For when you really cant stay any longer...

[ebbie22]

Would you stay for the sake of your children?
I dont think i could leave with them without breaking there hearts[or at least dd}or my dh,and he is a great dad,but i just dont think i can live with him anymore....
Little bit more bout us:
have been together 7 yrs,married for 3
Have a house and 2 great children who are both the apple of our eyes...
But there is 7 yrs between us and have always had a rocky relationship..i just would like some advice really...

Ebbie

After Relate, things can change behind closed doors.

Every relationship goes through bad times / boring times and good ones too. I can see why you don't want to be in a relatoinship that is dragging you down and where you've become disillusioned with him, and it. But both of you can change any and all of the things that aren't working, if you are both prepared to work at it. All relationships get to points where things aren't as rosy as they used to be. PLease please go to Relate and aim to sort it out, have a trial separation if need be, but don't give up until you've hand on heart tried everything, in my view, you owe it to your marriage vows and your kids not to.

Sorry if i have confused you guys,let me try to explain....as tonight i have a little bit of time...
Without going into too much detail on here..
I do love dh,for the children we have and for the good times that we have exsperienced together but when things fall apart we end up in different directions,we dont support each other...
I love it when we spend time together but it has been so long since we have done that,i dont know what that is anymore....I dont know who i am,and hate who i have become....
We are two very different people,and we can get on great[for a weekend or two],but when we fight we hold onto the past,i am more guilty of that then dh,and although its best to forgive and forget,as of yet i cant do that and as a result,i have given up on what dh can do and seem to put him down[as does sometimes he about me]...
We dont go to bed at the same time,and he rarely helps out around the house...At wkends i want to be out all the time[which doesnt help get things done]as i am fed up of doing everything on my own.....
I am in love with the memeries that i have of us,and for maybe who we both once were....

We did talk last night and come jan we will be living apart,I dont know how yet as everything is up in the air...

I would like us,if not just me to get some marrige guidience,and to work at it,as i dont think u should take it lightly,but saying that i need to know that i am staying with dh because i love him,not because im scared i cant do it on my own.....

Is it asking to much to still see each other while on trail seperations??
Ie going on cinema trips,meals etc...

You sound quite clear about where you are in your relatoinship, and I think your plan is a really good one as you're working out a way to see what the problem is and whether it can be resolved. If you have a trial separation, and meet up in that time (date again) I guess you will see whether you falll back in love with him and see the things that first brought you together. And if that works, you'll have the motivation to work on the things that have have gone bad between you.

I'd really encourage you to go to Relate, together if at all possible, if not on your own, also they do a good book "staying together - from crisis to deeper commitment" by Susan Quilliam which explains why you feel like you do, and the reasons why people fall out of love.

Your situation sounds familiar to me (I know it's not the same and I know only a little of your situation) and I guess I am biased towards wanting people to resolve this stuff as I am very pro-marriage) - but what you are saying now about your dh is almost exactly what my dh was saying to me December last year. Shock of my life - Broke my heart. We lived apart for 3 months, went to Relate, and started again literally from the dating stage (bit bloody odd after 15 years!, I can tell you) Now we are (slightly fragile ) but actually at the same time stronger than we ever were before and with the tools to sort out problems. We didn't understand why things had changed but with relate we got to understand why they did. And it's like when we first met now - but older and a hell of a lot wiser.

It sounds from your post like you love him, so please give it a go and I hope you find the right solution for you, whatever that is

Thanks,I am sure i do love him[somewhere in this heart],and i cant imagine being with anybody else to pass away my time with,but i know i cant carry on like this,i owe more to him and my kids....
I want to know that i have given it my best shot,but to do this i need to find out who i am again[i also think the same goes or dh]..
I really feel that fate brought us together and maybe if anything has kept us going as long as we have...I am unsure what will happen in that time r where[other than mn]to go for advice and help...

sorry to ask,but,did you and ur dh go to relate together?

We did. For me the counsellor helped us to communicate in such a way that I understood what he was really trying to tell me. For him it was a way of expressing what he felt without feeling responsible for my emotions - and boy did I have a lot of those! Basically a third person in the room helps proper communication - and they do challenge when one of you has unreasonable beliefs / expectations.

And she taught us some helpful techniques - such as writing down separately what we needed / felt on certain issues then coming together to discuss and negotiate, also stating on a scale of 1-10 how strongly you feel about something ( only works if you are both honest

Thank u,all of you for ur advice....Do any of you know where i go next?

Be true to yourself.You can still love him even if you want to end the relationship.Thats where i am at,in a situation very like yours.

i would agree with others regarding counselling-doesnt have to be relate.I am seeing one on Monday who is a bit alternative-and looks deeply at the relationship with my Father.

Women love too much,its natural for us.Some even love their partners when they are being punched in the face on a regular basis.

how are u??are u still with your parner??

Went to Relate last week for first consultation last week,but i feel that i have made my mind up and plan to tell dp on January 2nd.

I DO LOVE HIM and it will be so tough but i want trust,responsibility,someone to rely on and be there for me.

dont rush to make a decision

oh sorry to hear that,but you sound like you know what u want....
Im not going to rush into anything but i have been completly open with dh,and so anything can happen,i hope or seperations brings us closer than we have ever been but if it doesnt then we need to behave like adults and do whats best for all of us,esp our children...
Have u got children too?

thank u,i sound hopeful but am crapping it really..

ebbie-Exactly-behaving like adults is the way forward.
dd is 6 and ds is 2

floating head-you have a good memory,i was hoping my leopard would change its spots but that impossible