Husband told daughter he hates her

[bellflalala]

As above, this morning. We have a difficult relationship and we are at the point where we are trying to work out what to do for the best, and it is probably splitting up, he is very negative and angry. This morning he was dropping both dd's at breakfast club and DD1 (8) was upset because she wanted a jumper so had a tantrum and ran back to the car, so he bought them back home to get jumper, which it turned out she was actually wearing. I came out the house and she was hysterical and told me that he said that he hated her, I asked him if it was true (he often says she makes things up and I don't back him up) and he said he did but this, but that, he didn't mean it. So I gave her a hug, sorted out the jumper situation and they set off again. Now I am wondering what I can do to reassure her that he doesn't hate her and how to explain what happened. Sorry this is a bit confused, I'm in a big sad flap.

I can't believe someone thinks a parent telling their 8 year old child, in anger, they hate them is "part of life".

Your poor DD, please do not let this go unchallenged with your DH. It is a completely unacceptable thing for him to have said. Blame/punish the behaviour and not the child.

My mother repeatedly told me that she hated me, never wanted kids and wished she had never had me. I remember it all and will never forget it. I am now NC with her. My father never spoke up for me or brought my mother to task, we also have no relationship anymore, but not through my choice.

How ever well your daughter seems, the hurt will be there, just under the surface. It is amazing how well children are able to develop a mask to show what they think they ought to. To show the face that they think will bring them unconditional love and acceptance.
Most children have tantrums over seemingly small issues, but to the child that issue is a massive one. Part of being a parent is dealing with tantrums. Parents are only human and do make mistakes, and children learn quickly which buttons to press, being a parent is hard work. However your DH is the adult in this situation and he needs to learn from this and not make this mistake again. How he handles this is going to stick with your DD for life.
How you handle this is also going to stick with her for life, knowing you have just one adult to stand up for you as a child is a godsend and will make a huge difference to her.

He should definitely apologise for his behaviour it was unacceptable. He has to understand that the relationship he has with his daughter is his responsibility and that his comment may be throwaway to him but in the context of an already strained relationship, it could be devastating to her.

I would also insist that your DD apologises to him too, throwing a tantrum over missing something she didn't realise she was already wearing, is , is she acting out because she's picking up on the tensions between her parents?

Your marriage difficulties may or may not have influenced this incident but either way, its time to start working on your relationship issues or start making plans to separate because exposure to a failing marriage is corrosive to everyone