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Original poster

Wife obsessed with Mumsnet. Ignores husband

41 replies

LeMonde001 · 13/02/2015 20:21

AIBU - My wife & I are currently doing IVF and my wife has become obsessed with mumsnet. She goes to sleep at night with mobile phone in hand checking the mumsnet posts on contraception and answers post after post. As soon as she wakes up she switches on the mobile phone and gets back to posting, and checks mumsnet several times during the day. It's coming between us and is taking away from our very limited private time when we can just be with each other. AIBU to ask her to shut it off?

OP posts:
Delphine31 · 13/02/2015 20:27

The trouble is, you're asking a load of people who are most likely equally addicted to Mumsnet. I for one spend far too much time on here!

She will be benefiting from the feeling of support of being part of the Mumsnet community and hearing about and contributing to others' posts about conception.

Hobbitwife001 · 13/02/2015 20:29

YABVU, you can't come between a woman and her MN fixation!
Actually you could ask her to tone it down a little when she is with you, but it's very addictive, I can attest to that. :)

FishWithABicycle · 13/02/2015 20:37

MN is very addictive. But yanbu to be concerned. You can tell her from me: If you are replacing book-reading time or tv-watching time with MN - YANBU. If you are replacing limited 1:1 time with much loved DH with whom one is TTC with MNing instead - YABU.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 13/02/2015 20:39

YABVU and sound like my xh. Grin

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 13/02/2015 20:40

I used to turn off in the evenings tbh and just came on from 7am-4pm. Maybe you could sort out some time limits.

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 20:42

I think it's within anyone's rights to nicely ask a partner to spend a little less of your private together time on their phone. MNing or whatever.

ceeveebee · 13/02/2015 20:43

When we went through IVF I was the same - constantly posting and googling as it's very hard to talk to real life friends about it. Best of luck to you both

originalusernamefail · 13/02/2015 20:48

I would phrase it more - I want to spend time with you rather than shut it off tbh. DH and I struggled to conceive DC1 and I'm currently seeing the same problems now we are going for DC2. I found the support on here invaluable, seemingly ALL my friends had babies while I struggled and while my DH tried he just couldn't understand the way I felt and would only say "we'll be okay" over and over.

Also don't moan about your DW ignoring you for mumsnet then ignore her for Netflix/ TV/ Xbox (another DH special Angry). Talk to her but don't make it into a row.

Stoatystoat · 13/02/2015 20:51

It does sounds like an obsession but as more with IVF than anything else and she is probably feeling supported by the people on the boards. I appreciate that's hard for you as well. I really hope your IVF is successful. Yanbu to be disgruntled but I would cut her a bit of slack while you're in the thick of it.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/02/2015 20:56

That you Dave? ;)

RiverTam · 13/02/2015 21:10

well, I look on it far too much, to the extent that I'm going to give it up for Lent. And DH does get a bit annoyed, I think he thinks I expend far too much emotional energy on it, and I daresay he's right.

Charley50 · 13/02/2015 21:36

I am addicted. I started because my DP was spending too much time playing computer games and he ended up complaining to me about me being here.

TeaHowl · 13/02/2015 21:45

dh is that you? Hmm

OhFlippityBolax · 13/02/2015 21:55

I genuinely think this is my DH

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 13/02/2015 21:59

lol

everyone's checking this thread in case it's their old man

I was suspicious because OH is busy with his new smartphone

TRexingInAsda · 13/02/2015 22:10

Not my dh, phew.

TTC does take all your brainspace sometimes, you can get very obsessed over it and it's really nice to have support (even online). I think try not to generalise - it is a positive thing except on specific occasions, so just point out when these occasions are - as an invite, not an order eg "dw would you like to xyz with me tonight".

MisForMumNotMaid · 13/02/2015 22:13

Welcome to mumsnet.

Watch out its addictive.

Homemadewhine · 13/02/2015 22:35

did Someone speak?

Original poster
LeMonde001 · 13/02/2015 23:04

Yes it certainly feels like it's becoming addictive for her, but I get how stressful IVF can be - there's definitely benefit for her by chatting with other women going through the same challenges / frustrations etc with IVF. This is our 3rd attempt and it's not getting easier - and getting more emotionally draining for her each time. I try to stay positive but don't really know what to say sometimes. "This time we may get lucky" wears a bit thin - we know we're basically just rolling the dice with it - and the odds are pretty poor. Maybe I ask her to limit her to one MN session a day - say early evening?? Is there a preferred time of day to MN??

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 13/02/2015 23:05

Not you are not being unreasonable.

Generally if people are obsessed with anything internet related, it's a sign of too much time on their hands. I'd include myself in this so its not intended to be judgmental.

If I'm really really busy, I don't have time to think about anything let alone muck around on the internet. When I'm not, I navel gaze, mull over my problems and spend hours reading internet crap on the subject.

If it's a problem, you need to find a project to engage/distract her from both the IVF issue and mumsnet that is all absorbing. Doesn't matter what it is - decorating a room, supervising builders, training for a swimathon, organising a party or a fundraiser - but something that is real life based and totally absorbing.

TheFriar · 13/02/2015 23:09

Leave her alone.
Serioulsy, you want to improve your chances to have a baby?
Don't add to her stress levesl, which will be very high already (just as yours are too).

Let her indulge in talking with other women in the same boat if that's what is keeping her sane. She is doing the same than thousands of other women (I know I'm working with women undergpoing IVF and fertility tyreatment).

Try and insitigate nice relaxing time together rather than demanding she stops coming on MN.

And maybe learn to relax yourself. It will help your DW to cope too.

TheFriar · 13/02/2015 23:13

lol at finding a 'project'.

I have yet to find a woman doing IVF whose 'project' isn't to get pregnant.
It will be in her mind everyday during every waking hour.
Telling/involving her forcibly into something else is telling her this isn't that important (at least in her eyes).

Gently supporting her to have other interests and to keep 'living' her life is certainly a good idea. But not if it's forced and demanded. And not if she isn't buying into it in the first place.

SelfLoathing · 13/02/2015 23:30

lol at finding a 'project'.

I have yet to find a woman doing IVF whose 'project' isn't to get pregnant

That was rather my point. The mumsnet problem is a symptom of obsessional behaviour and obsessions are unhealthy - particularly when it comes to getting pregnant. How many stories are there of women who give up IVF and then suddenly get pregnant when they relax?

Anything that operates as a proper and fully engaging mental distraction is healthy. If she works, this could be her job - but honestly that depends on what your job is. If you have to perform open heart surgery, you have to concentrate and can't check out into your mental obsession; if you are answering the phone and waiting for it to ring, you can switch off and totally can check out/surf the internet etc.

If she doesn't work, then looking for an absorbing and mentally engaging project isn't actually such a stupid idea.

Original poster
LeMonde001 · 14/02/2015 00:05

My wife doesn't work which is half the problem I think. She is extremely intelligent and used to be a corporate high flyer and is now putting all and sundry into IVF - she mulls over things infinitum so MN gives her that forum plus she is at home all day during the week (not saying staying at home is easy!) but there is plenty of time for her to kill. Sounds like I need to have a chat though - and come up with a project. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 14/02/2015 14:18

Maybe I ask her to limit her to one MN session a day - say early evening?? Is there a preferred time of day to MN??

Erm, what? And why? And what the F*ing hell is wrong with you? Let's examine this: She's at home all day without you. It bothers you that she MNs all evening. So your solution is to control her activity by telling her not to go on MN when you're not there and it won't affect you whether she does or not, AND you want to 'allow' her to go on MN in the early evening when you are there, when you're perceived problem with her MNing is? So that won't help your 'problem' at all, will it?

FGS. You are grown man, think. Use the following idiot guide to help:

  1. Think about what the actual problem is - how and when is dw's MN use actually affecting you? Eg. 6pm - always on MN so we eat dinner separately.
  2. Think what might actually alleviate the problem(s) identified in 1 above. Eg. No computer/phone etc during dinner times - talk instead?
  3. Discuss with her the problems and potential solutions you have identified in 1 and 2 above, and ask if she'd like to implement your ideas, or if she has another suggestion.
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