he doesnt think we should live together...not sure how I feel

[newneutrino]

Have been in a relationship for almost a year. We've both had previous lt relationships and children from those. Mine live with me and see their dad eow, he has his 2 nights a week.

We both have our own homes, and are lucky to be doing fairly well in financial terms. There's no need money wise for us to live together. However when we discussed this previously the long term plan was to live together at some point, probably within another 12 months from now.

However whenever we've spoken about the future recently, he doesn't think we should. He feels we would be a bit cramped in one house, wants to devote the time he has with dc to them, and thinks we should carry on as we are (currently I see him 3-4 times a week).

I'm just not sure how I feel. I like my own space, but I love being with him. I don't want to push to move in with him and then find it's not what I want though.

I think this is a very, very personal decision that only you can really decide. And I don't just mean that we can't really help you to decide whether this is a good idea - I mean that you need to free yourself from all of the dogma and unrealistic ideas of what you think other people expect and what you think you ought to do to ask what you really want and need in life.

Let me put it this way. I have a very good friend who is in a similar place to you. She is fiercely independent and she has a very loving, committed, long term relationship with a fella who is lovely. They have separate houses and families. It works brilliantly for them, because they both like their own space - and this is no reflection on how deeply they love each other. Their lives are much better this way than they would be if they lived together and they spend the time that they do have doing really glamorous things!

However, I am the kind of person who very much enjoys sharing a house with others. Their arrangement wouldn't work for me personally - I love sharing my space with DH. But we also do a lot of mundane stuff together that my friend would never dream of doing with her partner, and I think we spend a lot less time doing the glam date stuff!

I don't think either relationship is 'better' - they're just different.

What I'm trying to say is that there is no right and wrong answer to this, and not wanting to move in is not necessarily a sign of a relationship in crisis or trouble. It depends on the two of you as people!

There is no right or wrong and it's good he's been honest with you. I think you need to discuss this in a bit more detail though, and if living together at some point is important to you, then you need to tell him this.

He says he wants it to stay as it is - does he mean forever? Is it that he doesn't think the time is right, now, or in next 12 months, or does he think the time will not be right until all kids are grown up, or does he think that he'll never want to live together. Until you know that then you can't really think about whether that's something you can agree with or not.

I'm a bit worried about the change in view - he did want to live with you in a year or so, and now he doesn't seem to think it should happen at all. Why? Yes, it could be fears of overcrowding (unless you've both got 10 kids this is fixable). He wants to devote time to his DC - okaaaaay - have you met his children? How is he with yours? There's nothing to stop you both doing stuff with just your kids if you live together, most parents do things individually with their children at times. So that leaves, what, maybe he just isn't as serious as he used to think, maybe he's going off you, maybe he can't stand your kids, maybe he loves you but just doesn't feel you are 'the one', maybe maybe maybe. You need to talk about this and decide if it's a relationship that is going in the right direction for you.

Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

I feel perhaps that he doesn't want us to live together with the DC. My DC will be off to uni / college soon so not an issue for much longer on my side but his are much younger.

He said he doesn't like the idea of his dc having step parents.

He says he wants us to marry (that was something he wasn't sure about previously after a difficult divorce) but I think living together he sees much further in the future when the DC are grown up perhaps?

We do both have large, full, houses. O have enough bedrooms so all DC could have their own room.

I totally understand his viewpoint. I am the same! Have a lovely fella in my life but I don't want my own dd's home-dynamic shifted in this monumental way by the introduction of step-sibling and step-parent. I feel my dc have been through enough 'change' with the divorce, and that it's up to be me keep the continuity going. As a consequence I'm very protective over my dc lives and just can't see myself moving in with anyone. This also has the added bonus that my new fella is all about making 'me' happy and nothing else. Which keeps me focussed on whether the relationship is right. [happy] as pp said, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' here. It's great that he's been honest and isn't stringing you along. He clearly respects you enough to be upfront.

Ooooof, the 'no step parents' thing is a very different kettle of fish from the situation you originally described, OP. Thing is, if you are together, you are going to be a presence in the life of his children in some way or other - it is very, very difficult to compartmentalize completely.

So why 'no step parents'? I wonder if he's got doubts about the future and doesn't want to bring his kids into it? Before we all jump on him, I think that would be understandable after just a year - but I would also worry about you holding on and holding on for more commitment for absolutely ages without any assurances on his part.

I've met his children quite a few times (maybe 10-15) now and get on well with them. He's always been very keen for us all to spend time together. However I don't want or try to be a parent to them, which he knows and appreciated. I think/ hope that was what he meant.

Ahhhhh, I see! I wondered for a second whether he was keeping you all completely apart! In that case, it sounds pretty healthy and I'm going back to what I said in my first post .

What you have now sounds perfect to me. I am a big fan of not living together.

I think you should just carry on the way you are. There is no incentive whatsoever to get married and live together. It would just upset an arrangement that at the moment is suiting everyone. But I don't know how marriage could work if you continue to live in separate houses though I believe it is done by some people.

I feel a bit confused by it all, I thought we were going to be living together. I'll admit I wasn't 100% sure purely because I am so used to my own space. But that's not to say I didn't want to.

Selfishly, I keep thinking of myself rattling round in my big house in a couple of years once my dc are off.

However I don't want or try to be a parent to them, which he knows and appreciated.

I think you need to accept that if his DCs' 2nd home is with you both, you would have to take on some parental responsibility for them. It's very difficult to have young DCs in the house when you don't feel that you can ask them to tidy up after themselves or help lay the table etc.

If they are jumping all over your furniture and you want them to stop it, you have to be able to say so, not ask your DP to deal with it.

I don't think there's really a way where you have a joint home (which is also their home) without you being in some way part of their family.

FWIW, I'm in a similar position and while I think it seems like the natural progression, I'm actually glad that circumstances (school/other parents) make moving in together extremely unlikely. It means that we retain our own space, get to spend a bit of time together without any of the DCs, he spends time at my house with me and my DCs and occasionally we all get together for the odd weekend, holiday, meal out etc, but without the massive pressure of blended families.

I think that DPs' children would be very jealous that his full time home was here with my DCs and while they know he stays here when he's not at home with them, they know that on their days they can have him all to themselves if they so choose.

It does mean we probably won't get married for another 10 years at least, but that's not the be all and end all of a good relationship. Times have changed, the first time around nuclear family is not the only way to live, so if you don't both have the same view of your future together you're going to have to compromise.

It's not about the house obviously. More that what I thought was going to happen now isn't.

He loves me, intends for us to be together forever, sees us being married etc. So I just cant help feeling confused that he doesn't want to live with me.

So tell him that.

I know some posters are saying that living separately is great etc etc - but it's only great if it's what you want. If you want a relationship where you live together, then that's also what you want, and should be great.

I love living on my own. Love it. But when I'm in a serious relationship I want us to live together. We still get our own time, and our own space, we are two separate people, but we are also a couple who wake up together every morning, snuggle up in bed together every night, and share the good and crap parts of life in full. Other people don't want that. If you feel the same way, and he doesn't, that's a problem. You've both got to be happy.

It's the age of the DCs, presumably? How old are his? You say his are much younger than yours.

His DC are 6 and 7. Mine obviously a lot older.

There's no reason to make a decision yet anyway, is there? You can continue living separately until your children leave home and then rethink it.

I think there's a bit too much inconsistency in his story. First he wants to think about moving in in 12 months, then he doesn't. I would imagine on some level you are questioning whether he really means it when he says he sees you getting married in the future. Waiting til his kids are grown up is asking a lot (and he hasn't explicitly asked you that, just hinted) and frankly a bit weird. I would find it odd if one of my parents waited (say) 15 years to marry the person he/she wanted to be with, purely because I was a child. And I say that as someone whose parents originally intended to remarry on the same day! (Not to each other).

I personally would be quite happy with the relationship you describe, although i would not like the shifting goalposts. I would rather he flat out said "I cannot consider blending our families until our children are adults" and then you can decide if that would suit you.

I understand what he's saying but nothing was different a few weeks ago and the plan was still to move in together then.

It wasn't thinking about moving in together, we'd discussed it and agreed that we'd live together in 12-18 months (we started talking about this first some months ago).

Re marriage, as said initially because of his divorce he was quite anti marriage. Then over the last few months he started to say it wasn't out of the question but probably 10 years away. Not because of the children but because he wasn't sure about his views on marriage and honestly felt it might be some time before those changed. Now he seems to be saying we'd marry without living together, well not together under a sole roof anyway, in the next 3-5 years.

So (a) he gets to call all the shots and (b) he seems to be calling different shots on a fairly regular basis.

I definitely couldn't be arsed with that. Sounds like a frank conversation is in order.