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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hes been thinking of ending things and hes the only person I have around.

29 replies

ItsAlmostOver · 11/02/2015 19:08

My dp and I have been together for a year. Things were going well, its been a bit rocky, at the start I had to deal with his jealousy and sometimes he has anger problems. Things have been good recently though and he told me he wanted a future with me and my daughter and we had talk of moving in together at some point.

This last week hes suddenly gone cold and kept cancelling or pushing the days back of when he would come over. He's now told me he been thinking for a while about not being with me, he wants to be single but still see me. I asked him if this means he wants to sleep with other people and practically have his pie and eat it too but he refused and said its about him going clubbing, going a bit crazy and doing what he wants before settling down. He says hes not made a final decision and wants a nice weekend with me and then he will come back with what he decides. He was supposed to come tonight but cancelled last minute.

This is a giant blow to me, I'm agoraphobic and he's become the only person I see these days so I just feel so panicked. I love him, want to do anything to keep him around and it doesn't help that I have no support around me. I've had the 'I thought I wanted this but I don't' speech twice now, it was said to me by my daughters father when he left (I wasn't agoraphobic then, its only been the last 8/9 months). I feel like me and my dd have been used as some kind of practice family for 2 men who have then decided its not for them.

What ways can I get through this? Has anyone had the situation where their partner has said similar things but decided to stay? What happens then, do you feel differently about them?

OP posts:
HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 11/02/2015 19:17

Can you get help to manage the agoraphobia? I know that is terrifying but if there is any way you can get help to function it will greatly improve your and your daughter's lives. Is your gp supportive?

From what you say, i fear you would accept being used by a not nice sounding man because you have become dependant on him. This makes you very vulnerable.

I know that you know that what you need here is help with the agoraphobia. What would make you feel safe enough to get help with that?

ItsAlmostOver · 11/02/2015 19:21

I'm getting help for the agoraphobia, exposure therapy, hypnotherapy and I'm about to have CBT too. I'm improving, I can get to the park with my daughter now and walk around in some 'safe' places but I cant go to the shops yet or get on the bus.

OP posts:
HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 11/02/2015 19:27

I'm really pleased for you. Well done! Thats a massive achievement, you should be proud of yourself.

I know it's hard but he doesnt sound like someone who's truly in your corner and ultimatly that will make you worse not better.

cozietoesie · 11/02/2015 19:28

That should improve - but in the meantime, can you do internet grocery shopping? That's not too bad to manage.

ItsAlmostOver · 11/02/2015 19:40

Yeah, thats how I get my shopping in usually, I don't rely on him for anything but company.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 11/02/2015 20:08

So overall, you're improving on the practicalities then. That's excellent.

He comes across as ....not such a good idea though. Sounds as if he's belittling you and playing with your feelings more than a little - and having that around is almost worse than having nothing at all. HowCan is right - you can be very vulnerable in that situation.

How old is your DD?

ItsAlmostOver · 11/02/2015 20:12

I think your both right with that. I think this whole thing has at the very least for him cemented in his mind that he can probably get away with everything if he does decide to stay.

I do know for sure, as much as I love him, that I wouldn't put up with how he treats me sometimes if I was well and had more people around.

My dd is 2 and a half.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 11/02/2015 20:14

....that I wouldn't put up with how he treats me sometimes if I was well and had more people around.....

How badly is he treating you?

patienceisvirtuous · 11/02/2015 20:21

He sounds like someone who won't enhance your life but probably make it shitty.

Without him OP, and the current anxiety he is causing you, you may find you start to feel a lot better.

You sound like a strong woman going through a tough patch. Don't let him take advantage of your vulnerablility. You and your daughter deserve a lot better x

ItsAlmostOver · 11/02/2015 20:26

He can be controlling, more towards the start of the relationship as I have a male best friend who I see once a month and had other male friends and he didn't like that. He thought I was sleeping with anyone that came round be it friends that were couples or not, thought I was cheating because I changed the sheets before he got into bed once when he came over. He shouts in my face a lot, just sort of explodes, its 0 - 100 in a second and I cant get a word in, called me a bitch, cunt and now says its like he's with his ex wife (although not divorced yet) again. Its never in front of my dd though.

Its stopped recently, apart from an argument we had before he left mine but he said he was stressed.

I made a recording of his shouting once, and replay it sometimes to remind me I don't deserve to be spoken to like that but I feel so lonely and stuck.
I've done the freedom programme and I can see its bad but I need him right now and hes improved slightly, he doesn't get jealous anymore (although doesn't need to now Im housebound and only see my best friend every month or 2)

OP posts:
AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 11/02/2015 20:31

Why do you need him right now? Lonliness?

Could you ask some of your other friends to come round more often? Maybe those male friends?

Could you invite some of DDs friend's mothers round more often?

patienceisvirtuous · 11/02/2015 20:35

He sounds really heinous :(

InfinitySeven · 11/02/2015 20:36

You don't need him. He's manipulated you to think that you do, and then isolated you so that you'll never leave.

Prove him wrong. Make him standing you up tonight the last straw.

ItsAlmostOver · 11/02/2015 20:37

Yeah loneliness and I do love him. I thought things might be getting better. I've had many break ups over the years and I've never felt this bad before. I used to be able to pick up the pieces and move on with my life with barely a tear shed.

I only have one friend now thats near and hes still over an hours drive away, hes very busy and can only be here monthly. The other guy doesnt speak to me anymore as it turned out he was just hoping for sex in the end.
My dd doesn't have friends yet, just kids she plays with when were out, she's not started nursery or playschool yet. That will be starting very soon...although not sure how I will be able to get her there.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 11/02/2015 20:56

Your agoraphobia started after you started your relationship with him and I sure he was a contributing factor. So I would say that one incentive to get rid of him is as part of your path out of the agoraphobia.

Then start building up your network of friends again.

DarkNavyBlue · 11/02/2015 20:59

Is this really someone you want to be in a fatherly relationship with your daughter?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2015 21:23

OP you have to get this nasty piece of work out of your life. Controlling?, jealous?, blows up in your face? I know you think you love him & need him but the 'I don't want this' speech is your get out jail free card. Please grab it because he's adding to your MH problems, not helping them.

I'm glad you're getting some therapy. Work with your medical team, work on your self-confidence, try to make some (female) friends in your area, and please duck out of dating until you are properly able to tell anyone who treats you badly to piss off.

Good luck

cozietoesie · 11/02/2015 21:52

....He shouts in my face a lot, just sort of explodes, its 0 - 100 in a second and I cant get a word in, called me a bitch, cunt and now says its like he's with his ex wife (although not divorced yet) again......

Oh No, lass. Get him out of your life now before it gets even worse. He may not do it in front of your DD right n ow but it won't be long before he starts 'forgetting'. He's treating you so badly.

Glastokitty · 11/02/2015 23:19

He sounds absolutely awful, and you sound lovely. Please don't let this nasty excuse for a man drag you down when you are doing so well.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/02/2015 23:47

Get rid of him and your mental health will start improving immediately. For whatever reason, he wants you mentally ill, dependent and miserable - either it makes him feel like the big man you need so very much, or he just likes hurting women.
You can manage without a man in your life. Get your MH sorted, look into local clubs/groups etc for new friends to pass the time of day with and everything will be fine. Let this manipulative cock hang around and everything will get worse.
(If he won't go when dumped and becomes aggressive, call the police to remove him and get a court order to keep him out of your live.)

Anniegetyourgun · 12/02/2015 07:39

Your agoraphobia started after you started your relationship with him and I sure he was a contributing factor

Exactly my thoughts, Coyoacan - and I would add that he's also the only person you have around now because he planned it that way, by throwing a big wobbly about you seeing anyone else (whilst reserving his right to do the same).

Take a step back and consider: he's training you like a puppy, to be there for him and him only, safely hiding behind the door for when he feels like dropping in, and now he's even making you accept that he can shag around. He's a total bastard and now he's not even exclusively your bastard. As your lovely daughter's mother you have to be worth more than this.

now says its like he's with his ex wife
I bet it is. Do you know the real story of why she's leaving him? Don't tell me: she cheated on him which is why he's so insecure now. Heard that one before. Don't buy it.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 12/02/2015 07:42

So he has got you to the point where you are housebound and dependant on you and now he wants you to accept him 'doing what he wants before settling down' because he's made you feel you can't cope without him?

That's a really good job he's done on you.

He isn't helping you to cope - he's the reason you can't.

ItsAlmostOver · 12/02/2015 09:58

Thanks everyone, its helpful to read these things. I am completely terrified of being all on my own, I've looked into getting a home-start visitor which will help with the loneliness side of things. It does all make sense, I was single for quite a while before I met him and coped just fine and although I'm now ill I need to remember that it was ok before. Someone said to me on here after my last breakup that I will be 'stronger, happier and wilder' without him and I hope that applies here too.

He's coming over today, although almost tried to cancel on me again (he really is playing games and seeing how much he can push me isn't he?) I think I'm coming out of the upset stage and heading towards the angry stage and angry, which I much prefer Grin

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 12/02/2015 10:04

Cancel on him!

DarkNavyBlue · 12/02/2015 10:06

Please cancel on him. You do not deserve to be treated this way and your DD certainly doesn't deserve a home environment with him in it.

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