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Original poster

could you live with your mil for 3 months?

48 replies

ruty · 22/10/2006 19:03

We were having a lovely holiday in Austria when poor DH gets a call from family saying his Dad has been hit by a car on a pedestrian crossing and killed. . He is distraught and has flown home to the Balkans. Ds and me now back home. My poor MIL has just retired and though she and her husband live/d with my SIL and her family, is obviously massively bereaved. DH has told me she is going to come and stay with us [in a small two bed flat] for three months as she needs to get out of the house that reminds her of her husband. Am i being totally nasty and selfish to be a bit worried about the length of the stay? She is a lovely person [though there is a language barrier]
but it seems a long time to live in such close proximity. I have caused problems before in this area , MIL and FIL intended to come and stay for a month when DS was just born and I said I wanted time with Ds first, and it caused a lot of problems. Really don't know what to do now. I'd be happy for her to come for a month, or maybe even two - I don't know, but not much I can say when th e family is reeling. Any advice? Am i a selfish cow?

OP posts:

admylin · 22/10/2006 19:49

Just think of the nice side of having your ds's granny there, she will surely help out with the meals and play with your ds. I would love mine to come for 3 months - it would be a great chance for my 2 dc to know their granny who lives so far away. I had my SIL for 1 month once and a good friend of mine sometimes "took her off my hands" by taking her shopping so I could have an afternoon off, maybe you could arrange for someone to be her friend?

whooooooogoesthere · 22/10/2006 19:51

ruty
When she has stayed before was your FIL there too??
I think you may find that if he was the dynamics of your relationnship may change if she comes alone - IFKWIM.
It may be a completely different experience this time around and if I was you I would be as accommodating as possible and just see what happens.
But no I dont think you are a selfish cow - I would be thinking exactly the same thing.

Original poster

ruty · 22/10/2006 19:56

she has come on her own once and once with FIL. It was easier on her own, yes, [though he was lovely in his own way too ] but it is the size of the place that worries me, only one reception room and two bedrooms, there isn't any space to be away from each other. I am really looking forward to her spending more time with ds, but just worried about things like dh and me rowing, having sex, etc. ah well.

OP posts:

Tommy · 22/10/2006 19:58

really sorry to hear your bad news ruty.

As far as living with MIl goes, you may find that she wants to go home after a couple of weeks - 3 months is along time for anyone to be away from home.

Personally I couldn't have my MIL to stay for 3 months but this is an extremely unsuaul situation. Can you play it by ear and just see how things go?

Original poster

ruty · 22/10/2006 20:00

yes i probably will Tommy. Just nervous! Good to sound people out here, can't talk about it anywhere else.

OP posts:

lupo · 22/10/2006 20:39

god no, mines a bloody nightmare

munz · 22/10/2006 20:40

been there done that never again - in that order a weeks bad enough! lol. althou I bet she says the same about me.

munz · 22/10/2006 20:40

been there done that never again - in that order a weeks bad enough! lol. althou I bet she says the same about me.

saadia · 22/10/2006 20:45

I second lulumama's comments. This is also a big shock for your dh, she is his mother and it would probably help him to have her around and for him to know that he was there for her when she needed him.

And you said yourself she is a lovely person. I would say try not to feel too negative about it beforehand, you may feel differently once she arrives.

Spidermama · 22/10/2006 20:47

So sorry to hear this ruty. What an awful time for you all. A very difficult situation. I don't think you're selfish at all but I really feel for your dh and his mum obviously. You can only do what you can do because your mental health is important too.

Talk it through honestly with them all, but perhaps wait until things have settled down a bit.

I never do this but (((( ruty )))). Best of luck my darling. x

FrannyandZooey · 22/10/2006 20:50

Oh goodness I couldn't do it at all, no matter what the circumstances. I wish you lots of strength for the months ahead.

Original poster

ruty · 22/10/2006 20:55

aw thanks spidermama. And F&Z. She is lovely, yes, but she is very different to me, culturally and personality wise. Not sure if i can talk to them about it but i do want to welcome her. i'll do my very best....

OP posts:

olivia35 · 23/10/2006 00:39

My MIL sold her house & came to live with us 'whilst she looked for somewhere to buy'.

A year on & she's renting over the road. Great for babysitting, but we worry about her future security.

It all comes down to whether you, independently of dh, like MIL enough to share space with her. MIL & I are actually good mates, but I was very, very glad to see her move out.

If you can't imagine her as a flatmate (& I could MIL, actually. She's a lively 70 year old with a taste for red wine, eveing classes & a 'between marriages' track record of flat sharing) - then REALLY don't go there if you can possibly help it - ie. as others have said, set time limit & get dh to talk her through long term options...

olivia35 · 23/10/2006 00:39

My MIL sold her house & came to live with us 'whilst she looked for somewhere to buy'.

A year on & she's renting over the road. Great for babysitting, but we worry about her future security.

It all comes down to whether you, independently of dh, like MIL enough to share space with her. MIL & I are actually good mates, but I was very, very glad to see her move out.

fussymummy · 23/10/2006 01:30

we're not married, so thankfully i don't have a MIL.
No way would i want my partners mum here for 3 months.
3 minutes is all i can bear with her, can't stand the woman.

So sorry about the sudden loss of your FIL.

Can understand MIL wanting to get away.

Just a shame it's to your place.

She may surprise you, she'll be so upset that grief might bring you closer.

You may get a new friendship with her, and for her, having your ittle one to be with may make things a bit more bearable. (not sure if those are the right words)

It's going to take her a long time to come to terms with her sudden loss, and being with her son is obviously where she needs to be.

Just remember how fragile she'll be feeling.

DetentionGrrrl · 23/10/2006 06:39

3 mths is a long time, but it's a sensitive situation. Try putting yourself in her place maybe? It's 3 mths out of a lifetime, for someone clearly in need. Good luck!

anniemac · 23/10/2006 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

ruty · 23/10/2006 13:13

i guess you are right. this helps me get a clearer picture i suppose. i just hope i don't make things worse if i crack [eg have a blazing row with dh again at some point during the 3 months] I'll try very hard not to.

OP posts:

crayon · 24/10/2006 19:17

Sorry to hear your news.

I don't think I could live with anyone other than my husband and children for more than a couple of weeks . Is there any way you could rent a small space somewhere so that you have somewhere to escape to for a couple of hours if it gets too much? Or maybe treat yourself to a three month gym membership in a nice gym you wouldn't normally join. Or, a three month cinema pass (is there such a thing?).

Good luck!

jampots · 24/10/2006 19:24

horrid as I am I wouldnt be able to put up with it but of course I am thinking solely as if I were in your shoes (with my MIL). Surely the logistics of 4 of you in a 2 bed flat is worth considering though. I imagine it would be quite cramped. Have to say I completely dread the day that one of my inlaws is left alone and the other wants to come

Original poster

ruty · 24/10/2006 22:09

i know but the perception of space/family proximity is very different over there. I would just be seen as heartless and selfish is if i were to say something. I mean i do want to help, but i'm just a bit nervous.

OP posts:

shhhh · 26/10/2006 16:36

NO...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

shhhh · 26/10/2006 16:38

Oopps.. Just read the message. From the title I wouldn't BUT guess the circumstances are hard..Sorry to hear about your fil. .

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