Why is it so hard to leave?

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Had a thread on AIBU but don't know how make a clicky link on my phone.

I have told H that I think we're better off apart.
He is emotionally abusive, stonewalling, aggressive, gas lighting. It's exhausting and gone on too long (I didn't even realise it was happening I think)

So why is it so hard to leave? ( I mean leave him not my home)
Why am I heart broken and he is jut angry?
Why wasn't I good enough for him to be nice and fair and good towards?

I actually pictured a nasty dirty slimy giant slug type thing after that last post. Gorging itself on my speech bubbles.

Just had a wonderful nap with DS. Fell asleep breast feeding and we had an awesome snuggle and nap.
Now to go get dd from nursery.
pity I have woken up with the headache still there

yupp, you're so close there with that summary.

These awful men who use being an arsehole to somebody else as their own 'outlet', they are vacuums inside. All their energy is created at somebody else's expense. Parasite, slug, you got it.

Change your number! you're not the host any more

Totally agree that you have to disengage. A bully needs a target, you've been his for too long. No discussions, no arguments, no justifications, he'll hate it. That's just a fortunate by-product, the advantage to you is to remove yourself from the situation.

Imagine him standing behind a glass door, his big slimy slug face red with anger as he's shouting at you. But you can't hear him, because the glass is too thick and you're walking away. You can walk off into that better life, he's stuck with all that hate and nastiness inside him.

Had a big discussion where he was trying to convince me and turn it all on me.

He called me a cancer that I'm killing him

Then started screaming about needing his money from the car.
Saying I'm a fucking gold digger cos I'm happy to drive around in his money but I don't want to be married anymore

We can't tell you the definitive answer to your question, love. I suspect it's a mash of all the points raised on this thread.

You will leave when the bad points finally crush the hope. I think it will happen soon.

He said all those things cos I refused to engage in pointless conversation.
I stated my points, problems. Then told him it wasn't working and it never will. That I would rather be alone then with him.
That's when he said stuff.
He called me cancer.
Accused me of being selfish. Of fucking up our kids.
Said I'm not clean cos I've struggled to keep up with house work since DS was born.

I'm just destroyed. I feel drained. It's not fair. It's not true.

I'm stuck on the cancer comment. How can anyone say that

I feel very alone and very distressed right now.
I feel stuck and trapped when I should feel liberated and free.

Maybe I don't completely believe it yet.
My dd is going to hate me when he goes

Trying to convince you what??

Thst u r worse than he is? That u r lazy? That u r selfish?

Just agree with him. Say yeh u deserve better. Im lazy and selfish. (I know u r not) Ill release u from this relationship. Like a .... lumpectomy.

When u have split up u will begin to some perspective back. One fucked up loser thinks u r lazy and selfish???? So be it. Take you freedom.

Convince me that I'm the problem. That if I stopped looking for problems and stopped making things up we would be fine.
That he does so much for us and never asks for anything. That it's all me. I'm miserable and wan him to be miserable

This is why all the advice is to simply stop trying to make these arseholes understand

disengage

detach

stop discussing and laying yourself open to the shit

it's the only way and tbh until you truly no longer care what he says you are wiiiide open to it

the opposite of love is not hate....It is indifference

when you reach that point there is no going back

What happens if you never stop caring?
I'm sure I will, eventually. But just, hypothetically, what if I don't?
I don't want to care what he thinks, or wait for him to show me compassion but what if I'm hooked and always hoping for it?

Yeh, stpp discussing who is the problem .
Stick to these phrases

"This relationship is over"
I do not want you here.
The tenancy is in my name.
I do not love you.
I do not respect you.
I do not like you.
Good luck out there with worthier women.
Here's your coat.
Are you still here.

Seriously!!!!!!! Stop defending yourself and get him out. Ring the police if u have to.

Been there.

I stopped caring what he thought of me. That process began after i stopped communicating with him.

He can think what he wants now. His prerogative i guess. His opinion is not one thst i value. He knows that. He knows i dropped the rope.

Please read "why it is smart to let toxic people have the last word" on that same site linked too earlier.

What if I never stop loving him?

I realise I probably love my idea of him, and that isn't actually him at all. But what if.... This is so desperately sad

Well, don't all those rather ridiculous and childish insults make it easier to bin him. You're like cancer? This is the reaction of a rather stupid person to someone who is clearly more strong and articulate than they are, like a child saying "you're poo" because that's the worst thing they can think of and they want to hurt the other person. Really, how did you manage not to laugh at the twerp?

Seriously, deep breaths, calm down. Don't take anything he says seriously, he's just lashing out with nonsense. Your daughter will not hate you. No one gives a toss about the housework being perfect. You are not destroyed. You are strong and a good mother.

littlemiss, have you ever seen a woman come on here saying she regrets leaving an abusive relationship once she is truly out of it

or do you see, over and over, women who have say they desperately wish they had done it sooner ?

You will stop loving him. But I'm not going to try to convince you of that. It's a distraction.

Right now, you need to stop thinking about what ifs.

You know it's over, now make it happen.

Doesn't make this moment any easier.
At present I am just here, alone in my marital bed when I don't want to be. I want to be with him. The stupid fucking fake him that I fell in love with. The one who loved me and made me laugh. Who I married and had kids with. Who I thought I'd be with forever.

So yes, I know I have to leave and I know I'll be happier in the long run, as will my dc but right now I'm heart broken and alone. I have my 2.5 yr old dd and my 5 month old DS to comfort me. To allay my fears.
I'm sad. I'm alone.

I know that him doesn't exist.
Which only makes it worse cos I feel duped, tricked. Lied to.

Fucking hate liars

I think youhave to accept that you made a mistake. so, you made a mistake, it happens (it happened to me too) and now don't throw more time after bad. Forgive yourself for this mistake.

Ending it will be difficult. You might need help getting him out of the house.

Why would you want to be with him!?

He's horrible.

You need to stop living in a world that doesnt exist.

Don't rely on your little baby to cheer you up. Be strong for your children, please.

And it's not like you will need unimaginable amounts of strength to get him out of your lives. It's like pushing a bike up to the top of a hill getting rid of a man like this, it's hard, but then, the rest of your life is easier.

so true anyfucker! find me the woman who regrets ending an abusive relationship. It wouldn't be easy to find one.