Wife obsessed with Mumsnet. Ignores husband

[LeMonde001]

AIBU - My wife & I are currently doing IVF and my wife has become obsessed with mumsnet. She goes to sleep at night with mobile phone in hand checking the mumsnet posts on contraception and answers post after post. As soon as she wakes up she switches on the mobile phone and gets back to posting, and checks mumsnet several times during the day. It's coming between us and is taking away from our very limited private time when we can just be with each other. AIBU to ask her to shut it off?

There is something not right when one partner constantly goes online or to play a console all evening while the other is doing nothing.

Yes absolutely speak to your DW about her online usage when you are around.

If my dh is on his phone too much of an evening, which tbf is every night I ask him to come off the phone an he does, so do I if he asks me.

Life's a two way street.

Wanting time with your wife isn't a bad thing.

I'd seriously rethink my attitude if I was planning to come up with a project for another adult.

Yanbu - going to sleep with phone in hand is a bad sign. I feel for you both, op.

YANBU, but I suspect you are addressing a symptom rather than the cause.

Actually, scratch that. YWNBU until I got to the line about 'come up with a project'. Now I want to know the back story of why she gave up work and what the dynamic in your relationship is like. Why is going to be you who comes up with the project?

Tbh I come on mumsnet when my oh is watching something of no interest to me which is pretty often. If he tried to give me a project I would tell him what he could do with that project. What I dont do is sit on my phone texting my mates which is slightly different. Mumsnet is a valuable lifeline to women and god how I wished it was more established when I had problems of my own, that would have been a godsend, I was lonely at home , oh at work and if I had fellow women who went through what I did then I would have been on here too all hours. Good luck with the IVF.

I'm not really sure how a 'project' (in addition to her current very time consuming project of TTC) would help anything.....isn't the stated problem that she isn't spending time and attention on her husband, so how would having her be at the gym or at a painting class or regrouting the bathroom etc (rather than on an internet forum) help to achieve that?
Although it may be correct that the MN is just a symptom of obsession with TTC, YABU to expect that she will just be able to say 'oh yes, well, OK, now that you mention it you're right, I'll just stop thinking about babies so much'

I'm on MN much too much, I'll admit it. DH will occasionally look at me like and ask me jokingly if I'm chatting with my 'love-ah' because he's feeling 'neglected'. So I'll (reluctantly) set the laptop aside, while we watch a TV show or actually (gasp) talk . But we're not dealing with IVF. We're just an old married couple who take each other for granted sometimes. I'll say the same thing to him when he gets all caught up with his (expensive, time-consuming) hobby.

Have you actually told her that you feel lonely and maybe a little scared about the IVF, too? That you miss being each other's 'focus', even for just a little while? She may (mistakenly) feel that you aren't all that worried about the IVF. That you can't don't really understand what she's going through. A lot of men feel they have to be the big strong support for us (i.e. "It'll be ok") when what we really need is someone to say "I'm scared, too. What if this doesn't work?". She just may need you to be vulnerable right now too. Give her a chance to turn to you.

Had a chat last night with DW. Apparently every waking moment she is freaking out about the IVF not working and MN gives her the support she needs and answers on every possible doubt/worry/symptom she may be feeling at any point in time, and she is not feeling she is getting that support from me. Am now in the room of mirrors taking a long hard look at myself and my approach to IVF.

She doesn't work because she wants to focus solely on IVF. I'm not sure that actually helps though because it has become all consuming for her. I do not recommend it.

Having said that, last night she came to bed and didn't switch on the phone whilst I was awake! Yippee! She made it clear she probably would log on after I was asleep though.... Guess I am ok with that .

I think I can try to see both your perspectives. I have sympathy with you both. I didn't have IVF but did have multiple miscarriages. Mumsnetting got me through. It wasn't that i couldn't talk to DH it was partly that I didn't want to add to his pain on the whole baby issue.

I respect your wife's decision to commit full time to IVF. It must have been hard to focus on career whilst desiring a baby became consuming. I also get your desire for her to have a project. But sometimes the best you can do is be there and support, gently encourage. Some steps we need to take for ourselves in life.

Life as a couple needs to carry on baby, or process of getting a baby. Its valentines day, corny commercial nonsense but reminder to give a damn about each other. To express that you love her, even if she appears to rebuff you, its important to remember you love each other.

DH and I get over involved in being busy in life sometimes. We might have a bottle of wine/ hot chocolate sitting under the stars under a blanket or book an evening out at the cinema or for a meal. I confess to feeling to busy to bother sometimes, but when it happens its nice. I take a step back and breathe.

Do you as a couple have any life plans? Holidays you can sneak in before a baby?

A good advice in that case is to concentrate on what IS nice about her.
I'm sure that apart from the baby making process, and MN, she has lots of very nice sides.
Concentrate on that, compliment her, boost her self esteem that us probably rock bottom (after all she isn't managing to do something as sime as getting pregnant. Something that, in our society, defines a woman).
Listen to her when she goes on about what could go wrong, what could you both do to help increase the chances. Get involved in the IVF, not just merely coming to the egg collection to give your sperm.
Again, I've seen often. Even
When the reason for the IVF is the man, it's the woman who shoulders all the responsibility to get pregnant. I've seen women changing their diet and doing all sorts to be sure that the IVF works and the guy carrying on with all the things that do make the sperm count etc worse. I mean alcohol, doing too much, diet, smoking. Nope he isn't going to change ANY of his habits.

So maybe yes. Look at your attitude to the IVF too. Does it look like you are really making an effort to make it work this time? Is it a team effort? Or are you merely going along to appointments and expecting it to just happen?

It's great that you talked. IVF and getting pregnant seem all consuming for your DW - are they for you? How many IVFs would you go before you call it a day? Is it the same number as her? Can you picture yourselves as a happy childless couple? Can she?

These are all important topics which you need to communicate about in order for her to feel supported - you don't necessarily need to agree but you do need to be a team.

Unfortunately getting pregnant even with IVF doesn't take 24 hours a day. She isn't working but her project is filling every waking hour - she's approaching it by getting more information from Mumsnet but more information is just creating more questions and anxiety and things she might be getting wrong or needs to ask etc etc. It's an anxiety spiral.

If she is finding it helpful that's great, if she is starting to find thinking about IVF is getting intrusive and overwhelming I'd really recommend mindfulness. You can start with something like the Headspace app - it's only 15 minutes a day and free for the first month - I found it v helpful for my intrusive anxiety thoughts. Doing it can be part of the IVF project in terms of helping you both relax and keep calm.

Imagine this;

''Dear MN,

My hubby is always on his phone or pad going to some blooming forum, it's all he does, he's obsessed with it, he even logs on when I'm asleep. He's not working at the moment and all he does when I'm out at work is log into that bloody forum with his so called 'mates.' Every single question, 'he's off to the forum to see what they think', never mind what I think... what should I do?''

MN standard replies would be - LTB! Take him for ever penny, the selfish bastard, how dare he treat you like this. But not in this particular case, how curious :)

OP, can you imagine how long she'd spend on MN once your lovely wife is pregnant? There's potentially millions more hours to be lost there! Like any addiction / obsession, she needs to get a grip and regulate.

MN has supported me through some of the biggest hardest things I've ever faced so I get where she is coming from including pregnancy loss, pnd and a sick child. The support is amazing but you can get absorbed in this online life. No help really.

Trying to have a baby is her project OP. It is taking up 110% of her head space right now. It wont be by choice and she wont be enjoying the fact.

When DH and i were struggling TTC it did turn into an obsession for me, and this did risk my marriage to some extent. Or at least put it under great strain.

I frequented a few TTC forums and also a particular board here on MN at one point. I don't want to go into the whys and wherefores, but i can honestly say that the support i received from these 'strangers' saved my sanity and, ironically, my marriage. Your wife is using MN as an outlet for all her questions and worries and grief at the failure so far. This is taking a great deal of the strain which would otherwise flow your way.

If DH had decided i had to 'find a project' or only allow me 'one session a day' with the people who were supporting me - i recon we'd have split. Tread carefully with this. I'm glad you've had your chat. You've had your say - now leave her alone to do what she feels best.

Good luck with the IVF