Page 2 | DP does nothing? - how did this come about

BreakingDad77 · 2015-02-12T15:00:54+00:00

These threads or variations seem fairly common I'm just curious was it like this at the start of the relationship and you moved in together or was it when you had kids? or just seemed to happen?

cailindana · 14/02/2015 06:48

Would anybody go to their paid job while vomiting Wackadoodle? They might, but they'd get sent home. Because going to work is optional. Having somebody to look after your children is not optional - you can't just say 'I'm too ill, I won't bother today.' Someone has to do it. It seems that by working many men feel they get neatly out of that one. Mother does it, no matter what, no matter how sick she is. You can be sure those men won't be getting up to go to work or to tend children while vomiting - they've opted out of that hardship of parenting. In essence nothing changes for many men when children come along - go to work, stay at home in bed if ill. Many women on the other hand are expected to never have a single minute off, ill or not.

RessyMedHair · 14/02/2015 12:31

I was asked once at interview how I would manage if one of the children were ill, what with my being single. I didn't like the interviewer's attitude, and I answered the question from the heart, knowing as I said it he wouldn't like me or my answer and wouldn't give me the job. I told him that if I was in a better position than many of my married friends as I wasn't relying on a father who wouldn't step up and take 50% of the responsibility for having children. I told the interviewer that children's career was doing very well as he was never, ever missed anything work-related for the children.
so I told the interviewer that my children had something more useful than a career-focused father, they had maternal grandparents that could be relied upon for full support.

I said this quite cheerfully. He was squirming. And doh, surprise surprise, He didn't give me the job.

RessyMedHair · 14/02/2015 12:31

children's father's career (typo)

Finola1step · 14/02/2015 12:42

I work with a number of women who will ask their husbands to "babysit" if they want to go out. Young women in their 20s and 30s.

Every time I hear it, I challenge. I simply say "But a parent can not babysit their own child". I sound like a broken record.

But I have to challenge it. It's my own little personal stand.

RessyMedHair · 14/02/2015 18:50

Carry on!

or else say to the women, you babysitting tonight then?

chrome100 · 14/02/2015 19:28

I do 99% of the housework (no kids). The reason is because my standards are higher and it's easier for me to just do it than wait until he does. Plus I don't think housework takes that long.

When I feel myself getting resentful - which does happen from time to time - I ask myself how I'd feel if I lived with someone who had higher standards than me and who would nag me to clear up when I didn't feel it was necessary. I'd hate it! I think it's far better to just keep the peace and mop every so often.

Handywoman · 14/02/2015 19:34

Hmmm. I will probably get flamed for this, but I think the issue of housework is qualitatively and quantitively different when children come along.

BathtimeFunkster · 14/02/2015 19:50

The reason is because my standards are higher

I can't believe you fell for that one!

It's on page 2 of The Lazy Shirker's Handbook, right after Strategic Incompetence.

Hypotenuse · 14/02/2015 19:54

I do sometimes wonder if the women talking about getting sick of their partner and leaving him are talking about a handful of the same men. They're just going round and round the female population, finding women willing to take them on until the women are so infuriated they pass him on to the next poor person. I certainly don't know of any men in my circle of friends who are terrible partners, they all pull their weight as they should as far as I can tell! Myself and two friends are all on Mat leave and our husbands still do housework. I have to stop myself apologising for a messy house when my husband gets home. Of course it's messy, I'm looking after our two children there!

Acroyoga · 14/02/2015 23:10

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angstyaunty · 14/02/2015 23:41

DH is great with baby care - he and DS go everywhere together, he does bath and stories every night etc. But he is so bloody messy, and I am sick of picking up his crap. And if he ever cleans anything (only after prompting from me), it is barely noticeable. Both my PILs are squalid hoarders, so sadly DH has an incredibly skewed awareness of what 'clean and tidy' is. And I also think he has been conditioned 'not to touch the hoard', which means he has developed a blindness to mess and disorder. Or am I just excusing laziness? It causes me a lot of frustration...

RandomMess · 14/02/2015 23:55

I think I was so determined to not be like my mother, I stamped my foot a lot and insisted dh did 50% of everything chore related.

It meant when I was working away regularly I could just walk out the door and leave him to it, you know like most men would do

RessyMedHair · 14/02/2015 23:58

chrome all I can say is, cop on love.

Before you have children you need to start equalising the burdens. Otherwise you will wake up one day with two under two and your 'fantasy' will be that he dies in a motor bike crash and you hire a cleaner with the life assurance.

HopeClearwater · 15/02/2015 00:40

RessyMedHair so good to hear someone say it like it is. Thank you

RessyMedHair · 15/02/2015 00:49

Thanks, I wondered if I'd overstepped a line there. (2 glasses of wine under my belt here)

dashoflime · 15/02/2015 01:16

In my case, me and DH were both lazy slobs when we met. I stepped up when Ds was born- DH didn't.
I have some sympathy with the "don't see mess\dont realise what needs doing" line because I was genuinely like that back in my lazy slob days. I was clueless as to what and how often things needed doing, perplexed at why my housemates were pissed off at me and resigned to living in filth even while also being constantly slightly down about it. I would clean a flat at the end of a tenancy and then look around it sadly thinking how much more I would have enjoyed living there if only I had kept it like that all the time.
Just before Ds was born, I realised this wasn't good enough and a child deserved a clean, safe environment. I signed up for flylady and learned how to keep to a routine. I'm still not great but washing up, laundry and basic tidying happens every day. Proper cleaning happens once a week. I normally know what needs doing.
DH views my housework as some kind of bizarre personal eccentricity I think. He persists in "not seeing" what needs doing and responds to my requests that he step up by requesting me to organise and schedule him. I have explained that I just a messy person, the same as him- but I have learnt not to be. I have run him through the things that helped.
Recently I had a big shout at him. He was hurt that I was "picking on him" but I have been saying the same stuff for 2 and a half years in a nicer, more encouraging way and he has not been listening.
There has been a marked improvement since then but I know he will fall back into his old ways before long.
I agree with the pp about choosing what to see as obligatory. I have taken on housework as an obligation- he still feels that its optional.

minicar · 15/02/2015 02:01

I was very relaxed in general on cleaning standards because wanted to enjoy life outside house a little more. Husband on the contrary used to have such high standards that I thought I could not keep up. Turns out if he is the one doing it, the standards are very low. He believed that all women like their house clean as a priority. But I would say its easy to have expectations from anyone else. I become the nagging partner if I insist that he needs to do more.

There is no winning when one is raised thinking that all he has to do is go to work and that is where he needs to be best to be appreciated. For his mum, dh earning money was the biggest of things, relationship etc come second so he believes he is doing his best and is to be appreciated when he wants to sacrifice everything for work, including family time. So I'm at a loss.

minicar · 15/02/2015 02:03

RessyMedHair just wish I had the guts to say that out loud.

KikiShack · 15/02/2015 08:41

Another voice here saying that not all men are like this.

DP has higher standards than me so over the years we have a) hired a cleaner b) I have learned to make an effort to try and do things he thinks are standard like wipe worksurfaces after loading the dishwasher c) we have developed a friendly non-critical way to communicate when he thinks I need to up my game a bit.
We found the housework burden increased a lot after DD arrived but because he is a sensible thoughtful man who genuinely cares about me he listened when I told him how hard it was just staying on top of breastfeeding / naps / washing vomity clothes / playing with DD all day.
And he would never come home and expect me to keep working while he sat on his arse! If I'm looking worn out he tells me to sit down while he tidies and does dinner, as he's just been sat on a train relaxing on his commute home. Otherwise we do these jobs together while chatting about our days.
We give each other a lie in absolutely rigorously fairly every few weekends, other days we get up together and share jobs.
It helps that DP works 4 days a week and has DD one day himself so really understands what solo parenting is like (I work 3 days and have her twice, nursery twice).
Not a stealth boast post, I'm giving this much detail because I think we split things fairly and tbh I think this is really the minimum that any woman should expect. I don't think DP's parents modelled this sort of equality for him, I think it was a combination of him being a lovely thoughtful man and thinking about what was fair, plus me being quite open from the beginning about what I expect from a partner. Plus me being naturally more on the untidy side probably helps tbh as it means our starting point was differently skewed from the norm I suppose?

cailindana · 15/02/2015 09:48

Basically DWH if you want to find out why women end up exhausted with two small children, the house a tip and a partner that does nothing read chrome's post. It's there in a nutshell.
Housework doesn't take long when it's just two adults but add a baby or two in that mix, babies who produce heaps of washing, who need feeding and nappy changes, who cry if you put them down so you can wash up, who stay up all night so that you're knackered and overwhelmed at the thought of cleaning a bathroom, and suddenly it's all not so simple anymore.
Then, as RMH says, you cop on a bit and realise that all the time you were 'keeping the peace' you were setting yourself up to be a total mug to a lazy disrespectful man. Besides, why would expecting someone not to treat you like a servant spoil the peace? Surely if your partner had any respect for you he would listen when you say you want him to do his fair share?

pictish · 15/02/2015 09:58

Before you have children you need to start equalising the burdens. Otherwise you will wake up one day with two under two and your 'fantasy' will be that he dies in a motor bike crash and you hire a cleaner with the life assurance.

Ha ha brilliant.

Educateme · 15/02/2015 10:28

Yes yes to 'fantasy' of car crash. I have an ex who never did anything at all in the house, at all. At the time I loved 'looking after him'.When I left of course his house was revolting in seconds. If we had had children, my life would have been unbearable. His, not so much.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 15/02/2015 10:50

angstyaunty - I know precisely how you feel. I am in the exact same situation with my DH. I am slowly getting him to come round to a more normal my way of thinking re: cleaning & tidying. I reckon I might have him tolerable by the time we retire. I am just glad we don't live in a hot country or I would fear for his/our health. I find summer very tiring as I have to pick up the slack more - but in winter I leave him to suffer the consequences of his dirty habits, as long as they don't affect me or DD.

Indantherene · 15/02/2015 11:28

We have been married 32 years. At the start we shared the chores equally. When I went on my first Mat leave we continued to share the chores because he understood that my job was now the baby, not the housework.

Things started to slip about 10 years ago. With 4 teens in the house he found it very easy to blame them for not loading the dishwasher, or leaving mess everywhere. It was only when they left that I realised he had abdicated all responsibility for everything to them.

5 years ago his job role changed and he had to work longer hours. He decided, without even mentioning it to me, that because he had to work so much that meant he didn't have to do anything at home. It took me a while to catch up with this. Following serious illness I decided to just do the same as him and see how long it would take him to step up. He didn't. Now we are in a worse mess because the state of the house is so bad I just don't even know where to start.

He started to have a go last week because I told him he needed to put the bins out; why did I always wait until he was going out of the door to remind him. I asked him why he needed reminding when bin day is the same day every week, nobody reminds me, and bins are his job. He has been a bit less arsey since .

I would never have married this version.

Mylifepart2 · 15/02/2015 11:39

Do the BBC Radio 4 "Chore Wars" calculator test....together..!!

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/4xsS4Nqzhn21v52xYdMPQqJ/womans-hour-chore-wars