has anyone felt let down by dh during labour?

[perfectlybroken]

I did, and think I have come to terms with it, but never really spoken to anyone about it. Has anyone felt the same way?

Nini sorry my comments were for the OP, not you, your experience sounds horrendous, but all part of a wider pattern of awfulness and I'm glad he's going to be your ex very soon.

Thanks napoleon .

It's true - we are sold the image of the lovely partner, and I appreciate that men can get very scared at seeing a loved one in so much pain, but there is that fine line between that and someone who is just an arsehole. It's the lack of empathy that differentiates between the two I think.

Apparently when my mum woke in the night with contractions with her dc3 she jabbed dad awake. He told her it was probably indigestion (her third child, she probably knows the difference). She kicked him and told him it was definitely bloody labour and to get in the car .

He drove her to the hospital except first he went to his office 'to sort some stuff out as he wouldn't be in' while labouring mum waited in the car outside for 45 minutes (mum was timing her contractions so knew the time). What makes this worse is the hospital is actually nearer than his office. Living at the bottom of an imaginary letter B, the hospital is on the lower loop and his office is at the upper loop. He almost drove past the hospital to get to his office!

Mum got to the hospital, screamed for an epidural and was told it was too late.

For dc1 dad whined and whinged about how hungry he was as he'd missed lunch (as had the woman in labour). For my birth (in dc2) dad was OK, but mum had an epidural so didn't need so much support.

She did LTB eventually and I can't say he ever managed to become a decent father even from those poor beginnings. Some people are just rubbish at being there for other people.

The only mistake I made (as far as I know) was eating a sandwich DW had turned down, only for her to be ravenous an hour later when there were no sandwiches left

1944girl omg that's horrific! How dare he treat you like that! Do you actually want to be with him? Because it sounds as though you don't like him let alone love him and vice versa.

I hope you're looking after yourself and that your sons haven't turned out like their father.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you

I assumed my DH would be rubbish during labour so factored that into my plans. I knew he would stress me out.

I knew when I woke up things were starting but I didn't tell him til the evening when my sister came around that it had started.

The plan was all along that he would sit out with my sister's baby while she was my birth partner. They swapped so he could come in at the last stage.

His responsibility had been too bring the bags to the hospital and he forgot the one with the baby's things!

I don't think all men are cut out for births. I had low expectations despite the fact that he's a great DH.

I think you need women around.

I think you need women around.

My wife had me, a male midwife and eventually male surgeons for the caesaerian.
Her worst nightmare would be to have her mother there.

The thing is, some births can be very painful, medicalised, complicated and pretty much traumatic.

Mine was pretty shit, but at least I eventually got some drugs and also I had the benefit of that sort of spaced-out place you go to when you're contracting for hours.

Husbands (or wives, I don't think gender matters here) are observers. Watching their loved one in pain, watching things being done to them, not being able to help.

Some are clearly just arses and aren't going to do anything helpful. But for a lot of partners, the women might look at the birth experience and think that they were let down by their partner, but sometimes forget that their partner might also be scared, and just not know what to do.

My EXH was an arse because labour was NOT all about him. So he delayed me going to hospital, had to walk the dog (why? He never bothered usually),have a shave, then afterwards regaled stories of how I scratched his neck as I gave birth with no pain relief

With dd1, once we were home, he fucked off to the pub with a colleague, leaving me to cook lunch and entertain his pervy father.

So reassuring that other people had experiences like this. I thought I was the only one. My DH took me to hospital to be induced with my first baby, and then, at midnight, once labour had started and became painful, left to go home and sleep and 'look after the farm', only returning 14 hours later, after being rung by the hospital, just before the birth, when he told the midwives a lot of jokes about lambing. I'll never forget that feeling of being completely abandoned by him, and left on my own in excruciating pain. Now (because he later left me for someone else) I think it was simply a very clear, early sign that he was 'Not That Into Me'.

My first labour with ds he was perfect and didn't I know about it. For years after it was his get out of jail free card for any amount of shit behaviour.

My second he was an absurd twat from the moment I told him I was having pains and needed to go to hospital "are you sure? Remember how long it took last time? Can't be arsed hanging around all day."

Then he took me to hospital and dropped me off at around 4.00 pm then went to drop ds off with his Mum. He showed up back at the hospital at about 10.00 pm, having had dinner with his parents and whatever else. I was in agony by then and really needed him to advocate for me. He was totally disengaged, on his phone, doing his hair in the mirror while the midwife talked about the c-section I would now need. The day after she was born he didn't come in till 7 at night. I had no one there at all, everyone else had visitors all day, not me. I lay there barely able to move and having to call a nurse every time I needed to pick up dd. I was crying by the time he arrived.

I seethe even now thinking about that. Nearly 9 years on.

Absolute twat, not absurd

My ex refused to be at the birth, arrived 20 minutes after baby arrived and turned his nose up at having to see a placenta on a trolley, held the baby, then said "I've had a very tiring day so I need to go home now". Seriously. Midwife said to me "now you have two babies". I said "not for long". Never really got over how lonely I was at such a special time. He left five weeks later and it was a relief even though I was still lonely.

I had a really long painful labour and was holding my dhs hand ...my dh announced his hand was getting sore and the whole room just stopped and looked at him

Apparently at this point I turned into the exorcist and growled let me hold his fucking dick then

When I got out of hospital I had a lot of stitches and the mid wife suggested I sit on ice poles and told my dh to go to the shop for them, his response....what flavor will I get?

Hopeless rather than bad!

I think we've all been sold a lemon to have the father there.

My DH can't stand the sight of blood, or any pain- he was faint and useless at the births and only came into his own as a parent when they were past the baby stage.

I would have preferred to have had him absent so I could concentrate on the births and not to have to worry about him too. It does nothing for the women who need someone there for them to have a lemon sitting moaning on and on in the place where someone useful could be.

I wonder if the book spiritual midwifery and Sheila katzingers natural home birth movement has brought men in where they really shouldn't be as as emotionally and practically they're not up to it, and the woman can never forget how let down she was by him.

I think it's the lack of effort these so called men make that hurt.

I know the feeling. My Exdp was absolutely useless but i didnt have anyone else to be there.

It's not rocket science just compassion & care...

Venus I agree. Obv some men step up but in an 'animal' way I think women are better with other women at the birth (as recent studies suggest).

My now ex, went home during my labour as 'he was tired' and said I should call him when i was nearly there!!! I was 16days overdue, had been in hospital for 2 days already being unsuccessfully induced and hadn't slept a wink in all that time & he thinks he was tired!! The midwife was horrified & asked me if it was ok, told her it wasnt worth the aggro I would get if I tried to argue with him. He was a twat during the pregnancy ( planned a 3 day trip away the week I was due being one of the many examples) & an even bigger twat once my ds had arrived. I can't believe I had a child with this man. Apparently his paternity leave was actually a holiday for him & he needed a break so for 2 weeks went to the gym, cinema, played golf etc etc. I had no family/friends nearby, can't think why I ended up with PND. The only good thing to come from it is my gorgeous boy who makes me smile every day (unlike his pathetic excuse for a father grrrrrr)

DH was all 'read up' on it and I was prepared to hear his expert advice being carefully explained to me. Actually he was great. He didn't mind my waters breaking all over his feet in the bathroom. He did give me some stupid instructions while I was in the shower and he was cleaning the floor. 'Try to keep your legs crossed and hold it in until we get to the hospital and remember to breathe'. But he was a bit panicky so I just laughed. He was great at the hospital, until he fell asleep for an hour or so- while I walked round the room. As it went on he was really encouraging and supportive, although he did complain I was squeezing his hand too tightly and it was hurting. At one point he asked if I wanted half a ham sandwich- I am vegetarian and was about 9cm dilated at the time. But on the whole he was a star-even when I was off it on gas and air and swore at him that if my fanjo fell out I was holding him completely responsible and we were never having sex again- with lots of swearing mixed in with that sentiment.

I was induced on the Friday, he spent the day there with me while nothing happened and then left to go home to his parents to be fawned over while I started contracting and was awake all night. He turned up about 11am the next day as my contractions had stopped and fussed and fussed about his lunch and what would they have in the canteen, despite the fact I had a bag full of food for him. Fell asleep on my bed hogging the TV with Top Gear repeats. I finally went through to the labour room for the drip later afternoon where he proceeded to question everyone about whether he could eat my dinner ordered and would they remember to bring it through to him. Then fell asleep on the bean bag and woke up later moaning that he didnt have my dinner tray .

I was majorly contracting by then but my cervix had not opened and I was needing to push and had to be held down. In the end he called my mum to come and help and as soon as she turned up guess where he went... yep, the canteen. While he was there I had the epidural. To his credit he did get take out but it smelt so made me vomit, not good when trying to inhale gas. He refused to get the baby bag out of the car. I ended up having an emergency CS which was fine except he announced the wrong gender and the baby had to be dressed in hospital clothing .

The following day he didnt turn up until gone 2pm becuase his parents had taken him out for a celebration lunch . Meanwhile DD had been taken away from me that morning as she had low bloods leaving me alone in recovery wondering why he bloody wasnt there to marvel over her. When he did turn up he wandered off in search of food 1 hour later.

So in all not brilliant. I don't think I will forgive him. But I do have photographic evidence of his sleeping taken by the midwife which I later posted on his Facebook.

Sorry for the essay, first time I have written this down .

I won't mention the first night home 3 days later where I had to sleep on a chair in the nursery as her breathing was 'keeping him awake' and my mum (staying to cook and clean for us) was in the spare room. I also wont mention how he dragged me all over a national trust property 2 hours drive away 6 days post section, because he was bored at home. Yes I did have to push the pram.

Love christinas holding the dick comment.

littleunderdog jokes about lambing my dh asked if the baby would come out in a sac...another farmer...