Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this ok or not?

41 replies

richyricky · 11/02/2015 21:49

For a man in a long term relationship to make a new female friend through his work who he texts and talks on the phone with and meets for the odd lunch or drink? Sometimes messages very slightly flirting but no intention on either side for anything more.

Is that ok? I have read lots of threads on here that seem really split and I think this is ok but not sure how it would seem from the other side. If your partner made a new friend like this would you be ok with it?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2015 22:13

Are you the man or the new female friend?

You can't really generalise about this kind of thing. It's a very individual judgement based on a lot of criteria - not always 100% rational. How 'odd' is an odd lunch or drink? What is 'very slightly flirting'? How open is the man with his partner about this friendship? How much time is spent texting and talking? Does the man have a history of inappropriate behaviour or is he entirely trustworthy? etc

TRexingInAsda · 11/02/2015 22:21

It doesn't matter if I think it's ok, it's not my husband doing it! It's how you (or the specific couple in the situation) feel about it that's important. If it's innocent and nobody minds, great. Otherwise, not so great!

CrapBag · 11/02/2015 22:32

I'm guessing it's your DH have got made this friend and you are asking because you don't like it.

DH made a female friend at work but they bonded over the fact she was pregnant at the same time as me and he used to talk to her about it. He invited her over and she was lovely, invited us to her wedding reception etc. I was ok with this as I didn't feel she was a threat and there was no flirty undertone (not that I saw the messages anyway). Shame she moved further away really.

In your situation, I wouldn't like it. No need to have any flirty undertones. It may be harmless now but that doesn't mean it it won't escalate in the future.

aglassofmandms · 11/02/2015 22:47

I have formed a friendship with a guy at work. He is happily married and loves his wife dearly, has a daughter. We text loads. He gives me dating advice. And has become a confident. That's it. It's a friendship and one that's been beneficial to me.

For me, I think that women can build friendships with men, just as they can with women.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 11/02/2015 22:49

Not ok with me due to the 'slightly flirty' thing.
But it doesn't matter what's ok with me - it matters to the two people in the long-term relationship wherever they set their boundaries.

TheGirlInTheGlass · 11/02/2015 22:49

Honestly? I trust my husband, wouldn't presume to tell him who to be friends with, and wouldn't let him dictate to me if I suddenly met a new friend. I WOULD feel jealous if he confided in someone more than me.
It's sad that the new friend's gender has to come into this though, and we are suspicious of opposite-sex friends when same-sex ones could prove just of much as a threat to a relationship.

brightreddress · 11/02/2015 22:49

No - it's going too far.

brightreddress · 11/02/2015 22:51

Just imagine if the texts were written notes, as they would have been in the olden days. Nope not ok.

TRexingInAsda · 11/02/2015 22:56

Men don't tend to 'text loads' to friends (of either sex), and aren't usually over interested in giving dating advice. Of course you don't think the relationship is a problem - you're not the one with anything to lose! If you really don't think it's a thing, why are you posting about it?

TheGirlInTheGlass · 11/02/2015 22:57

Good point, am now wondering how the wife knows about the texts being a bit flirty?
It implies one of three things to me:
He showed her to taunt her- not ok, dump him.
He showed her to reassure her- very honest of him, ok.
She snooped through his phone- not ok, in which case she needs to reassess the relationship, her own doubts, and address all that without presuming he's actually cheating.

brightreddress · 11/02/2015 22:59

I don't think the OP is from the wife I think it is from the man.

penniechews · 11/02/2015 23:06

Sounds like the husband to me, seeing if it's OK to play with fire.

AuntieStella · 11/02/2015 23:09

Flirting with 'no intention' is part of the well-trodden path to an affair.

First loyalty is to spouse, and if incapable of having non-flirty relationships in the workplace, then there is quite a lot to be reassessed. Not just in terms of the personal relationships, but also professional future.

TheGirlInTheGlass · 11/02/2015 23:20

Ah, well put!
In which case, if he hasn't yet told his wife, then there's already an issue.
Why are people reluctant to open up and be honest with their other half?
Makes no sense.

TheGirlInTheGlass · 11/02/2015 23:22

Although I'll posit that it is very possible to have friendly relationship with occasional flirty comments and NOT have an affair.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2015 23:24

I wouldn 't be happy with this

and you know it isn't quite on the level too, or you wouldn't be looking for reassurance from a bunch of strangers

back off from the "slightly flirty"...you are not teenagers and he is not single

Adarajames · 11/02/2015 23:37

A male friend and I send what could be construed as flirty txts, and often loads of txts in a day; but it's all very much a joke, nothing will or would ever happen as we have no feelings towards each other other than as friends. The fact I'm gay also has some bearing on this!

But if you aren't happy with a partner having such conversations, then you need to talk to them about it.

Original poster
richyricky · 12/02/2015 23:19

I'm the female friend

OP posts:
Quiero · 12/02/2015 23:21

If there was nothing in this you wouldn't have posted.

Leave him be. If he wants to be a twat then that's fine but I wouldn't get involved.

babbityann · 12/02/2015 23:23

Are you ok with it OP? Do you see him like a brother who you can be yourself with, relax and have a laugh? Or are you a little bit uncomfortable with it?

Pastmyduedate0208 · 12/02/2015 23:24

You are attracted to him

LineRunner · 12/02/2015 23:27

He's a twat.

rumred · 12/02/2015 23:29

Slightly flirty="I'm trying it on, but because it's a slight flirt I can protest my innocence if caught or questioned. And if you flirt back bingo."
Not good. Not appropriate If you're in a relationship

Original poster
richyricky · 12/02/2015 23:33

But why is he a twat? Is it that bad to make a new friend?

I'm not attracted to him, just read other threads on here where people say being in contact with another woman is not right but if it's just friendship why is that not ok?

OP posts:
rumred · 12/02/2015 23:35

I have a range of friends. I flirt with not one of them. When there's flirting, there's another agenda.it's not a simple friend issue. Thats why it's a problem. Gender is irrelevant