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Relationships

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Original poster

he doesnt think we should live together...not sure how I feel

46 replies

newneutrino · 09/02/2015 14:48

Have been in a relationship for almost a year. We've both had previous lt relationships and children from those. Mine live with me and see their dad eow, he has his 2 nights a week.

We both have our own homes, and are lucky to be doing fairly well in financial terms. There's no need money wise for us to live together. However when we discussed this previously the long term plan was to live together at some point, probably within another 12 months from now.

However whenever we've spoken about the future recently, he doesn't think we should. He feels we would be a bit cramped in one house, wants to devote the time he has with dc to them, and thinks we should carry on as we are (currently I see him 3-4 times a week).

I'm just not sure how I feel. I like my own space, but I love being with him. I don't want to push to move in with him and then find it's not what I want though.

OP posts:

Pandora37 · 09/02/2015 17:58

He sounds very confused. He wants to marry you but not live together as a married couple? That is a bit odd. I'm sure he's very cautious because of his divorce but I'd tread carefully. It doesn't sound like he really knows what he wants so I wouldn't be seriously discussing marriage at this point in time.

Nextwednesday · 09/02/2015 18:13

He wanted to live with you, now he's not sure. He didn't want to get married, now he's changed his mind but it will be in 10 years time. No wonder you're confused.

Your children will be leaving home soon and you will be living alone in a large house while he will still have young children.

I think you are at different stages in your lives and therefore incompatible.

It is not unheard of for couples to live in separate homes (it would suit me) but it is not a conventional set-up.

I don't think you're clear yourself what you want either.

Original poster

newneutrino · 09/02/2015 22:04

I need to talk to him about it, because I'm not sure I understand what he wants.

I don't want to push desperately for living together because I still can't be certain it's what I want. I've only ever lived with one person, that relationship became abusive very soon after we got a house together. My current partner is a very different person. I know he'd never behave like that. But I do fear that maybe I'm hard to live with.I've been on my own for a long time and I'm not sure if I'm too set in my ways. I like my own space. But I think I love him more than I like that.

OP posts:

AmyElliotDunne · 11/02/2015 09:43

I think you are also a bit confused about what you want though. I'm just not sure how I feel. I like my own space, but I love being with him. I don't want to push to move in with him and then find it's not what I want though.

I know exactly how you feel, I've been through the different set ups in my mind, trying to imagine how it could all work without moving in together, trying to establish us as 'a family', but then getting stressed when we are all together and things don't work evenly for all the children and each feeling critical of how the other deals with our DCs.

Things change over time, it may have been a significant incident for your DP one weekend that has made him rethink his plans, perhaps it's something one of his DCs has said about the future or maybe he's just had time to think about the true implications of moving in/marriage.

Whatever the reason, there's no way you can marry or live with a man if you can't have a frank discussion about your future. He has every right to change his mind, nobody is locked into a decision because they happen to have agreed with it a few months ago. If you can understand the reasons behind his feelings on marriage and cohabiting, you'll be better prepared for any shifts in stance as they happen.

As you say, you might try it and hate it too, so until you've actually gone down that road, nothing is set in stone.

AmyElliotDunne · 11/02/2015 09:44

sorry, just read your latest post and you've said more or less that!

Any chance to talk to him about this yet?

Lasvegas · 11/02/2015 13:19

Neutro. My DH and I wish we had not sold both our houses and bought one. In fact we are about to revert to 2 houses. He has 2 kids from previous marriage and when they visit DD has to give up her room and sleep in my bed. In my view sharing a house with step kids is v hard.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/02/2015 14:27

You've not known each other a year yet. You've met his kids a handful of times.

I think he is, wisely, being cautious

newstart15 · 11/02/2015 14:27

I understand your drive to live together - it's often the natural progression when you have a partner but I think when you have children, from a previous relationship, you need to change that mindset.

Blending families can cause many issues and those issues impact a couple's relationship. It's not a given you will be happier if you live together. I now look back at the time my dh and I had living in separate houses and it worked really well. We had dc together so it did make sense to live together but I'm not sure I would do it again.

I agree with the PP who mentioned that perhaps weekends together has changed his view - maybe his gut instinct is telling him it would be more problematic so he might find it hard to articulate with firm reasons. You see this issue being raised regularly on the step parents board.

When you blend a family - especially if the dc's are young it will require adjustments, the dc's will have to go through a transition which may not be always positive. The first consideration is often "is there enough space" but this really is the tip of the iceberg. You have to figure finances, ownership in event of a split, joint rules for parenting and how to handle the children through the transition. It can be very time consuming and draining.

If your children are older he may feel that they are more independent and have had their childhood whereas his decision has the potential to be life changing for his dc's and they only get 1 childhood.

Assuming space was equal would you move your dc's into his home? Think though how that feels.

I also think that as you're just a year into the relationship it's worth not rushing anything. It does take 2 years to know someone and even then it's still a risk. My advice would be - if you are enjoying life now then just go with the flow and see where it takes you. I think your set up seems perfect!

Original poster

newneutrino · 11/02/2015 17:04

Some good points made, thank you.

I'm very lucky to live in a 5/6 bed house. I wouldn't even contemplate moving in together unless we had enough space for each dc to have their own room (what they're all used to).

OP posts:

Original poster

newneutrino · 11/02/2015 17:16

Sorry, posted too soon.

We have talked a bit about it, more to do though. Part of his concern is financial (his earnings are greater but he also has a large mortgage) and wanting to protect me if we ever split. He made the valid point we already spend 3/4 nights a week at each others homes, both have clothes, other possessions etc at the others home.

He also has concerns about his DC, I am nearly an hour from where they live now, it's quite a lot of travelling for them during the week (ok at weekends),for example to get them to school on time he'd probably have to leave at 730 - at his they're 5-10 mins by car, less still at their mums. So that's a factor too.

OP posts:

tribpot · 11/02/2015 17:41

I think wanting to protect himself in the case of a split may be more truthful, not that it's wrong to feel like that.

However, given your children are much older and thus location won't be such a factor, why would you not be moving in to his or at least getting a place together in that area?

Ouchbloodyouch · 11/02/2015 17:59

I think your partner is being sensible. Your financial situation sounds far healthier than mine but I ruled out ever moving in with my former partner as he would have become financially responsible for my children to an extent. I didn't want him to feel resentful. Though I did envisage us moving in together when my children became independent. As it turns out the relationship foundered (because he cheated) and I am sooo glad the opportunity hadn't arisen for us to move in as it would have been devastating to have caused all that upheaval.
I know moving in together seems a natural progression but you have to consider everyone. The school thing is a huge issue.

newstart15 · 11/02/2015 18:27

An hour away is a very fair point! that would be a deal breaker for me as I wouldn't want my dc to commute an hour to school - even if it was a few times a week.

Why not move into his house when your children are at Uni age?

Milllli · 11/02/2015 18:29

Has he backed off in any other way. Is he contacting you less or withdrawing more? Could be that he's unsure of how he feels.

HolgerDanske · 11/02/2015 18:37

I actually think he's being very sensible, and I'd want to do things the same way.

Original poster

newneutrino · 11/02/2015 19:46

His house isn't big enough, there would be no room for my DC at all (even when they're at uni I'm still expecting them home for the holidays, odd weekends etc) Also where he lives public transport links are pretty non existent so I'd need to buy (and be reliant on) a car. And it's not as nice an area. I really wouldn't want to sell this place and buy something similar sized nearer him.

OP posts:

Christinayang1 · 11/02/2015 20:09

Do you want to wait 10 years to get married?

You are at very different stages in life, you are "free" from a lot of parenting responsibility now, he isn't. He has a good 10 years before before he is at that stage.....do you want to go back to raising a young family or do you want to do other things in life? While you say you don't want to parent his kids if you are in a serious relationship with him your life will be affected

Perhaps you should think about what YOU want to do with the next part of your life instead of of planning it interns of his timescales

Christinayang1 · 11/02/2015 20:09

In terms

Milllli · 11/02/2015 20:45

Also your kids may likely return to home after Uni. I posted earlier asking how the rest of the relationship is?

Original poster

newneutrino · 11/02/2015 21:00

I'd like to be married sooner than 10 years, but I never saw that happening for at least 5 years. In fact before this relationship I didn't really want or expect to get married. For me that isn't a deal breaker.

I don't see myself as having to raise his DC. At present he has them 2 days per week, that is unlikely to change much going forward. I see them at least every other week, sometimes once a week. Even if we lived together I wouldn't see them much more than I do now, sp I'm not sure it would be much of an issue. If they lived with him ft, that would be different. I should add we did talk about having a child together, but ultimately neither of us wanted to go back to sleepless nights and nappies.

Our relationship seems fine, no signs of him backing off, I've seen and heard from him exactly when I'd expect to, so no change there.

OP posts:

Christinayang1 · 11/02/2015 21:12

Well just relax and enjoy then

If at some point you really feel that you want to move thins along and he doesn't then deal with it at that point....you seem pretty content for now

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