Why is it so hard to leave?

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Had a thread on AIBU but don't know how make a clicky link on my phone.

I have told H that I think we're better off apart.
He is emotionally abusive, stonewalling, aggressive, gas lighting. It's exhausting and gone on too long (I didn't even realise it was happening I think)

So why is it so hard to leave? ( I mean leave him not my home)
Why am I heart broken and he is jut angry?
Why wasn't I good enough for him to be nice and fair and good towards?

His behaviour is nothing to do with you not being good enough, and everything to do with him being an abuser. It is not your fault.

But of course it is hard to leave. You are only human. Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

No. I know my rights and have my paperwork, finances etc in order.
Tenancy is in my name only.
He can't even try to take the kids as he has a visa that doesn't allow public funds (ie benefits) so he wouldn't get residency.

I've downloaded the benefit forms this morning and will fill in and send off asap.

On the practical stuff I'm good. I'm organised and I know I can be a great single mum. I'll be happier and so will the dc. And I'll also have no one telling me I'm wrong all the time! Or undermining me.

But yet, I don't want him to leave.
I want to just brush it under the carpet again and act like we're ok again.
That's stupid I know

No it isn't stupid at all. You sound v organised. I think you just need to let go in increments. Heart needs to catch up with head or sommat.

I don't know OP. Going to hang around and see if anyone has the answer, because I need it myself.

I feel the same op. I think it just becomes routine. Routine is sometimes hard to break. I don't have any answers (I need them myself!)

Because change, and leaping into the unknown, is always scary.

Because he is familiar and that has felt comforting to you. Leaving him means losing that familiarity and comfort (even if it will be much more pleasant to live life free from his abuse and free from a relationship that makes you unhappy).

Because his manipulation has worked, for a long time, and you are still emotionally hooked.

You are heartbroken because you cared about making the relationship work, and he is angry because he cares about keeping you in your place.

He was not abusive because you weren't good enough (that's one of those emotional hooks you still have sunk in your psyche, right there, by the way). You could never have stopped his abuse: only he could do that, and he just didn't want to.

It is routine! That's exactly it.

He does help with the DC. Bedtimes, bath times. So I can go running. Or have a lie in.
When he isn't being an unbelievable tosser he is supportive and there. I wouldn't go to the extent to use words like caring and loving. He is crap at emotions and not overly affectionate. But he would listen and we rubbed along.

Biggest conflicts were how to parent. He seems to be oppositional to everything I do/say wrt parenting.
This always seemed normal as I figure everyone has partnering conflicts.

I've told him our marriage doesn't work and that we will be better off apart.
He has ignored me flatly.

OP, I think it's good that you're asking this question - it means you're really self-aware, and know that what you are feeling is irrational.

Goat's great response above hits the nail on the head. It takes time for your brain/memoryto adjust to change - particularly changes to habit (maybe why we all fail at dieting so often!!). You're doing all the right things and you're emotionally committed to your new life - you just need to tell yourself that yes, it'll feel weird at times but you will get through it and it will be better as a result.

Hi OP. I've been there.

I took myself off to counselling with the question "my marriage is a disaster but why cant I leave?"

That was 4 years ago. After hell including assault, I am now divorced and happy. My old self is back. The answer to the my question, looking back on it was full of many layers (which other posters have all touched on) but the dominant one was abusive control of my ex. At the beginning of the process I didnt even realise how much I WAS being controlled. You have got to this point which is great.

You have to realise that you are good enough. You are more than good enough. It is horrible, horrible, horrible, but just do it. Everyone on here will support you as they did me (a different user name then) and it will help very much.

Good luck.

It took me 10 years of knowing things weren't right and I wasn't happy to leave. Once I acknowledged that he was emotionally abusive (in denial for so long) it took me 3 months to leave!!

I tried an tried, giving him endless "one last chances" - we'd been to counselling together and individually - but in the end I realised that it made no difference what I did, he was happy with his behaviour, he had no intention of changing so I was faced with a "shit or get off the pot" scenario - I got off and left. I admit it would have been harder to get him to leave.

One of the reasons I stayed so long was because of our financial situation, I couldn't face putting the DC through the trauma of a break up and having to sell the house, which is why I walked out (they are late teens now).

I think as women we are conditioned to put up with so much that we question how much is too much, we try to make the best of our situations and have this seemingly in-built need to try and make things work, no matter what our heads are telling us.

You need to do this though for your sake and your DC, and it sounds like you are getting all practicalities in place. Good Luck.

I just wish I mattered enough to him to make him treat me with respect instead of contempt.

That's why I feel so shitty about myself.

I'm 29, have 2 dc. I left education with no real GCSEs and didn't bother with college.
I've had some shitty jobs and some good jobs.
I've had a string of shitty abusive relationships.
I've gotten stronger after each one.
I'm smart. big headed I am. I'm not some silly little woman who needs him. And he knows this.
I've worked my up from nothing to a decent position in my last job.
We made the choice for me to be SAHM. And now I get told how bad I am at that.
It doesn't seem right. He says our dd is such a sweet child and all I do is try to make her miserable - by disciplining her and telling her off when she's naughty and by not giving into her constantly.

Please don't subject your children to this relationship model.

Tell yourself he can leave and you can take him back if you want to.

Try it that way. You will be happy again. The door to a nice life and freedom hasn't closed on you. It's there, you need to open it first.

What's your AIBU thread about?

Can you give examples of the parenting disagreements you have?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2302827-To-be-annoyed-at-this-lie

Hopefully that is a clicky link.

Parenting differences:
If she hits me, she gets told off/time out
If she hits him there must be some deep underlying reason for it and it is to be ignored or rewarded.
If I put her in time out and she cries this isn't seen as a reaction to the punishment but as deep distress and he will remove her from time out and give her something to cheer her up.
If I say she has to finish her lunch before she gets pudding (fruit and yogurt) and she refuses he will give her the pudding anyway cos it's good for her.
Bedtime is 8pm, I have her in bed then and she will sleep all night (usually) til 7am.
He will start bedtime at 8pm have her in bed by about 9 and wonder why she is naughty, shouty wakeful and wakes early.

so he undermines all of your parenting? Not nice at all is he?

Because he has trained you to feel his needs and sublimate your own
Because he has trained you to assume all responsibility for his happiness
Because he has made it a failure that looms over you; the possibility of you giving up on him, that will compound all his worst suspicions about you
Because you were earlier in your life hardwired to want approval and you want his approval but you'll never get it.
You'll never, ever get his blessing or his approval for putting your own needs first. So please don't waste the rest of your life seeking the approval of a man who will never give you his approval. Why would he do that? He can pull your strings by withholding his approval.
Because he makes you feel that you don't have the right to leave him if you're not perfect, and he will remind you daily of your imperfections.

You can leave but you have to understand the emotional fog you're in. There are some really good websites.

"I just wish I mattered enough to him to make him treat me with respect instead of contempt."

This is all the wrong way round!

You deserve respect. The fact that he doesn't give it to you is a sign that he is inadequate, not that you are.

"I just wish I mattered enough to him to make him treat me with respect instead of contempt."

That didn't happen in this life and it won't happen, ever. That's not how this is going to play out.

x post with shovetheholly!

I hope you can understand that we're not unsympathetic! The point is, don't wait for him to respect you because that won't happen in this life or the next and so on.

But respect yourself I mean that kindly.

I do know this. i know this but I still find it hard to accept.

The smack in the face is that I just spent 10 months supporting/pushing my sister to leave her EA and passive aggressive boyfriend by saying all the stuff that's being said to me now.
She has left him. She's stronger then me.

"Why wasn't I good enough for him to be nice and fair and good towards?"

It's nothing to do with not being good enough! It's to do with being a giver. ALong comes a 'Taker' and the giver is caught in the Takers web.

Please read these articles about being too nice.

read part two as well

And then, you could do worse than read every single article on this website. It is an excellent site and puts a lot of things very clearly. It will help you understand how you woke up one day in a dysfunctional relationship.

She's not stronger than you.

It's nothing to do with strength. I never, ever needed more strength than I needed to get through life with my abusive X.

It is taking a leap of faith. She's got there a few steps before you. You were using up valuable energy supporting your sister when you were standing on one leg yourself. Now, turn your 'care' towards yourself.

Self-care. Self-love. Please read all those articles. I know it's not the most personal approach saying read all those articles but they will really help you, honestly. Even after I'd left I found that site enormously useful.

xx

Thank you. That link is both useful and frustrating.

I read parts 1&2, but I shall save and re read endlessly as I don't remember hardly anything they said right now head is too muddled.

My resolution of yesterday and this morning is wobbling.

He called me and I stupidly answered and got involved in a 40 min argument over unimportant stuff and of course he worked away from any important thing I said/asked. Continually telling me my questions are stupid and managing to make everything I say sound petty.

Asked me questions like 'what did we fight about?' And then when I give the answer he refutes it and says I can't even remember what he argued over. Or I say 'I said such and such' and he says 'I can't talk to you cos u can't even remember what u said' and it's because I might not have recounted it word for word but gotten one word wrong or something stupid.

Even with all that... I'm still wobbling cos the argument has used up a lot of my frustration and angst so I feel calmer....

Just don't speak to him. NO CONTACT, it means he cannot manipulate you if you won't engage, its actually the only tool you have to get to have your own head space, & deconnect.

AGree, change your phone number.

At first it's really hard to disengage because if you don't defend yourself you feel like a doormat. "allowing" him to insult you / misinterpret your actions without putting forward your defence.

But this has to be your new mindset here never defend, never justify, never explain

It's hard at first, but then if you stop bothering to defend yourself against the accusations, the accusations will stop coming. He enjoys you defending yourself. By defending yourself you give him what he needs, drama, he feeds his ego by causing you upset.