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Original poster

For when you really cant stay any longer...

42 replies

ebbie22 · 22/10/2006 22:41

Would you stay for the sake of your children?
I dont think i could leave with them without breaking there hearts[or at least dd}or my dh,and he is a great dad,but i just dont think i can live with him anymore....
Little bit more bout us:
have been together 7 yrs,married for 3
Have a house and 2 great children who are both the apple of our eyes...
But there is 7 yrs between us and have always had a rocky relationship..i just would like some advice really...

OP posts:
QuootieSpookypie · 22/10/2006 22:44

Far better the children grow up with 2 seperated, but happy parents, than 2 unhapy ones together.... have you tried RELATE? Or are you 100% sure its over?

nutcracker · 22/10/2006 22:48

TBH I think it is almost an impossibility to stay with someone just for the children, and anyway, 2 people staying together when they don't want to be is not good for the children is it.

I split with my P in Feb of this year. After around 4/5 months I decided to let him come back, thought I could make myself be fine with living with him forever as long as it made my kids happy, but I just couldn't, I felt so emotionally knackered at having to try and play happy families, and it did have an effect on my kids as I was miserable all the time.

We have now split again, my choice and I am pleased and happy about that. My life is hard at the moment but at least I can relax with my kids, without having to keep up the pretence that everything is fine. My kids seem happier too.

Original poster
ebbie22 · 22/10/2006 22:54

Thank you both...
Its not that i dont love him[just not sure if still in love with him]..
We just have different views on everything,we still have fun together but more unhappy times then not...
He is a grt dad,but even then i feel him slacking in certain areas where he was once so gd at..
Two years ago i was more than happy for relate but i dont think it would solve anything in the long term...nc did you have a house together?

OP posts:
QuootieSpookypie · 22/10/2006 22:54

have you tried a trial seperation?

Original poster
ebbie22 · 22/10/2006 22:58

we did in may for 6 days,i was so happy,and the dc got put in a routine[i used to let them stay up to see dh]..Dh stayed at a mates,near his work,that wkend we had a grt time as we had booked his mum to have kiddies which we went out for a mates bday....
But really a wk doesnt help you,it just isnt long enough...

OP posts:
QuootieSpookypie · 22/10/2006 22:59

how aboutsomething like 3 or 6 months? with the view to something more permanant?

Original poster
ebbie22 · 22/10/2006 23:01

but how do i go about that?without selling the house?just cant afford to rent somewhere and pay a morgage..

OP posts:
QuootieSpookypie · 22/10/2006 23:03

can your DH move in with him mum for a few months?

Original poster
ebbie22 · 22/10/2006 23:05

No way....mum isnt that close and is on benifits so would prob lose them if he moved in...oh what do i do...Its not even like i want him to go as i have all of his stuff around us constantly...

OP posts:
QuootieSpookypie · 22/10/2006 23:09

have you tried... having a seperation in your own home? Seperate rooms? You dont sound 100% sure you want to split...

waitingtillafterxmas · 22/10/2006 23:13

ebbie

I know just how you feel, I have been with DH 15 years, married for nine. 4.5 years ago he walked out, (we went to relate) and 8 months after I took him back, we had another ds together,

But since the beginning of this year I have been unhappy,

About 2 months ago I told him I wanted out, there are a few family issues going on at the moment, so I have agreed to let the kids have a good xmas & ds2 a good birthday, and will start making the changes in the new year.

There isnt anyone else involved.

I just feel that our relationship has run its cause, I do love him but not enough to keep a relationship going, I'm not in love with him anymore, and I wouldnt stay for the kids and I would be sniping at them because of him and start resenting him and disliking him.

I want things to keep as amicable as they can, as I will still have to see him etc.

He is sort of in denial saying he cant understand why I'm doing this, he's not an evil/cruel man, blah blah. And thinks that he has these 2.5 months to win me round, unfortunately I have already made my mind up, I want out.

Nutty - hope you are ok (my name has been changed) but we used to chat, my friends live round the corner where you used to live (reddicap) hope you are happier now you have made the split.

Original poster
ebbie22 · 22/10/2006 23:15

I know what i want to do but i dont want to hurt anyone....Which i know is going to happen sooner or later either way..confused?so am i..

Its not that i dont love sharing a bed etc its just the run of the mill that i hate,never doing anything together,me doing most if not all of the house work..getting everything ready[kids included ]if we go out somewhere..
To arrange for his mum to come over to have the kids,so we can go out..
I suppose i just wanted to know if it can be done,can you split up and still be a little happyier then u once were?

OP posts:
nutcracker · 22/10/2006 23:19

Waitingtilafterxmas - Am now racking my brains trying to remember who you are . I do remember about the friends living by the reddicap, but thats it. I have such mush for brains lately, sorry.

Ebbie - Me and xp were joint tennants on a housing association property so it wasn't too bad. He could have kicked up a fuss about me making him leave as his had as much rights to be in the house as me, but thankfully he didn't.

Original poster
ebbie22 · 22/10/2006 23:21

yes you sound just like me...
WE too have lots on our plate and the timing of saying things is always wrong[on my part]but i just cant hold it in any longer..
I do still care about him so much and it does make my heart break just thinking about the things we will no longer do as a familly but is that a reason to stay?

OP posts:
waitingtillafterxmas · 22/10/2006 23:25

Nutty - dont worry about it, I wont take it personally, its been ages since we chatted on MSN

Ebb - I dont think staying for the family is a good idea, and it causes resentment and hurtsful things can be said and the kids can sense things

Original poster
ebbie22 · 22/10/2006 23:29

even after 3 yrs of marrige?

OP posts:
waitingtillafterxmas · 22/10/2006 23:36

I've been married for 9 years, we did try relate the last time and it worked. But this time it cant see a way forward together. It has basically died and cant be resurrected

notasheep · 22/10/2006 23:38

Ebbie-a very similar thing is going on here-i am standing on the same bridge trying to pluck up the courage to dive in the river(but i cant swim)
The way i am trying to sort stuff out in my own mind is to look at every single situation and think would it be the same if i wasnt with dp? and the answer is a big yes.
We can give masses of advice,and also girlfriends in real life but may be speaking to someone else(not Relate but a counsellor,therapist) could help you make your mind up.
I dont think being married for 3 years has anything to do with should you stay together or not

Goldie · 22/10/2006 23:42

Ebbie - you sound as though you still have some deep feelings for your DH but day-to-day life is getting you down. You say you still have fun with him, but the run-of-the-mill stuff is what is killing you.
That is SO exactly the sort of stuff that Relate or another relationship counsellor could help you sort out. It sounds to me like you have a great basis for a r'ship if you could just get some things more the way you want them. Learn to communicate better together, etc. Believe me, I know about struggling in a difficult marriage but I have committed myself to being here for the long haul and that makes you find a way to sort it out. I know that it is possible for those positive and loving feelings for a partner to come back, remarkably quickly, when some issues are sorted out.

Why not give it a try? At least then you will know you have tried absolutely everything and can leave with a clearer conscience than if you know there was something else you could have tried but didn't.

waitingtillafterxmas · 22/10/2006 23:42

I agree

I've spoken to galfriends and male friends and they are all very suportive but basically its all down to you.

Original poster
ebbie22 · 22/10/2006 23:49

I know i should try relate but to be honest i dont think it would solve anything that i didnt already know in my heart....because after we have spoken to someone,it will still go on behind closed doors....
I have to go to sleap now but i do welcome the advice and will take it with me whatever happens..pls keep on with your own words xxx,its nice to have someone to talk to that doesnt know us[as such]

OP posts:
waitingtillafterxmas · 23/10/2006 16:47

Ebb - as I said it worked the first time as DH never really spoke about his feelings, so I found out a hell of a lot and because there is someone there mediating, you get to say what you want without being interrupted.

But this time round I dont think it will work, before DH walked out, but wasnt sure what he wanted, so we think he just needed time to be away from the family and access his life. This time its me that wants out, and I dont want to stay, I am 100% sure I want out, my only worries are money obviously and the affect on my boys, but sadly I cant think of them in this situation, if I'm happy they will be in the long run, if I stay I will be miserable and so will they.

so thats how I look at it, their sadness will only last a short while, once they adjust to having Mommy in 1 house and daddy in another, they are resillisent as kids are.

I'll keep posting on here and checking to see how you are, you can always post if you fancy a chat too.

Quadrofiendia · 23/10/2006 17:39

Hi ebbie, your post could be mine, in fact I was just plucking up the courage to post when i read yours. It used to be my home which prevented me from ending our relationship, but I'm not even sure I care if we lose it anymore. I really wish you luck in making your decision but you are probably delaying the inevitable.

Judy1234 · 23/10/2006 18:39

I stayed for the children for a good few years until the older ones were individually lobbying me to get rid of him which then made it a lot easier.

Original poster
ebbie22 · 23/10/2006 21:44

Tonight i cant chat as so tired and within eye shot...though thank you all for you exsperiences and advice,pls keep them coming....
I think things will have to wait til after xmas as its not fair on the kids with both there bdays coming up in dec,esp a 1st....
I have so much to say but tonight is not right for me to say it....
Have a gd evening xxx

OP posts:
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