Maintenance

[FuckitAndStartAgain]

I think I know the answer to this but worth a try!

Is there anyway that my stbx can be coerced into paying some support for over 18 not in education children? Mine can not afford to house themselves, even the one in a good job and the other is unemployed. STBX also wants to stop my maintenance asap although I am going to fight that so I can support the children.

I asked him how they were supposed to live without parental support, having reminded him he lived with his parents until 25. He said he could not be forced to contribute and neither could I. Therefore, it is my choice to live with them and he should not have to contribute towards that.

We are about to start mediation having obtained decree nisi a year ago (he moved out nearly two years ago) and he has not come up with anything constructive at all in response to my Lawyers' letters. He now has a baby on the way and says he wants this sorted but seems reluctant to put any effort in...

There are no liquid assets, smallish pension, about 20K of equity in house, he earns well, until this quarter when his earnings have dropped significantly hmm, about five times my salary. So everything will hinge on spousal for the moment, my scary does not cover rent around here by quite some margin. I have a third child still doing GSCEs and work locally so moving is not an option at present.

Any suggestions? I have a feeling I am well and truly fucked. As form this month instead of paying what was agreed per month he has dropped it by £1400. I can't manage on this. This is calculated on his new 'fair' way of working it out he has decreed. He is pushing me into panicking I think, and doing a good job.

It is so unfair that I can not live with my boys as long as they want to live with me simply because he had sex without contraception with a woman who told me SIX years ago that she wanted his babies...

I posted in legal but no response - hoping the increased traffic here will help.I am feeling a bit desperate.

Could you consider moving after your youngest finishes GCSEs? High housing costs in the south are not good for anyone and so many couples, in the event of separation, find that they just can't afford to run 2 households. I know it's sad but so many people can't keep a family home due to the high costs.

My dd went to Uni at 18 and now at 21 moved to a cheaper part of the country as her grad salary doesn't cover the costs of housing and a commute in/around London. She now rents a lovely place and can look to save (slowly) for her own house which just wouldn't be achievable in the SE.

I guess SM for a transition period is perhaps the bridge that you will need. Were you married a long time and have you owned the property for a reasonable time? Is your ex on the mortgage? Would you be able to get a mortgage on your own salary?

Given you work, it's unlikely you will be awarded spousal maintenance as you haven't given up your own earnings to care for the children.

Your children are adults so he is correct in saying that he shouldn't have to pay for them. Would he be open to them moving in with him so he did share the costs and you could downsize?

You have separated and of course that affects how you each run your household. He sounds like he can afford another child, your adult children should be supporting themselves if you can't afford to do it. Both should be able to cover their share of food costs from their benefits or wage. The rest of the bills you would have regardless.

We have been married for 30 years. I have usually worked, sometimes doing people's ironing or delivering parcels. but am only recently back on any sort of career path. Before we had children after ten years of marriage I was the highest earner and it was due to problems with my eldest that I gave up my career. At thirty I was a senior lecturer at Uni and could have undoubtably progressed.

I would move but it could not be far as I am the main carer for my mother. There are cheaper pockets of housing that would be fine.

We have been in current house for two years, we downsized about two months before he said he was off. Unlikely to be coincidence I think. Equity in the house about 10k. My salary is only 22k and I am fifty. I have naff bones and have had a lot of surgery and now am managed by a Pain Clinic. It is unlikely that I would be able to change job, and certainly could not manage a long commute, now.

Rent around here for a three four bed is more than I take home. I have been advised I am unlike to get HB.

He says that me having the boys is a choice, however he would not see them on the street instead he would have them. At the moment nine of them would go but they might not have the luxury of choosing.

Until girlfriend was pregnant he was happy to pay sufficient for me and the boys to stay in house (mortgage payments of nearly 2K) but his situation has changed as have his priorities. Now his girlfriend is 'accidentally pregnant' I can't afford to live with my family. He has gone, and it looks as ough the boys will have to follow. It is fair to say I am really struggling with all this. I expect you can also understand why middle lad has gone off track so far. He idolised his dad.

i feel like giving up.

Given you work, it's unlikely you will be awarded spousal maintenance as you haven't given up your own earnings to care for the children.

It isn't only whether one party works, it's a lot more complex than that. After a long marriage there is an expectation that both sides need to consider the reasonable financial needs of the other. Not split and walk away without a backward glance, leaving the poorer party to sink or swim - that's the law for cohabitants, not spouses.

OP, again, you won't gethelpful legal advice from MN anywhere, but asking about financial arrangements with your divorce on Relationships, and you might as well canvass views in a pub. Honestly, you need at least one session with a solicitor, and then try mediation with your H on the spousal support front.

I don't think he has any legal (or moral, in all honesty) responsibility to support grown men. I don't think you do, either, though obviously most parents would want to.

I'd see a solicitor, but I think he sees 'the boys' as grown men. If the 18-year-old is not in work or FT education, he may not have to pay anything for him, either.

I have a lawyer. We start mediation hopefully next week as my lawyer says she can't get through to him he has an obligation to me if not boys.

It sticks in my throat to seek money from him for 'me' in order to live with boys.

I am a bit wary of lawyers and their motives, was pretty certain if answers but kinda hoped someone might pop up with something that had not been considered. Bit anxious about mediation, I have a goal and would give up pension entitlement to achieve but think I am chasing rainbows. Unfortunately you guys have confirmed this.

Youngest will obv get some support for a couple of years. Middle lad 18 in May but stbx not paying for him now as not in ed. When 18 he can claim job seekers and maybe the advisor at the job centre will have more luck/leverage to get him to apply for more jobs.

We shall see.

If you downsized recently, what happened to the equity in your old, presumably larger, more expensive house? Who was in charge of that transaction?

STBX - used to pay off debts. I think I can follow all the money routes and they seem transparent.

What I don't understand is why we had so much debt, no holidays etc taken here!

Six years ago, when had affair with current girlfriend he was gambling. It was very respectable , he was buying and selling shares but nonetheless gambling and some losses were made. He always denied doing it again. I don't know if that is so but lack the resources for a forensic check and was not able to find any evidence.

He works in Finance so has far more knowledge of money than I, although I have learned a lot recently.

yep, agree your boys should be supporting themselves. Isn't the unemployed one eligible for JSA?

My mum was a lone parent (widowed, so no maintenance or CS). I got jobs. Cleaning floors, cleaning toilets, admin work, bar work, anything I could get. Once I went to uni I got summer jobs, one summer I had 3!

I didn't expect her to support me once I turned 18. Personally I don't think anybody should expect to be supported. Nice if your parents can help, but they're not obliged to.

So he decided it was best for the family to downsize, paid off his debts eith your shared equity and then left 2 months later? That is cynical.

I think it's reasonable for children to expect financial support say up the age of 21 if they are willing to work or are students. But beyond that age I think it's at the discretion of the parents as to how much they support their children financially. You all must start taking responsibility for your own finances. You can't really expect your ex to go on paying for adults indefinitely.

I apologise. Didn't read your post properly. I see you do work hard and aren't well. I'm sorry.

Yep Lala! Fair to say I feel a little stupid especially as he has 'got back together' with the girlfriend who nearly wrecked - obv did wreck - our marriage six years ago. Six years of me trying to be good enough without a chance. Is all crap really.

Eldest contributes heavily having chosen to stay here rather than seek a flat share (not 25% of costs though - he could not possibly manage that), middle lad problematic but will need to sign on in May if still has no work. I will ask STBX again not to give him spending money. Youngest contributes to his own needs through gardening etc - I do not want him seeking more work as he is on target for straight As and above in his GCSEs this year.

Young people in care are now allowed to stay with foster carers until 21 and this is funded by government. They are no longer thrown out with their job seekers allowance. I see no reason why young people with parents should not be receiving help from both parents until this age, especially if they are having difficulties in adjusting. I would push this.

Can you get your DS18 interested in doing a Princes Trust Teamwork course, if he is having trouble with finding direction? It might help him grow up and focus on what he wants, and take his mind away from his troubles. It is free, and you still get your benefits. There are other courses around that use the same template. There are also charities that will help get young people into work/apprenticeships/education. One I know of is Tomorrow's people, but I think that is very local. There are others around.

I will look again at Princes trust. There was little here last time I looked. Slightly brighter news he has prepared tea for tonight.

I found Princes Trust TW courses come and go on a daily basis on the website - my DS signed up for one, ended up on one that started a week later that we did not know about until after, and went away with a large group from a nearby town that I had absolutely no idea about........... I think it depends on the organisations that are prepared to run it.

Enjoy your tea

Thanks for the heads up Day, I had no idea that they changed so rapidly.

Worth a thread even if as expected no solutions to the main issue and a telling off for supporting adults! I do expect independence but also expect to support them towards that goal and for a variety of reasons mine are not there yet. I have emails from STBX also stating the need for support and he would help in meeting this. But, things have changed. I wish I had insisted on legal financial agreement when his priority was our boys. Live and learn.

I had a look at the map again - ironically, there are none running in Wales . Other charites and youth organisations run similar courses using the same basic structure - keep your ear to the ground. I live in a normally godforsaken area of the country for this sort of thing, and have had an adult son with problems at home for over a year, but we suddenly have a plethora of PT courses, and a youth employment centre.

Hope your STBX steps up and makes good his previous promise. It will probably be a good thing for him too, in the long run, if his sons are helped at this stage.

I think sometimes we don't read all of a thread before responding so missing important bits.

From what you say I don't think your stbx is totally unfeeling as some are. Rather he doesn't want to get taken to the cleaners! You haven't said that he is paying maintenance for DS3 but presumably he is. His spousal maintenance to you is at the moment voluntary, and he gives his DC pocket money, so moving forward...

No you don't want the youngest doing more work at this stage.

You would ideally like to stay where you are, but financially this is not possible. I don't think anyone would suggest DS1 move out if he is earning and contributing. I don't really understand how after a long marriage you have down-sized but yet have only 10/20% equity in your current house.

I think you have a case, stbx's income depending, for staying in the house till DS3 is 18. It would be argued that you have largely looked after the DC during your marriage and do not have earning capacity that stbx has. On that basis you should claim spousal maintenance - for a while atl least. either now or after this you would have to look at downsizing - DSs sharing a bedroom etc. don't worry - they will become adaptable with time and will realise what the alternative is. We lived in a 5 bed detached Victorian house last year and are now in a mid terrace rental...My DDs say they are much happier!

However unfortunately this will not be sorted till you get to the final consent order. And I read yesterday that this cannot be implemented till the Decree Absolute is granted. So I should get the ball rolling...

'Bit anxious about mediation, I have a goal and would give up pension entitlement to achieve '

I think this would be quite unwise, given your current salary, your health issues and your age.

You really need to start thinking of these 'boys' as what they are to the rest of the world: adults.

In an ideal world, such young adults would have access to parental monetary support, time to save for the years and years and years it now takes for a deposit to purchase a home in many areas, not have to pay keep for their own lodging, food and bills.

This is no longer a reality for many and certainly not for you and these young men.

You have already significantly compromised your long-term financial well-being in the name of caring when they were children.

You simply cannot afford this anymore and they are not legally children. You cannot afford to enable these adult to do all these things like buy their own home or keep them gratis, as in the case of your middle child, as you can in no way significantly increase your income any time soo.

I would see a financial advisor, too, tbh because you are sliding into old age with some serious issues due to continually enabling your adult children when you can no longer afford to do so because no matter what, your marriage is now over and no matter what, your former husband will soon have another minor child on which his income will be used to calculate support.

There are plenty of ways parents can continue to support their children in adulthood that do not involve housing them for years to come.

I would start now, too, on a long-term plan and some budgeting courses for all three of your children because let's face it, after the youngest completes secondary/grammar school, it is very likely your income will drop even further.

I get the feeling your ex has managed to hide some money from you but I know saying it isn't helpful.

'I get the feeling your ex has managed to hide some money from you but I know saying it isn't helpful.'

Or that his gambling costs a lot more than he let on.

I think the latter. I don't know.

Boys, especially son number three v good at budgeting. But thanks for the suggestion. That sounded odd, but I do mean thanks for taking the time to think about it all! They are all competent cooks, can manage their money, can (or will be taught to) and tie a proper black tie! Lifeskills eh?! Oh I don't do any of their washing either and son number one always does Sunday lunch.

Just had an email from SBTX informing me that he will not be able to any next month as his own costs are unexpectedly high! He pointed out that as he generally pays more than just child support that is fine.

Bobs, he was being v generous, less so now...

Keeping everything crossed for that interview tomorrow. Have sought and arranged for some help for me, counselling wise. Into work tomorrow and hoping the shit does not hit the fan due to missed deadlines - hoping to,avoid some of it anyway!

Please beware of running up lawyers. Fees with no end in sight