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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse, husband threatening to take the children

61 replies

Needmentalhealthhelp · 08/02/2015 16:34

I have posted in the mental health section too.

My husband moved out some months ago. He has continued to see the DC at the family home and we have arranged marriage counselling. There had been past abuse on both sides, I have serious mental health issues which I've never been able to receive proper help for. I have recently started counselling individually and we are on the waiting list for marriage counselling.

Today I walked out of the home after it all became too much. I had been in tears last night and my husband shouted at me and was angry with me. This is standard behaviour on his part. He also walks out during rows and goes to his room and refuses to speak to me or answer my texts. Sometimes for days.

I'm going to stay with my Mum and try and speak to the council about housing there. Also women's aid, although I'm not sure what they can do? My husband I suspect, thought I'd come back later today as I would never usually do anything like this and now he knows I am on the train he has started sending me messages saying he will not let the DC move with me as they aren't safe with me as I'm suicidal.

I feel so broken and emotionally abused by him I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Any support or advice would really be helpful right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needmentalhealthhelp · 08/02/2015 19:38

He is still saying that he will take the DC, BTW, and that me leaving shows I'm unstable. My mum has said that I was already coming to say at the em did the week anyway and that it is perfectly reasonable in the circumstances to come early to see the council and try to arrange housing and get support. Obviously I haven't left the DC at any risk, they are with their father, so she's right, isn't she? Plus, for all he says, his career comes first, so having the DC would interfere with that. He is going away for for weeks in a couple of months, so it wouldn't be realistic for him to have custody anyway, would it?

I have seen the GP regarding my depression and am waiting for a psychiatric referral. So I am getting help for that.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 08/02/2015 19:42

I too was depressed before my marriage. During my marriage I healed from my childhood issues. But remained depressed. I thought my depression had affected the relationship, but actually my relationship was now driving my depression.

Recovery began when I filed for divorce 3 1/2 years ago.

flora717 · 08/02/2015 19:54

My exH also made similar threats to intimidate me that he'd have the children because I had suicidal thoughts. It was bollocks really, he was simply using it as emotional blackmail. My counsellor discussed my suicidal thoughts and they were very much about my trapped situation. After he left, whilst hounded by him, those feelings reduced. Once I'd established a routine / he realised that I wasn't going back to him he stopped trying to drag me down (or I stopped letting him) and that was it, lingering stress but entirely from the ups and downs of life. Once that huge pressure of the toxic relationship was gone it was so much easier to see each problem without panic and doom.
Best wishes for you. Flowers You're really going through it now. It is a cliche, but you will get through it.

flora717 · 08/02/2015 19:57

And I agree, from an outside perspective if one parent has a career that involves frequent time away and one doesn't the DC are better based with the parent who does not have that lifestyle.

Original poster
Needmentalhealthhelp · 08/02/2015 20:51

It's so bloody hard. The ignoring. The rejection. The sensible part of me knows it's about control. He's angry because I've left and it will no doubt inconvenience him. But it hurts so much to be unwanted. To feel worth nothing.

OP posts:
26Point2Miles · 08/02/2015 21:05

Go back.... Take charge of the situation. Ask the welfare officer to go back to the house with you and make sure DH is clear he is to remain in barracks and not come near you. Welfare officers do have the ability to do this

Then ask them to show you the saafa dvd and consider your next move. You need to be back with your kids

Original poster
Needmentalhealthhelp · 08/02/2015 21:15

I can't 26point2miles. I'm still on the train going to my Mums. I need to take this time to go to the council as I won't be able to get down again. The train journey is 7 hours and I was exhausted before I left. I'm utterly exhausted, I haven't slept properly for months. The DC are young and still wake up at night. They will be fine with their father and I am reluctant to involve welfare at this stage due to his rank. AWS are already involved and more impartial I feel.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/02/2015 21:50

My exH was a SAHP (because of his social anxiety) and often threatened that he would take DS.

It turned out that I left with DS, have residency and he skypes DS.
His threats only made me more resolute not to allow unsupervised contact.

Original poster
Needmentalhealthhelp · 08/02/2015 21:55

I'm at my mums now, but I feel so broken and unhappy. It's horrible. I just wish everything could be ok and I didn't have to do this.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/02/2015 21:57

I hope you are able to recharge batteries and devise a good plan.

Original poster
Needmentalhealthhelp · 09/02/2015 08:51

Thankyou. I feel much better after a good night's sleep, although obviously not great. All I want is for everything to be ok. For my husband to love me and care for me and my family to stay together. But I need to tell myself that can't happen, it doesn't exist. I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's too upsetting.

OP posts:
mix56 · 09/02/2015 09:11

Just remember, people divorce everyday for a plethora of reasons...
There is no stigma, there are no pointing fingers.
RE read your OP, imagine it wasn't yours, your immediate thoughts are .... ?
This is broken, he doesn't love you, sadly, & even aside from the clear Emotional abuse, there is no going back.
You WISH it wasn't this way, but it IS.
The only steps forward are for you to follow advise re Army social welfare given, & get out with your children. He is in no position to keep the children, its a bluff anyway, just more controlling tactics.

Original poster
Needmentalhealthhelp · 09/02/2015 18:47

I'm really struggling today. I feel like my life is over. Even though I'm at my Mums, she is not supportive at all. I feel fat and ugly and lonely. I miss my DC and I miss my husband. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I'm scared. My whole life is changing and I don't want it to.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/02/2015 18:56

At this point, I think it helps to think primarily of the children.

They need you, they miss you. You should be there for them.
It should give you strength to do what you must do.

On the other hand, you need to find a way of loving yourself. You may need to control your weight for health reasons (I have no idea), but you are worthy regardless of your weight or anything else physical.

Lweji · 09/02/2015 18:58

And TBH, you should do your best to stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Gather support to work on that, and on loving yourself, because your children need you.

Use this time to recharge batteries, but ultimately, nobody can make you happy. You have to do it yourself.

mix56 · 09/02/2015 20:46

Just remember, Nobody chooses to marry & ultimately not be happy & for their family unit not to be a success,
it takes 2 adults to make it work. One can only try & make it happen.
You are entitled to a life, it is not for the other army wives, it is not just for the children, it is not to show your parents that you have "made it". & it is not to cling on to an abusive husband....
There is no blame, no responsibility just on your shoulders, just alot of deception, alot of hurt.
But ultimately you have to live your life & give it your best shot for your kids.

Coyoacan · 10/02/2015 03:13

IMHO, emotionally abusive people do not love, full stop. You have been isolated with someone who is incapable of loving you, but is the only adult around so of course you want his love.

Things will get better OP once you manage to get away from this situation. It will be hard for a while, of course, but then it is bloody hard for you at the moment. But slowly and surely your mental health will improve and your sense of peace in your home will be marvellous.

cestlavielife · 10/02/2015 14:11

you need to be apart and focus on restoring your own mental health, away form him . he is not helping you get well.

it will be much netter you stay apart, he has whatever contact with dc you agree to, and that you focus on getting yourself strong emotionally. in a year's time, you will be in a better place to consider the relationship and will be able to see better. stick to individual counselling and therapy. address any childhood issues etc.

Original poster
Needmentalhealthhelp · 11/02/2015 08:08

I came back last night, partly because of the DC and partly because I need to see the GP about my depression/severe anxiety. I text to discuss and he wouldn't reply and when I rang him he said that I wouldn't be welcome at the house, he was having the DC etc. there is also social work involvement due to my son awaiting a CAHMS referral and he said 'don't worry, I've told him all about you'. I have no idea what this means exactly. I'm worried that he's told lies about me and obviously can't speak to the social worker until gone 9. He also left this morning without saying when he was going to see the children or whether he would help with them at all. That I am the abuser.

I'm worried that he is right and that I am abusive. I am trying to be logical and tell myself that I know that isn't true. However, it's hard as I do feel like this is somehow my fault.

I have tried ringing women's aid again this morning but can't get through. My local office opens at 10 so I can ring then and they do have a drop in.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 11/02/2015 11:23

The fact that you are worrying that you are abusive, shows that you aren't. Abusive people don't think they're abusive. They think they, and only they, are right.

Lweji · 11/02/2015 14:05

What Pussycat said.

Do not worry about what he said to whom. He left you to mind the children and he has left the home, so it shows he is convinced you are not abusing the children.
Meanwhile, continue to try WA and work on sorting out housing. What happens if you change the locks and keep him out?

Miggsie · 11/02/2015 14:11

You are not abusive - he is projecting his shit onto you - a classic tactic.

Do not believe anything he says - go to amazon NOW and buy the book "Why doe she do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.
It explains why men like your husband are the way they are, why they never change, and why everything is someone else's fault as far as they are concerned.
If you read Lundy you'll soon actually be able to predict what you DH will do, because the pathology of the abuser follows quote a predictable path, it will also help you realise that none of this is your fault, all the situations are manipulated by HIM to his advantage.

Original poster
Needmentalhealthhelp · 11/02/2015 18:59

I've spoken to womens aid and I am going to see them tomorrow. They say they can offer me support and practical help and liase withy he army welfare service if needed.

I also saw my sons social worker today. He couldn't say anything about anything my husband had said to him due to confidentiality, but it didn't really appear like he had said much to anything to him at all. However, the social worker did say that they have had a referral from the army welfare services today as a report has been made concerning the welfare of the DC due to my mental health. This can only really have come from my husband. My own AWS worker is off until next week and I suspect if he had been there no referral would have been made as he has seen me regularly since my husband moved out. Clearly my husband Is so concerned about the children due to my mental health that he was happy to go to work today and leave them in my care and has been happy to walk out of the house when I am upset and then ignore me for days at a time knowing that his can make me hysterical as I never have any idea when he will see the children or how long I will be left to 'cope' alone for and he has done a very good job of making me think I can't cope. In other words, he is being malicious by making this report. The social worker didn't seem worried, he has seen all the DC and can see they are well cared for at and happy and actually, things can only improve for them now.

I feel so much better today. No doubt I will have ups and downs, but speaking to womens aid made things clearer. It made me feel supported and like I am not 'fucking mental' as my husband likes to say. He is obviously not going to contact me to see the DC until he feels like it, which is fine, I am expecting to be managing alone and I now know I can do that. After all, I've really been doing it all this time when he is working long hours or away. I dont doubt this period will be difficult, but I can do this and I can be free.

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 11/02/2015 19:31

Experiencing depression and anxiety doesn't make you 'mental'. It's ridiculously common. As is being on SSRIs or other anti-depressants. Unfortunately if you don't know of many (or any) others who have experienced the same thing, you can think that you're abnormal. Please don't worry, you're not.

Unfortunately when you deal with an abuser, or even just an utterly ignorant arsehole, they can make you feel like it's the kind of mental health issue that people routinely get locked up in a psychiatric facility for. It's not.

One of my first ever boyfriends said he'd break up with me if I went on anti-depressants, when I told him I was feeling down again (had been on them once before) and was thinking of going to the GP to start on them again. Sadly I let that dissuade me and a good year or so and a break-up with him went by before I started on them again (at which point my mood improved dramatically).

tipsytrifle · 11/02/2015 19:42

I can do this and I can be free

This and only this should be your mantra, Need.

So is the situation now that you are with DC and he has gone? For work or for separation? If you have the kids then you kinda need to keep hold of them. I think you'll find your mental health improves hugely once you are rid of your abusive H.