage, disbelief and finding it hard to move forward. Sorry for the cliche but please give it time, you will heal!

I've "been there, done that" on the unrequited love thing. I took leave of my senses after I lost my DH and flung myself into a relationship that was 100% manufactured in my head. The person concerned was absolutely brilliant about it, knew I was an emotional mess and did everything to gently bring me down to earth (he knew it was an extreme reaction to grief). Thank goodness he did, we were totally unsuited. And I cringe to this day. But it was an experience that made me who I am.

Can you use your experience to become stronger and more resilient in the future? Workplace relationships can be fraught because you risk letting emotion run riot in an environment which is the opposite (controlled and sterile!)

what is it that makes you say they don't feel the same way you do?

You mention him being "a bit distant" - is this your inference (that he doesn't feel the same way) or have you actually had a proper discussion about it directly?

No we didn't have a proper discussion. But it's clear. In the work we were doing he is more experienced than me and it ended up with him offering to train me up, and was a bit like a mentor he is 10 years older. When we were discussing love over drinks one time, he said he loved me but there was no way ever would he go there with someone he was training. Then he talked about some other woman in the past who he had trained, who he was really drawn to and she to him but he didn't date her because it was crossing a line in his head.

We said I love you to one another quite regularly, and whatever way he meant it I miss him now. If I had kept my big fat stupid mouth shut I'd still have him as a friend.

I'm not sure that you've reached the right conclusion.

He may have feelings for you but he has an absolute rule that he won't go there with someone he works with. Especially someone he is training - which actually says good things about him because that would be pretty unethical.

In general terms do you have the kind of job where he will work where he works now for ever/ a long time? Or is it a move around to other places/companies type job?

What could have happened is he has a sense you feel that way about him and doesn't want it where he works. That's absolutely not the same as "doesn't love" you. It maybe but you don't know.

Will you be working there till the end of time? Will you move?

We have just finished with one client a couple of weeks ago, and there would be more on the horizon but I turned it down. He can find somebody else very easily through his extensive contacts, I am not leaving him in the lurch.

In theory we could work together again, if I approached him in the future with a client but I think now he would say no. When I turned down this project he is about to get involved with he made it clear he would be busy and taken up with that for at least six months. Perhaps that was a polite way of telling me he isn't interested in continuing any sort of friendship either now.

I thought you meant you were both employed by the same company - but now it sounds like you are working in different places.

I don't know but I wonder if you are over thinking it because of how you feel. If you've suddenly backed off because you are so keen on him, he's bound to interpret it as not interested.

Do you have any work contacts in common with this man? A close or good friend of yours who works with him? Who could gently sound him out for you? (it would need to be subtle and I don't mean "my friend fancies you", I mean more along the lines of "I saw Whereis last week." and see if he asks after you.

also what do you know about his personal circumstances? is he single? divorced? separated? kids? don't know?

If you are sure you are sure, but doesn't sound like from what you've posted you've got enough to really go on.

If I were you I'd find some work related professional talk, lecture or event that you could plausibly ask him to ("I was thinking of going to this, was wondering as it's your field, would you be interested?) so that there is enough wriggle room to pass it off as a professional invite and see if he wants to go. If he comes, you could suggest go for a drink/coffee after and see how he seems.

All of this is entirely based on the impression I get that you aren't actually really sure about it. If you are sure that he's not interested, ignore me totally.

Sorry - my fault - saw you are both freelancers. Reading too quickly.

He went quite cool in his manner towards me after I said I couldn't work together anymore.

Assuming you liked someone and they come out with this, you are bound to go cool. What did you expect? that he'd be all "that's GREAT that you can't work with me any more". Even on your account, you get on well. Even if its just a friendship, telling someone "I can't work with you" is bound to make them go a bit

Thank you, Self.

No I am pretty sure, he started seeing a woman around the same time he went distant with me.

Yes, I know But I didn't know what else to do. I felt like I was going mad having to keep engaging with him over work and sometimes having a good time out for a drink etc. I want more, he doesn't.

My first boyfriend cheated on me. Some close friends knew but no one told me. I was hurt, very hurt at that time. I felt so broken for so many years. But looking back, if I'm honest it was never about not having him in my life. I felt betrayed by so many people so close to me on different levels. But at that time, I really felt like he was the one I wanted and that was the reason for all my pain. At the end of the day, no one is really that important, time will heal and you will find someone/something better. But you need to love yourself first and just be happy with your own company to begin with. People are more attracted to those who are more happy with themselves than to those who seek someone to complete them. I would not bank on stories where others found 'somebody who you loved just as much or more, and who matched it with their own love for you?', just saying.

Painful though it is, he's at least been honest with you. I think over time he has come to the conclusion that you were wanting more than he could give and decided to distance himself. It would make me wonder whether, if it wasn't in a work situation, he would want to go out with you, or does he just not want to get involved with you, full stop. Difficult to tell from what you have said, but why would he tell you he loves you, it doesn't stack up.

Actually readng back my own post, I wonder if he is being honest with you! His actions and his words seem to be contradictory (saying he loves you, but distancing himself, saying it's because of him training you. ) If you love someone, you love them don't you? Maybe his concept of "love" is different!

Painful though it is, he's at least been honest with you

See this is my point. This whole thing reads like this to me:

• I *really like/love this man.
• It's all in my head and I pine for him. I've never told him.
• He told me that he'd never date someone he was training.
• Because I've been pining for him, I've obsessed and obsessed and twisted around the facts to build a castle of rejection and decided all this means he doesn't even like me.
• I like him so much I can't cope with seeing him so I made up some crap about not being able to work with him.
• After telling him I couldn't work with him any more, he went distant on me.

Nowhere in this tale is there any actual discussion of his feelings or whether he'd be interest in dating her if they didn't work together.

It is a universal truth that when you like someone seriously you lose all perspective. How many times have you seen a couple before they get together and there are chemical sparks flying everywhere - and your friend (one of the two) is all " I don't think he likes me. Do you think he likes me?" and you and the universe are all chorusing "Are you blind? The chemistry is of the scale. Of course he likes you". And then Bam they are a couple.

I wonder whether because of her feelings the OP has run scared into a shell and is assuming he doesn't like her based on very little.

She maybe right of course, it's impossible to tell via limited accounts on a message board. But my vote would be for not quite giving up/assuming there is nothing there without more directly raising the matter. As I said, I'd suggest finding some kind of work related evening lecture/seminar/exhibition whatever, asking him to that and see what happens (whether he says yes or no, how he behaves etc)

Re: first line of my previous post - I meant that it's impossible to tell if "he's been honest with her" because they don't appear to have had any kind of discussion or vague discussion about it. It all seems to be in OPs head primarily based on the "won't date a trainee while training" and "gone distant after I told him I wouldn't work with him" matters.

PS:

When I turned down this project he is about to get involved with he made it clear he would be busy and taken up with that for at least six months. Perhaps that was a polite way of telling me he isn't interested in continuing any sort of friendship either now.

Maybe he was saying "well if you aren't doing this project with me, I won't see you through work as I'll be very busy" and hoping you would say "Gosh that would be a shame, we must try and catch up over lunch/drink/something none work related".

In other words, he was maybe angling for some hint that you would miss him.

Although you are saying you are sure he isn't interested, your accounts of it don't really support it. It could be a situation where he thinks YOU aren't interested so is backing off.

"People are more attracted to those who are more happy with themselves than to those who seek someone to complete them. I would not bank on stories where others found 'somebody who you loved just as much or more, and who matched it with their own love for you?', just saying."

Er I dont seek someone to 'complete' me. I am complete as I am, thank you very much! It's not like I'm out chasing all men and need one it's this one particular one I fell for.

What do you mean by don't bank on stories where people met someone? I don't understand your point. I wanted stories of people moving on to meeting new people and good relationships to cheer me up.

SelfLoathing - I know. But as I said he was seeing someone else at least up until a few months ago, it hasn't come up in conversation since before Christmas so I don't know if he is still seeing her or not, but either way it all feels like it's not going to happen for me and him.

I think he unintentionally gave me mixed messages and that's why I let myself pine after him.