Emotional abuse, husband threatening to take the children

[Needmentalhealthhelp]

I have posted in the mental health section too.

My husband moved out some months ago. He has continued to see the DC at the family home and we have arranged marriage counselling. There had been past abuse on both sides, I have serious mental health issues which I've never been able to receive proper help for. I have recently started counselling individually and we are on the waiting list for marriage counselling.

Today I walked out of the home after it all became too much. I had been in tears last night and my husband shouted at me and was angry with me. This is standard behaviour on his part. He also walks out during rows and goes to his room and refuses to speak to me or answer my texts. Sometimes for days.

I'm going to stay with my Mum and try and speak to the council about housing there. Also women's aid, although I'm not sure what they can do? My husband I suspect, thought I'd come back later today as I would never usually do anything like this and now he knows I am on the train he has started sending me messages saying he will not let the DC move with me as they aren't safe with me as I'm suicidal.

I feel so broken and emotionally abused by him I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Any support or advice would really be helpful right now.

He actually moved out in October. He has just been visiting the DC every day and staying here at weekends and basically treating it like he still lives here. I have cooked his dinner nearly every single day like a mug and I've even taken him lunch into work!

Anyway, I am in the house with the children. I do not plan to let him back in here. I am slightly concerned he has made a 'concern' known to try and discredit me and may try and not return the children if he has access, but I will discuss that with women's aid tomorrow and I am going back to the GP (again!) tomorrow so that it is absolutely clear I am doing all I can to get well. Although I don't see why there would be any concern for the children anyway, I'm not perfect, but they are well cared for and loved very much.

Good for you. I hope you get the support you need and you manage to keep that resolve. :)

YOU MUST get your husband's EA ON RECORD with GP, with army social office (don't know technical terms) Just too bad if he is in the ranks & gets pulled up....... he cannot oppress, belittle, & manipulate. making you even judge your own sanity...
You are doing well, you already sound better, stop "running after him", stop talking to him, don't answer him, it is your best tool. if he can't control you if you deconnect.

Your love and care for your DC are certainly not in question, nor will they be by anyone maliciously sent your way Need. We're just dropping hints as to things you might do, if you aren't already, to help solidify the case for officially getting abusive H out of your life. Are you on the legal route yet?

You've already shown how strong you are so please don't doubt yourself. You've done brilliantly so far! But you do need to refuse him house entry and yeah, stop bloody cooking for him. Unless you include huge doses of laxative of course *heh.

If he is likely to keep the DC at all then a way must be found to cease any contact until such time as the situation is much clearer to him. That it is over. Officially and forever. It's also why info about his abuse is with GP and whoever might or might not turn up at your door is a good thing.

Thankyou. I have been to women's aid today and they were very supportive, but couldn't offer much practical advice. They did offer a refuge, but I don't think that's in the best interests of the children and I'm not in immediate/any danger I don't think.

I haven't heard from my husband. I am pretty sure he will be expecting me to text him apologising and asking him for another chance, as usually happens. I did text him once yesterday to say he would need to book the contact house (an empty furnished army quarter used for relatives etc to stay in or child access) if he wanted to see the children this weekend and he hasn't replied. I'm not going to contact him again.

It's been suggested I seek a residence order or prohibited steps order. I'm not sure whether to do this? It is expensive just to see a solictor and I don't want to inflame the situation. I'm also worried it will encourage him to further try and make me look bad and I stil feel somehow at fault or in the wrong. However, it would also enable access without me having to worry and once he does decide to see the children I obviously want them to be able to see him. It doesn't make any sense for him to take them, but I wonder if he'd do it to spite me.

On the plus side, I actually feel very positive for the first time in a very long time. I'm sure I'll be a bit up and down, but I really can do this.

I really bloody can!!! Thankyou for all the replies and support.

Yes you really bloody can!!!

Yes also, i think if you can possibly go for the res order or that other one (i'm old, things have changed so much) then do it. It's part of getting your armour sorted and polished. You're an amazing woman

The fact WA offered you a refuge immediately should tell you all you need to know, really ...

NCDV might possibly help? They are free, but I'm not sure if they deal with abuse other than violence. Worth a try, though.

Ultimately, you could take up the refuge just for peace of mind. You don't have to be in danger of physical violence. Emotional abuse can be just as bad, and it would protect the children.

Thanks. I'm continuing to feel much better today. I'm still feeling anxious about things, but I don't think that's surprising or abnormal in the circumstances. I am seeing a solicitor next week for advice.

I have been ringing round letting agents and although things are tricky due to my pets and having to be on benefits, it doesn't seem impossible and I have found one lovely property that the agent is going to discuss with the landlord whether they would consider benefits as I have a guarantor and can pay some rent in advance etc. I'm not overly hopeful, but you never know, so I'm keeping everything crossed.

One thing that has struck me most this week is that I feel much more connected to my DC. I am talking to them more and am doing more with them. I'm doing more in general. One of my DC is off school with a tummy bug and instead of falling to pieces and thinking I can't cope, I'm just taking it in my stride.

I think I'm almost expecting a crash. Surely deciding to leave for good and him not being around can't cause such a marked and positive change so quickly, but if it happens I know it will only be temporary and I feel so much more positive about the future now. I just feel in control off own life. I'm not waiting for anyone else to decide whether they want me, I don't need anyone else to want me. I can just be me.

I'm sure these things are two steps forwards and one step back, OP. So enjoy the good moments and don't dispair on the bad days, just ride them. They are inevitable, but should get less and less.