No Contact: Slowly Coming to Terms With the Full Horror of It All

[SelfLoathing]

I was (and if I'm honest still am) utterly in love with obsessed with a MM. I originally posted here (I will post link below in a moment) asking for help to get out. It was a pattern of intense pursuit/happiness - apparent closeness - withdrawal/silence- reappearance.

Since then I have maintained no contact. I am now sure this man is a narcissist and he has tried to "hoover" me on several occasions - emails, text and by phone. I haven't responded. But I was posting on LeighHalfpennyisagod's thread about unfinished business and I realised that actually I was totally distracted by this man's behaviour so I never focussed on what mattered.

It was a magician's sleight of hand. I was completely consumed with the drama of it all and the confusion of how he would be so amazingly intense and into me and then go cold. I was obsessed with how to become "better" so he'd want me and I'd get the hot phase back and end the coldness. Obsessed with the high of seeing him.

So I never actually noticed the true horror underneath - ie. what mattered. That he rarely saw me at all. I have found coming to terms with this very very hard and extremely upsetting. It's like lifting what you thought was a beautifully carved sculpture and finding it is just a rock with vile things crawling underneath.

For example, I have realised:

• he never showed me any kind of affection outside of sex or in a lead up to sex. Sure we'd hold hands etc be only after a date in a run up to going to bed. How did I never notice? It hurts like hell.

-he never wanted to cuddle or put his arms round me.

• he never called me just to see how I was (except right at the start when he was doing his charming full on seduction thing).

• he never bought me a birthday present or even wished me happy birthday.

• he never treated me in the way that most people would treat a friend or an acquaintance - with a little bit of interest in how their life is.

• he only EVER saw me when it suited him. If I ever asked him to lunch/coffee/drinks etc, he would never come. Again I never noticed because sometimes he'd say yes but then have to cancel at the last minute. He never wanted to do anything I wanted to do (my interests), always his interests.

• I only ever saw him once every few months/few weeks. The actually time I spent with him was really minimal.

I didn't know he was a MM to start with but did once I got sucked in and was still an OW so I know I don't deserve any sympathy.

• I guess I must be "progressing" in some way as I'm maintaining the no contact. But for some reason just realising how awful it was exactly is making me really upset. If I think about it too much, I start crying sometimes.

Just that I must be so worthless for someone to think they can treat my
life as a drop in centre.

And even more worthless to have actually allowed it.

This is my original thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2207439-Help-to-end-an-abusive-OW-non-relationship

and this is Leigh's unfinished business thread that I mentioned:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2302087-Getting-over-unfinished-business?

Not sure what you expected from a MM to be honest. He CAN treat your life as a 'drop in centre'. That's all you ever were to him. And you gave him permission to do it.

You were a convenient place to put his penis. Nothing more. Get a grip.

I am now sure this man is a narcissist

No, he was simply a bloke who was handed sex on a plate by a doormat.....that would be you. Don't try and minimise what you have done or your role in all of this by trying to assign convenient labels on him. You were not the poor woman who was hoodwinked into an affair by the 'narcissistic' behaviour of a MM. You knew full well what you were doing. Don't mistake your lack of morals and weakness for him now apparently being a narcissist.

Not sure why people are being so harsh- if it's true he was a narcissist then only those who've been on the end of one will know how shit that is. Even if not, you're waking up to some harsh truths about him and about you and it's not surprising this is a hard, hard process. Well worth going through though. Are you seeing a counsellor or anything?

Ok so you are managing the no contact. Now stage two - do something else so your mind isn't on the past all the time. New hobby, something, anything, get yourself out of the house!

I'm with springheeled. Why be so harsh to someone who is so very upset. OP, are you seeing a counsellor? Are you working on some other activities like crispyfern suggested?

Yes being an OW is not nice to say the least but it doesn't mean you are an awful person from now until the end of time. The OP has acknowledged that it wasn't right and she is now trying to figure out how to move on. Let's stop it with the bashing eh?

As I said, I didn't know he was a MM at the start or for a long time. So yes I was initially hoodwinked and fell in love with him. But it is right that I continued as an OW after I did know but it wasn't like I didn't give a shit.

And I agree with springheeled that if you haven't been through the super-charm mirroring of a narcissist, it is difficult to understand.

I also agree with spartak that I was a convenient place to put his penis. Not sure "get a grip" is the right way to end that though.

Hi OP, sorry you are feeling so terrible right now. You are making progress even though it hurts like hell at the minute. When you are ready you will find a decent, unattached guy who will treat you properly and with affection. I wish you luck in continuing to move forward with strength and determination.

Thanks spring, lovest and crispy.

I am not seeing a counsellor but I am keeping v. busy with a lot of things - work, volunteering and started exercising again.

I am no OW apologist, as has been noted before. But......I can understand what you are saying, now you are out of the drama of it all you can see just how fucked up it was.

But I have to say, I dont think its what he did thats the issue you need to deal with so much as that you allowed him to. He treated you as a drop in centre because you let him and that is what you need to be thinking about. Why did you let him? Why didnt you kick him to the kerb when you found out he was married? Why has it taken you this long to see the truth of the situation? Can you be sure that you wont be sucked in again? Users are very manipulative and will use anything they can to get you sucked into their vortex, it seems to me that you are at risk of being sucked in again if not by him then by someone else.

These are questions you need to answer so you can learn from this experience and not repeat it.

Hello from Leigh's thread, SL! You're doing really well. That moment of realisation is what they call the other shoe dropping, I believe.

It feels really painful, but actually it's the start of freedom. The pain will become anger and the anger will give you strength to walk away into a whole new world.

People are being very harsh.
"Lack of morals"?? Very Victorian. Meanwhile less perfect types just have to try and do their best. Seems like the op understands what happened and why and is dealing with it.
Never judge anyone until you've walked a mile in their moccasins

I remember your previous thread.

You had a short lived affair with a married man who used you for sex. He treated you terribly and is a complete wanker.

But you are obsessed with him, despite rationally knowing you were an idiot who allowed him to use you for convenient sex and nothing more.

You didn't get sucked in at all - you knew he was married and you decided to sleep with him and then let him be foul to you time and time after time.

I hope the sex cracked the foundations because why else would you put up with this sort of behaviour?

You weren't in love with him because you never really knew him. You were (and are) in love with the idea of being in an all-consuming relationship and built up a fantasy. Your only relationship with him was sexual but you are still trying to maintain a façade that it was "beautiful" when he treated you in a very abusive manner.

And you let him. You had a part to play in all this too.

I am sorry for you because it sounds as if you were so desperate for any sort of relationship that you settled for this abusive one. I'm even more sorry because you are not allowing yourself to move on - you are going over and over things you cannot change and refusing to allow yourself to just say "Wow, what an idiot I was! And what a complete git he was!".

this was not some beautiful romance. it was an affair with a married man who saw you when it was convenient for him. Look at it in the cold light of day and realise you are worth so much more. Because until you can honestly realise what a fraudulent sham this affair was you will continue to think you were in love and that will blight your chances of finding out what real love is.

Forgive yourself for being stupid and selfish.
Accept you cannot change the past but you can have a happy future if you allow yourself to.
Remember how you acted with this guy and make sure you don't do that in the future.
be honest about your mistakes, learn from then and move on.
Do not over dramatise things and blow them out of all proportion because then they take over your life and prevent you from ever moving forward, because they consume you and drag you back .
Have pride in yourself and what you have achieved

This sort of thing happened to me and though I have no evidence that I was an OW, on reflection, I'm pretty sure I was - to another girlfriend if not a wife.

But you are doing really well and the wanting to cry is not unusual. I used to find myself going over it all again, say on the bus and sitting there with tears running down my face. It was horrible.

I did go to a counsellor and she said the best way do deal with those times is to recognise when they are happening and just tell yourself to stop, that your not going to think about this anymore and make yourself think of something else instead.

But keeping busy, gym and volunteering sounds like much the best thing to be doing.

Morals = standards of behaviour; principles of right and wrong.
How is that Victorian cow?
The OP has admitted she is still in love with/obsessed with this MM. It is February.... she posted her first thread at the start of October. With this in mind I agree with aspects of what Bogey posted.
And as for 'Never judge anyone until you've walked a mile in their moccasins' ... really??
I will assume you would take the same view if your DH had been shagging someone else for an extended period of time.
Actually.... have you had to experience the devastation of your DH having an affair?

The girls are right the time to kick him to the kerb was when you found out about the little lady at home.

I hope this doesn't come across as unduly harsh as I wouldn't kick a woman when she's down.

You did what you did and its done. Time to draw a line under it.

Your name says it all and I think it's time to take off the hair shirt . My exhusband has suckered in loads of women and I will never know about all of them and don't want to either. He's out of your life now and you feel guilty well it's time to love yourself a bit more now.

He played you for a fool but do you know what you don't get strong on a life of milk and honey. It's these experiences that put the granite into your backbone.

Stand strong. Walk tall and like the others have said wait for the one who beats a path to your door.

What's the line from Dirty Dancing...no one hides Baby in the corner!

Just make sure in your next relationship that you are no one else's dirty little secret ;-)

I think you are confusing me with someone else.

This wasn't a short lived affair and I did get sucked in. I didn't "know he was married" AND then just decided to sleep with him. We'd started a "relationship" and I was "in love"with him and very emotionally involved well before I found out.

you are still trying to maintain a façade that it was "beautiful" when he treated you in a very abusive manner.

Did you read what I posted above??!?! How is that trying to maintain a façade? I'm saying that because I'm no contact I've realised exactly how awful the whole thing was.

I know I had a part in this and that's what is so upsetting. I allowed him to treat me in such an abusive way - because I was focussing on how he made me feel.

He sounds like a prick and I'm glad you're well rid.

Onward and upward.

When was the last time you had contact with him? You said in your previous thread that you hasn't seen him for two months back from the start of October.

I'm not confusing you - I remember your last thread very well. And yes, I did read your post and thought you hadn't moved on at all.

So you are "no contact" with a guy who couldn't have made it clearer he didn't want anything else but sex - but you are still obsessed with him. You haven't let go, you haven't moved on - because you aren't allowing yourself to move on. You are continuing to focus on him. Your whole post sounded like you are still in denial.

Your relationship was short. It didn't last for several years, did it?

You weren't suckered in. You decided to sleep with him. You decided to keep on having sex with him when you found out he'd lied to you. Your decisions - your responsibility. More denial.

You had a short fling with a married man. It was crap and he treated you like shit. It's been over for months but you are still obsessing about it and let it destroy any chance you might have for happiness by blowing it up into something much bigger than it ever was.

You made a huge mistake. You had an affair with a married man and you let him treat you like dirt. Those were bad choices, but they were your choices. You know that, however hard and humiliating it might be to accept. So you had great sex and you tried to pretend that made it okay for him to show his contempt for your feelings the rest of the time.

Put it into perspective.
You did not spend decades of your life with this man.
You did not build a home and a future together.
You know he was a liar and a cheater.

Let yourself move on by acknowledging this was just a small part of your life, not the whole of your life, or even a significant chunk of your life. And that he was a wanker who pulled you in until you saw sense.

OP, consider your audience on the relationships board.

There are a lot of cheated on wives and partners projecting their own experiences here - you will always get a pasting if you admit to being an OW.

The real world is a lot more understanding, if I were you, I would hide this thread and find a RL friend to talk to, or possibly some counselling.

SL, I think you are doing well. Maintaining NC has always been your fall down before. You say he has made attempts to suck you back in and you haven't caved. Please keep doing that, don't let yourself get worn down.

I think you are crying and upset now because finally you are feeling sorry for your own self. What struck me about your last thread was how brittle and defensive you were. You were so sure you were strong and could handle it.

It's ok to cry for the mistakes you have made. It's a process to go through. After denial comes acceptance and the time to let it wash over you so at the other end you make peace with it.

You know you have fucked your own life up and that is a hard pill to swallow. I did it for a little while a long time ago. I still could punch myself in the face for the ridiculous things I did and ashamed at the way I let myself get treated. But it's faded eventually and only pops up every so often.

What you have to do now is move on and let it go.Ask yourself this question and answer honestly: is the trauma of NC and fending him off all still part of the drama you have been living ? Or is it really over in your mind ?

if it is the former, then you will cave at some point so that you can start the whole destructive cycle again. If it is the latter, things will get better with time. It really is as simple as that.

It didn't last for several years, did it?

Yes - all told. For a substantial period of time, we were in a relationship and I did not know he was married. It later descended into the on/off cycle of hell.

When was the last time you had contact with him?

Depends what you mean. I last saw him in July. He last contacted me on Tuesday. I haven't myself spoken to him or contacted him since July.