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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The people closest to me seem to want me to fail

52 replies

TooGoodyTwoShoes · 10/02/2015 11:20

Feeling low today. This morning I received a phonecall offering me a job interview. This will be my first ever post graduate position. The highest salary I've every had by about £10k and my first ever "professional" job. The very first step of my career.

I called my mum and she replied "oh? an interview? well doesn't mean you have the job though does it". Hmm well obviously not but an interview is a positive thing in anyone's book, surely? she went on to say "thought you didn't want to work there anyway? still a job is a job I suppose." FFS I never said I didn't want to work there, I just said from the applications I'd done there are others I would have preferred, I'm still bloody ecstatic at getting an interview for this one! She then said "oh anyway, did I tell you about my gas bill?" .... so she rattled on about that for ages and the job interview was not mentioned again. My younger sister's 1500 word assignment was mentioned in a "oh poor stressed out Dot, guess what she has to do!" kind of way. Strangely enough the mention of my 12,000 word dissertation was ignored.

Anyway it's not just her. Ever since I applied for these jobs DP has been going on about "ooo no interviews? what a shame .... " you know, really rubbing it in.

When I told him today about this interview he seemed strangely surprised, and not in a good way.

Just feeling generally fed up and pissed off today.

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/02/2015 11:55

the pre event sabotage is absolutely an abusive trait - my ex did this too.

how long have you been with this prize Hmm

ShumbTucker · 10/02/2015 12:16

"1) I feel a bit insecure that once you qualify and earn a decent salary you'll leave me because it will be easier for you to make it on your own.

  1. I feel a bit insecure that you might get a new job and end up falling for another man.

  2. I feel a bit insecure that when you qualify and start earning a good salary, you will become more appealing to other men. "

God, he is hard work isn't he? I would have nothing but contempt for someone who wanted to hold me down in order to fulfil their own delusions of superiority. It must be seriously unattractive?

adorably2014 · 10/02/2015 12:54

I won't comment on your partner but certainly your mother's remarks and the sister dynamic sound familiar.

It feels really rubbish and the only way I've managed to deal with it was to stop giving them news of my successes, big or small.

Anything like distinctions, super good marks at school/uni, fab news were taken for granted and shrugged off (sometimes openly criticised) whilst anything tiny achieved by sis was talked up as a massive achievement. On the other hand anything less was commented on negatively.
It felt like I was boasting when all I was doing was sharing news, like I didn't need encouragement and praise ever.

I stopped telling them about most things like this. I don't know if it was that they wanted me to fail but it's sad and it really affected my self-esteem, maybe it's the same for you?

Good luck with your interview.

darkness · 10/02/2015 15:03

My mum was exactly like this...and probably still is
distance helps but the real revelation was that she advised me against every good decision I have made in my life - ever
even tried to get in the way of a lot
so now I only half listen to her small minded fear led winging and ..well that’s all it is
its rolls away whilst I think
"ah....more shit advice"

Your a bit self destructive though OP by still being with a bloke you know is like this
were you hoping he would change ?...people don’t switch team part way through the game you know...and he's not on yours.
I am though...good on you ! go get that job Smile

CheersMedea · 10/02/2015 15:08

Seriously why are you with this person?

He rubs in that you had no interviews, is antagonistic to something you want and sounds nastily controlling and insecure.

Life is too short. You want someone who is on YOUR team. Your cheerleader.

GoatsDoRoam · 10/02/2015 15:42

Congrats on the interview, Goody. I'm sure you worked hard and you deserve it.

You also deserve a supportive partner by your side. Perhaps years of being put down by your own mother have inured you to being put down by a romantic partner, now that you are an adult. But do ask yourself: if he's not on Team You, then why choose to have him around at all?

kickassangel · 10/02/2015 15:57

I get this from my family. My mum has a very stron belief that the older child is better and more important, and I am her younger daughter.

I have learnt to say as little as possible about certain areas of my life. I keep conversations to mild chit chat and we get on fine at that level.

Is there anywhere you can go an stay the night before your interview? Don't tell your DP before, just say that you want a quiet night and leave before he gets home, then go. If you can't afford a hotel, is there a friend you can stay with? Even if you don't get the interview it could be interesting to see how you feel without him around at that time.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 10/02/2015 17:01

Oh yes he has a habit of engineering an argument the night before an important event. Previously he has done this before exams, birthdays, christmas (christmas day!!!), family funerals and more recently, the night before my new work placement. I can pretty much guarantee he'll start the night before this interview.

Honestly, HONESTLY, if this is the partnership you have, you should drop him like a hot brick. Really. (he knows you should, too). What a wanker.

Tell him the interview is a day later than it is, by the way, and make sure you have a good series of excuses for being out of the house/dressed up or whatever the day before. Make up an appointment to get hair done or something, take interview clothes in bag. Then tell him that evening, with a bland 'The interview was today by the way - thought I'd better tell you the wrong date, as I didn't fancy having the usual sabotage argument the night before'. Then when he kicks off, listen calmly and then reply 'You know that stuff you were saying about being insecure that I'll realise I can do better and leave you? That's really beginning to make sense. Anyway, sorry, what was that you were ranting again?'

aeon456 · 10/02/2015 17:12

You sound far more intelligent than your family and partner and that's bound to cause resentment - not your fault obviously.

You know you've done damn well to get that interview and them not acknowledging that fact doesn't make it untrue. My father was always far keener on criticising than praising me and it's taken me a long time to realise that this has always been HIS problem, not due to any deficiency in me. People can often be like this unfortunately, even family. It's probably best to just humour them if you value your relationships as you won't change this kind of closed-minded thinking - just think yourself lucky to be more intelligent and look forward to getting that job!

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 10/02/2015 17:39

My family are the same. They came for christmas and all mh dad did was talk about himself or my sister. Never once asked me how i am getting on with anything. Its annoying isn't it.

airedailleurs · 10/02/2015 18:45

It pains me to say that I can totally identify with you OP and you have no idea how hurtful I still find it.

Good luck for your interview, and find another, more supportive DP.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 10/02/2015 18:51

Well, he's right isn't he? You will be in a stronger position to leave. You might see better options for a DP out there in your new workplace. Then you'll dump him. Good. Very very good.

KOKO

Hathall · 10/02/2015 19:21

He sounds awful op!
And I agree - please don't tell him the date of the interview. You really don't need that sabotage crap.

Custardmiteofglut · 10/02/2015 19:46

Your DP sounds like a twat. I think TheyLearned's suggestion is spot on. Tell him your interview has been rearranged to a different date. Do the interview as planned then tell him and watch the fall out. He'll be a prick about it and will show you (again) how little respect he has for you and your future career.
You deserve better. Good luck with the interview. Go knock their socks off!

Gfplux · 10/02/2015 19:55

Good luck at the interview.

Angleshades · 10/02/2015 20:05

OP well done on getting your interview. Fingers crossed you get the job, give it your best shot, prepare well and you're half way to getting it. You never know what doors might open once you've got the job.

It's such a shame your mum and dp are being so negative towards your good news. It sounds like it's something you are used to but you don't have to put up with this from them. Make a stand, tell them how their behaviour affects you. If it still continues reduce contact if you can. What good does their negativity do you anyway? Surround yourself with friends who do care about you and wish you well.

My sister had a dp who was like this. He didn't want her to start driving or to get a better paid job in case she left him. He made things very difficult for her so that she needed to rely on him. I helped her to get driving and then helped her to get a better paid job and therefore her independence went through the roof. And guess what? Yes she left him for a man 100 times better who respects her and treats her as an equal human being. He totally deserved to lose her and brought it on himself.

ChillySundays · 10/02/2015 22:00

Good luck for the interview - hope you get the job.

My parents are the same. They have never said well done for getting the job, good luck for the first day and have never asked how work is going. What they can mange though is to slag off the different industries I have worked for.

What I do have is a OH who does wish me luck.

FrancesNiadova · 11/02/2015 06:45

Good Luck with the interview; go, "sock it to 'em!" Flowers
Make sure that you have a portfolio of all the good things you've done. Treat yourself to a new hairdo and a new outfit.
GO FOR IT!

Hissy · 11/02/2015 12:24

Tell him the interview is a day later than it is, by the way

Awesome advice! Do it and see what he does.... But don't rumble him until AFTER you have had the interview.

GO OUT if you have to to make it look like you have gone to the interview, but don't tell him when the real date is

darkness · 11/02/2015 13:12

What about telling him that the first date (actual interview) turns out to be just a look around - you know some kind of familiarization tour - and the interview is a couple of weeks later.
that way when you get the job later you can say - oh they loved me sooo much....
and if
and obviously this is not going to happen
you accidentally called your potential new boss a knob head - and didnt get the job you could say
"having thought about it its not a good fit and i shall carry on looking"
and he has no ammo to put you down with at alll

darkness · 11/02/2015 13:13

although I do think you should LTB

Hathall · 11/02/2015 13:48

He may even try to sabotage a look around though!
I'd suggest telling him they called and changed the date due to illness or something.

MummyBeerest · 11/02/2015 14:11

Awesome news on the interview! Best of luck! Flowers

Can't comment on your DP, except that I'd be off like a shot. Easier said than done, I know.

As for your mother and sister et al, clearly to them anyone who can succeed on their own is a threat to them. If you can do it on your own, what are they worth? Your mum especially, probably favours your sister because your sister needs your mum to help her. And she likes being needed.

I have lived and learned from this. I don't need it in my life. Neither do you.

Original poster
TooGoodyTwoShoes · 12/02/2015 10:26

Thanks for all the support guys. Quick update!

The night I got the interview, DP came in and, true to form engineered an argument. The actual interview is on Tuesday so I'm very much expecting a revisit of this argument on Monday night or maybe he'll invent a new one entirely.

Anyway, a woman I know who got a job at the same place a few months back has been talking me through the interview and I think I'm prepared :)

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/02/2015 10:30

Does he know when the interview is? Tell him it's been rescheduled for the following week.

He really is a prick and you really do need to kick his arse to the kerb.

This won't get any better love. How long have you been with him?

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