Just a rant I never got to rant at the time

[butterbeerfloat]

17 weeks ago I discovered that my "D"H had been having a full blown affair throughout my entire pregnancy (was 32 weeks pregnant at the time) as well as having another affair the previous year.

I had a complete melt down and was signed off my last weeks of work, starting maternity leave immediately and went to live with my mum until the baby arrived.

Me and H are working on fixing our marriage, he's done all the things he can do to try to salvage things - no mobile, no contact, we're lucky that we've actually moved across the country and he is in a new job now (OW was at his workplace) so he goes to work and comes home and spends all free time with me and DS.

It has been and continues to be incredibly hard, we're having counselling and he's started coming with me to church and seems very interested in sorting himself the fuck out and being the husband and father we have deserved all along, although I can never see him in the same way which is very trying.

What I'm actually here to rant about seems like a ridiculous thing to be upset about in the midst of everything else I've found out, but I am still really very upset that I missed my last shifts at work and I missed my leaving party. I didn't get any gifts, balloons etc which is unimportant but I was really looking forward to having a card signed by everyone. I LOVED my job and I won't be able to return after maternity leave because we've moved too far away for me to commute. I'll miss it terribly and all the people and I had been looking forward to my send off so much I'm just so gutted it was another thing robbed from me because my H couldn't keep his dick under control.

He had the second affair because he got away with the first one, it really is as simple as that. If you did not find out, I am sure there would have other women, he sounds like a serial cheat.

I know a lot of couples do get past cheating but multiple women? I wish you luck op but if the trust cannot be regained, your be better of alone.

Ah, ok. I get it. So going back to your old job isn't really possible or desirable.

Well I really hope you manage to find a way through things. Do take it slowly. He has a lot of making up to do for you (and even then I can't imagine how you will ever be able to trust him again). A farewell dinner later in the year sounds a nice idea - presumably he or your family could do the childcare for a day or two so you could go on your own?

I'm glad if it helps a little Butter, it's good knowing sometimes we're not the only ones in a dire situation.
I remember too well that feeling in my stomach when I found out & the months afterwards but I genuinely felt better about things maybe 7-8 months after. My DH did everything he could to reassure me & to show he was genuinely sorry for his ego massage as he called it. He's not a flirty man and he went through a messy childhood with his father constantly cheating on his mother. He swore he would never be that man so his fall from grace actually shocked him. He took full responsibility even though I had a part to play in it, and I believe we all do. Marriage & child rearing is the hardest job we'll ever do and when I look back I took my eye off the ball and through our own faults and him not telling me what he needed we ended up where we were.
Fucking brutal to do what they did but I was amazed at the level of communication it opened up between us. There's the silver lining to a shitty episode.
You have a brand new little man there, he's the most important thing to you now & sounds like he's thriving. He's not being affected by any of this now and you won't get this time with him again so everything can go on the back burner for now. I found yoga great for relaxation and to take a break from the whizzing train of emotions, images, questions.
Have you tried expressing your milk yet? X

Thank you for your replies, the luck and well wishes. I'm sorry I couldn't get back sooner.

I agree with you Rebecca and it's something that keeps coming up with me when working through things. Because of how hard things were during the time of the first affair, although I absolutely hate it, I do at least understand it. This second affair, and the repetition of it, is scary, disturbing, concerning, it makes me just keep coming back to feeling bewildered of how he could do this.

I think you're right minginjean about having a part to play in it (about me, not you!). I am certainly not completely innocent as I didn't seem to see at the time of the first affair that I had been having an emotional affair through hard times with another man. I found comfort in him where I wish I'd turned to my husband. He felt rejected and then took up with OW1.

My DS is my absolute world and really the biggest reason I'm able to get out of bed in the morning! I make sure we get out and have happy times every day because I don't want him to see his mum upset, especially not because of his dad.

I've been really blessed with a good supply of milk so I have been able to express a lot actually which is sat in the freezer. Asides from being in different rooms in the building I've only been away from my son for 40 mins of his life when H thought it would be a treat for me to have a bath while he got bits from town. But I ended up running around town trying to find him, crying because I found the separation really distressing.

Oh and I will disclose something I'm really not proud of but in a previous relationship I cheated on my DP numerous times but then stopped and vowed never to do it to him or anyone else again and I never have, which is why I do believe that there is hope that my H will be faithful from now on. He says he feels like he's hit rock bottom and he cries a lot about how much he hates himself for what he's done to our family.

I wish that he had told me himself, it really bothers me that I felt something was wrong and found a few clues along the way and he said absolutely not, then it was ME who found concrete evidence. Only then did he give up all the information. For some reason I feel like I would have preferred it if he had have owned up instead of let me find out myself.

Oh Butter, you're having a tough time. What's caused the seperation issue with your son? Do you not trust his daddy with him or is it something else? Give yourself a break and take things slowly.

I'm really not sure, it could be to do with the trouble we've had getting him here. All those months of the roller-coaster of "I'm pregnant!" .. "No I'm not." then I was pregnant and lost the baby, then more months of thinking I was then I wasn't (so much time symptom spotting) and then I really was again and we had a bleeding scare and another scare where he hadn't moved in a long time and now he's here I just feel like I can't bare to be apart from him.
I'm lucky that his dad is really great with him and hands on so I do feel able to share the load with him when he's in but when they were out I really did not feel comfortable not being with him or at least in the next room.

That's a tough one sweetie, as I would not like to advise you in case I say something unhelpful at best, damaging at worst.
But can you talk to your gp about how you are feeling. You have been through a lot, so they might be able best place to advise.
I definitely felt I needed extra help and went back to dr a few months later, diagnosed with reactive depression.