Just a rant I never got to rant at the time

[butterbeerfloat]

17 weeks ago I discovered that my "D"H had been having a full blown affair throughout my entire pregnancy (was 32 weeks pregnant at the time) as well as having another affair the previous year.

I had a complete melt down and was signed off my last weeks of work, starting maternity leave immediately and went to live with my mum until the baby arrived.

Me and H are working on fixing our marriage, he's done all the things he can do to try to salvage things - no mobile, no contact, we're lucky that we've actually moved across the country and he is in a new job now (OW was at his workplace) so he goes to work and comes home and spends all free time with me and DS.

It has been and continues to be incredibly hard, we're having counselling and he's started coming with me to church and seems very interested in sorting himself the fuck out and being the husband and father we have deserved all along, although I can never see him in the same way which is very trying.

What I'm actually here to rant about seems like a ridiculous thing to be upset about in the midst of everything else I've found out, but I am still really very upset that I missed my last shifts at work and I missed my leaving party. I didn't get any gifts, balloons etc which is unimportant but I was really looking forward to having a card signed by everyone. I LOVED my job and I won't be able to return after maternity leave because we've moved too far away for me to commute. I'll miss it terribly and all the people and I had been looking forward to my send off so much I'm just so gutted it was another thing robbed from me because my H couldn't keep his dick under control.

No words of wisdom but have my first ever This sounds like such a difficult situation, with a new baby and all. Could you get in touch with your ex-colleagues and see if you can arrange something to say goodbye?

It's not a ridiculous thing to be upset about at all. It's "just" another thing to add to the whole heap of things you've lost already. I don't mean to minimise it in the slightest - it shouldn't be minimalised - but I get the feeling that you've already lost so much that this is yet another thing to add to an already large list.

If you've moved so far away, what sort of support have you got in place now? Please don't tell me that you've lost a support network too?

He fucked up so many expectations for you. That really is a shame. Are you planning to visit with beautiful wee one? Are you in touch with someone from that work?

Go and visit with your baby. Ask someone to organise a lunch with those who'd like to attend.

It's not trivial at all - you missed getting to say goodbye to that era if your life.

That is not at all silly.

Do you want to forgive him? It's all well and good that he's making such a great effort but you are not required to make things work- you did nothing wrong.

He stole a lot from you. You have every right to be angry.

Thank you for your replies and sorry for swearing.

I really like the idea of going back to have a late goodbye do, at the moment though I'd find it really difficult because I'm exclusively breastfeeding and DS guzzles and gets wind a lot and I find it hard to BF outside the home because we can't do it discretely. I also have a fast let down so he pulls off and milk is going in all directions and it's a bit of a nightmare unless we're at home and then I don't have to worry about people looking etc.

But as I won't officially be leaving the company until the end of August I may be able to have a goodbye dinner then? It is a long journey though, but maybe me and DS could stay over in a hotel. Although then I'd probably be worrying about who was in my bed at home.

Sorry that turned into waffling.

Luckily we have a lot of family where we are now so I have a lot of support from my Mum.
I really really want to make it work, I am so in love with my husband but I'm also so heart broken and in pain. We kissed the other day which is the first time since I found out and we both cried.

I know you are not asking for opinions about saving your marriage but your comment about wondering who dh will have in your bed speaks volumes.

There is zero trust and although it can be earned again you still seem in a very bad place (understandably). Are you having couples counselling? Is it helping?

Two separate affairs is incredibly worrying. How did you 'get through' last years incident?

I would be mindful that come August time you would have been away a long time and may struggle to get everyone together? Sadly often when you are on maternity leave its out of sight out of mind. I say this as someone who had been with their co. and worked closely with a few colleagues for over a decade. I had little contact when I was off and a lukewarm reception to any rendezvous I suggested when I was off.

strike through fail

Please don't apologise for ANYTHING, least of all swearing, and certainly not for "waffling" (you're not btw).

You've had so much taken from you. Perhaps it's time to start taking back as much as you can? Make plans for when you're not EBF - make sure that you have time for you.

Like Mamma, I'm concerned about the "who will be in my bed" comment. Butter you shouldn't have to live like this, with this degree of mistrust. What is he actively doing to rebuild that trust? I don't want to be pushy, and it is completely your decision, but if you've got these doubts are you sure that you want to stay with him?

Oh I don't disagree Mammanat I have NO trust in him after this. I didn't know about the previous affair until the same time I discovered this one, it came out in one of those "Give me the whole truth or there's no future for us" conversations.
I know it'll take years for me to trust him again but at this point I'm willing to try. I don't feel like we've given it our all and failed yet, only at that point will I call it quits.

Counselling was helping a lot but I have only managed one session since having DS. H has been continuing to go because he has a lot of issues. I do feel like it has helped me understand the first affair completely, things that were going on between us at the time were driving us apart (miscarriage for eg) but since deciding to TTC again and then falling pregnant with DS I really thought we were stronger than ever so I'm struggling to understand the second affair.

I think you're completely right about how I'll be out of mind now and that'll get more so with time, I think that's what makes me increasingly angry about not having my send off when I should have had it.

Thanks Fourfox I have seen how upset he is by what he's put me through, I don't think that he would do it again but I didn't think he would do this ever so I know I couldn't enjoy myself staying a night away from him because it would be going round and round my mind.

I think it is still early days yet so from the sounds of things it's common and understandable to still be in the "who even are you? How could you do this?" phase at this time. It comes and goes now though, sometimes I feel happy and in love and like we were, but it will strike again and I'll remember what he's done and then I'm broken all over again.

At the moment I definitely want to stay with him and rebuild. If over time it becomes apparent that we can't then I'll give up then but I want to know we tried our hardest to get back to what we used to be.

I'm a daughter of divorced parents and I do wish they had split earlier rather than make us all endure their fighting for years on end so I won't be putting our son through the same if we become like my parents were.

No new words of wisdom but just wanted to send you hugs and of course you have every right to be upset by this.

Much love xxx

Butter I don't recognise your username so you may have already done so, but have you had a look at the relationships board? Sadly there are a great many posters who have had similar experiences and I wondered if you might benefit from having a look?

It's pretty clear that yanbu btw - if you wanted to get this thread moved (I can't imaging anyone could/would say that yabu) then report your post and ask mnhq to pop it into relationships. Loads of practical advice and emotional support to be had x

Thanks Fourfox I think I will do that. It would be good to hear from others who have been through the same.

You are likely to get a fair few LTB responses (be warned!) but there are so many posters at such different stages that it can be useful even just to talk through your experiences.

Hi there,
we have moved this thread to Relationships as requested.

So you forgave not one but two affairs, I hope he realises how bloody lucky he is, I couldn't forgive one myself.

Sorry but he isn't trustworthy and you are right, it will take years if never to actually trust him again.

Not surprised you are angry and resentful, I think he should know he's on a very sticky wicket, one more strike and he's out!

Only thing I'd say is it's really about you trying at all, it should all be coming from him.

Oh Butter, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My situation was exactly the same, I was pg & knew something was going on for months but was lied to repeatedly.
Even when OW rang during the night there was an excuse made. Eventually I found texts on his phone and he came clean. It wasn't so much the EA it was the repeated lying. I suffered with Reactive Depression after baby was born and the whole year was a miserable mess for me.
Cue 6 years on and we have had another child and have repaired our marriage. DH did everything he could have done to fix us.

But 4 months on from initially finding out I did not believe a word out of his mouth so you can be forgiven for worrying about 'who will be in your bed'. It does not 'speak volumes' about your relationship. You are all over the place emotionally and are in no fit state to confirm what your feelings are.
You probably will not be able to view this without incredible hurt for months to come (unfortunately) so take your time and don't let anyone dictate how fast you move on from this.

I hated my DH for ruining so many things for me that year, I didn't want him in the delivery suite, the most important day of my life. I hated when he wore a certain shirt because I know he wore it on one of the nights he spent some time with OW on a work night out.

So many little things to get angry about but this is the process.
Something you trusted & believed in has died, you are grieving, anger is a part of that. Let it out and for gods sake look after yourself. BF alone is an emotionally rollercoaster never mind this on top of it.
A million congrats for BF too at this time, huge fair play.
You sound like you are doing an amazing job with your baby, that's your focus now.
He ruined this time for you, don't let him ruin another day of it. Go and meet with your old colleagues, you cannot worry about another affair at this time. You and your baby deserve more now, try enjoy what you can.
Sending my first to you also and best of luck
Xxxx

Thank you for replying.

It was especially good to hear your story minginjean and to know you've come out the other side. I'm so sorry you had to go through similar though because it really is the most pain I've ever been in. I too couldn;t decide whether I wanted him at the birth but on the day he was the only one I wanted and I was so glad he was with me.

How many years did it take for you to stop hurting so much and start trusting again? I know every experience is different but just wondering about yours.

I completely relate with the shirt thing but for me it's the lurch I get in my stomach if I see anyone in those khaki coats with fur round the hood because OW wore one.

Thank you for the congrats, it's been really difficult but I feel like my little guy DS is getting me through it.
xxx

He's had two affairs, you have been forced to move away from your old job and support network because of him and you are frightened to go and see your old friends in case someone else ends up in your bed ?

It seems to me that the only good thing to come out of your relationship is your son. You are going to come out of the fog sooner or later and wonder what else you stuck around for

OP, I'm a man and have to admit to having a slight lump in my throat on reading your first post. Your intelligence and fortitude really shines through your posts.

This might be a non-starter, but as you loved your job so much it seems a real shame that you have moved to a part of the country that means you can't go back to it.

Your OP suggested that being elsewhere is a good thing because it means that your husband doesn't have the same opportunity to cheat on you! Apologies if that's now what you meant but, as hard as it is, I think that is a terrible reason for not moving back. If he wants to cheat (and I'm afraid he has plenty of form for it) it matters not a joty whereabouts you are in the country. Please please don't rely on where you live as being your safeguard against him cheating again.

Surely if he genuinely is sorry and wants to repair things he should be prepared to move back to where your old job and support network is and find work there?

No we were always planning to move back home I just did it two weeks earlier than we'd planned because I couldn't stand being in the place it had all gone on.
The reason I won't be going back to see my old friends is the breast feeding issues but yes as I feel at the moment I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself being apart from each other for a night knowing what's gone on.

There are many good things about our relationship, this is obviously not one of them but saying the only good thing about our relationship is our son really isn't fair I'm afraid.

Thank you pompodd I should have probably made it more clear, we both started out life in the town where we are now, then we moved across the country so I could get a degree but we got stuck there as life went on, then we decided to move back home when I fell pregnant to be close to family and old friends again.

So I was always going to come here and we were always both going to get new jobs. With all that I've found out about the goings on though it has turned out very fortunate that we were able to get away, not so much because it couldn't happen again here, but that it would be even harder to get through if I had to see OW and know he was still working with OW every day IYSWIM.

He should have been the one to leave his job. Not you.

Anyway, I wish you well. You are more than entitled to rant. It seems you should have done more of it at the time as you appear to be the one to have made all the sacrifices and he is sitting pretty. That doesn't sit well with me.