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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do? What to do?

29 replies

tammybear · 22/04/2004 19:09

Ok, heres my story lol. My ex is living in Derbyshire whilst Im in Watford. He sees dd every 3 weeks as his parents are free then to drive him down to see her. We do NOT get on AT ALL!! In fact I could kill him!! Lol. He's gettin a parental responsibility order, which Im happy to sign for him, as itll shut him up a bit lol. However, he wants to hav dd at his house more often for long weekends. Not so happy bout this. We tried this out once before over 2 nights, and I got 3 txts, one for each day. I was not happy as I was worried sick most of the time. I don't feel comfortable with him having her as he makes it so difficult for me to trust him, but I want to be able to so I can have time to myself and dd gets to see her daddy. Any advice on what to do? Or what can help me to feel more at ease?

OP posts:
fairyfly · 22/04/2004 19:11

Why do you not feel at ease in the first place, why can't you trust him, is he a good father?

Original poster
tammybear · 22/04/2004 19:25

One of the main reasons I broke up with him is because I can't trust him, the reasons get a bit personal so I wont go into them, and the last time dd was at his house, I just didnt hear much from him, and that was the first time I had been away from her for so long. Im trying my hardest to trust him and be civil, but everytime we do, he kicks off an arguement. He says the reason he does it is cos he starts thinking hes falling in love with me again (YUK!! lol) so protects himself by having a go at me. I told him that it is in his best interest to be civil towards me for dd's sake and for him to be able to see her more often than he does now. But he doesnt listen

OP posts:
aloha · 22/04/2004 19:27

How old is your dd?

Original poster
tammybear · 22/04/2004 19:30

16 months, she hasnt got to the stage of walking or talking yet

OP posts:
fairyfly · 22/04/2004 19:33

Well if he is shouting at you and not being civil then he must be on trial. Tell him if he can show you for the next couple of months he is to be trusted and can keep a handle on his temper, then you will rethink the situation. But for now this is whats happening as he has done nothing to prove he can be trusted.
Unless of course none of this is happening in front of your daughter and he is fantastic to her, then maybe it's time you learnt to let go a little as it will probably be better for her. It really depends on the situation and what it is he does. I wish you luck with it though its a nightmare sorting these things out.
Also if there is problems and they are quite serious and it does effect you daughter, don't sign the parental form just to keep him quiet, do it because you want to a think its the best all round.

aloha · 22/04/2004 20:03

Hmm, I think 16months is very young to be traipsing back and forward to Derbyshire. He can get parental responsibility via the courts if you don't agree, but it doesn't really make any practical difference if he gets it. I can understand why he makes you so uneasy. Is he with family up there? Do you know them and trust them? I think his temper is a big worry.

kiwisbird · 22/04/2004 20:09

Tammy I was very close and friendly with my exp when ds was little, I never let him go overnight away from me until he was 22 mths old, when I felt exp had demonstrated to me he was capable of feeding and tending to ds's needs properly.
it is very hard, I would be careful with PR order too, althought confess not sure how much in the way of rights it gives a non custodial partner, and it is a long way... better for him to come and
stay at yours while you go off if thats at all do able?
Good luck xxx

Original poster
tammybear · 22/04/2004 20:15

Yeah he'll have his family there but I don't like them, and they're not really use to young children. His mum keeps whistling to dd like as if she's a dog. I hate that!! He thinks the pr will give him permission to see dd when ever he wants, even if Im busy. But I get the main say cos Im dd's main carer right?

OP posts:
Original poster
tammybear · 23/04/2004 20:25

For the third time now, ex is going on about he's going to get the parental responsibility order. First time round, he thought that he could use it to take dd whenever he wanted without my permission, but I went to a solicitor who confirmed to me that he is wrong. When I told him this, he changed his mind, then changed his mind back, then changed his mind again to not doing it. Now he wants to since he is not around. But since he is not living locally will this affect anything? I heard that it changes things if we do not live in the same county. Plus he keeps trying to pressurise me into signing it, although my solicitor wants me to take the forms to her first. How confusing!!

OP posts:
fairyfly · 23/04/2004 20:32

Don't sign it, take them to her first, please!

Freckle · 23/04/2004 20:41

Why on earth get advice from a solicitor if you're not going to follow it? If your solicitor wants to see the forms, take them to her before signing them. He could head anything with the words Parental REsponsibility Order and then have you sign to say that you agree to x, y and z without you realising. If you have a solicitor, use them.

LadyMuck · 25/04/2004 12:52

I would be very careful about just signing the order, unless you are sure that you understand all the implications - if anything happened to you and you died are you happy that your ex would have responsibility over dd rather than your family? Are you happy that your dp could say insist that dd has the MMR vaccine even if it is not what you want? That he could interfere with your choice of schools etc... The parental responsibility order will also complicate matters with any future husband that you might have - it is very difficult for a step father to get parental responsibilty if the natural father has it.

I appreciate he could still go to court, but non-custodial fathers do not automatically get the right, esp when they left the children when so young. I would definitely discuss this with your solicitor first.

Original poster
tammybear · 25/04/2004 18:26

Has anyone else had to deal with an exp getting parental responsibility order?

OP posts:
fairyfly · 25/04/2004 18:45

I am dealing with it now Tammy and no way am i giving it to him, he can take me to court if he wants

Original poster
tammybear · 25/04/2004 19:07

Do you mind me asking why you're not? With the pr, does that mean ex gets to say he wants certain things, e.g. having dd at his house once a month? Cos I still don't really understand what it is. All my solicitor said, is that it gives him a status, but I still get the main say. And that he gets a say in schooling, religion, emergency medication etc.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 25/04/2004 19:22

No it has no relevance for access. It is simply records, medical, etc.... nothing to do with when they can see them. That has to go through the courts. I am not giving it him because he doesn't know the meaning of the word, i don't trust him to take responsible actions. My x is a game player and he likes to win, he would do the opposite of what i wanted, just to get one over on me.
Maybe in the future, if he groes up, and learns what parental responsibility is. I think though to be honest that if i ever met anyone, they would be better off having it.

Original poster
tammybear · 25/04/2004 19:26

Just from what youve told me fairyfly, he sounds a lot like exp. He first thought that if he got pro hed b able to take dd whenever he liked, but my solicitor told me he couldnt, and wrote a letter saying. He hasnt mentioned it since he did last, which usually means he may change his mind again.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 25/04/2004 19:32

No he is talking crap, he may just be doing it as an ego thing, my x just likes to have control, he's not getting it.
Really discuss this with your solicitor, you can't go back once it is signed. Will he make the right decisions at the right times, thats what you need to be sure of

aloha · 25/04/2004 20:15

Parental responsibility in legal terms has NOTHING to do with contact. It means that he is legally recognised as the father and does give him certain rights - eg he can see medical records and school reports, sign for medical treatment, and stop you changing your dd's name. BUT it will not mean he can take her whenever he wants (at all!) or overrule you on most things. However, if he went to court he would get it automatically anyway. How often would you like him to see her and where would you like this contact to take place? That's your starting point.

Original poster
tammybear · 25/04/2004 20:22

Well, he comes to see her every 3 weeks. But he does want to have her at his house. But I told him once I feel more comfortable that he is use to dd's ways, and that I think Ill feel more at ease with the idea then he can have her for a weekend or something. Ive never stopped him from seeing dd

OP posts:
Original poster
tammybear · 25/04/2004 20:50

Fairyfly, do you think he will take you to the courts?

OP posts:
smellymelly · 26/04/2004 11:28

Hello, here is my story -

Have 2 kids with ex-p split up both times when pregnant (my choice), after 2nd split he threatened me with getting PR for ds, but I was very wary of his tempers and did not trust him, he went to solicitors. He made such a big deal about this and put me through hell while I was throwing up with morning sickness. My solicitor said he would get PR as he was reasonably regular with his visits, and paid monthly... but advised me to get a RESIDENTS ORDER at the same time - you know so we both got something out of it. But I really did not want him to have pr and after a few months I managed to persuade him to wait till dd was 6mths. (I was still pregnant, so that was a year)

Also managed to hold off on weekend visits till ds was 3, so I knew he could talk properly.

Anyway dd was born and he saw her twice, stopped paying money 6 months later, he then started cancelling visits,(which was fine with me as I hated losing ds for more than 1 hour) then last summer said he didn't want to see ds anymore, for ds's sake (yeah right). His gf was pregnant and I think it was more of a case of out of sight out of mind.

So he made all that fuss at the time, to not even bother contesting my DP of getting pr in Jan. Funny how they can change from being the 'best father' in the world when they think they still have a chance of getting back with you.

He can't come swanning back in ds's life now and demand access, thankfully I now have history to prove he is not reliable, so he will have to prove his worth for a long time first!

But that doesn't stop ds being upset coz his dad won't see him, and dd never knowing him at all...We are all very lucky to have dp who is fantastic.

aloha · 26/04/2004 11:40

Tammybear, your dd is so young and your ex has been out of her life for so long I do not think any judge would ever order staying contact against your wishes. And his getting a PRO won't change that a bit. It really will make no or little difference. BTW most judges are reluctant to make a Residence Order if there is no dispute as to where the child should live. Eg if she lives with you and he's fine about it, the usual rule is not to make an order.

fairyfly · 26/04/2004 12:45

Tammybear, he probably will yes, just for the power trip. I could do without the hassle but i know he doesn't stand a chance, so i'm not worried. I keep all his emails and texts etc. the health visitor, school, and my solicitor all know what he's like. I have started to keep a diary of why he has no responsibility. I don't want to screw him over because i'm hurt, it is simply because he has been a shockingly bad father.

Original poster
tammybear · 26/04/2004 12:51

My health visitor told me to keep txts from exp, and keep a diary as he's not very reliable. He kept thinking that when he was having dd, it was babysitting or doing me a favour, not actually just spending time with his daughter. He has a tendancy to keep changing his mind too. He came down at the weekend to see dd, with his parents. It didnt go too badly, but I couldnt wait for them to leave! They really annoy me!

OP posts: