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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex accusing me of mental health problems

40 replies

lostmyjomo · 09/02/2015 20:48

My ex is causing me a lot of stress and is constantly accusing me of having various mental health issues. I think / know he is hoping that by accusing me of being unstable that he will gain custody of our DD.

I am not unstable in the slightest, in fact I lead a very full, very happy life. I have a loving and supportive family, and quite frankly things couldn't be any better apart from him always being in the back of my mind wondering what he's going to come up with next.

His accusations are always via email, and really don't make much sense. Always saying I need help and how sad it is that I can't see it. Blah blah blah.

What can he achieve from this if anything? Although I may not sound it, I am worried as I know he won't stop at anything to have DD live with him.

OP posts:
RandomNPC · 09/02/2015 20:50

Sounds like he is projecting.

Wotsitsareafterme · 09/02/2015 20:51

What a knob. Is he trying to gain residence through the courts?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 09/02/2015 20:51

Do you ever reply?

I would reply to the latest email, say that he is not to contact you again about anything that isn't exclusively practical regarding contact with DD, and that you will be reporting him for harassment if it happens again.

BeatriceBumble · 09/02/2015 20:55

It's part of the "script". Ignore and don't reply. Keep all the emails. He has no evidence, so you have nothing to worry about.

Original poster
lostmyjomo · 09/02/2015 20:56

Thanks, yeah he really is a knob.

He isn't applying through court yet but is making threats to. I have told him to go ahead because I would prefer to deal with his solicitor than him.

I do reply sometimes, usually to ask him to stop harassing me but he doesn't listen and if anything just gets worse. I think he genuinely believes what he is saying and that if he emails the words enough times then it's bound to make everyone else believe it as well. I have had to block him from calling or texting, but he emails time and time again. Tonight I had 10 emails from him. That is quite normal for an evening.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 09/02/2015 20:57

Contact the police, 10 times after being asked to stop is harassment

You need to stop responding

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 09/02/2015 20:57

Tell him you will report him for harassment if it happens again, and then go through with it. You don't have to put up with that shit.

Original poster
lostmyjomo · 09/02/2015 20:59

Is it a script? I wish I could understand it more as then I'd know how to deal with it. Ignoring is best I'm sure but it's so hard to do when everything he is writing is so he can show other people to 'prove' what a crazy woman I am.

OP posts:
sixandtwothrees · 09/02/2015 20:59

People seem to like to do this as a real nasty threat - as though shouts of 'mental health' in court will automatically grant them 'custody' which isn't what it is any more (it's called 'residence' - remind him that he needs to get his legal terminology sorted next time he makes a threat Wink). In reality the situation has to be very extreme before this has any weight. The only situation I know of where it has actually made a difference is in the case of a bloke whose dc's mom sadly has very serious schizophrenia and is in a residential unit. Even then this poor bloke had to have HER parents on his side assuring the authorities that he was not lying and that they would support him.

So my point is, that him sending you stupid emails will have no effect on anything. He sounds like a dick. Block his email address.

sixandtwothrees · 09/02/2015 21:01

If you say nothing, there is nothing to demonstrate your craziness is there? He's really just making himself look crazy.

Original poster
lostmyjomo · 09/02/2015 21:06

Yes you are right. I have kept all communication from him for the past year since all of this started. I cant bring myself to read back over it once I've read it the first time as I find it so hurtful, but I do think if anyone were to read them then it would be clear what he was trying to do.

OP posts:
sixandtwothrees · 09/02/2015 21:11

Hes' been doing this for a year?

He's nuts. You really should report him for harrassment. Don't ever read them again if they upset you - the content is not important - it's the behaviour that's important and that is showing that he is the unhinged party here

Original poster
lostmyjomo · 09/02/2015 21:21

I have somehow convinced myself it's normal for him to contact me so much. And because I reply sometimes I feel like I can't report him.

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 09/02/2015 21:23

A year?! Shock
Report the twat.

RandomNPC · 09/02/2015 21:28

You certainly can report him. A visit from the police should calm him down.

BeatriceBumble · 09/02/2015 21:29

It's part of the script to accuse an ex of having mental health problems as "no one in their right mind would leave them"!

The best way to deal with the stress is to not read the emails. Make sure they go straight to a folder to use later as evidence of his harassment and unreasonable behaviour.

A way to cope is this, say for instance you have blonde hair, no amount of emails telling you that you have black hair will make your hair black, will it? In the same way, no amount of emails saying you have a mental health issue will make that true either.

balia · 09/02/2015 21:34

Reply now, saying you have taken legal advice and have been advised to tell him formally to desist from all communication not directly related to practical arrangements for your DD. (It is much harder to get action in this situation if the abuser can claim they didn't know the behaviour was causing distress and hadn't been told clearly to stop.) Add that if he continues despite this, his actions will be considered to be harassment and you will be able to take immediate legal action and in the first instance of that will be immediately contacting the police to report him. You can also add that you will not hesitate to press charges.

Please please tell me he is in a job that would be jeopardised by an arrest.

Original poster
lostmyjomo · 09/02/2015 21:45

I will say exactly that balia Smile

He is short term unemployed at the moment. I don't think an arrest would particularly affect him sadly.

OP posts:
balia · 09/02/2015 22:57

Worked on my dickhead of an ex. Wink And then his strange alcoholic g/f.

Chocolatehoover · 09/02/2015 23:29

I've been through all this - It worried me at the time but is true to form for ex tossers to bring this little gem up - usually coincides with accusations of being an alcoholic/drug user. The costs to actually go through court for custody are unimaginable so If he can afford that he can afford more maintenance. I find that mere mention of the CSA or whatever they are called now does the trick. Don't worry, keep all the emails. The only one that's mental is your ex.

Original poster
lostmyjomo · 10/02/2015 06:09

How much would it cost for him to take me to court? He has absolutely no money and I can't see him having any anytime soon.

OP posts:
iloverunning36 · 10/02/2015 07:00

In in Scotland but it costs at least a grand to even start to raise an action and you have to have less than 1680 (I think) to be eligible for legal aid.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/02/2015 08:26

Hi OP. You can get a harassment injunction with power of arrest for about £200, if you DIY through your County Court. Send him a Letter Before Action first, setting out at least two instances of the behaviour complained of.

However, if he has contact this will be more difficult. At that point you would need a real lawyer.

Original poster
lostmyjomo · 10/02/2015 08:35

Hi Disgrace, thank you for your post. This is something I will look into. Can you tell me why contact would mean I'd need a lawyer?

OP posts:
Chocolatehoover · 10/02/2015 09:35

Hi LMJ - I've got friends who's ex's have spent over 10k and that's just to get regular access. Going for full custody I can only imagine as being more expensive, especially if someones trying to prove the mental health of another. You can get introductory appointments these days with solicitors for about £65.00 so perhaps go and see one for advice and ask them how much they think it would cost him or try the CAB. Either way I do know its thousands and thousands of pounds.