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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says hurtful things

62 replies

expectantmum79 · 09/02/2015 21:27

We've just had a baby and I know I might be slightly more sensitive than usual but he's said awful things:

"I'm stuck with you"
"Who would have kids?"
"I never wanted this baby" (before the birth and definitely not true as he wanted me to come off my pill).
He's also called me a "dirty bitch" and says I'm not clean around the house
He has accused me of cheating more than once (which he later admits he knows is not true)

I'm not 100% innocent but he says vile things, the first 2 are things he's said since we had the baby and it hurts so much.

He then tells me he loves me and I don't know whether to believe him, he's told me on several occasions that I know what I can do if I'm not happy but on occasions when we've rowed and I've been prepared to leave he has talked me out of it. Is there any hope or should I pull the ripcord?

OP posts:
Original poster
expectantmum79 · 09/02/2015 22:20

I can't throw him out, it's his house.

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 09/02/2015 22:21

Get support from your HV asap, or your GP if you prefer.

That is abusive language and you are vulnerable/need support as a new mum.

MaybeDoctor · 09/02/2015 22:22

If you are married it is not 'his house'.

Original poster
expectantmum79 · 09/02/2015 22:23

And yes I think he is depressed, he has a lot of work on building a new house for us and it's all the financial worries etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
expectantmum79 · 09/02/2015 22:26

Okay maybe doctor he is DP not DH (sorry was trying to protect my identity - I'd be really embarrassed if anyone I know read this)

OP posts:
pepperpigmustdie · 09/02/2015 22:28

op - stargirl has it spot on.

This relationship has got very unhealthy and it will be detrimental to you AND your kids.

He is nasty arsehole

Jux · 09/02/2015 22:49

Run for the hills while your baby is young enough not to notice. It'll just get harder and harder the longer you leave it, and he will just be nastier and nastier the longer you stay.

Sorry Sad

Coyoacan · 10/02/2015 02:06

Another one saying get out quick, he will wear you down and take all the pleasure out of life. Don't see leaving him as a failure, the fact is that not staying in an abusive relationship shows you are a survivor and woman enough to be a brilliant mother to your children.

MaybeDoctor · 10/02/2015 09:38

Tell him that you are seriously considering leaving.

See a solicitor to find out your position.

GoatsDoRoam · 10/02/2015 10:36

Don't tell him that you are considering leaving! Abusive man ramp up the abuse when they think their victim might excape.

Get your ducks in a row and leave.

You do not need to justify yourself to him.

Jux · 10/02/2015 11:40

Please please do not warn him of your intentions when/if you do decide to leave. As Goats says ^^ the abusive behaviour increases exponentially as they feel their power over you slipping away. That's when the violence becomes seriously bad and is when a woman is really at risk.

Call Women's Aid and ask them to help you make a plan to get out.

Quitelikely · 10/02/2015 11:48

This isn't healthy. You need to have a sit down with him and tell him you aren't happy with the way things are. Ask if he is aware his language is abusive and in turn leaving you feeling very unsettled. Tell him the future is on the line.

If you say it, mean it. Set healthy boundaries and don't let him cross them.

Otherwise you'll just go around and around in circles.

PoppyField · 10/02/2015 13:48

Hi OP,

So sorry you are going through this and it is emotional abuse. Do not feel ashamed... you are not to blame. I know it is so, so hard not to feel shame or guilt in some way. Somehow women are always held to blame for not trying hard enough, not taking enough shit, saying No.... when the abusive partner gets away with doing absolutely nothing to address his awful behaviour.

You recognise your situation enough to post on here. That is a good thing. You realise, even at this early stage just after you have had a baby together, that what he is doing is unacceptable and abusive. He is kicking you while you are at your most vulnerable/dependent. Abusers do that when they think their victim can't or won't get away. How disgusting is that?

It is very common for abuse to start when you're pregnant or just after the birth of your first child. It happened to me and it is very very upsetting and confusing. It is supposed to be the most special time, but he seems to be doing everything he can to spoil it. Do not put up with his behaviour. Do tell him that what he is saying is unacceptable and you won't put up with it.

What he is doing is wrong, wrong, wrong for any human being, let alone the mother of his child. You are not the failure. He is.

Start to secretly make plans to leave or make him leave.

cestlavielife · 10/02/2015 13:53

if you not married and it is his house get some legal advice.
you have no legal right to the house or to be there - have you signed anything? any buills in your name? (that doesnt entitle you to anything tho - you are nothing more than a lodger) unless you can show you have paid eg 20k for fitting kitchen loft extension and there was intent on both sides for it to be joint...
he knows it and that's why he nice/nasty. nasty to show you what you mean to him then a bit nice to keep you in thrall...
he has a duty to your child yes but not to you or your other child if it is not his.

go speak to CAB or solicitor about you and your child's rights.

cestlavielife · 10/02/2015 13:54

are you in the new house now? whose name is on the house? have you paid towards it? you seriously need to know your legal position.

you better off leaving, renting somewhere and getting rid.

Original poster
expectantmum79 · 10/02/2015 13:56

He isn't violent and he isn't always hurtful. That makes it so much harder, he has been so much more difficult since I was pregnant. I haven't registered the birth yet as I'm seriously considering leaving his name off the birth certificate (I would give double barrelled surname but just not name him as father).

OP posts:
Original poster
expectantmum79 · 10/02/2015 14:05

Baby has barely left my arms since bed time last night as he is feeding constantly. We had a lie in today and then he took him out for a drive to get him to sleep. He came back and made sandwiches and tea. I'm so exhausted I can't think straight. I don't feel in any position to walk right now. I love that phrase "get your ducks in a row" but mine would take too much organising at the moment.

OP posts:
gildedcage · 10/02/2015 14:49

Personally if you feel that there is a likelihood that you may separate I wouldn't give the child your dp's surname, under any guise, double barrelled or not.

In respect to the birth certificate would he have to be named for maintenance purposes? ? I don't know how easy it would be in any event.

I would think very carefully about the amount of parental responsibility you let this man have. Especially since a) he doesn't know why he has had a baby...its soooo awful and b) I can only imagine him using power over your child as a rod to beat you with.

Jux · 10/02/2015 16:51

Phone Women's Aid and talk to them. Honestly, no matter how complicated your situation is, they will have come across it before and will know what you need to do, who you need to talk to and so on. They will support you in any way you need from getting an exit plan organised to listening to you when you need to talk.

Please phone them. www.womensaid.org.uk

chocolatedrops31 · 10/02/2015 17:36

Isn't it worth op seeking relationship counselling rather than just leaving? She's said he's depressed, men suffer from PND too, he's taking it out on op which is of course wrong, but the things he has said sound like depression and if a woman was saying it after birth, people would say go straight to the gp, not that she was being abusive. Post birth everyone's exhausted and not thinking straight and relationships can often go through horrible patches

gildedcage · 10/02/2015 19:14

I personally don't feel I can offer advice as to whether someone should stay or leave. My view is that we are all helping the OP to work through her feelings.

I'm not entirely sure how men can get PND, is this medically recognised? Obviously men can become depressed due to a change in circumstances but is that actually the same as PND?

I'm sorry but being depressed is not a get out of jail free card for being an arse. I don't doubt that her dp may have mental health issues but that doesn't mean that she has to endure his bad behaviour.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 10/02/2015 19:16

Does your eldest hear his step-Dad saying he doesn't want children? Imagine how that must make him feel.

Even if you are not ready to get your practical ducks in a row, you can get your mental ducks in a row.

Notice that his behaviour is abusive, notice when he is nice because this shows he just doesn't want to be nice to you all the time. Imagine life alone. Imagine a nice partner. Detach, detach, detach.

Jux · 10/02/2015 21:32

I've just noticed that Reality's thread (of long ago) has been stickied at the top of the Relationships board. It's entitled "Right, listen up everybody". It is legendary. Please read her opening post. And reread it!

Everyone should read Reality's op, imo!

Original poster
expectantmum79 · 10/02/2015 22:13

I read it today thanks Jux, it was poignant and I will ring women's aid.

Thanks all for your support, it's hard to ignore the 'nice' especially when that's what you want to see. AHat, no he doesn't say it in front of my eldest, I would definitely draw a line there.

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Original poster
expectantmum79 · 23/02/2015 23:07

Oh my goodness. Had the most awful experience tonight. I registered the birth with both of our surnames and I went on my own and didn't add his name as a father.

Tonight he's been kicking off going through my stuff threatening me that he'll take me to court and get joint access and that he'll get a paternity test and won't pay a penny towards the baby as he'll have him half of the time.

He says I'm not welcome here with my 2 DCs and even said he'd get a neighbour to look after the baby while I packed. He also said that he'd broadcast the fact that he's getting a paternity test to everyone I know.

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