How on earth can I stop being a people pleaser?

[HateFunfairs]

My father has severe anger issues and spent most of my childhood either sulking or shouting. My mother spent my whole childhood appeasing him, tiptoeing around him or being unpleasant to me because my dad was being unpleasant to her.

As a result I am very much a people pleaser; I hate confrontation, in fact it frightens me, and I think I am so conditioned to 'not upsetting' people because as a child I had to avoid upsetting my parents at all costs.

I am in my thirties now and really want to stop being a people pleaser. I feel like it holds me back. I end up doing things all the time that I don't want to do because I'm scared of upsetting the person doing the asking. I am often on the fence about things at work as I'm scared to speak up.

I have only tried saying no to people a couple of times and each of those times it totally went wrong as the people I said no to didn't take it well at all and ended up falling out with me majorly!

Has anyone got any tips as to how I can stop it?

I would love to know too. I have gradually learned not to do this in a lot of situations, but I think it is hardwired into me.

A lot of it is down to practice and repetition. First time you say no or stand up for yourself, people majorly fall out with you and it's upsetting. Repeat it often enough and the sting goes out of it. Plus others start to get the message that you're not some pushover.

Worth persevering

Another thought..... Practice being assertive (which is what you're aiming for) in situations with people who don't matter to you. Send something back in a restaurant, for example, or demand attention from a shop assistant. Work your way up.

Yep ^^ and man people do absolutely fall out with you. But you put them in the box saying freeloaders and don't give them another thought.

The more you say no the easier it gets and people stop taking the piss and you stop feeling like a mug.

I must admit to using the chuggers etc who come to the door for practice

Perhaps remember that the people who react badly to a 'no' from you won't be anybody that you really want to know anyway - they'll be the people who are trying to take advantage of you. Lovely people won't do that.

Alos, keep in mind that you are putting your own needs first from now on - not somebody else's needs.

Have you perhaps made friends with people who are friends with you precisely because you always give them what they want? I had a friend like this. The time I said no was the time we stopped being friends. She actually sent me to Coventry to punish me, actually emailed me to tell me this. I am so glad she is out of my life. You are better off without people like that
OP.

Will have to try some of your suggestions Cogito.
'People pleaser' is my middle name too.
I dread sales people etc at the front door. Managed to mumble to the Avon Lady that I don't wear much make up (which is true), then made an effort a couple of days later with some lipstick and bumped into her, walking to school. Oh the shame!
My blood pressure probably rises a lot when DH complains to anyone and I'm certain it goes stratospheric when I miss answering the ruddy phone. Stupid really.
I'm the English person the Dutch laugh at for apologising when walking into an empty room.
Would love to be Phoebe from friends whenever she says 'Sorry, I can't....because I don't want to' :-)
Perhaps some cognitive behavioural therapy, that someone mentioned on one of my threads?

I think with the sales people at the door, the trick is to say 'sorry I'm not interested' in a way that is sufficiently polite enough for the ok ones, without giving any sort of way in to the ones who will take advantage. Therefore, no excuses (like not wearing makeup) or justifications. Just close the conversation asap and shut the door.

This is still a work in progress as I am trying to make it more definite and assertive and not like I want to run away. They do catch you out at the most inconvenient times.

There are some good online CBT sites, I think maybe mood gym has an assertiveness section.

I am a bit like this myself. I worry so much about what people think of me- even for example people serving me in a cafe!

One thing that has helped me is being married to someone who just doesn't give a shit about what the majority of people think of him. I use the way he would act as an example and it does help. I see that he is free from the anxiety of worrying about what people's reactions will be. He is good for a pep talk too.

Can you think of a role model who behaves the way you would like to? (If not in real life a character from book/tv/film?)

Try to 'fake it 'til you make it' ie until it becomes a habit for you.

I find it helps me to rehearse what I am going to say and the tone of voice I will use. Even body language.

I was guilty of this myself. Had a similar childhood and an abusive husband. Really made me re evaluate. Having children helped because i realised i didn't want them to be doormats either and they need to learn from my example.

Saying no to people doesn't need to be rude. It can be done politely. You just have to ask how you would take it if you were the recipient of the 'no'.

People that react badly to it weren't worth the hassle. You don't want friendships based on you doing exactly what someone else wants.

A lot of vague answers are your friend...

I wish i could but i can't unfortunately.

I can't make it this time, maybe next time.

I've had a long week and am looking forward to a chilled weekend/night. etc

I just worry incessantly about upsetting people.

Things like going along with suggested plans even though they don't suit me.

Feeling that I have to 'like' every comment that everyone makes on my FB statuses and photos

Listening to hours on end to other people going on and on about themselves and not having the tenacity to remove myself from the situation.

I'm a people pleaser myself and realised it was because I was always trying to make up for something that I'd never be able to appease for.

I just fell out with my mum for standing up to her about another visit being planned to us that we genuinely don't have time for or desire for.. Me and my partner are very introvert and are finding the more we go along with things the more our boundaries are being overstepped.

I hate people making out like I'm a freak for not wanting to go to a get together or shopping trip, or even to see my own mother every time she graces us with her presence.

I feel terribly guilty though and mull it over for days on end, it's like I can't win either way.. I'm hoping that in time it will just become normal.

I'm a very confident person day to day, I guess I just grew up learning to put others' feelings first and buried my own emotions.

www.amazon.co.uk/Assertiveness-Earth-Angels-Loving-Instead/dp/1401928811/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423853190&sr=1-1&keywords=assertiveness+for+earth+angels

This book I find very helpful.

Oh, there it is!

I've got better at stalling - or being downright rude!

"I'll have to check my diary"

"Let me get back to you about that"

And to strangers or acquaintances who brazenly ask me for money:

"Do I look like your mother?!"

Practice some choice phrases in a mirror, thus:
"You have mistaken me for someone who gives a shit".
"I'd rather stick needles in my eyes".
"Do I look like I give a fuck?" and so forth. Obviously, you won't using them immediately, but they'll get you into the habit of insouciant rudeness.

The other thing that I never do, which again boils down to people pleasing is I never stick up for myself in front of others as I think the others will think badly of me for standing up for myself.

I went on a hen weekend a few years ago and one woman took a dislike to me and was horrible and catty, but I didn't say a word in retaliation as I thought everyone else would think badly of me for standing up to her.

A mum at my DCs school regularly says unpleasant things to me at school collection, but again I don't say anything back as I worry about what the other mums would think.

I just worry incessantly about upsetting people
A comment from someone you know with strong opinions will be duly considered by the receiver, one from a people pleaser will mean much less/be ignored. So I think you over rate your ability to upset people.

Things like going along with suggested plans even though they don't suit me

Useful MN response is 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me' - they might be rude enough to ask what you are doing then you answer 'I need to check my diary'.

If you look online there's stuff about public speaking - mouth exercises and breathing advice. If you practice you will sound more confident.

says unpleasant things to me at school collection
Once you can speak loud and clearly you use the other MN favourite 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

If you think you are a meek little mouse you will act like one you need to change your attitude and toughen up.

Try it here first.

Nc and post the way you think you ought to speak in RL.
Good practice.

Find other friends who are recovering people pleasers and allow yourselves to please one another whilst respecting one another's boundaries- it can be a lovely relationship that, competing over how much you can do to be nice to one another whilst being aware of not letting the other over extend themselves. This gives you a safe outlet for that side of your personality, let's you see how decent people would respond to your efforts and this makes it easier to spot and deal with the chancers/exploiters, as you have nice people to go back to!

The thing is, you don't have to be rude back when someone is rude to you. Simply saying 'what a rude thing to say!!' is true, but not a response which makes you 'as bad as her' which I suspect is what you fear. And if she snaps back 'it's true though', then you say 'that's your opinion' and the dialogue is over with you having brushed her aside. It takes practice if it doesn't come naturally, but you'll feel much better about yourself.
Also, anticipate scenarios where you will be leant/put upon, and try to steer away from them. It feels so good when you do!

I must admit I think all this 'did you mean to be so rude' 'no is a complete sentence' etc is quite aggressive and I wouldn't do that, at least not to start with. I would use them only if normal approaches fail, it would make me feel uncomfortable though. It's about assertiveness and I frequently get praised by others in this area so here goes:

• When you first meet someone the important thing is do you like them? Unless the answer is yes it cannot possibly matter if they like you or not.
• Make an initial judgement but give them a few months trial, if you detect stories that don't add up, bullshitting then cool things off.
• Never say no at work if you can avoid it. Always offer a solution, it is much harder for people to argue with. So boss asks can you do this this afternoon? You say 'I have x and y to do today, which out if x, y and z is the biggest priority? OK z well you tell that to boss number two and I'll get on with it now. Or 'I will block out some time tomorrow morning, its the earliest possible'
• If you volunteer for anything (eg pta) also adopt approach above. So can you help at the school fete? 'I've got both boys on my own that day unfortunately but I can help at the disco in 2 weeks'.
• When people start hinting dont rise to the bait. Just smile and change the subject. Real friends will ask outright and not be offended if you say no. Offering to pick up someone's child you barely know because they complain at the bus stop that they have no childcare for Friday is a 'oh well, so what are you doing at the weekend' response from me. If a friend asks OK, but randoms no and especially no if they have set off some alarm bells as per point 2.

Good luck