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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm fuming!!!!!!!!

71 replies

babywhiting · 22/10/2006 19:47

my dp has been at work for 15 today he just phoned to say they have problems and isn't sure when he will be leaving.....i'm so angry!!!!!

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Original poster
babywhiting · 22/10/2006 21:25

he's just phoned to say he's now about to leave work so i put the phone down on him.

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whitestar · 22/10/2006 21:42

back again
?How long will it take for him to get home? I sometimes think it's easier to go to bed before they get home. They feel bad cause your so tired and you don't have row late at night and risk waking kids. Alsoyou don't miss any sleep which is v important with 4 month old

Spidermama · 22/10/2006 21:46

I always wait up for them and have the row. I just lie in bed fuming otherwise and also I find I can't sleep until they're safely home.

My dh is rushing around doing house stuff now to try to make up for it but that's not what I want. I wanted my Sunday with him and the kids.

Sorry you're so upset babyW.

Original poster
babywhiting · 22/10/2006 21:52

im waiting up !!! he is so gonna get an arguement all kids asleep in their beds so they wont hear a thing!!!!

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Original poster
babywhiting · 22/10/2006 21:55

thankyou whitestar and spidermama for your support i may dissapear ina while if he steps in the door but will be back tomorrow to update.

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Original poster
babywhiting · 22/10/2006 21:56

hes home!!!!!!!!!!

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Spidermama · 22/10/2006 21:56

Will you try to make up before you go to sleep babyW.

A bit of advice, Relate-style ...

Try to work out what you want from the discussion/argument beforehand. It's no use if you just want to punish him. You need him to understand how you've felt and try to guard against this happening again. If you go at him too furiously it may make him switch off. Sometimes the best way to be heard is to say the same thing over and over and over again very calmly and ask what he intends to do about it.

I say all this .... I might even try it myself.

I wish you all the best with it. I wish us both all the best.

whitestar · 22/10/2006 22:03

Awaiting updat

night honey

Judy1234 · 22/10/2006 22:07

"Mine gets paid nothing at all. It's a hobby fgs. I work five days a week (albeit part time) then spend 3 sundays in a row looking after his kids while he does his hobby."

But why do people let this happen? Why accept that inequity in the relationship? In my marriage we never did. If he had time off I made sure I did. We have an agreement really before we married that things would be fair. So why can't anyone whose husband has Saturday doing golf not leave him every Sunday to pursue her hobbies?> Is it because of the lack of power caused because these husbands tend to earn more? Does it come down to money or is it the way some girls are brought up to accept rather than effect change?

joelallie · 23/10/2006 10:47

xenia - i agree. My Dh goes out a few evenings a week and then disappear off to watch footie for a day once a month or so. I don't actually mind - I find the children easier to cope with on my own as it happens. If I didn't want him to go I would say so and give the reason. BUT if his does have a few hours off on a saturday he makes sure the I do too.

As for working late/at weekends - I don't have a problem with that. He's worked most saturdays for the last few months. Perhaps the situation's different in that we are usually broke so the extra money comes in handy. I'd never get cross with him over that. He doesn't want to work either. But I would get fairly pee-ed off if I didn't know what he was doing in advance or I didn't get a phone call if he was going to be late.

HeadlessHorsewoman · 23/10/2006 11:34

Xenia, whilst your point is very valid, sometimes it isn't that we 'let' this happen, it just goes that way. Nobody could ever accuse me of being a doormat - I will always say what I think, and explode every now and again, but DH is a law unto himself. His mantra is 'The only thing I have to do in this world is die'. I cannot EVER get him to do anything he doesn't want, and to this day he has never been in charge of DD2 whilst she was awake (she is almost 3 FGS). I suppose I could leave him for giving me a dog's life, but would that really solve anything? It would make my life easier, but it would leave my children without a father in residence and I do still ove him, despite his (obvious and many) faults.

Helennn · 23/10/2006 11:49

Xenia - I agree also with your comments - in principle. You obviously have a reasonable and fair partner, not all of us do.

My dh works very hard 5 or 6 days a week and so thinks he deserves to play cricket or golf on a Sunday. Obviously looking after 2 children, running a home and also working part time from home does not equate to what he does!!! If I kick up a stink I get accused of spoiling his day, being selfish etc. etc. and the atmosphere is terrible. After 12 years marriage I honestly believe he will not stop going out, so I have come to the conclusion that I have to put up with it or get divorced!!! I do not want to get divorced so have to, "let this happen".

Spidermama · 23/10/2006 16:09

babywhiting I hope you're OK. How did it go?

whitestar · 23/10/2006 18:39

I'm waiting for update too! Hope your alright.

Don't want a debate though!

Judy1234 · 23/10/2006 19:43

I always earned more so wondered if that was part of it but we had all the femininst discussions 20 years ago before we married and he was a reasonably new man but I shouldn't be on the relationships section at all I suppose we divorced 3 years ago but even so it worked whilst we were together.

If someone won't babysit and never had at the weekend then you are still entitled to a day off when he has one so hire someone to look after them and have a day off all the same. My ex had a full time nanny there during his school holidays most of the time but it certainly wasn't me doing all that childcare.

Can't people just say this isn't fair, I've worked all week too so if you do golf on Sunday I'm going for a country walk with friends on Saturday and then do it. He wouldn't leave the children to starve. He'd had to find his mother or a friend to help him if he is so physically incompetent he cannot mine a child for 10 hours.

Piffle · 23/10/2006 19:46

Yep.. my dp works away 5 days a week, has realy put our relationship inot difficulties esp since I'm pregnant.
He has put in for transfer asap
Here is hoping
weekend comes and he is knackered , no one gets what they want in this house...

Spidermama · 23/10/2006 20:58

Xenia, you misunderstand. I'm not looking for some perfect tally of leave of absence from the kids.

I want family time with both parents and the four kids. These are the best times in my life and in the kids lives at the moment. This is quality time and we don't get enough of it.

Original poster
babywhiting · 23/10/2006 22:02

hi all thank you for last nights chat, i went to bed after we bantered for a while , we didn't speak again till this morning and he understood what he did wrong and apologized.
i'm here again on my own whilst he is working again and i'm feeling low.
he phoned a few minutes ago just to say he loves me loads!!!
wish i was happy forget what its like!!!

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Judy1234 · 23/10/2006 22:12

Good point. What you want is for him to want to want to be there at the weekend, to desire teh family togetherness rather than be doing it under sufferance; may be even that he turns down over time or changes jobs so instead of more money or prestige he has more time with the family. My brother has taken that stance, leaves work on time etc as he has under 3s.

Spidermama · 23/10/2006 22:12

Awww baby. It can be lonely when they work nights can't it? Do you have any friends with dh's who do normal hours? If so you could always entice one round for a take away curry and a chat. I've had a few nights in with friends and it can keep you sane now and again.

Original poster
babywhiting · 24/10/2006 21:21

I live in kent have only been here 5 months so not really had much chance to make friends though i still talk on the phone loads to all my friends back home.....anyone in kent? well i'm trying

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