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Original poster

If you were me, would you leave?

33 replies

BrokenCandy · 10/02/2015 16:34

Because I just don't know what to do now

Something happened on Saturday that has changed the way I feel about my husband and my marriage, it might seem minor to some people but I just can't seem to move on from it

I'll try and sum things up in as few words as I can, but I'm sorry if this ends up being long, I would really appreciate any advice

H and I have been together a long time and we have children. Things have been good up until now- in fact more than good. For a while we had been having some issues with our sex life (frequency) but even then we were pretty happy. Not long ago I started a conversation about it and we had a really good talk about what was wrong and what we wanted. So after that things were great, sex was much more frequent. Then at the weekend I found him using porn in secret Sad despite the fact we had both agreed not to use porn and we'd been having plenty of sex (and were going to again that night)

What has made things even worse is that since then we have not mentioned it at all. We are being polite and talking when we need to about the kids but things are very frosty and I'm pissed off that he is ignoring me when I haven't done anything wrong!

Normally I would initiate a conversation but this time I just don't want to. I'm not sure if I still want to be with him, I feel like all the trust has gone. I also feel that the onus is on him to make the first move

But I'm also aware that it isn't just about me

So, I have no idea where to go from here

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 10/02/2015 16:43

Had he been using porn before, with or without your knowledge, whilst your sex life was a problem ? Just wondering if he'd got into a habit of doing so, and therefore was still drawn to it although things have improved ?

I too would feel that the onus is on him to make the first move. He's probably embarrassed, feeling guilty and hoping it'll all just go away. You are however more than entitled to ask him about the situation, whatever the outcome.

Are you also afraid to start the conversation in case it opens up a can of worms ?

Linguini · 10/02/2015 16:47

So you mean you walked in on him wanking off to porn? how do mean you found him using porn?

It sounds like he is embarrassed so is avoiding the conversation.
It is up to you to raise the issue if you think it will effect your relationship.

Original poster
BrokenCandy · 10/02/2015 16:50

I don't know if he'd been using porn before but I'm guessing he was. One of the reasons I was unhappy with using porn was because my sex drive has always been higher than his- so him using porn instead of being intimate with me would be really hurtful

We'd also had discussions on the harm porn can cause in relationships so it was a joint decision not to use it, not just me laying down the law iyswim. Which is why it feels like such a breach of trust

I am worried about opening a can of worms but really I mostly feel like why should I be the one to 'break' first? I'm almost always the one who starts important conversations and it's not something I've minded. But I don't want to this time, if I do how will I know if he does want to fix things or not? I'm also really confused and annoyed that he is being very icily polite and detached with me when I haven't done anything wrong?!

I'm sorry that is all so muddled, my head is such a mess at the moment but thank you for replying

OP posts:
IsabeauMichelle · 10/02/2015 16:53

When you say that you've been having problems with mismatch of sex drive, how often do you want it in comparison to how much you were doing it?

Original poster
BrokenCandy · 10/02/2015 16:54

I didn't catch him masterbating, I turned on his ipad and the porn was on the page. I'm also not sure if he was masterbating instead of having sex with me or if he was watching it before coming to have so with me. And I don't know which one is worse Sad

I know I am being unreasonable to not talk to him about it, but apart from wanting him to make the first move I also don't know what I want to happen next. I'm not sure if I can get past this

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenCandy · 10/02/2015 16:57

Sorry isabeau crossed posts

The sex drive mismatch has been down to communication as well as logistics (it's all a bit complicated!) but that was why I was so pleased that we finally seemed to be on the same page and working together on it so we were both happy

If this had happened before 'the talk' I could have understood it a lot more and found it easier to deal with

OP posts:
namechangeafternamechange · 10/02/2015 17:00

I have to admit, I really don't understand why women get so upset when OH/DH uses porn. But then everybody is so different and what bothers me might not bother the next person.

Can I ask what it is exactly that has upset you? Do you feel that he may be comparing you to the women in the movies? Do you feel they are exploitative? Do you fear he is fantasizing about the film whilst being intimate with you?

For me this wouldn't be a deal breaker. In actual fact I might even be slightly thankful for it if it appears to have improved my sex life. But, as I said, that's just me.

The lack of communication would wind me up more. If I found OH doing something that I felt needed a conversation then I would get angry if he just clammed up.

aglassofmandms · 10/02/2015 17:04

I agree with namechangeafternamechange

Newrule · 10/02/2015 17:04

You seem to feel that his use of porn (in whatever way) is saying something about you. I don't think that's the case. Perhaps it is a bad habit he needs to break. Don't reflect his problem onto you. There is nothing 'wrong' with you.

Also don't make this a battle over who cracks first. Be the mature and brave one and start the conversation. He owes you an explanation.

Is the relationship over? Only you know whether this is something you can forgive.

Original poster
BrokenCandy · 10/02/2015 17:05

I understand namechange Smile and I used to feel the same way as you. In fact we both used to use porn together and separately. And while I do have issues in general with porn now the main problem here is that the decision to stop using it was mutual. We had a discussion about the problems it can cause amongst other things and he agreed that it wouldn't be something we did

So it's breaking of trust and then immediately clamming up/ignoring me that I'm finding it hard to get past

OP posts:
onenutshortofasnickers · 10/02/2015 17:05

This basically happened to me I nearly started a thread on it but didn't in the end.

I am staying and we are trying to work things through but it is hard as the trust was broken and I have always made my views on porn very very clear, it is up to you what you do but you are going to have to talk about it.

Jan45 · 10/02/2015 17:10

I would feel like you OP, first he has gone against what you agreed so he's lying and 2 if sex is frequent why the need for porn.

Not to mention if he's using it before he has sex with you, then just yuck.

DinosaursStillExist · 10/02/2015 17:12

Sorry to be crude but is there any chance that he could be using the porn before having sex with you in order to last longer in the bedroom? Could this have been part of his problem before you started getting physical more frequently? Obviously you don't need to answer that but maybe it's something you could consider.

Also, I don't know how much fact there is in this but I've been told that some men masturbate more when they're having more frequent sex as their drive is increased vs not masturbating particularly often when sex is less frequent.

theendoftheendoftheend · 10/02/2015 17:12

So he knows you found the porn? You mentioned it at the time?

DinosaursStillExist · 10/02/2015 17:14

just to add to that, I think that it should be up to him to explain and not for you to have the onus on you unless you want to because it's really not fair beig left to wonder. He at least owes you an honest explanation even if it's not what you would prefer to hear

Original poster
BrokenCandy · 10/02/2015 17:18

I don't mind at all dinosaur, no no problems like that and no need for him to want to last longer. If he was just 'in the mood' I was completely available in the room next door

Yes he knows I saw it, he was in the bath- I went into the bathroom to chat with him and opened a page on his ipad. I didn't say anything because I was so surprised and he jumped up and grabbed his ipad. I left the room and things have been nothing but frosty since then

I'm sorry if I'm missing any replies, I do appreciate you all taking the time to talk to me

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 10/02/2015 17:18

I understand the situation more clearly following your last post op. It really is about the broken promise and lack of trust isn't it, porn just happens to be the issue here.

Try not to see raising the issue with him as being the first to crack. You're actually doing what he wants, allowing him to avoid the situation and bury his head in the sand. Do what you want, which is speak about the matter and let him know how you feel. If you think you won't like his response, that's another matter.

Original poster
BrokenCandy · 10/02/2015 17:19

Snickers I'm sorry this happened to you too but I'm glad you're working your way through it

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenCandy · 10/02/2015 17:21

That is a really good way of looking at it nicenewdusters! I hadn't even considered that by keeping quiet I am doing exactly what he wants

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 10/02/2015 17:23

If I were you, I would not leave OP. Good marriages with some issues can be fixed. If you and your DH cannot fix it by yourselves, perhaps some couples Counselling would help.

CinnabarRed · 10/02/2015 17:39

So, in a sense, it's not so much about the porn (although I hear what you're saying about broken trust and not wanting to support the industry), but about him masturbating instead of having sex with you? I'm picking that up in particular from your sentence "If he was just 'in the mood' I was completely available in the room next door"

The thing is - sometimes I just want an orgasm but I don't want sex. I don't want to think about some else's pleasure, or get sweaty if I've just had a bath, or am tired/stressed and want quick, uncomplicated release. DH is the same.

How do you feel about your DH masturbating without porn? Would that also cause you distress?

I have to say, I wouldn't be willing to give up masturbating occasionally if DH asked it of me.

Original poster
BrokenCandy · 10/02/2015 17:50

I would definitely consider couples counselling dione, in fact if he were to suggest it I would be very happy to work on things

Cinnebar, I see what you mean, but no I have no issues with him masterbating at all. The 'in the mood' comment was more a reply to another poster who said that maybe the more frequent sex was making him want more and that was why he was using the porn. If he hadn't wanted to have sex that night I would have been fine with that, it really is about the lieing and broken trust

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 10/02/2015 18:00

OP, if you had both decided together that you needed to get fitter, and agreed to no more snacks and that you'd start getting more exercise, and then you found him eating a bag of crisps in secret, would you be asking "is my relationship over"?

I'm not trying to minimise the problem and obviously your sex life is a lot more emotive than a diet! But if your sex life has been better since you talked originally, I would personally turn a blind eye to him occasionally slipping back to old habits and having a sneaky tug in the bath. In the same way, I wouldn't expect my partner to police my wanking, if I decided I wanted a quick stress reliever but didn't want the hassle of getting him warmed up and taken care of too.

I do think you need to talk and one of the things you can say is "It often feels like if I don't bring up important subjects, they will never get addressed". Because his lack of saying anything about this is really (to me) more serious than the actual porn.

Pandora37 · 10/02/2015 18:08

IME the amount of sex a man is getting has nothing do with whether he wants to watch porn or not. It's my understanding that men (and some women) watch porn because of the fantasy element, whether that's because he gets turned on by lesbian sex, anal or whatever it is that he won't be doing with you or doesn't feel he can share with you for whatever reason.

I suspect that your husband went along with it because he thought it's what you wanted and he'd just do it in secret occasionally with you never finding out. I've seen a lot of women on here who say they've come to an agreement with their husbands that they won't watch porn any more and maybe I'm cynical but I always have a lot of doubts that a man who is used to watching a lot of porn is suddenly going to stop. I think that rarely happens.

Personally, I wouldn't leave him over this. I think this kind of situation deserves a second chance. I do think he needs to be honest with you that actually he doesn't want to stop watching porn, as clearly he doesn't. Where you go from there, I don't know. I guess just have a thorough chat about it all. I hope you manage to work it out.

IsabeauMichelle · 10/02/2015 18:12

Sometimes you just want a quick wank though, don't you?

Hope you manage to work this out.