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Original poster

could you live with your mil for 3 months?

48 replies

ruty · 22/10/2006 19:03

We were having a lovely holiday in Austria when poor DH gets a call from family saying his Dad has been hit by a car on a pedestrian crossing and killed. . He is distraught and has flown home to the Balkans. Ds and me now back home. My poor MIL has just retired and though she and her husband live/d with my SIL and her family, is obviously massively bereaved. DH has told me she is going to come and stay with us [in a small two bed flat] for three months as she needs to get out of the house that reminds her of her husband. Am i being totally nasty and selfish to be a bit worried about the length of the stay? She is a lovely person [though there is a language barrier]
but it seems a long time to live in such close proximity. I have caused problems before in this area , MIL and FIL intended to come and stay for a month when DS was just born and I said I wanted time with Ds first, and it caused a lot of problems. Really don't know what to do now. I'd be happy for her to come for a month, or maybe even two - I don't know, but not much I can say when th e family is reeling. Any advice? Am i a selfish cow?

OP posts:
Original poster
ruty · 22/10/2006 19:04

BTW MIL and FIL came last year for Ds's first birthday and stated three weeks and we took them to Cornwall, so I'm not completely awful...

OP posts:
lulumama · 22/10/2006 19:05

at this point...you need to be thinking of her....her husband has been killed suddenly.....she needs to be with people who love her, care for her and can help her adjust to this shocking tragedy...

i think you need to let her come,,,play it by ear...she might enjoy helping with the little ones...which would give oyu time to help DH over this tragedy too..,.

my condolences to you all... you need to try and be a family and get each other through this....

NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2006 19:06

OMG, three months in a small two-bed flat with my MIL would drive me up the wall.

But I don't know what you can say or do in these circumstances. Any chance you can find somewhere nearby for her to go sometimes? Or any chance you and DS can run off a bit, to your family maybe, with the excuse of giving your MIL time alone with his DH?

lulumama · 22/10/2006 19:06

we lived with the in laws for 3 months when moving house...as long as you respect each others space...it should be ok...she might really need to be with her son,,

she might find a month away is enough.....go with the flow...

TwigTwoolett · 22/10/2006 19:06

totally understand how you're feeling .. but unfortunately I think your back's against the wall and you have no option other than to do this .. sorry .. and you have to do it with seeming good grace (luckily you have MN to bitch on) I would hate to be you tbh

.. is there anyway at all you can section off her own space .. can DS be in with you and she have her own room or is there a spare reception room she can have

beckybraAAARGHstraps · 22/10/2006 19:07

Oh God. How awful. I'm so sorry about your FIL.

I'm not sure what else you can do in the circumstances, though I would find it VERY hard to cope with my MIL for any length of time. You're not a selfish cow for being concerned about how it will go, but I think I would probably go with it.

Original poster
ruty · 22/10/2006 19:12

yes Ds will be in our room and MIL will have her own room. That's sort of OK because he usually sleeps with us, but I do need eventually to introduce him to his own room, he is two and we are thinking about trying for another. We are about to move into our own flat [still two bedroom but we are buying it instead of renting] and I guess i was looking forward to us doing it up and being together just the three of us but you are all probably right, i need to adjust and not put myself first. It will be nice for her to get to know ds better, but it just seems so LONG! She will probably have a return flight booked at the 3 month mark so i guess she won't go back any earlier. Bit nervous i have to admit...

OP posts:
PanicPants · 22/10/2006 19:26

NO!

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 22/10/2006 19:30

No and even in your situation I feel it would probably do irrepairable damage to our relationship if we attempted to.

SenoraPostrophe · 22/10/2006 19:30

It might not be as bad as you think. it's a long time to have anyone staying in your house but it'll be a long time for her too - she will probably make an effort to stay out of your way after a bit (either that or she'll be super helpful).

think of the good karma you'll be building up...

framan · 22/10/2006 19:30

Sorry to hear your news. Can't be easy for all of you in these circumstances. When I saw this thread I was going to say something else but once I read the full story I had to think again.

At the moment we are living with my inlaws while we wait to buy our house. It was intended to be for two months but we've had all sorts of troubles. It's now coming up to 5 months.. Anyway, most of the time its been fine and it's been great for the kids to bond with them. Especially my youngest who is now 18 months old. But there have been days where its been very hard.

I'm sure your MIL will appreciate the support she will get from you and maybe it will be good for your DS to get to know MIL for that short period of time. I can't really add any more but just be there to support her and importantly your DH. Good luck anyway.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 22/10/2006 19:31

A month is long enough, tragic as it is she will have to get on with her life eventually and 3 months is just putting that off imo.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 22/10/2006 19:32

Mind you my mil is a pain in the arse, if yours is pleasant and helpful it may work out well.

NannyStar · 22/10/2006 19:33

Will she definately be able to get a visa to come and stay ruty?

docket · 22/10/2006 19:35

I understand totally how you feel, 3 days with my MIL is enough to drive me to the brink. However, as others have said I think the tragic circumstances mean normal rules of play are probably suspended in this case. As SP said, think of the karma...

Original poster
ruty · 22/10/2006 19:36

think so Nannystar - as long as she has a letter of invitation from us [DH a british citizen too] and puts up with queuing at the embassy there shouldn't be a problem. As she is retired they won't be worried she is coming here to work.

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Original poster
ruty · 22/10/2006 19:38

she is lovely CCC, it is actually my relationship with DH i'm worried about. Last time she came dh and me had a blazing row half way through and she was in floods of tears - she and her dh never rowed. It is the tension of not being able to argue that i am worried about - and the fact that his behaviour may change with her around. But as others have said maybe i'm being selfish.

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beckybraAAARGHstraps · 22/10/2006 19:39

I don't think anyone thinks you're being selfish. Just that you might have to go with it. How do you think your dh would react if you dicussed your concerns with him?

Moomin · 22/10/2006 19:41

The poor woman's just lost her husband, the man she's spent her adult life with! Think you definitely need to put your own feelings to one side for now and try to be a comfort to her. It's not like she's staying indefinitely - 3m isn't really that long in the great scheme of things. and also remember that dh has lost his dad too and he and his mum will need one another. It's really not that big a sacrifice I don't think. My mil gets on my norks, greatly, but there's no way I'd be planning how to get her out of the house already when she's not even arrived yet in these circumstances. Have you ever lost a parent/partner? It's devastating and you need your loved ones round you.

beckybraAAARGHstraps · 22/10/2006 19:41

OK, maybe moomin does...

Moomin · 22/10/2006 19:42

sorry just re-read my post and I think i might sound a tad harsh. don't mean to be I know it's hard for everyone.

Original poster
ruty · 22/10/2006 19:44

he'd be very sensitive about it becky. The worst row of our marriage was when i was heavily pregnant and his parents were planning to come over for the birth and i raised concerns. He went ballistic. I don't think he'd go ballistic this time, but it would upset them all and any trust i have built up would go straighy away. They are all very sensitive about me not really wanting them to come, whihc isn't true - it is just they have a very different idea about how families are and what kind of proximity they live in to me. I see my family [except my dad who i see daily] rarely and they all live together in a big house over there.

OP posts:
Original poster
ruty · 22/10/2006 19:44

i;ve lost my mum in a sense moomin - i feel as if she is dead - she is in a care home in the advanced stages of dementia.

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Moomin · 22/10/2006 19:47

sorry to hear that ruty.

I think this is a situation that you can't anticipate the outcome of accurately so you have to play it by ear. hope things work out ok for you all.

beckybraAAARGHstraps · 22/10/2006 19:47

I would be very reluctant to bring it up at a time like this then. How awful for you all