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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me or him?

44 replies

RiojaHaze · 14/02/2015 10:17

Me and DP have 3 DCs and have been together for over 9 years, not been getting on for ages.

This morning we've just had a huge falling out. He's had a cold, but has been working outside, drinking cider and smoking weed in the evenings. I get up everyday with the DC and to work, he's often still in bed when I take them to school.

This morning I got up with them at 6:30 to stop his dogs barking and stayed up with DC. At 7.50 I told him I was going to a spin class, and went. When I got back at 9 he was still in bed.

He's just called me selfish and told me I only care about myself. That he's poorly and I shouldn't have gone as it's not fair on him.

My argument is that if someone is well enough to smoke weed then they're well enough to get up at 8am.

Ever since we've been together I have got up with the kids while he stayed in bed, sometimes til 10am. He works for his parents so has always got away with it. I used to have to take DD to my mum for childcare when she was little when I used to work miles away and had to leave at 6.15am. He would stay in bed til god knows when (sometimes 10 as I would get my mum to drive by and check) arguing that if he had a phone all he would have to get up and go straight away. This never actually happened though.

I have just brought this up again, in defence to him telling me I'm selfish. Yet now I start to doubt myself and wonder if I am, as he tells me I am so much that I have started to believe it.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 14/02/2015 15:54

Oh god, he's not going to get any better. He's been worse since November, for heaven's sake.

You left him? As in you left him in the house and you and the children went elsewhere? If that's what happened, it can't happen again. He is the one who has to go. And if his parents are around, they can take him in.

Honestly, OP, in years to come you will re-read what you've written above and wonder how the hell you didn't leave him earlier. He is really awful - selfish, lazy, paranoid, awful.

ALittleFaith · 14/02/2015 15:58

He won't change because he has no incentive to change. I doubt very much that he will change while you are in a relationship with him.

Original poster

RiojaHaze · 14/02/2015 16:32

Where do I stand legally with the house? It's in both our names, but he pays the bills as I only work part time. I couldn't afford it on my own but he can.

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 14/02/2015 16:44

Leave, rent and then force a sale and if there is any profit you will get a share. Then start having a nice life.

bettyboop1970 · 14/02/2015 16:48

Some solicitors offer a free half hour consultation, ring round to find one. Citizens advice (if you have one). Women's aid 0808 2000247 for your local team.

Handywoman · 14/02/2015 16:54

Rioja you can call tax credits on Monday and tell them your circumstances have changed, you are on your own with the kids - you'll get increased tax credits quite quickly. Your idiot soon-to-be ex will need to pay maintenance..... Kick him out, the finances and legalities will get sorted, just get this idiot out of your house.

Fairenuff · 14/02/2015 21:56

OP don't do anything until you get legal advice. Do a bit of research, find out what benefits you would be entitled to. Knowledge is power. Start planning for a happier future.

Original poster

RiojaHaze · 15/02/2015 09:54

I need to I need to.

DD just tripped over the vacuum wire as he'd left it trailing across the room. Something that he'd had a go at me about earlier in the week.

I watched her do it, but she said she hit her shoulder on it. DP told her that "this is what she does. She lies to make things her own way".

He kept on and on about how he did the hoovering, hoovered all of downstairs. I said "what do you want,'a fucking medal?"

He then said I deserved a slap around the face. He said he'd get DS to do it. In front of all 3 DCs.

He's now attempting to justify it. He apologises but that's what would happen years ago, you'd get a slap and that would be fine. I'm a historian, I should know this. I swear all the time, therefore I deserve it.

WTF am I doing here???

OP posts:

WaxOnWaxOff · 15/02/2015 09:57

I don't know, WTF are you doing there?

Time to put up or shut up.

Lweji · 15/02/2015 11:45

He then said I deserved a slap around the face. He said he'd get DS to do it. In front of all 3 DCs

That needs reporting. It's overt abuse.

Have you ever contacted WA? You should.

Fairenuff · 15/02/2015 11:48

Be brave for your children, do it for them. Don't let them grow up thinking this is normal. You are stronger than you think. You have been coping with this, you are pretty much managing on your own anyway. It will be easier without him there.

Get financial advice, speak with a solicitor and just find out what your options are. You don't have to do anything straight away, just gather the information and start preparing.

Btw if you are still sleeping with him, you don't have to do that either if you don't want to.

ImperialBlether · 15/02/2015 13:28

OP, a foster carer I know had a group of siblings who used to have to hit each other otherwise the father would hit them. His threat to have your son hit you is highly abusive and he should be reported for all of your safety.

Quitelikely · 15/02/2015 13:56

Doesn't he know that when you become a parent you give up your right to lie in for the next fifteen years or so? Or didn't he know he shouldn't be smoking weed by now.

His attitude and approach to you and those children stinks.

You can get maintenance from him, you can get council tax discount and child tax credits to top up your part time wage.

In all honesty what is the point of living with someone who has never grown up, doesn't respect you and is a terrible role model for your kids.

Emulating him, when they're older will lead them to misery, divorce and maybe even drugs.

pinkyredrose · 15/02/2015 14:03

He then said I deserved a slap around the face. He said he'd get DS to do it. In front of all 3 DCs

Jesus fucking Christ!!!!!!!

Get out, please get out. For your childrens sake and yours.

bettyboop1970 · 15/02/2015 15:32

Yes WTF are you doing there.
At least you know that you need to be free from this abusive pathetic man child.
Set the wheels in motion.
You can do this.

Lweji · 15/02/2015 15:45

This is also child abuse, actually.

Talk to WA, and the local police DV unit.

cozietoesie · 15/02/2015 15:48

Do you have any friends or family nearby IRL? (Forgive me if you've said but I couldn't immediately see any reference from your posts.)

Original poster

RiojaHaze · 15/02/2015 18:25

Yes I have lots of friends and I know they feel the same as you all do just a by more sugar coated!!
It's funny how until you read back your own posts you don't see the severity of your situation.

I read posts on here thinking "why are you with him??" Yet now I can see that others think that of me.

I've been googling all day to see how much and what I am entitled to and the wheels are in motion.

Thanks for your advice, it's made me realise it's not me being over sensitive or taking things personally.

OP posts:

cottageinthecountry · 15/02/2015 19:25

I'm just guessing, but it's very likely that his behaviour is something he's witnessed his parents do. Sometimes these things resurface when your child grows to the same age that you witnessed abuse.

It is likely that he's been damaged by what he witnessed as a child and that could also explain his weed use. Now that he has his own children the memories that he has tried to block out with weed are coming back via his children.

But you can't fix him, perhaps he can recover on his own, but it should be away from you and the DCs.

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