If you were me, would you leave?

[BrokenCandy]

Because I just don't know what to do now

Something happened on Saturday that has changed the way I feel about my husband and my marriage, it might seem minor to some people but I just can't seem to move on from it

I'll try and sum things up in as few words as I can, but I'm sorry if this ends up being long, I would really appreciate any advice

H and I have been together a long time and we have children. Things have been good up until now- in fact more than good. For a while we had been having some issues with our sex life (frequency) but even then we were pretty happy. Not long ago I started a conversation about it and we had a really good talk about what was wrong and what we wanted. So after that things were great, sex was much more frequent. Then at the weekend I found him using porn in secret despite the fact we had both agreed not to use porn and we'd been having plenty of sex (and were going to again that night)

What has made things even worse is that since then we have not mentioned it at all. We are being polite and talking when we need to about the kids but things are very frosty and I'm pissed off that he is ignoring me when I haven't done anything wrong!

Normally I would initiate a conversation but this time I just don't want to. I'm not sure if I still want to be with him, I feel like all the trust has gone. I also feel that the onus is on him to make the first move

But I'm also aware that it isn't just about me

So, I have no idea where to go from here

I don't get why you have asked is if we would leave. Surely you know that nearly everybody would not leave over this. If you want to leave over it then of course you can, but I wouldn't.

You don't need porn to wank though, especially if you've discussed it with your partner and agreed not to use it.

OP, talk to your DH, you're not going to get a satisfactory resolution whilst you're both stonewalling each other. He should be instigating this, but it's not happening, so be the bigger person and talk to him.

But why has he been told agreed not to use it?

Look, I'm not going to argue about porn. It's just that lied that is the problem.

Candy, it is hard I'm upset I don't know what the future holds my husband will at least be going to counselling to find out why as he maintains he doesn't agree with porn and had no need etc bit of a backstory but I guess if I didn't have kids I might have walked, nearly did.

It's hard because I love him and I trusted him completely and he broke it. Also I know if the tables were turned he would not be okay with it either. It's hard and what makes it worse is a lot of people find it acceptable when it really really isn't. Masturbation is okay but porn is not.

But I'm not here to get into an argument. It is the deception of the whole thing.

Hope you are ok and sending un mumsnetty hugs and I am sorry you are in this situation as well, it sucks.

Its hard to talk to someone that you have lost respect for. The lie breaks the emotional intimacy that a couple share. Its not about porn per sa. Its the feeling that your spouse, who you have totally trusted, lies to you. The betrayal of integrity destroys part of the foundations. you respect him less and no matter how you phrase it you can't trust a liar.

I have been inthis position, almost exactly, it nearly destroyed our family and our respective mental health. Its the lies that kill it, but you question what you've had and the future you always thought you would have.

For me it was the respect. I thought he was better than that.

Anyway we are still together and things are good but it was a long road. I think it was about 12 months before I could start to move on.

I think in a long relationship people lie about little things all the time. I think porn is a little thing to him so he doesn't feel bad about using it. Perhaps he also thinks of it as private to him and resents the fact that you came to this 'mutual' agreement, which might not have felt that mutual to him. It might also help him regarding the frequency issue. Makes him feel sexier.

If it isn't affecting his sex life with you, I'd let it go. But I'd pick him up on the frostiness and not acknowledging the fact that he's broken an agreement. I think you might have to admit that the agreement was a bad idea in the first place, though.

I certainly wouldn't leave him over it. When you have children??? It's not some major deception like adultery or misuse of family money or alcoholism or addiction to gambling. Talk about it.

You're seriously thinking of leaving your hubby because he had a porn page on his iPad? Wow. Poor guy. I'd really hope someone I married loved me more than that.