The people closest to me seem to want me to fail

[TooGoodyTwoShoes]

Feeling low today. This morning I received a phonecall offering me a job interview. This will be my first ever post graduate position. The highest salary I've every had by about £10k and my first ever "professional" job. The very first step of my career.

I called my mum and she replied "oh? an interview? well doesn't mean you have the job though does it". well obviously not but an interview is a positive thing in anyone's book, surely? she went on to say "thought you didn't want to work there anyway? still a job is a job I suppose." FFS I never said I didn't want to work there, I just said from the applications I'd done there are others I would have preferred, I'm still bloody ecstatic at getting an interview for this one! She then said "oh anyway, did I tell you about my gas bill?" .... so she rattled on about that for ages and the job interview was not mentioned again. My younger sister's 1500 word assignment was mentioned in a "oh poor stressed out Dot, guess what she has to do!" kind of way. Strangely enough the mention of my 12,000 word dissertation was ignored.

Anyway it's not just her. Ever since I applied for these jobs DP has been going on about "ooo no interviews? what a shame .... " you know, really rubbing it in.

When I told him today about this interview he seemed strangely surprised, and not in a good way.

Just feeling generally fed up and pissed off today.

Have you asked them why they appear to be so negative?

These are people who are meant to be supporting you and instead putting you down. Off course an interview is a positive thing and well done for getting that. Stop telling your mother things, then you will have less of a chance of being disappointed. As for your dp, is he generally this way with you?

I know exactly how you feel .

Every success I ever have is seen as a personal slight to my mother, especially as my sister has spent the last few years tossing it off and has made some seriously poor personal and financial decisions (she is the favoured child).

Its jealousy, masqueraded as concern. As long as you believe you can do it, that is all that matters.

Good Luck with the interview unless its for the same position as I am going for this week otherwise you can feck off.

Oh, and your DP sounds like a prick. Sorry.

Congratulations on your interview
This is a quite well documented thing - it's brought about by their fear, that you are leaving them behind/outgrowing them and they themselves are insecure in what they have chosen.

Be proud of yourself. An interview in today's job market is an achievement. You may not get this post but you will learn from it either way - and be better next time.

That's awful.
Don't tell them anymore. Don't remind them when the interview is.
You don't need their negativity.
Just go for it and good luck.
(Then rub it in when you get the job!)

Well done OP for getting an interview - no mean feat these days! Good luck.

I can understand how hurt you feel about this. My mother is similar! But I think it's not meant to feel as isolating and hurtful as it comes over. People get caught up in their own worlds, and they see only the struggles that are close to them (those of your sister), not those that are further off (yours). It is a rare person who can really sit down and think how difficult it must be to be in someone else's shoes. Unfortunately, you can't make someone into something they are not - if your mother can't really understand your anxieties and position, then perhaps she's not the best person to chat to about this. You might find it easier to cut your losses and chat to her only about the gas bill and the sunshine for a bit.

I would have a word with your DP and suggest that his reaction isn't really helping you through what is a very stressful time. It is very unsupportive of him to respond like that - and the teasing is undermining and out of order. As someone closer to you, he should be doing more of the emotional heavy lifting!

Your family are shit. your DP too.

Please stop giving a fuck what they think about anything and get on with the business of your interviews, get the job (fingers crossed) and fuck them ALL off.

Please don't tell them anything about what you are doing, because they are just there to wear you down.

Dump the DP, and go low contact with your family. You will find in a very short time that the lack of their poison in your life will enable you to flourish in ways you can't imagine.

I'm sorry you have such an unsupportive shower of idiots around you, please stop expecting them to care about you/your achievements when they never have done in the past.

Has your younger sister always been the Golden Child? Have you been aware of being the Scapegoat for long?

Feel pissed off! you have every right to be so.

(((HUG)))

Good Luck with the interview ((unless its for the same position as I am going for this week otherwise you can feck off.))

love it!

Thanks for the positive comments, my mum has always been like this - especially when her twat of a husband is in the background stirring the shit. I always remember once when I was pregnant with my first baby. I called my mother and said excitedly "oh I'm starting to feel little twinges!" and she sighed and said "oh right, why is it nearly due or somat." This was because her inlaws were sat there, all disapproving of me in unison and she'd rather upset me than upset them.

My younger sister is 21, never had a job in her life, failed all her GCSEs and basically quits everything she starts so every little thing she does is bigged up to a ridiculous scale ... "Oh dot has got her provisional license! how clever of her!" .... yes, that walk to the post office must really have taken its toll.

I would further raise your already too low boundaries with your family and seriously consider what sort of relationship you actually have with these people. Tell them what they deserve to know; nothing from now on. It sounds really like you are the scapegoat for all their inherent ills; they are jealous of your success and want to put you down.

Your man is perhaps basically another version of them, is he always like this towards you?. If so I would consider whether he is worth any of your time now too.

And best of luck with your interview as well .

shovetheholly your comment:
But I think it's not meant to feel as isolating and hurtful as it comes over. People get caught up in their own worlds, and they see only the struggles that are close to them (those of your sister), not those that are further off (yours). It is a rare person who can really sit down and think how difficult it must be to be in someone else's shoes.

Sorry love, but this is not normal - if you have DC would you treat them like this? Would you genuinely not be happy/celebratory of a job chance for one of your kids if the other has a report to write? or if you have received a flaming gas bill? Think about this and really challenge it. You too have been brought up to see that you don't matter. I had the same, and realised a couple of years ago. Living in full understanding of this has been painful, but better than setting myself up for expectations which will never be delivered, and in fact I'd be worn down by them.

Normal people very much think of others and empathise. be they a partner, a parent or a friend.

Normal people (even if they are mere acquaintances) would be more enthusiastic about an interview/great job prospect than these people have been.

yeah, kick arse at that interview and nail that job!

You've written about your man recently as well haven't you OP?. He is truly an arse of the first order and yet another one who puts you down. He and your family of origin have much in common.

yeah, kick arse at that interview and nail that job!

Dp has admitted a couple of things in the past (after a drink) which I think still rings true, even if he refuses to acknowledge that he ever said them.

1. I feel a bit insecure that once you qualify and earn a decent salary you'll leave me because it will be easier for you to make it on your own.

2. I feel a bit insecure that you might get a new job and end up falling for another man.

3. I feel a bit insecure that when you qualify and start earning a good salary, you will become more appealing to other men.

I think personally, his biggest fear is that he knows that if I get this job, come September I'm in a MUCH stronger position to leave.

"Normal people very much think of others and empathise. be they a partner, a parent or a friend.

Normal people (even if they are mere acquaintances) would be more enthusiastic about an interview/great job prospect than these people have been".

Precisely. The OP on this page has already had many good luck for the interview postings from people who do not at all know her.

shovetheholly - I do hope you take heed of what Hissy wrote, I would agree with every single word.

My mother (who I stupidly chose to be the first one i told about being PG with the first GC) said 'Oh'

She went on to say 'I never wanted to be a Grandparent'

Well guess what? she isn't a GP to my DS now... not after the shit her and her vile H have pulled on me and DS over the last few years since I escaped my abusive ex. (who she actively encouraged me to stay with)

Not once, even when the police were called to have her (and vile H) encouraged to leave my home after terrorising me and DS, has it occurred to her to apologise.

She's a fab gran to my DSis kids as far as I can tell. Just me she resents.

her loss

Oh yes he has a habit of engineering an argument the night before an important event. Previously he has done this before exams, birthdays, christmas (christmas day!!!), family funerals and more recently, the night before my new work placement. I can pretty much guarantee he'll start the night before this interview.

TooGoody

"In vino veritas" indeed. He does not want you getting that job at all, you are a threat to him particularly if you started to earn more and or be more qualified.

His recent behaviours towards you have been truly appalling and you really are too good for him. Unfortunately due also to inbuilt conditioning from your family, you still do not fully believe that and thus are still not ready and or able to get fully shot of this millstone of a man who is dragging you down with him. Waiting till September just gives him more opportunity for him to behave in a not too dissimilar manner to previously.

Good luck for your interview!

Your mother, sorry to be blunt, is a cow. Stop telling her stuff and looking for any kind of validation because it sounds as if you won't ever get what you need and want from her

Your DP does sound unsupportive and really quite mean. Does he have a good job, established career? What would happen if you pulled him up on his attitude?

For the moment, concentrate on you and your interview prep. Please let us know how you get on

Hissy - Sorry, I should have qualified what I meant by 'normal'. I meant 'not unusual' rather than 'acceptable' - as in it's not acceptable to treat someone this way, but it is sadly quite common. I hope my message didn't suggest that I thought it was alright. I think my advice to the OP is very similar to yours: that she needs to lower her expectations of her family, because she will never get the recognition from her family that she wants and deserves, and the constant awareness of the gap between how it 'ought to be' and 'how it is' will be painful.

I have spent the last 20 years getting over being the family scapegoat and being OK with that gap!! I've been through all the anger and denial and hurt and self-harm, and I'm now happy and accepting of what I do have, rather than dreaming of a day when things will be what they ought to be. I am under no illusions that my parents' behaviour has not been ideal, but have only really gained peace and release from all the emotional turmoil for myself by forgiving them, which has developed a new space for care and love in our relationship, even if it is only in one direction. I'm doing fine, please don't worry about me!

Dp has admitted a couple of things in the past (after a drink) which I think still rings true, even if he refuses to acknowledge that he ever said them.

1. I feel a bit insecure that once you qualify and earn a decent salary you'll leave me because it will be easier for you to make it on your own.

2. I feel a bit insecure that you might get a new job and end up falling for another man.

3. I feel a bit insecure that when you qualify and start earning a good salary, you will become more appealing to other men.

I think personally, his biggest fear is that he knows that if I get this job, come September I'm in a MUCH stronger position to leave.

Well... normal partners don't feel this. controlling, insecure, abusive and manipulative arseholes do.

Any normal man would be jumping through hoops, flick flacking around the room in delight that his girlfriend is getting a chance at a great job and salary. He'd be proud of you, not resenting your success.

his comment about finding another man is telling - it means that HE thinks that you can't be trusted, that you have no mind of your own, and perhaps even that HE would cheat with a colleague if he had the chance.

He wants to keep you down, keep you dependant on him so you can't get away. this is not the basis for a happy relationship.

Do you have kids with this man? or was that from a previous relationship? If the latter, please don't have kids with this guy.

The kind of man that spews this shite is the type that REALLY racks up the control when you fall PG.

A partner wants the best for us, not to clip our wings!

Your mother resents your success, and knocks you down (mind did the same) she's raised you to accept this in your supposed P.

you need to distance yourself from these people. seriously.

((((shovetheholly)))

the pre event sabotage is absolutely an abusive trait - my ex did this too.

how long have you been with this prize