Is this ok or not?

[richyricky]

For a man in a long term relationship to make a new female friend through his work who he texts and talks on the phone with and meets for the odd lunch or drink? Sometimes messages very slightly flirting but no intention on either side for anything more.

Is that ok? I have read lots of threads on here that seem really split and I think this is ok but not sure how it would seem from the other side. If your partner made a new friend like this would you be ok with it?

He's a twat because he's flirting and in a long term relationship and got you in a state where you're starting a thread about him on Mumsnet.

You know it's wrong so just stop it.

I don't flirt with my male friends, via text or otherwise. If you feel it's ok from your side then fair enough, but be aware your new friend's intentions may not be what they seem. Maybe step back a little.

I would not be ok with it. If MrBathTowel wants to take a woman out for lunch and drinks, he knows how I can be contacted :)

Seriously, though. I wouldn't get into a friendship with some guy at work because it almost always ends with one person wanting more. Maybe this sounds a bit mean, but in my experience , heterosexual men rarely initiate 'friendships' with women. There is usually another motive.

MrBathTowel does have a female friend, but he went to school with her, and she is married. I figure that if he wanted to shag her, he had twenty years to do it before I showed up so it's pretty safe. She's also in America, which helps as well.

There's nothing wrong with a friendship but quit with the slightly flirty or suppress it if it's him. Anything at all that could upset his wife and that is a boundary crossed and no amount of 'everyone is entitled to a friend' crap makes it OK. It is only genuinely a friendship if there is content on the same level as two (hetero) blokes would put in those texts or conversations. No matter how you see the relationship or label it, the truth is in the actions within that relationship not a label casually applied.

Yes, this.

If you wouldn't (both) say it in front of his wife and possibly your Mums, then it's not on.

The flirting is wrong and actually dangerous as it could easily easily be misunderstood or develop into more.

The gender of a friend IMO is irrelevant it's how much time my partner wanted to spend with this friend. You say texting, calling and working together. That's a lot of time together!

My DH has several really good female friends who go back years. They're all so lovely that I became friends with them in my own right.

I met DH through work and he has friends from those work days that he's still in touch with, both men and women.

He has female friends at his current work that he no doubt gets coffee with, and will have lunch with on the odd occasion he has a lunch break.

None of this bothers me, because he doesn't behave in the slightest way for my senses to prickle.

If he was, say, suddenly incessantly texting, become very protective of his phone, and otherwise acting differently/suspiciously, my senses would probably pick up the different vibe.

Basically, what I'm taking far too long to say is, if the situation is starting to overstep that individual couple's boundaries, the other half of the couple will almost certainly pick up on it, and it will cause distrust and resentment to erode the relationship. Not sure why anyone would want to be a part of that.

"But why is he a twat? Is it that bad to make a new friend?"

Irrespective of whether he's a twat, here's some advice for you:

Don't flirt with colleagues.

It's usually a career killer.

If you are going to do if anyhow, then make sure your CV is up to date, and be genuinely ready to move on.

(If you ever have a single colleague, then dating might be possible. If you are at all serious about your job, keep that discreetly out of the office in the early stages.)

Being friendly and the odd lunch (if he has lunch with male colleagues sometimes too) is one thing. Frequent texting, even if innocuous, and dating advice is inappropriate, unprofessional and disrespectful to his partner.

If it is innocent on both sides, why not meet him and his wife for drinks or supper sometimes?

I have quite a few male friends who I meet largely independently of DH but I talk about him and he's met them all - either a quick drink one night, sometimes just him, sometimes a larger group or a party of some sort or I've invited them to us for supper or Sunday lunch with a partner / family if there's anyone on the scene.

His intentions and his wife's view of what's happening matter just as much as your intentions.

I'm in my 30s, currently single and 3 of my closest friends are all married men (one is a mate from uni and 2 of them from work) but I'm not attracted to any of them, don't flirt with any of them and generally see myself as one of the lads. I'm also particularly careful when establishing new friendships with men to avoid anything that could be misread. Until I'm clear that they only want to mates too, I only meet them with at least one other person present, talk about general topics rather than personal issues and no phone calls / texts except to make arrangements. Once I know that we are both only after friendship then things relax a bit.

I have a female colleague who often moans that she can't form platonic friendships with men but she is very touchy feeley (with both men and women), thinks it's appropriate to talk to male friends about sitting round in her underwear and her (lack of) sex life and invites men she thinks are just friends round for one-to-one dinners. If I was a bloke I would probably get confused with all that and either stay well away or think she was up for more than friendship.

What I'm trying to say is that in my opinion you have to make it clear that you only want to be mates, and be prepared to close things down if you think that the guy has any other ideas or if you actually secretly fancy him and are hoping for something more. And always ask yourself if two blokes would do the same things you and your new friend are doing.

If you get on well with him, you may also get on with his GF/partner. You should suggest meeting up with both of them to him. his responce should tell you what his intentions towards you are.

You know that this looks iffy. It's pre affair territory.

'Is it that bad to make a new friend?'

I have been 'the friend' a lot. I get on well with men in general, I work with a lot of them, I am perennially single.... Always starts the same way. Friendly banter in the office, occasional lunches, sharing a few jokes at business events. And then they get a bit too enthusiastic, start flirting, the jokes are sexual..... and you can kid yourself that because you've no intention of it going any further, neither do they. But that's just being naive and stupid. You've only to click your fingers and his little married knickers would be served to you on a platter. Haven't met one that wasn't an opportunist. :)

no intention on either side for anything more

How do you know this?