How on earth can I stop being a people pleaser?

[HateFunfairs]

My father has severe anger issues and spent most of my childhood either sulking or shouting. My mother spent my whole childhood appeasing him, tiptoeing around him or being unpleasant to me because my dad was being unpleasant to her.

As a result I am very much a people pleaser; I hate confrontation, in fact it frightens me, and I think I am so conditioned to 'not upsetting' people because as a child I had to avoid upsetting my parents at all costs.

I am in my thirties now and really want to stop being a people pleaser. I feel like it holds me back. I end up doing things all the time that I don't want to do because I'm scared of upsetting the person doing the asking. I am often on the fence about things at work as I'm scared to speak up.

I have only tried saying no to people a couple of times and each of those times it totally went wrong as the people I said no to didn't take it well at all and ended up falling out with me majorly!

Has anyone got any tips as to how I can stop it?

so what I'm saying is assertiveness isn't the same as confrontation. I also try not to upset people.

I second the idea of finding a friend who is trying to reduce their own people pleasing and discussing the journey together. Or here even. I find people who react badly to your no tend to be emotional blackmailers or have poor boundaries themselves and they need to be minimised anyway. Stalling (I'll check my diary and get back to you etc, I'll have a think about it, can't decide today, doesn't work for me...) work really well. Also. Texting after you've agreed, to say you've had a think and it doesn't suit after all can work too. Good luck, I am in progress with this and is is soooooooooo fricking liberating.

Another one outing myself as a people pleaser in the process of being my own best friend . In CBT I've realised the extent to which I've compromised myself over many years because of some pretty unhelpful beliefs.

So I have shed a fair few stone in weight in the form of free-loaders, bullshitters, and those who take the piss generally - and it's great actually. I agree on all the advice re: gradually exposing yourself to stalling and saying no in various contexts and building up to those which feel the most threatening. It does throw people who are used to you just rolling with everything but as PP's have said that will sort the wheat from the chaff very quickly. There's no call for being obnoxious either because the opposite of a people pleaser isn't unkindness to others, it's assertiveness and positive self regard.

Good luck!

A book called Your Assertive Right was recommended to me and it is helpful for dipping in and out of. I'd recommend that.

Buying some time before agreeing to do something is helpful. I used to say Yes to stuff then think oh I wish I hadn't, I really can't be bothered / don't want to drive all that way or whatever so even saying Let's arrange something closer to the time has been quite helpful as a first step...!!!

Maybe worth telling a friend or your DP you're working on this and trying out some phrases / approaches.

For the big stuff (when I felt I was being pressurised into not saying no to an old school friend) I'd write something down (4/5 sentences) to have in front of me to reinforce when I spoke to her on the phone.

I also have a friend who's extremely assertive and frank. Sometimes I think what would she say in this situation... Often it's 'I'm terribly sorry, that's just not going to work for me' and that seems to be enough for her!! Good luck on this journey.

Not suggesting that you did this, but I took on a managerial job in my company. Instantaneous non people pleasing! Stepped down after the best part of a year but it has cured my people pleasing tendencies as it forced me to have uncomfortable conversations with staff every day!