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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband told daughter he hates her

28 replies

bellflalala · 11/02/2015 15:23

As above, this morning. We have a difficult relationship and we are at the point where we are trying to work out what to do for the best, and it is probably splitting up, he is very negative and angry. This morning he was dropping both dd's at breakfast club and DD1 (8) was upset because she wanted a jumper so had a tantrum and ran back to the car, so he bought them back home to get jumper, which it turned out she was actually wearing. I came out the house and she was hysterical and told me that he said that he hated her, I asked him if it was true (he often says she makes things up and I don't back him up) and he said he did but this, but that, he didn't mean it. So I gave her a hug, sorted out the jumper situation and they set off again. Now I am wondering what I can do to reassure her that he doesn't hate her and how to explain what happened. Sorry this is a bit confused, I'm in a big sad flap.

OP posts:

Nolim · 11/02/2015 15:24

Hmm. Ltb?

ElphabaTheGreen · 11/02/2015 15:27

That's abuse, pure and simple, that will stick with your child for a very long time, if not for life. Splitting up is most definitely the healthiest option.

If he'd hit her, what would you do? It's the same thing in my book.

I'm so sorry for you OP

AllThatGlistens · 11/02/2015 15:29

I sure as hell wouldn't be covering for him, that's absolutely appalling. Poor girl

pocketsaviour · 11/02/2015 15:30

Did he apologise to her?

NerrSnerr · 11/02/2015 15:32

It's him that has to reassure her that he doesn't hate her. Did he say sorry? I would be seriously thinking about my relationship though.

WestEast · 11/02/2015 15:35

That's a very dickheaded thing for him to say.
He needs to make it right, he needs to apologise. Repeatedly. And reassure her that she is loved by him. Loved without condition.
I would be utterly fuming if DP spoke to DSD like that.

inlectorecumbit · 11/02/2015 15:37

OMG what a pathetic excuse for a father. Your DD will NEVER forget that comment even if he does grovel and apologise.What a cruel bastard.
No way would l stay with someone who would say that to any child never mind his own
poor poor girl.

Thumbwitch · 11/02/2015 15:39

God that's horrible. He should be down on his knees apologising to her for that. :(

Faez · 11/02/2015 15:41

Jesus christ

hellsbellsmelons · 11/02/2015 15:42

Now I am wondering what I can do to reassure her
You can't reassure with regards to another person. It's his job to reassure her.
Your job is to reassure her they YOU love and her and will ALWAYS be there for her not matter what.

I've told my DD I don't like her much at times or her behaviour, but always followed up by, but I'll always love you no matter what.
We can lash out when pushed and say hurtful things. If it'a one off then make sure her apologises and reassures her that he loves her, always.
If it's something he does a lot then as PP's have said, it's horrible and abusive and will slowly ebb away her confidence.

bloodygorgeous · 11/02/2015 15:42

If we're all honest we have all (or most) of us said things we shouldn't have or that we regret to our kid in times of great stress or anger.

BUT BUT BUT

When we do this we should always apologise - with no provisos, no 'but you should have behaved better' - and make it clear it was our fault, our failing as we lost control and not their fault. Tell them we love them no matter what and we were wrong to say such a hurtful thing.

Has or will your h done/do this?

BarbarianMum · 11/02/2015 15:43

I doubt he hates her, I expect he hates her behaviour at times (and you can see his point based on this morning's episode - I'd have been seriously, seriously unimpressed if one of mine had pulled this stunt). If that's the case tell him to say that, and that's what I'd tell her too.

Sounds to me like they should apologise to each other. Then move on. I'm sure it won't have any ill effects unless there are other problems in their relationship.

bloodygorgeous · 11/02/2015 15:43

(can I just add I have never told any of my daughters I hate them!)

SuzyFloozy · 11/02/2015 15:44

My father once said something similar to me.

It affected me for a very long time and twenty years on, even though it was a one off and I've forgiven him, it still lives in a little damaged part of my heart with the power to hurt me.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 11/02/2015 15:52

I don't think that's acceptable behaviour at all.

A child saying that doesn't fully understand the implications and, IMO, they don't actually have the capacity to hate someone at that age.

A fully grown adult, however, no excuse. Horrible, cruel thing to say to any child let alone his own daughter.

No advise other than let him know how disappointed and angry you are in him. And obviously, reassure you DD that she is loved unconditionally.

Original poster

bellflalala · 11/02/2015 16:54

Thank you for your replies, it has helped me gain perspective instead of just feeling horrified and upset for her. It is completely unacceptable. I am going to talk to him tonight and make sure he apologises to her, and tries to make things right, if he possibly can. I've collected dd from school now and she seems happy enough, although she has a friend here for now, so will also talk to her later. She did say she told the lady that runs breakfast club, I wonder if they will ask me about it.

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 11/02/2015 17:03

I think making sure he apologies is only the tip of the iceberg.

You shouldn't have to make sure he does this, now hes calmed down he should be horrified at himself and fixing it, not you.

If he diesnt, a grown adult telling a child that is terrible, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that as I would feel I was always having to be on alert to protect my child from unreasonable verbal abuse.

MagpieCursedTea · 11/02/2015 20:16

My Dad used to regularly tell me he didn't like me (along with alternating with screaming at me and giving me the silent treatment) when I was a child. I know now it's because he wasn't well and we actually developed a good relationship when he got better. However I'm still quite scarred from it all.
I really wish my Mother had done more to protect me from it, she just accepted it was the way he was, he was a good Father when he was well.
If it was just a one off, then I'd make sure he made sure your DC know how sorry he is (my Dad never apologised, I think it might've made a difference as I always blamed myself even though I'd rarely done anything to even warrant a telling off). If it's part of a bigger problem, then encourage him to seek help and do whatever you can to protect your DC.

Meerka · 11/02/2015 20:30

Is this a one-off? If it is, he needs to apologise unreservedly and be damned sure not to do it, or anything like it, again.

If it's not - well, if it's part of a pattern, people have been given family therapy on the NHS for saying those words regularly. (not sure if that would be true now, mind you, but it certainly used to be). It's considered pretty darn dysfunctional parenting and damaging.

If it's part of a pattern of behaviour of telling her that he doesn't like her, in words or actions, he's behaving in a highly damaging way. He needs to seek help. If not - consider the future carefully, it's extremely bad long term for your daughter to be on the receiving end of this.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 11/02/2015 20:36

A long time ago I overhead a conversation where some women discussed whether they would side with their husband or their children. One woman said, you can always get another husband, your child can never get another Mum.

Cutleryhands · 11/02/2015 21:35

Not good but part of life imo. He needs to apologise but these things happen and if kids grow up never having dealt with any negativity they dont stand a chance through their teens.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 11/02/2015 21:43

Cutleryhands, "these things happen" - well they bloody shouldn't! Every parent gets very frustrated with their children at times, but most have the good sense and the desire not to wound them by saying something as hurtful as "I hate you".

Don't you think that if children can't rely on their own parents not to say hurtful things to them, they will end up accepting all manner of crap from others in life?

Jux · 11/02/2015 22:18

I know we do lose it with our children sometimes - we'd be saints if we didn't - but to say you hate them, actually tell one of your children you hate them? No. Not just one of those things, Cutlery. No.

borisgudanov · 12/02/2015 08:45

My bastard father used to say stuff like that to me when I was that age. That's why he never sees his GCs.

rumbleinthrjungle · 12/02/2015 09:24

My EA df did this at separate times to me and my sister. Yes, thirty years later I still remember it. The most damaging part tbh was not what he said - it played a good part in clocking that he was emotionally a child himself at times, not someone to trust or unconditionally attach to because he wasn't and still now isn't safe, and that's his responsibility and his loss in the relationships he could have had with his kids - but that my dm who was the one I had no safety walls with because she was safe, didn't challenge him when he did it. He got a reproachful look and she moved on and covered it up. Had I heard her say directly to him that is not ok, we don't talk to each other like that in this family, don't talk to our daughter like that, anything that put up boundaries, protected and modelled to me how to deal with emotional aggression, I'd have had some resilience. As it was her softly softly approach just taught me she was ok with him being abusive to us, and he mattered to her more than we did.

Please do say something to him about it where she can hear you do it. She needs to know you are not ok with her parent behaving like this and will keep her home safe.

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