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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me or him?

44 replies

RiojaHaze · 14/02/2015 10:17

Me and DP have 3 DCs and have been together for over 9 years, not been getting on for ages.

This morning we've just had a huge falling out. He's had a cold, but has been working outside, drinking cider and smoking weed in the evenings. I get up everyday with the DC and to work, he's often still in bed when I take them to school.

This morning I got up with them at 6:30 to stop his dogs barking and stayed up with DC. At 7.50 I told him I was going to a spin class, and went. When I got back at 9 he was still in bed.

He's just called me selfish and told me I only care about myself. That he's poorly and I shouldn't have gone as it's not fair on him.

My argument is that if someone is well enough to smoke weed then they're well enough to get up at 8am.

Ever since we've been together I have got up with the kids while he stayed in bed, sometimes til 10am. He works for his parents so has always got away with it. I used to have to take DD to my mum for childcare when she was little when I used to work miles away and had to leave at 6.15am. He would stay in bed til god knows when (sometimes 10 as I would get my mum to drive by and check) arguing that if he had a phone all he would have to get up and go straight away. This never actually happened though.

I have just brought this up again, in defence to him telling me I'm selfish. Yet now I start to doubt myself and wonder if I am, as he tells me I am so much that I have started to believe it.

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 14/02/2015 10:21

What is the point of him exactly?

Handywoman · 14/02/2015 10:24

It's quite clearly him, not you.

That you even have to ask indicates how ingrained this is for both of you.

Get rid. Enjoy the space.

cottageinthecountry · 14/02/2015 10:26

He hasn't grown up yet. Your children have a teenager as father.

Set some boundaries such as 'if you tell me I'm selfish one more time we split up'

And stick to it. He will regret it if you do split and you will all suffer but the ball is in his court, this is not the behaviour of a parent.

Also tell him that it is a privilege to bring up and look after your children, not a chore and if he doesn't want to do it that's his loss.

Happy valentines day!

Original poster

RiojaHaze · 14/02/2015 10:26

Reading it back makes me sound so pathetic doesn't it.

I've always gone to the gym and only recently done it when he is at home so needed him to have the DC. 3 hours a week. This is me only thinking of myself. What a sap.

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 14/02/2015 10:29

I think when he says "selfish" he means "not putting ME first".

something2say · 14/02/2015 10:33

I agree with everyone else. You asserting reasonable boundaries means that he has to pull his weight, and he doesn't want to ill his weight, therefore you are selfish. Any inkling that he will change?

I'd advise not getting into arguments with him about it tho, as he won't admit it.

Original poster

RiojaHaze · 14/02/2015 10:51

I left in November for a week and he promised he'd change.
On NYE he said he knows he's grumpy and he's going to make an effort with us.
Nothing changed. Sometimes it's worse.

YY to the arguing, he shouts at me then when I reply he shouts over me or walks off.

OP posts:

something2say · 14/02/2015 10:57

Don't argue with him them.
Maybe you change.....
What are you thinking is next?

cottageinthecountry · 14/02/2015 10:59

I shall have to say it, but LTB while the kids are still young. Don't wait for things to change, or a better time, or til after the holiday.

WaxOnWaxOff · 14/02/2015 11:01

He's clearly not going to change, so any change or improvement in your situation from herein will have to come from you.

Temporarily leaving in November didn't work, did it? So what do you think you need to do next?

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 14/02/2015 11:01

So you came back on the understanding that he would change. He didn't change.

What's the dilemma?

DeliciousMonster · 14/02/2015 11:04

Leave again, and for good this time.

Original poster

RiojaHaze · 14/02/2015 12:43

Will people so stubborn and close minded ever change? Does it happen?

OP posts:

bettyboop1970 · 14/02/2015 13:14

What a waste of space!
Just a big stroppy manchild, with addictions.
Surley you'd be better off alone.
He also sounds abusive.
What sort of role model is he for your DC's? Friend of mine had a P like yours and her DS turned out exactly the same as his dad.

Finola1step · 14/02/2015 13:21

Let me get this straight.

You told him you were going to the gym (so at this point he was awake). He then goes back to sleep, in bed, while 3 young children are in the house and left to their own devices.

How old are the dcs? Was he actually asleep or just lying in bed?

Ilovemybedbaby · 14/02/2015 13:30

Absolutely him!

cozietoesie · 14/02/2015 13:31

He drinks and smokes weed in the evening..... and then stays in bed till 10 o'clock if he can. Are you sure he's capable of taking care of the DC? (And his dogs - how many are there?) Are you sure he's not starting off again when he wakes up?

Oh - and I do hope he's not using a car when he gets up?

Original poster

RiojaHaze · 14/02/2015 13:40

Betty that's what scares me. His dad treats his mum with total disrespect and I'd hate for my DSs to grow up like that. Also if they hated me, which I'm so scared of.

He smokes a lot of weed, gives him awful mood swings and paranoia but he won't admit that it's a problem.

Yet he's insistent he does nothing wrong and it's me who takes things too personally and over reacts.
I'm pathetic aren't I, putting up with this

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/02/2015 13:43

You're not pathetic - don't ever be thinking that - but you have got some difficulties.

What is keeping you with him?

Fairenuff · 14/02/2015 13:56

I left in November for a week and he promised he'd change.

Nothing changed. Sometimes it's worse.

Look at those two statements.

To change the situation you are in, one of you has to change. It won't be him.

If you carry on doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same results.

He has shown you who he is. You are just turning a blind eye to it.

You left in November, you gave another chance, you tried. I think it's time to take legal and financial advice and this time make the split permanent.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 14/02/2015 13:57

Seriously, just get rid. He is a rotton husband and a pretty crap dad.

Lweji · 14/02/2015 13:58

Nothing changed. Sometimes it's worse.

Sure, because now he knows you won't actually leave.
It will get progressively worse, the more you put up with it. :(

GoatsDoRoam · 14/02/2015 13:59

Why do you think you are still hoping that he will change, when you left last year, he promised to change, and then did not.

You've had your answer: he promised change. didn't. therefore, won't change.

Why are you still hoping? What is your limit?

This isn't a go at you, by the way. I'm asking you to seriously examine what is keeping you hanging on to a miserable waster.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2015 14:04

"His dad treats his mum with total disrespect and I'd hate for my DSs to grow up like that. Also if they hated me, which I'm so scared of."

Is it any real surprise to you that his own father treats his mother with total disrespect. It should not be, that is what this man learnt from his own dysfunctional family of origin.

They are already growing up like that because you stick around for your own reasons (your own co-dependency issues being one of them. Love your own self for a change and stop putting him first).

They won't hate you for leaving but for staying instead and in their eyes putting him before them. Is this really what you want them to remember about their childhoods?.

Joysmum · 14/02/2015 15:49

Break the cycle, you don't want your own kids growing up to be like him and in a house where drugs are normal.

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