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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do i feel terrible?

27 replies

magicgirl79 · 13/02/2015 21:32

I have been coming on this site for about 6 months for advice now as I don't have ANYONE I can speak to in r/l.

Back story, married with one d/c, breadwinner and supported my H, paid all mortgage payments etc for the last teens of years.

He was never interested in getting a job, mainly due to (I believe) smoking weed everyday, so found it difficult to not smoke during the working day and became irritable, moody so nothing ever lasted.

Now he has a p/t job and I feel terrible that im not supporting him 100%, I just feel I have been doing it for so long and I don't expect a pat on the back! He is doing well not smoking well through the day but say he will not quit and will continue when he is able to.

Im so mixed up, I should now be happy that he is at least working but somehow im not, im really trying, maybe it will take time to get me used too, at the same time im waiting for a let down.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2015 21:44

It sounds like a case of 'too little, too late'. If you've carried someone for years, they have a history of messing things up, and they're only making a half-hearted stab at their substance abuse, you can run very short on compassion let alone enthusiasm.

What do you get out of this?

PlumFairy2014 · 13/02/2015 21:51

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for you. I don't think I could live/be with with someone with a drug habit, nevermind support them.

I have also found children pick up on the behaviour of weed smokers from a very young age, is he ever irritable with your DC?

I can completely understand why you aren't happy though. What do you think would make you happy?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 13/02/2015 21:54

This is what I was really thinking but I felt like such a horrible person just thinking that.

In a way in the past few years I have grown a bit stronger and now see that this is not the way things should be.

Im not even sure if I get anything anymore, but I have spent my life trying to keep everyone happy, so just feel terrible for even feeling this way.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 13/02/2015 21:55

If you feel like you're the only one trying in the relationship, it's time to get out.

mineofuselessinformation · 13/02/2015 21:59

Sorry, I should add - if it's an equal partnership, then both of you should be working towards your common goals.... If you're not, it's time to stop and think....
I was in a dysfunctional relationship (not drugs, ea), but eventually I called time on it because I was putting in all of the effort and it was getting me nowhere. Trust your heart on this.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 13/02/2015 21:59

He can be irritable with both of us, I know what the problem is, my little one doesn't understand and shouldn't have too!

I think what would make me happy is that our time is up, but I feel sad for my child about that.

I don't want her to think its ok to take drugs, my H has sat with his oldest 2 from his first wife and smoked weed with them.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 13/02/2015 22:01

Yeah, time to get out to be honest.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 13/02/2015 22:07

I cant understand why I feel so bad! He makes me miserable sometimes, doesn't like me to socialise etc and is over powering, I reckon paranoia through the drugs, I feel like something has opened my eyes suddenly.

He is so happy about his job but I just feel like it could be too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
magicgirl79 · 13/02/2015 22:29

PlumFairy2014~ I notice you have said that young children can pick up on a weed habit from a young age, do you mean the moods etc, I really don't want her to know about it. Personally I have never touched drugs and I hope my child will be the same.

Like you say its the moodiness, I am relaxed when we are alone and happy, he is like a habit in my life now though, but I think we would be better apart. Not sure how he would cope but he is late 40s, im don't want to be his mother x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2015 23:26

I think you feel bad because this man is a manipulative shit that has monopolised your time and willingly exploited your kindness and generosity. He's made it so that you feel responsible for him. Everything from the mood he's in to his behaviour to his standard of living. He's a parasite and parasites are draining. If you're finally realising that it's massively one-sided, it's not a moment too soon.

PlumFairy2014 · 14/02/2015 10:51

Children watch their parents and if she sees his moods/smoking I think it normalises it in the childs mind. I wouldn't want my child thinking that it was acceptable behaviour or thinking this is how a relationship should be.

When a relationship is over it's over and I get the impression you have already decided. You shouldn't feel guilty for the way you feel. You can't spend your life unhappy.

darkness · 14/02/2015 10:54

I think this would be depressing in itself - as it shows he can drop the drugs but ...well he just hasn’t cared enough to before, and even now its half hearted...hes just demonstrated Its not out of his control - he just dont care enough....I feel so sad for you and your dc

and if you split up will the B**d get visitation rights...handing your child over to someone who doesn’t care enough about them to stay sober sober for them / around them is a huge no

I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly but personally Id be off for the weekend with your dc - give him a really good chance to get properly stoned and then phone the police on him - get him the criminal record he deserves and protect your child

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 14/02/2015 11:08

Surely this is the perfect time to split up?

He has a job and can support himself now.

PlumFairy2014 · 14/02/2015 20:47

I hope you're alright op. Change, even for the better, can be pretty daunting.

Try not to be glum. Life will be better and easier without him for both of you.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 14/02/2015 22:29

Im ok, thanks. Im just feeling a little low, and confused. Lind of detached from the situation if that makes sense.

OP posts:
maras2 · 14/02/2015 22:37

Sweetie.Please just make yourself and your child happy.You must leave this lazy good for nothing junkie.He is the last person on earth to be around your child.He is irredeemable.You have a whole future ahead of you.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 14/02/2015 22:40

What are you confused about?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 14/02/2015 23:06

It is very stupid but I'm confused about the shift in me that has changed and awakened me to see all these things in a different light. Before I just let it all continue but now I feel very different.

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 14/02/2015 23:19

Maybe you are growing up? Realising you weren't put on this earth to make everyone else happy at your expense? That it's not your job (or shouldn't be) to enable his life of fuckwittery?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 16/02/2015 18:12

Thanks for all the replys. I keep coming back here as I cant speak to anyone in R/L so please bear with me.

He has been very sulky today, it started me off in an awful mood that I ended up taking to work with me.

It gets so exhausting living like this day in day out. Maybe he is the same or possibly the weed, who knows.

I think our child is picking up on things too now, she speaks about daddy grumping or daddy saying bad words etc.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2015 18:41

Life's too short to waste it letting someone else's behaviour render you exhausted.

PlumFairy2014 · 17/02/2015 20:19

Like Cogito said.

It's often initially hard to leave, but really for you and the little one you need to.

Is there no friends or family you could talk to for RL support?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 17/02/2015 21:09

I don't really trust anyone enough in r/l to tell them, I think from the outside we look great but we are far from it.

He is just so sulky and moody and im scared if I approach the subject it will spiral and cause a huge rift that cant be healed if that makes sense.

I hate confrontation and im quite an anxious person so guess im just a bit scared to get the ball rolling so to speak x

OP posts:
chocolatefingersandtoes · 17/02/2015 21:25

I bet you a million that your anxiety will get much better with just you and your daughter. Its really clear that he has prioritised his "precious"weed over being a good example to his daughter, work, paying HIS bills, a supportive, loving partner. You've allowed/supported him through all this and he's got the bloody nerve to be sulky and grumpy? No wonder you're irritated and fed up FFS! Sounds like you're waking up and seeing him for what he really is which is good but the bottom line is, you've got a little girl who is picking up on everything...you need to set a good example as to what it is to have a healthy relationship with a man. This is the greatest gift you can give her and your responsibility as her mum. Your H has the same responsibility as her dad to set a positive example as a male role model in her life. Doesn't sound like he is doing a brillant job, doing loads of drugs and being moody and aggressive to youAngryand occasionally getting a job!

chocolatefingersandtoes · 17/02/2015 21:26

Lazy gitAngry!